How to Break-Up With Friends without Looking Like a Dick.

 

I had a reader write in this week asking about how to break up with friends. It’s so awkward. Especially if someone is not picking up on the clues that you’re trying to phase them out. Please don’t take this advice as harsh, it’s for dire situations only and I truly believe that no one should have to spend their free time with people whose company they don’t enjoy. Here’s how to cut ties without looking like an a-hole…

The Long Time Friend

Longevity is not a reason to stay friends with someone. People change, circumstances change and if you’ve gone off a long time friend, it’s time to phase them out. Be busy. Very busy. Be kind, but be busy. Eventually you’ll both forget who stopped calling who and will be able to exchange awkward pleasantries, should you ever run into each other in the future. Also, this can happen quite organically, even to friendships that you value so it’s unlikely that anyone will think you did it on purpose.

The Work Colleague

The easiest way to avoid awkward would-be work friends is to be anti-social at work. It sounds really extreme but when I used to work in an office I would attend the work Christmas party and nothing else. There are always super keen office people who want to organise weekend barbeques and work trivia nights, but my advice is to avoid it like a fart cloud. If you have a hobby like making gift cards or playing netball, make this hobby sound more time-consuming than it is. ‘This weekend? Sorry it’s my netball grand final!’ or ‘Thursday night? Shoot! That’s when my Crafty Cards meeting is!’. Hopefully they’ll think that you’re a loser and will stop asking you out anyway. I know some of the Pollyannas out there will be all ‘Office camaraderie makes a great working environment!’. I’m of the opinion that if you spend eight hours a day with your colleagues, you should never feel guilty for wanting to spend your remaining time with other people. Actually, stating this fact as an excuse to not attend Friday night work drinks is highly effective. It’s honest, it’s not rude and people can’t argue with you.

The Annoying Facebook Friend

We all have one. The guy with Train Rage, those lame people with their stupid in jokes ‘Pants! Pants! Pants! Face!!!‘ and girls who post a thousand photos of themselves pouting in the mirror. To be perfectly honest, if I didn’t need to be on Facebook for my business, I would delete my account faster than a fat photo. If you are only on Facebook for social purposes you need to either a) Cull your friend list so it only includes people you are close to or b) delete it all together. If you’re really attached to all 746 of your Facebook friends but don’t want to hear from the person whose every status update is a misquoted, misspelled inspirational mess, then simply hide them. If you click on the little cross on someone’s status, you can hide either just that status or all posts from that person. Just don’t forget that they are there. Facebook is like a party and deleting someone is like asking them to leave and really, how much are they bothering you?  If you must delete someone then do so with the knowledge that they will only find out if they go searching for you. If they have the balls to question you, bite back with ‘Stalking me?‘. Or the less aggressive ‘Oh I’m not on Facebook anymore.‘ If you block them, they’ll never see anything from you on Facebook.

The Friend of a Friend

I don’t pretend to like people just because they are friends with my friend. I always go in with a positive attitude and make a fuss when I’m introduced. ‘Oh you’re Friend of Friend? It’s so nice to meet you finally! Friend talks about you all the time!‘ Even if they aren’t your cup of tea, nine times out of ten you can sit next to them at dinner and not want to fork them in the eye. There are exceptions to every rule though and there are some right arseholes in this world. I once saw a friend of a friend walk up to a 16 year old kid (who he barely knew) at a party and say ‘Get the f*ck out of my chair!‘. I was appalled and voiced my opinion to our mutual friend. She replied ‘Yeah he’s kind of an arsehole but he’s a really good friend of mine.‘ Right. If anyone says that someones appalling behaviour is due to the fact that he or she ‘is just like that‘ then you have every right to ‘just not want to hang out with them‘. To this day, I will not attend an event where I know Agro Chair Guy will be. Also, I lost respect for my friend that day and I rarely see her anymore. Bad behaviour breeds so don’t put yourself near it. Be brave. If someone is a dick, say they’re dick. If they truly are a dick, you’ll find few people who will disagree with you.

Happy break ups!

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