Smaggle

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, and I go back and forth all the time. I know I want to be a mom, and I’m 28, so I definitely feel some “pressure.” On the other hand, I’ve been married once and I feel a billion times more committed to my current boyfriend, even without the official marriage. In some ways, I feel like our commitment is even more valid, because we’re not staying due to financial/legal obligation, but more out of love. At the end of the day, I think that a small wedding someday will be fun, but whether or not it’ll deepen our commitment, I’m not sure. I do feel like I want to be married to the father of my children though, and that’s my main motivation for having a wedding at all.

I’m married and straight and 38. I didn’t feel any social pressure and never really cared about being married or not. (What I REALLY wanted, my whole life, was to have kids.) We had been together 15 years and had kids together. In our country, de facto couples don’t have the same legal rights. New legislation had just come in allowing gay or straight couples to have a Civil Union, and this had highlighted the lack of legal protection for de facto partners. So we popped off to the Registry Office and got civilly united. We didn’t even tell anyone for almost a year. HOWEVER, I must say that the ‘just-married’ buzz is SUCH a good feeling!  :)

I’m not really bothered too much about marriage, and neither is my boyfriend.  We know that we’re going to be together for ever, anyway!  I am very keen to have children soon, though.  There’s no pressure from our parents to be married before we have children, though I think my grandfather would be a little upset if there was no wedding!  We’re in Australia and both 27.

Never thought or cared about it but at 33 met “my person” and got married at 34. In my mid to late 20s? Wouldn’t have considered it. Also, dated jerks.

I see myself married with children in the future but I don’t see myself having a wedding, being pregnant or raising babies. I see myself as an old lady with a big family. Weird. 

That’s very cute. I like that. Just quietly, we’ve discussed something similar. We travel quite frequently with our jobs and being married would make visas and work permits easier to get. 

I feel the same way. My mother says she wouldn’t mind if I never had a wedding but I think she’d really like it if I had one. 

I’ve certainly met ‘my person’ and perhaps when I’m 33 I may want to marry him!

ahhh this old chestnut! Your words could be my words! I’m 28 and I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and marriage has never really been our ultimate goal. We have decided early on that we’d rather travel than spend a bazillion $ on a wedding! But…..we recently had a baby whilst we were in Tokyo and because we were not married it caused SO many dramas. It was really weird being in a country where marriage really meant something, like REALLY meant something. Ross wasn’t allowed to be on Tallulah’s birth certificate because we weren’t married, crazy right?! It’s nuts that in Australia being defacto is pretty much the same as marriage so its understandable that marriage isn’t a big deal to most people. 

However, having a little human has maybe changed my feelings towards marriage- ooooh it may have softened my heart! I kind of like the idea of us 3 having the same lastname…and I have a pretty awesome last name so this is a pretty huge deal and having a big party with my family and friend would be pretty rad!

No, I’ll never get married, change my name or let anyone refer to me as a “Mrs” or a “Miss” I never dreamt of weddings, I dreamt of ponies. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and marriage is the last thing on my mind. The thought of my father giving me ‘away” to another man also makes me want to heave.

Oh, and I’m 33 years old.

I’m single, so from a purely ‘not in a committed relationship’ perspective – I would quite like to get ‘married’, but weddings themselves aren’t really my thing.

I’d prefer to just go down to Births, Deaths and Marriages with my partner and sign whatever forms you have to sign, but then have a huge party/reception instead of a proper ‘ceremony’. I’ve long entertained the notion of inviting people to an ‘engagement party’ and then just springing it on everyone that in fact we’re married and this is the reception – avoids fuss and all the family drama that comes along with actual wedding planning.

Having said that, my housemate is getting married in September and they’re having the full Church ceremony and wedding reception – even a wedding mass! – and I couldn’t be more excited.

