Smaggle

Disclaimer – I have written and posted this piece THREE times in the past week but my darling blog (who is clearly being a bitch) keeps deleting it. So I apologise if my writing drips with negativity and contempt. 

So the other day I was fancying myself as a bit of a fashion bigwig. Imagining Smaggle going ‘global’ so to speak and being given my own show. It would be a Trinny and Susannah meets Oprah meets Tonya Toddman* meets Pixie Geldoff  kind of affair. THEN I was thinking it’s only a matter of time before ‘SMAGGLE – The Movie’… Oh whatever! I’m so not the only person who does this. I was on the stepper at the gym for like 20 minutes and there is only so long that I can think about Johnny Depp before I need a moment alone to… er… collect my thoughts. Naturally the mind wanders…

Anyway I was casting the plum role of Lady Smaggle and running through the obvious contenders. The Kates – Blanchett or Winslet. Either would be fine. Perhaps a little Toni Collette action? Helen Mirren if the movie was set in the future… And then in the midst of an ill placed song on my ipod the answer came to me…

Jennifer Saunders. Specifically in an Edwina Monsoon kind of fashion. No Liv Tyler or Jennifer Lopez for me. I would love to flatter myself and say Audrey Tautou but no one on this planet could do Smaggle like Jennifer Saunders. Any given evening you’ll find me on a balcony, drinking wine and talking about penises. Hell yes. All I can say is, Jennifer? My people will call your people. 

So what about you lady face? Man head? Who would play you in a movie? Be honest… don’t bullshit me here. 

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

* Tonya Toddman is this awesomely daggy Australian DIY guru. She used to be on a show called ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ and she’d make pillowcase covers, bath bombs and handy craft racks. I freakin’ loved her. I would sit through hours of landscaping tips just to see her make a lamp out of old glass jars. As I said, she is pretty daggy but I’m betting she could kick Trinny’s arse. Susannah’s too.

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Lady loves…

* Chilly evenings drinking wine with Roomy and Co-dependent Smaggle.

* The movie ‘Clueless’.

* Mineral water and T2 tea. 

* My job. On Thursday I taught autistic kids with no sense of danger and on Friday I taught at risk teenagers. All of these ‘special needs’ students were sweeter, kinder and more interesting than any ‘normal’ student I have ever taught. 

* Hot and Colds at San Churros. Basically a cup of thick delicious hot chocolate with a scoop of ice cream in it. You just had a baby orgasm didn’t you?

* Safe flirting. 

* Cleaning. I just re-arranged and scrubbed my kitchen and bathroom. The whole apartment smells like bleach. Excellent. 

* Vases of flowers. 

* Collecting empty jars. 

* Reading back to back books about cannibals and serial killers. 

* My new cream beanie with ear flaps. I swear to you I couldn’t look cuter. 

* My favourite cafe that has crochet blankets so you can snuggle outside in the sunshine and drink chai tea. 

* Roomy Smaggle’s nieces and nephew. We took them to the aquarium on Saturday and I had the most fabulous afternoon. Her nephew liked me so much that he literally sucked my face. Bless. 

Lady Loathes…

* My blog being precious. I have posted three times in the last few days and all the posts have spontaneous deleted themselves. Lets keep our fingers crossed for this one. 

* Saying goodbye to Mr Smaggle. 

* Being cold. All. The. Time. 

* Selfish people. 

* Having to clean my room before I go to bed tonight. Too tired. 

* Hangovers. 

What about you kitten features? Anything to share?

Lady Smaggle

xxx

P.S I PROMISE to have some more interesting posts up soon. Been mega busy petals! 

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Lady loves…

* Crisp, sunny Canberra mornings… that stay that way all day. Unlike the Melbourne ones. 

* Returning home from my month in Canberra to find a welcome home note and a pile of lollies on my bed from Roomy Smaggle. Bless face. 

* Naturally Sadie. I’m seriously addicted. I actually shushed Mr Smaggle during this show. I never shush people for T.V.

* My delightful weekend plans including high tea, several parties and lots of hand holding with the mister. 

* Cute Melbourne girls and their scarves and boots. And being all gorgeous on bikes. They are truly unique down here. 

* My apartment and all the jolly visitors we receive. 

* Being ALMOST certain that I have my shit together. 

* Being featured in my first classroom note at a school that I taught at. I didn’t quite see it before the kid ripped it up but I THINK it was a picture of me being done from behind. Golden. 

* That this year is half over… and also that there is still another half to go. 

Lady loathes…

* Winter. Can. Not. Feel. My. Fingers. I’m also fairly certain that I lost the tip of my nose to hypothermia this afternoon watching a film shoot in a canal. Why shoot a film in a canal? Why?

* Bad TV reception. 

* The stupid kid that I was sharing a lane with at the pool yesterday. Absolutely no concept of the ‘circle’ motion of swimming. He just swam where ever the hell he liked, most often making a Jaws like beeline for me and then giving me underwater greasies for getting in his way. Dude. Sense the correct flow of movement here and adapt. 

* My internet. It’s like a petulant teenager, only working how and when it pleases. 

* Calories in wine. I just think it’s cruel. 

What about you chicken? What’s ticklin’ your pickle this week?

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Lady loathes the internet screwing her over. Wrote a huge post last night and lost it because my internet hates me. Apparently I can’t upload images either.

Back soon…

Love Loathing Lady Smaggle

xxx

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Lovely weekend – baby shower, drinks with my girlfriends and a Sunday afternoon tea date then out for dinner with Mr Smaggle and a few of our friends…

* Jeans from Jag in Canberra

* Dress from Tree of Life in Canberra

* Scarf from Dotti in Melbourne

* Tuxedo jacket thrifted in Canberra

* Shoes Doc Martens from DFO in Melbourne

* Bangles from everywhere

* Earrings from Bijoux in Manuka

Must fly angels… my historical techniques in jewellery design assignment won’t write itself!

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

I’ve been receiving ridiculous amounts of traffic from my How to Wear a Scarf for Men post so I thought I would give the lads a special sunday treat and give you guys some sartorial eye candy of your own… I’m just a bit thoughtful like that.

Experiment with the proportions of your outfit. Wear your shirt a little longer or your pants a little shorter.

Don’t be afraid of patterns and bold prints.

Try unusual silhouettes in your ensembles.

Embrace statement hair. There is nothing sexier than a young man rocking a quiff or funky mohawk.

Theme dressing? Girls do it all the time. Why not be appropriately dressed for every different situation?

Okay I’m not seriously suggesting that you try this look. There is no way that you’re cool enough. But do try to inject some colour into your wardrobe. Black, navy and bottle green are starting to haunt me on the streets of Melbourne.

Try wearing jewellery. And not just a plain silver chain or ring. I love a man who wears statement accessories.

I don’t care how old you are. Wear a god damn suit and smoke a cigar. And then take me for a ride on your yacht.

Be yourself. If you want to wear a fabulous jacket covered in antique fruit print, do it.

I heard recently that Einstein wore the same thing every single day so he didn’t have to waste the thought on what to wear, but he theorised relativity. What’s your excuse?

And don’t be telling me these tips are ‘gay’ – they are no gayer than those hideous, skinny, long shorts and feral lace-less 80′s sand shoes that seem permanently attached to every Australian male under the age of twenty. Plus I’m a girl. I know what tingles the poonani…

Photos from Facehunter and The Sartorialist.?

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx