Smaggle

Lets all thank Mr Smaggle for my birthday present tripod. 

* Pants from Witchery

* Boots from Joanne Mercer

* Top from a store on Brunswick Street that I suspect may be illegal because they only accept cash

* Cardigan from Supre

* Necklace from Poppy Smaggle

* Silver bracelets from Mamma Smaggle

* Earrings from Girl Props

Today I had a date with Mamma Smaggle, met my bride and fellow bridesmaid for a glass champagne and I’m just about to head to the pub for quiz night. Such a pleasant day…

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

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* Lazy Sunday mornings where Mr Smaggle brings me fruit salad and tea in bed and we read books until midday. Sigh! 

* The movie ‘Ponyo’. The cuteness factor is out of control. Do see the version with subtitles though, there is nothing more gorgeous than Japanese manga cartoon noises. 

* Getting a mini holiday. I’m writing lists as we speak. 

* Long conversations on the phone with my Melbourne ladies. 

* My best friend getting engaged and asking me to be bridesmaid. She did ask me 17 years ago when I was 9 but  obviously it’s a little more official now.  

* Discovering Body Shop Elderflower under-eye gel. I swear I look like a teenager again. 

* Mr Smaggle buying me an awesome tripod for my birthday which means outfit shots will be back! And I can prove to all my mega loyal readers that I’m still stylish! I am! I am! 

* Frozen Coke.

* Planning a million different creative projects.

What about you poppet pie? Share the love?

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

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What’s your definition of cheating on your partner? I’ve been spending the afternoon reading an old stack of magazines and I came across an article in which the female writer claims that flirting, raunchy emails and developing emotionally revealing relationships counts as being unfaithful to your partner. My first reaction was repulsion, purely because I’m a total horn bag and I flirt with anything that moves – men, women, trees – and I would be devastated if anyone, especially Mr Smaggle, construed that as being unfaithful.

As I thought more about this I realised that my whore-like flirting is in fact my saving grace. It doesn’t discriminate, no one is safe from it and I do it in broad day light. I’ll often come home to my man and have a brag that I flirted my way to a discount when I got my car washed or that a guy asked for my phone number in a bar.  And I’m sure he would do the same if he had any clue when people are flirting with him. I have to point out to the sweet creature when he is getting sexy eyes from the girl making his coffee or when the gay guys at Saba give him a discount that’s a little too generous. The point I’m making is that fundamentally speaking, we are animals and just because some of us have chosen to partner up doesn’t automatically make us devoid of our natural desires. I still check out other guys. Mr Smaggle checks out other girls. I check out girls FOR Mr Smaggle and point out the ones with awesome tits. We know it’s only window shopping or like going to an art gallery or something. No harm done, but lets consider this – being in a committed relationship doesn’t stop you from being desired by other people either and I believe this is where the blurred lines of infidelity start to wreak havoc on our relationships. 

Obviously a little harmless flirting is fine but what if your partner feels desired by this person? More desired than you make them feel? What if they develop a serious emotional relationship? What if he or she was sending this person emails divulging information about your relationship? What if, at the end of everyday, your partner wants to talk to this person instead of you? Is that really any better than having sex with them? Is it more forgivable? I would argue that it’s just as harmful to threaten the emotional connection in your relationship. It is, however undoubtedly easier to forgive an emotional infidelity than a sexual one. If you come across a few secret text messages or a couple of naughty emails there’s this sense of having stopped the affair before it happened. Is that really the case though?

Perhaps it is. I had a partner cheat on me once, emotionally and sexually, and all I could think of was the physical betrayal. I didn’t give a toss about the evening phone calls, divulgences of life ambitions or the closeness that they shared. It was the simple act of him sticking his dick where he shouldn’t have. Hate to be crass but it was like a disgusting porn reel in my head for months after we broke up and don’t even start with me and the dirtiness of it all. The thought of sharing my toothbrush makes me want to hurl so you can imagine the mega brain spasm occurrence when my OCD gland got a hold of that information. *Shudder*

So what do you think? Emails and texts – do they count as cheating? Or does your partner need to commit a physical act for it to officially be a betrayal? Or does the physical act just totally annihilate the emotional affair so that it becomes redundant? Does an emotional cheat hurt more when it’s not followed by a physical one?