I’m 25 and was married at 23 to my husband. He’s in the military and there is a world of difference between being married and single for our troops in America. Our friends are all progressive liberals and were shocked that we were getting married, but all incredibly happy for us! I never thought I’d want to get married so young, but I found the best guy and it made complete sense. As a married couple, we have the privilege to live together off-base in Japan and for me to travel for free quite a bit! I don’t feel like it’s an extra step of commitment because we were already nuts for each other and totally committed while dating.

I’m glad we got married young now, because having a carefree and low-budget wedding was expected.

I just got married at the end of May to my lovely boyfriend of seven+ years, we’re both 27.  I was also largely ambivalent on the whole thing, as in I wasn’t itching for him to propose and I didn’t put any pressure on myself or him to get hitched.  People would ask and we’d be like “we’ll get hitched eventually, when we feel like it!”  Unlike several girlfriends, I don’t have “the baby rabies” as one of my married, uninterested-in-kids friends puts it!   Like you, that isn’t to say I didn’t want marriage/kids someday.  I just wasn’t on some hurry-up-walk-down-the-aisle-right-now schedule, and I wasn’t the type who’d been marrying Barbie dolls and wedding planning since I was 5.   The wedding was completely awesome, however.  It was sublime to have all our busy and far-flung peeps in one place, just to party with us.  And I did enjoy the often nutty process of planning, most of the time.  Crafting something all about your relationship is fun!  I think you’ll enjoy the planning process because you’re into design and execution.  Also, I completely agree with you on marriage equality, we put a statement of equality in the very front page of our ceremony program and were so psyched when New York, where we got married, legalized gay marriage last week!  Hooray equality!

While I was reading this article on my phone on the way home, ‘Single Ladies’ came on my headphones. I had a little chuckle to myself ….if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!

I’m 22 (Australia) and have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I think about marriage sometimes, mostly because he is about 10 years older than me and most of his friends are getting married or pregnant or both. But a wedding is not really something I want, and not for years and years to come either. I definitely want a “family”, but I’m not yet sure if that means kids or something else.  I could go either way about marriage, and I’d much rather something quiet and low key wedding-wise.

I’m in a defacto relationship and desperately want to get “married” because “defacto” is such an ugly word…maybe they should change it to something less ugly? It’s just that “married” is such a much nicer sounding word!

I have mixed feelings about getting married and weddings, however. From what I’ve noticed, getting married means saying adieu to your sex life and massive weight gain. My only reason for even wanting to get married is because I am really “old school” about certain things and wouldn’t want to have children out of wedlock. And of course because it just makes it so much easier and more normal for the kids. I’m also starting to see marriage as a thing of prestige seeing as more and more couples have started to shun the tradition, and modern values have left the entire institution of marriage in shambles as people seem to be respecting each other less and less these days.

As for weddings, they are something I’m not terribly keen on. They look gorgeous and lovley, but all of that effort…sheesh…and I mean how DO you go about who to invite if you really don’t want to have your brother inlaws skank whore girlfriend in sight on the day? Things like that just make it so much more awkward because you don’t want to piss off the inlaws but its also meant to be YOUR day! Sounds so messy…

Marriage is something that is quite important to me.  I’m in a long-term, committed relationship, and I would rather like to get married eventually.  I’m not foaming at the mouth to walk down the aisle, it’ll happen when my partner and I are ready.  We’ve been together for seven years, and I feel sure that he’s the person I will spend my life with, but I’m not sure that we’re quite ready for a wedding just yet.  For me, marriage is important.  I want to get up in front of my friends and family and say, “you are the person I love and I want to link myself to you forever”. 

That said, I don’t think that marriage is essential for a healthy, committed relationship to work.  I know plenty of couples who have been together for decades, who aren’t married, and have brilliant relationships.  Marriage isn’t for everyone, and that’s cool with me.

I do hold the institution of marriage to be something sacred.  It gets me a bit fired up when people take marriage lightly, or when shows like The Bachelor make a mockery of something so special.  Marriage is a massive commitment, and if you’re going to do it, you should take it very seriously.  A wedding is more than just a party with a white dress and a cake, it’s a ceremony that celebrates the love and commitment that a couple have for one another. 

