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Smaggle’s Guide to Women for the Modern Man – Blunt Version

Smaggle’s Guide to Women for the Modern Man – Blunt Version
Carly Jacobs

 

These are questions that I’ve heard actual men, ask real live women in the past week. Here are the answers. The blunt ones.

Why do you use so much toilet paper?

We bleed, quite profusely, from our vaginas for five to seven days every month. Think about how many tissues you’d use, if you had a week long blood nose. We also use toilet paper for both wees and poos, which means we use it around five times a day more than you. It’s also not a luxury item so giving your gal beef in the toilet paper aisle at Coles… not so fly.

If you’re on a diet then why are you eating chocolate? Especially seeing as you made me eat tofu for dinner?

We can eat the chocolate BECAUSE we had tofu for dinner. It’s called value for calorie. Knob jockey.

Why are you watching Dirty Dancing again?

Because we are scared okay? We are scared of everything, of what we saw, of what we did, of who we are and most of all we are scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of our whole lives, the way we feel when we are with Patrick Swayze.

You got pregnant on purpose didn’t you?

It’s actually not possible for us to get pregnant on purpose. We can aim for it or try to avoid it but our brains aren’t in charge of our eggos getting preggo. It’s usually a mix of our ovulation cycles and the bumping of unprotected uglies. Interesting fact though – If you never, ever put your penis inside our vaginas we’ll never, ever get pregnant to you. Ever. Just something to think about… (jizz filled turkey basters excluded, obviously).

You just asked me if you look fat and you do. What am I supposed to say?

No. Obviously. Why is this so hard?

Why can’t we try anal sex? You know your g-spot is up there right?

Actually it’s YOUR g-spot that’s up there. Oh and for future reference regarding our g-spot it’s pretty much front and centre. You can’t miss it… unless you’re looking up our bums. Also, we are dead serious about your pleasure zone being up your jacksie. Want to try anal sex now, handsome?

What dumb arse questions have you been asked that you’d like to answer?

Disclaimer 1 – I uncharacteristically went to a pub this week. That’s where most of this was overheard. None of these questions were asked by my man. Except for the Dirty Dancing one.

24 Comments

  1. Laurie J 13 years ago

    Crying with laughter at that last response. A+. 

    • Author
      Smaggle 13 years ago

      Seriously though, true right? Who is feeding these guys that crap?

  2. Steph! 13 years ago

    I <3 this posting so much!

  3. Michelle G 13 years ago

    lol this was an awesome first post to read this morning! x

    • Author
      Smaggle 13 years ago

      Hope I didn’t put you off your cereal. 🙂

  4. Sally 13 years ago

    So very funny…. love it XX

  5. ben 13 years ago

    first highlight – ‘knob jockey’
    second highlight – ‘turkey baster’

  6. Stef 13 years ago

    That anal sex question is just mindboggling.

    When it comes to the question about looking fat, though… personally I always go by the rule “Don’t ask if you’re not prepared for the answer.”  I’m not a big fan of that kind of fishing for compliments and I’d rather my man tells me that dress isn’t flattering than going out in it and people judging the way I look, him included.

  7. Katrina 13 years ago

    Brilliant!

  8. Pip 13 years ago

    Ah the famous anal sex question. I get asked that pretty much every week. I just don’t get it.

    Knob jockey! LOVE IT!

    • Author
      Smaggle 13 years ago

      Boys are so stupid sometimes. 

      I’m bringing back knob jockey into regular circulation. It’s my 2011 goal. 

  9. JessB 13 years ago

    Freaking. Awesome.

    Can you make this a regular ‘thing’ please?!

    • Author
      Smaggle 13 years ago

      Of course! Feel free to suggest any dumb arse questions that I can answer. 

  10. Desert Darling 13 years ago

    HAHAHAHAH!
    Love it!

  11. Jesse 13 years ago

    You are great. My mother actually asks me the first two on a regular basis. She may be secretly smuggling a penis, I dunno.

    • Author
      Smaggle 13 years ago

      My mother does too! Good heavens…

  12. CamelsAndChocolate 13 years ago

    The chocolate-tofu debate is possibly my favorite answer to the inner thinking of a woman, ever. (Although, that said, I tend to go heavy on the chocolate and avoid the tofu entirely!)

    • Author
      Smaggle 13 years ago

      I think that will be my next trick!

  13. HarrietD 13 years ago

    You heard all of these questions at a pub? I call bullshit. 

    • Author
      Smaggle 13 years ago

      *most*

      Toilet paper one was heard in the toilet paper aisle at Coles. As stated. 

      Dirty Dancing was asked by my man. As stated. 

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