Just curious about my reader’s opinions on this matter. 

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Lady loves…

* A ‘sensible’ mid-week catch up with Browny turning into copious amounts of wine, Browny getting it on with a guy called Borat and me ending the evening with my head in the toilet on a work night. What, am I sixteen? Totally worth it though. 

* Being told yesterday morning that I looked ‘fresh and lovely’ right as my liver was threatening to crawl right out my bum, run to the nearest police station and have an AVO taken out against me. Nothing like a completely unexpected compliment to get you through hang over hell. 

* Biting people in weird places. Don’t be dirty! I just bit Mr Smaggle on the calf and it was really satisfying. I recommend that you try it. By the way is it ‘calf’ or ‘calve’? Google dictionary seems to think it’s both. 

* Young girls who dress beautifully. I saw a stunning angel yesterday wearing a soft floral dress and stacks of bangles while all her friends were wearing arse-cheek cut off denim shorts. I applaud you, non-conformist teenager!

* Big Love Season 3. I stayed up until 2am watching it last night. Completely in love with Chloe Sevingy. 

* Perfect Saturdays. 

Lady loathes…

* Dora the Explorer. I’m going to kill the map. 

* People who say stuff like ‘If I don’t feel comfortable driving at the speed limit then I don’t have to‘. Um… yeah you do. It’s the law. It’s a maximum and minimum speed give or take ten percent either side. If you don’t feel comfortable driving at the speed limit DON’T DRIVE. 

* Finding out that spring rolls have 400 calories in them. 400! Why has this not been brought to my attention before? Ignorance is indeed bliss.

*Incompetent administration staff.  

* Wii Fit. Passive aggressive little bastard. ‘Well, well if it isn’t Lady Smaggle? I haven’t seen you in a while, perhaps that’s why you’ve gained 400gms?‘. I live in Melbourne you douche bag and don’t ever tell me if I’ve gained 400gms. I could lose that with one really good fart. And ‘I haven’t seen Mr Smaggle in a while! How he is looking? Fatter? Thinner? The same?‘. It’s trying to turn us against each other… I think it’s watching me while I sleep. 

* Not having enough time. Ever. 

What about you bunny face? Anything lovely and yucky to share?

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Esty

Lady loves…

* The second hand book shop on Swanston Street called ‘Kill City’. Main theme being crime books. It’s freaking awesome. I’ve stocked up for my holiday reading – I’ve got Port Arthur Massacre, Ivan Milat and the Falconio murder locked and loaded. 

* Kiwi fruit. 

* Judge Judy being on just as I arrive at the gym. Nothing like a couple of ‘You’re full of a balony!’s to get me through my 20 minutes on the stepper. 

* Brand new art journals. 

* My job. Again. Today there was a little boy going TO TOWN scratching his nether regions, so naturally I was all ‘Dude. What’s the go down there?’. He replied ‘There’s something on my doodle!’. Turns out, one of the little girls in his class had followed him to the toilet and stuck a CD security sticker to his balls. I bit a freaking hole in my lip trying not to laugh as the education support assistant had to literally scratch it of this poor kid’s sack. Golden.

* Clean sheets and a hot water bottle. Delicious! 

* James Franco.

* This is a little of an over share but, peeing when you really need to go… nothing beats it. 

* Having only one more day of work before the weekend. Partying, packing and then heading back to Canberra. 

* Having the week of baby animals last week. Firstly my teacher brought in two baby kangaroos that she is bottle feeding. Oh. My. God. Cuteness factor of five billion. Then a lady from work brought in her Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppy called Harry who snuggled up on my shoulder and gently ate my ear for 15 minutes. THEN Oadie (the collective boyfriend of my faux family here in Melbourne) impulse bought a Border Collie puppy. He is like a tiny little bear. My head needs a rest from the urge to smaggle them all to death. 