It does upset me that for heterosexual people, marriage is something that’s easily accessible, and is sometimes taken so lightly.  I think it’s really unfair that homosexual couples aren’t able to access the same rights as heterosexual couples in Australia.  Sure, they have all the same legal rights as married couples, but somehow, saying, “here, legally you’re the same as a married couple, but you can’t actually get married, because that’s something special that only straight people can do” is really patronizing.

I’m 24 and have been in a defacto relationship for almost seven years.  I definitely want to get married
someday, but not today.  I feel absolutely no social pressure to do so.  My friends and family don’t seem to be the ‘has he put a ring on it yet?’ types, thank god. 

I want to get married because I think ritual is important (from a totally non-religous perspective), and something we have too little of in the western world.   To me, weddings are a break from the mundane, a chance to celebrate not only the couple or the concept of love, but life itself (corny as that sounds) with all your favourite people.   And I may have totally unrealistic expectations of marriage, but I do imagine that the relationship is somehow elevated once you are husband and wife and have made a lifelong commitment and all of that.  But I totally agree with you that the illegality of gay marriage in Australia makes it feel like an exclusive, stuffy and slightly yucky institution.

But despite being in a wonderful relationship with the man I’m almost certain I will marry (and having an unhealthy addiction to wedding blogs), I’m not at all keen to get married today, or any time in the immediate future.  My reasons are both practical and emotional.  We currently live with a housemate (which is fantastic from a financial perspective, but I also think broadens our horizons a bit) and would like to continue doing so for the foreseable future.  But who wants to live with a married couple?  Also my immediate goal is home ownership (another conservative right of passage I seem to have gotten attached to), and I feel like a wedding would interfere with that somehow.  But ultimately, I don’t want to rush into marriage because of this silly idea I have that the rest of my 20s would somehow feel anticlimactic, and that (besides children) I’d have nothing left to look forward to.  My boyfriend also seems to think he should be able to ‘provide for me’ in order for us to get married, and I’m currently the main income earner, by a long way.  Which doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but clearly hurts his manly ego.   And, at the end of the day, I’m only 24, and life is fun and wonderful now, so why mess with it?

I agree with you. I’m in a stable, long-term relationship but have absolutely no intention of getting married. At least not for the foreseeable future. While I respect those who view marriage as a sacred bond, I view it as an outdated institution.

Having said that, if I ever decide to have children I may consider getting married, just to protect them. But I’m still not sold on it.

And yet, I have a folder in my PC full of wedding gowns and invitations and flower arrangements because I do adore weddings!

I’m 41, have been in a relationship for 23 years with my best, best friend. We got married 15 years ago, coz it seemed like a fun thing to do! It was a great excuse for a party, which we had a week later. At the actual ceremony there were 5 people (us + the 2 witnesses, and celebrant). It was surprisingly intense: I am not religious, but it was very powerful to declare commitment  so formally – only to each other. We had it outdoors, at sunset. We were both on a total high for a while afterwards, which is funny coz I thought I was fairly ambivalent. The wedding was brilliant, he is too. We got all dressed up, ordered OTT flowers… sigh…

We have 3 kids and an awesome relationship. Not sure if the awesomeness is because of anything, or just luck. Hard work, as well of course, haha. I kept my last name, duh.
Took me ages – years – to stop hating saying “my husband”, yecch. The word, not the guy

So I’m 22, Mormon, and married. I was married a year ago and I’m so happy to be married. I honestly love it. The whole wedding planning thing was really stressful and crazy and I’m really glad it’s over, but the being married part is great. In the Mormon religion, we get married in one of our temples and we are sealed together for all time and eternity, even after death. My husband and I chose to have a civil wedding last year, and at the end of this month we will be going to the temple in Salt Lake City to be sealed together. I know this may sound crazy to some of you, but it’s what we believe. Marriage isn’t something taken lightly in my religion, and it’s something that I’m really glad I’m apart of.

