Yes, I have a 9 to 5 job. I do wish that I lived in a rent free tree house with a tiny easy-bake oven to make delicious treats with and I could write my blog and eat muffins all day but I need things to live like toothpaste, underwear and sherbet and I only earn around eighty-three cents a day from my blog and that barely covers my sherbet so that explains the whole full time job thing.
To be honest it’s not too bad. I have a delightful work buddy (Browny) and the work itself is rather interesting and rewarding. Unfortunately this work requires people to submit application forms. Now we all know that Bitch Face Smaggle rears her ugly head at least once a week but everyday I’m having serious issues with people who CAN’T FILL OUT APPLICATION FORMS. It’s really not that hard. Here are a few tips for those people who can’t seem to follow simple instructions.
* Write your given name in the section that says ‘given name’. Write your family name in the section that says ‘family name’. Your given name is your first name, the name that people call you most of the time. And your family name? That’s the other name that you have and it’s generally the same as all, if not some, of your immediate family members. If you’re still having issues with this incredibly complicated task you can always check your passport, birth certificate or marriage certificate. Any of these documents will hold the answer. And no, I don’t know whether or not you changed your name when you got married. That’s a really stupid question.
* 2008 is not the year that you were born.
* Similarly, 21 Loser Street is not your address. Do you mean Loser Street in Dicktown? Or Loser Street in Stupidville? Postcode? State? And you wonder why you never receive mail from us.
* ++66114363 789 5873 12354 – That’s not your phone number. It might be what shows up when you call a mobile phone from Alaska but it’s not an actual dial-able number.
* When we ask who your next of kin is we generally require more information than ‘my mum’.
* If you could refrain from eating, cooking or spitting curry on your application form I’d appreciate it. Diarrhoea coloured smears upset me.
* I’m sorry but sometimes I can’t tell if you are male or female from your photo. That’s why I need you to tick the male or female box. Your gender is not a secret. Just tick a bloody box.
* You should only tick the box on the checklist if you have actually completed the task. Ticking the box will not photocopy your passport or certify it. And ticking the box will not make me think that you have done this. DO IT and then tick the box, you self-satisfying weirdo.
* Fold your application and place it neatly in the envelope. Don’t scrunch it up in your hand, cram it in a too small post pack and tape it to within an inch of it’s life so I receive a lumpy package that, quite frankly, looks like a bomb. It’s really unnerving.
What’s got your goat today my love?
Love Lady Smaggle
P.S I’ve changed ‘Hava-Rant’ to ‘Have A Rant’. I’ve developed a serious aversion to this kind of language butchering. Like ‘Kiddie Korner’ and ‘Chickin-2-Go’. It’s not clever, it’s not witty and I apologise for subjecting you all to it for so long.
16 Comments
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Kids running through the foyer… work is a 1920’s mansion with wooden floorboards that vibrate like crazy. Combine that with two stand-alone racks of pottery for sale and it’s enough to give me a heart-attack.
Oh and people telling me “but so and so said I could do it this way”… so-and-so told you wrong! Whinging does not mean that you get your way. -
Aaargh, see, I think of stuff and then it goes! I feel annoyed when I can’t remember what to rant about . . .
Oh the bitter, bitter irony.
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rofl…people can be real dumb-asses! thanks for sharing. now i’ve had my laugh of the day.
“Diarrhoea coloured smears upset me” it upsets me too!!!
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Lady Smaggle, you are a hoot!
Easy bake oven!
Love Pam xxx
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That made me giggle a lot, and also appreciate that as much as I hate filling in forms (I’m applying for lots of jobs at the moment) I’m guessing it’s not that much fun having to read them either, even the ones that are filled in correctly!
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If I could rant half as hilariously as you, I’d do it WAY more often.
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I would love to have a rant about my monday, but I think you’ll have to come and have tea so I can do it in person. It’s not a generalised bitch, but a really specific one. Come over. I will bake.
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Well-said. I’m in much more of a mopey mood than an angry one so no rant today.
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Oh so deliciously funny. My equivalent is people who phone to get a story in the music / arts newspaper supplement I edit and say, as an introduction, “I’m in a band”. Imagine that mumbled and the background noise of passing traffic, like they’ve just thought to phone and tell me and are stopped at a red light.
Me: A-ha.
Them: Well, I wanna get in the paper.
Me: So, you’ve got a gig coming up? Where is it?
Them: No, I just saw the paper and I’m in a band and wanna get in it.
Me: Well, the section does tend to publicise events and gigs people can go to in the coming week, so when’s your next gig …The frustration continues in that vein until they realise that banging on a drum or screaming some death metal chorus doesn’t necessarily guarantee them a place on the pages of the local rag.
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I work a 9-5 too. 🙁
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i just found out about this blog…and i’m in awe!!! wonderful to bits…and you’re funny!!!
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Well said.
A friend of mine just emailed me and said she had a customer who faxed a form through to her with a mistake on it. When she called the customer and asked them to fax it through again, the customer said, “But I’ve faxed it to you, I don’t have it anymore. You have it.”
People used to do this to me all the time when I was in an office job! Silly Customers – when you fax something through to another office, it is not THE ACTUAL DOCUMENT YOU HOLD IN YOUR HAND that goes through. It MAKES A COPY.
🙂
Thanks for the rant space!
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Rant: Instructors who are idiots.
I don’t care if you have it on your PowerPoint presentation, it’s still impossible for the “office of notary public” to have started 2,000 years ago on the docks of North Carolina! And while we’re at it, people who don’t want to swear on the Bible don’t choose to swear on the “Corinthian.” You meant the Koran. Immigrants do not get ID cards at the “concierge office.” It’s the consulate. And something you can’t read is illegible, not “ineligible.”
Thanks, I feel better now. -
Rant: Forms continued.
Ok, so you know that form we have, that Internet Security Declaration one? Yeah, the one that says in big (well, 12-point) letters “Please complete this form if you have a website?” Please don’t ring and ask me if you need to complete it. You should know.
Oh, wait, you shouldn’t have to do it? Why is that? Oh, because you don’t sell online, you just advertise.
Newsflash, buddy: the form doesn’t say “Please complete this form if you sell product online.” It says “Please complete this form if you have a website.” You know, that thing you use to advertise online.
But if it did say “Please complete this form if you sell product online,” I have a horrible feeling you’d still ring and ask if you needed to complete it.
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Personally, I love when students (I may or may not work at a Uni) fill in the space where it asks Address and they put their email address, ignoring the fact that right under that spot was the Email space. I especially love it when they go on to write “Same as above”.
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Consider that an 83c rise on what I am making from my blog 🙂
I secretly love filling in application forms. And I always do it neatly and if I make a mistake, I ask for a new form.
I realise this makes me a weird and quite rare creature.