Lady loathes…

* Spring teasing me. It’s mid-September. Why do I still need to wear gloves outside?

* That lame ad for that stupid ‘smart key’ car and the idiot actor spruking it. ‘The smart key is great. It unlocks the door while it’s still in my pocket, one less thing for me to think about’. Since when does taking your keys out of your pocket and unlocking a door require any extra brain power? How lazy are we getting?

* People speaking to me like I am an idiot. For example - 

Teacher – Where’s John?

Lady Smaggle – Who?

Teacher – John! The new kid John.

Lady Smaggle – There’s no John in this class. 

Teacher – Yes there is. (Speaking reeeeeaaaallly sloooooowly) John Brown. Where is he?

Lady Smaggle – (Speaking reeeeaaaallly sloooooowly back) He is not in this class. 

As it turns out, he wasn’t in the class. Der.

* Bad gym class instructors. Had a doozy tonight. She kept stopping and losing her place. Plus she seemed more intent on looking at herself in the mirror than actually teaching the class. 

What about you scrumptious bum? Share come yummies and yuckies today?

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

P.S Late addition to Lady’s loves – 50 Sluttiest American Apparel Ads of all time.

Recently an advertisement has been hitting the Melbourne airways that has been giving me severe anger wrinkles. I won’t name the company but they claim to give people ‘a fair go’ and allow them to rent things like computers, plasma televisions and treadmills. You know, life’s essentials. That sentence was meant to be peppered with sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell. The ad depicts a few typical Australians who want to be given this proverbial ‘fair go’. Presumably they can’t get a loan to purchase these ‘necessities’ and this company is claiming to be able to give them what they want for something stupid like a dollar a day. 

No one needs a plasma television. No one needs a treadmill and to be perfectly honest no one really needs a computer. If by chance any of these items are required by a person perhaps that person should save up their money and buy it. Yes. I’m talking piggy bank style. I cannot stand the thought of people who are already in financial difficulty being seduced into thinking they need all these ridiculous items and being ripped off by these ‘buy now and pay later’ scams. I do understand that everyone’s financial situation is different and I freely admit that I am very blessed in being an educated middle class Australian woman but if I hear one more minimum wage working idiot who buys his lunch at MacDonald’s, smokes a packet of cigarettes everyday and pumps $200 through the pokies every Friday having a bitch because he can’t afford to get the new play station console I’m going to tell him where to stick it. Along with the girl who works in retail and gets a full beauty treatment every Saturday to the tune of $300 and then takes out a loan to buy a Chloe handbag. She can stick it too. 

There are millions of people in this world with the most disgusting sense of entitlement it makes you wonder where they learnt it. Daddy Smaggle has always said to me that if I want something I have to work for it. I kind of assumed that that was a general Australian attitude but clearly there are quite a few people who missed that memo. There’s a lass I know of who is studying (her third degree. When I queried her on her intentions to pay her HECS debt she replied – ‘Oh please! I’ll never earn enough to pay that back.’) and chooses to only work enough to pay her rent and buy bare essentials. She recently took out a loan to go on an overseas trip. Yeah. That was some essential spending there sweetheart. Now up to her eyeballs in debt she was lamenting that she wishes she was a relief teacher (as I am) because I earn so much more than her. ‘Tis true. May I say though that I went straight from year twelve to university, completed my degree in the prescribed four years, never failed, never deferred and graduated on time. Now I am reaping the benefits of my own hard work (and Mamma Smaggle’s constant encouragement) by having an excellent part time job to support myself while I study something I love. Where was she when I was doing this? In Morroco. Smoking weed.