Here’s a picture of the Salt Lake Temple: http://www.ldschurchtemples.com/saltlake/

Ya. For one day, I get to be a princess and get married in a castle.

I’m in my mid-late 20′s and my partner of 4 years and I just had a baby together. We are about as committed as you can get. That said, we are not married and have no plans to ever get married. We are both in agreement that is isn’t something that we want. I agree that if my queer friends can’t get married then it’s just plain rude to go ahead and do it and invite them along. I’ also believe that historically marriage has been used to oppress and control women so it doesn’t have good connotations for me. For me, marriage is heading toward being outmoded and is rather archaic.  But that’s just me.

Agreed. And of all the options for what you call your honey, I think ‘husband’ (or wife) infinitely superior to ‘partner’ or ‘boyfriend’.

I’m 28 and got married pretty young at 24. I’ve been with my now husband since I was 18 though and for me that timing was ‘right’. It’s weird though – in my culture (I’m Indian) you get HUGE pressure to get married…and married young. Especially if you are female – despite every other success you achieve, your life is not complete until you are ‘settled’ and married.
 
So in that sense, I ticked all the boxes, but to be honest half the reason was so I could live with him without having the whole of the Indian community on my back If I had met him say 2-3 years ago, I definitely wouldn’t be married today. I look back and think 24 is way too young to get married. We had a big Hindu-Christian fusion Indian style wedding on the insistence of my parents, but we got our way in that the ceremony was over in 45 minutes (usually they go for houuuuuurs) and the rest of the night was spent celebrating. I haven’t changed my name legally am only JUST starting to get on board with the babies thing (and only coz so many bloody people keep procreating around me!!) (Um – I didnt mean that in the actual sense either…ewww ) but I do love being married to my best friend.
 
And the other thing is – since we have been together for so long, the honeymoon was long over before it officially started   There is a ‘just-married’ buzz you get, but then the familiarity of the relationship is always there and you get over it pretty quickly haha.
 
And I totally agree with your stance about marriage equality – I think it very unfair that it is so accessible for straight people when most people who decide to get married in the first place are doing it for the love of their partner and wanting to make that lifetime committment to them.
 
Love for me has no boundaries.

Hi Carly, I’ve been reading for a while but this post has prompted me to finally share.
I was engaged a couple of years ago to my high school sweet heart, after being apart for several years we crossed paths again which was all very romantic and gorgeous until it was horrendously awful. Heartbreaking, but the thing is, when it all went to hell which was rather neatly his fault, I was distraught and… relieved.  I found myself feeling panicked at getting married, and sadly I would’ve done it anyway. Now I’m with a wonderful man, and I still don’t feel sure about marriage. I wish I was someone who was suited to that, but I am slowly realising it’s not my thing. I LOVE weddings, I have been an ecstatic bridesmaid a few times. I don’t fit this mould that I celebrate for others so fully, and it makes me a bit sad. I guess my big question is, that stops me from subscribing to marriage is: Does your sexuality begin and end with your partner? And how does society accept or not accept your answer?

Wow, what a great post. I’m 28, single and I’d love to get married… but my parent’s marriage of 30 years just broke up 6 months ago. Which has really thrown me for six.

Seven months ago, I would have said that I think marriage is wonderful – two people, in front of the peole they love, choosing to forsake all others, and promise to love and honour each other for the rest of their lives? I am in awe of people who make that commitment to each other, and I love being part of weddings.

Today? I don’t know. I knew my parents had problems, but enough to make them break their vow to stay together forever? What if I get married (permit me a small, snarky ‘ha’. Ha!) and then we have problems. Me, and this man I thought I would love forever? We decide that we don’t love each other anymore. Or, even worse, one of us decides that, and the other one stays in love with them?

*deep breath*

So, this post touched a nerve. Sorry about that.

I think I still love the idea of promising someone that I will forsake all others, and love and honour them for the rest of my life, but I don’t know if I’ll marry them. That makes me kinda sad, because I was really looking forward to getting married some day.

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