The point of this rant? The world owes you nothing. Aside from the ACTUAL essentials of food, clothing, shelter and water there is nothing that you should be given without having to work for it. As for the plasma television – If I wanted one I could buy one today, no loan required, but I’m not going to do that because I have a shitty little TV/DVD set with appalling reception that does the job just fine. And the money that I saved on this non-essential item can wait for something else. Perhaps I can use it to pay my rent if I get sick and can’t work or maybe buy food if I get fired and I don’t have an income. If, god forbid, either of these things happen I’m lucky. Because I don’t have to pay off a loan for a useless plasma TV that certainly won’t keep me warm if my electricity gets cut off. 

Can I share my favourite Daddy Smaggle quote? He is a self made man who owns a spectacularly reputable plumbing business that he built himself through hard work, determination and the undying support of Mamma Smaggle who is his business partner. They are two weeks away from moving into a beautiful home that they built themselves. In passing, a gentleman remarked how lucky Daddy Smaggle is. His reply? ‘Yes. I am lucky. And the harder I work, the luckier I get’.

Share your rant? 

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

For Daddy Smaggle. Happy Father’s Day! I’m so proud of you. 

P.S.  This rant is aimed at able bodied people who have the physical and mental ability to support themselves financially. I teach special needs kids and do not take lightly the fact that there are circumstances under which people do require assistance.

I’m so sick of wearing dirty jeans and safety gear all week in the studio that I went into girly overload and let spring throw up on me…

* Yellow dress thrifted in Canberra

* Floral pinafore from Harem in Melbourne

* Shoes from Big W in Canberra

* Earrings from Diva in Wellington

* White obi belt from DFO in Melbourne

Oh and by the way my hair isn’t pinned up it’s actually cut that way. On the short side I have an undercut. I’m so tough. 

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

etsy

Lady loves…

* An evening alone to cram home made asian mince and lettuce wraps into my mouth and spill it all down my front. Totally filthy and totally satisfied. Excellent. 

* Ginger ale and Japanese ginger candy. Never been a huge fan of the old ginger. Perhaps I’m developing a more mature palette. 

* Sitting on the deck with Co-Dependent Smaggle drinking gin and tonics. 

* Having just one week of school left before I drive into the sunset and back to the Berra… until next term that is. 

* The teacher that I went on an exursion with today who did a complete 360 in a narrow Melbourne street with 20 students on a giant bus to pick up a chair left as hard rubbish on the side of the road. The fact that she looks like a supermodel made it so much cooler. This tiny, gorgeous thing wearing all manner of scarves and bangles heaving this old chair onto the bus. Priceless. 

* Working. There is nothing I love more than being able to comfortably afford to pay my rent. I almost get off on being financially secure. I’m sick. 

* My delicious reader Nicole for not only spotting me in the August issue of BUST magazine but for taking the time to actually send me a copy because it’s not available in Australia! Big sloppy virtual kisses sent in your direction lady! Mwah!

* My course. Useful information overload. It’s awesome. 

* Mr Smaggle making my internet faster then dial-up for the first time all year. Yay blogging!

* Being the only person in my enormous local outdoor pool swimming in the sunshine. 

* True crime books. I’m totally addicted right now. 

Lady loathes…

* This stupid ulcer that has taken up residence under my lip. So annoying. 

* Getting the hiccoughs at the gym. As if it’s not unpleasant enough already. 

* A Current Affair. And E! They are both total wastes of airspace. 

* Being either covered in acid (school) or snot (teaching) and not being able to wear pretty clothes everyday. It’s starting to wear me down.

* Not having a sewing machine! I was discussing this with Roomy Smaggle and we were wondering when is the appropriate age to get over borrowing other people’s sewing machines and buy your own? And when I say buy your own I mean a new one that wasn’t purchased from Ebay or Savers. It’s such a big investment but one that will have to be made eventually. What are your thoughts on this?

* Smashing a whole bottle of sweet chilli sauce in the driveway. 

What about you angel face?

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

fotodecadent

* Wear one set of earrings in the same ear? Arrange your hair to the side to make this your focal point?

* Buy sticks of coloured glass blowers glass? Arrange them in the vases through out your house?

* Moisturise your hands every single night? Make this a bed time ritual?

* Use pages torn from magazines to make your own envelopes? Wrapping paper? Writing folders?

* Leave notes in the steam of your bathroom mirror after your shower? A sexy message for your lover? A cheerful anecdote for your housemate?

* Eat fresh fruit everyday?

* Not wear perfume today? Walk around smelling like green apples and vanilla from your shampoo, soap and shower?

* Use all your old beads, ribbon and trim to make a gorgeous art work? Swirls of sequins? Dashes of glitter? 

* Start a diary? Buy a delicious notebook and rediscover the cathartic act of putting actual pen to paper?

* Do as the Japanese do and keep everything in containers? Old jars of nuts and bolts? Tea in drawstring cloth bags? The television remote nestled in a long china dish?

Happy days lovelies!

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

etsy

Today’s rant? Picky eaters. They make me so angry. In order to pay my bills and buy pretty things I teach at special needs schools and let me tell you these kids and their freakin picky eating is giving me the right royal shits. 

Take for instance the pineapple kid I came across last week. We were making pizzas in class and he didn’t want pineapple on his pizza. Fine. He made his pizza sans pineapple and was as happy as a clam. Excellent. Time to wash up. The kid ate every piece of pineapple left on every plate. Apparently he likes it by itself but not on his pizza. Get a grip! You either eat it, or you don’t. And what the hell are with his parents? And the teachers? Both pandering to his weird love/hate pineapple affair? When I was a kid you bloody well ate what you were given or you copped the wrath of Mamma Smaggle. There just wasn’t the option to not eat a certain type of food. It’s these kind of kids that grow into the adults that hate parsley and won’t even eat food that is sitting next to it. Oh and those losers that order a single meal at a restaurant while everyone else gets a banquet because they ‘don’t like the sound of chinese broccoli’.   

Don’t get me wrong. Allergies and personal preferences are fine. Mr Smaggle is allergic to wheat and several of my close friends are vegetarian. Not an issue. I even have a vegetarian friend who quite happily picks the meat out of her meal and throws it to her carnivore boyfriend. Loving it. What I hate is when people flat out refuse to eat a certain food because they are being a little princess or when people are inconsistent with their likes and dislikes. I’ll be honest here, I’m not the biggest fan of carbs. We all know this, but if I go to a friends house and they make me rice I’ll damn well eat it. I also hate fruit in savoury dishes but if someone serves it to me I’ll eat it (except Mamma Smaggle. I have family immunity so I’m allowed be a fussy bitch about her revolting sultana cous cous). Unless the offending food item is going to make you break out in hives or need an adrenalin shot, quit being a pussy and eat the damn thing. Oh and what about those people who harp on and on about how much they hate marzipan and then one day you catch them eating a butt load of it? Food hypocrisy makes my brain hurt in bad places. 

That brings me to my next point. Smug vegans. Two words for you – BLOW GOATS. I used to work with a lovely Vegan lady who very quietly ate her virtuous cruelty free diet while the rest of us carnivores feasted on the fluffy cuteness of our four-legged friends. Upon meeting her partner (also Vegan) I quizzed him on the nature of his diet in a very respectful and interested way. ‘May I ask why you follow a Vegan diet? I’m just curious because it’s such a big commitment and it must be very difficult at times.’ I asked in all my wide eyed innocence. Just as I was a lifting a forkful of Thai beef to my lips he replied ‘Well it’s really just my moral standing. You see, I liken eating meat to punching a baby in the face’. I’m sure he intended for me for me to feel shameful about my heathen diet but I just thought ‘You dickhead’. 

In all honesty, I don’t give a crap what people do and don’t like. Which means that I don’t want to hear about it. So here’s a  message to the public – unless you have an allergy, a medical condition, or are a well-behaved vegetarian or vegan get over it and swallow the freakin eggplant. It won’t kill you. 

What about you poppet pie? Feel like sharing the angst? 

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx