What’s the worst Facebook status you’ve ever read?

What’s the worst Facebook status you’ve ever read?

I was reading this article yesterday on Mamamia and it got me thinking about irritating Facebook statuses. I’m very lucky in that most of my Facebook friends are actors, writers and artists or simply bat shit crazy, so it makes for a rather hilarious news feed scan every morning with my cuppa. I do however have a rather healthy obsession with LameBook, which has given me fodder for the 6 Irritating Facebook Status Updater Profiles that I’ve created.

The So Not Subtle Emo Updater

‘OMG. FML!!!!’

‘A true friend stabs you in the front.’

‘<Insert badly transcribed lyrics to Generic Death Metal Band song called Death of Love or Bloody Kisses.>’

The I’m So Fucking Fabulous Updater

‘Awesome job, awesome friends, awesome face, awesome trees, awesome sheets, awesome forks and awesome bricks. I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘Just got a massive promotion. 6 figures. Ladies… line up.’

The ‘Um… Should you be updating your Facebook status right now?’ Updater

‘Holy shit, stuck in traffic, so bored. Massive accident, blood all over the road. Thank god for Facebook, or I’d fall asleep at the wheel!’

‘In a work meeting and the chairperson looks like the love child of Larry David and a boa constrictor.’

‘I do!!!! I’m officially Mrs Jane John Smith! As of thirty seconds ago!!!!!’
(Jane Brown changed her relationship status to married)

The Please Send a Private Message Updater

‘Dear Honey Bear Jizz Wizard. I <3 you so much. My life has never been more perfect since we met at the Uni Bar three weeks ago. You are my everything. Chocolate starfish and ladybug kisses forever. <3 from Slurpy Pink Flaps.’

The Everything on Facebook is True Updater

‘ZUCKERBERG IS TRYING TO STEAL YOUR CHEESE! Have you noticed adverts in the sidebar of Facebook? They are actually cameras that can see into your home and scan for dairy produce. Cut and paste this into your status to stop the evil Zuckerburg from macking on your cheddar.’

‘Facebook is going to kill your mother. Go to ‘settings’, then ‘options’, then ‘other’, then ‘profile’, then click on ‘self destruct’. Then eat a piece of liquorice at midnight, bury a lock of your hair in the garden and dance naked in the moonlight. Copy and paste to your own status to protect the woman who gave you life.’

The Have You Ever Read Anything Ever? Updater

‘Definately need meat a hot chik soon. LOLZ, i mean maybes 2 hot chiks. ;_)’

‘i single agin… oh wellz. plenty moar fish in da sea! lols’

‘never nos the diff btwn Kourtney and Kloe? Witch is witch?’

My question for the day?

What is the worst status update you’ve ever read? Go!

Also feel free to create any Updater profiles that I might have missed.

Also, watch this.

And read this.

AND LIKE MAH STATUS IF YOU LIKE MAH STATUS!!!!!

Carly is the founding editor of Smaggle which launched in 2007 back when blogging was weird. She has appeared in The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, Cosmopolitan and Cleo magazines. Hoop earrings are totally her thing and she almost got run over by Myf Warhurst while out jogging one day.

42 Comments

  1. Nikki Parkinson 3 years ago

    There is one in my feed who does long updates using only text speak. Gr8ful 2 c it. Not!

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      I have relatives that do that. I’m concerned about their university entrance exams. 

  2. Kristie 3 years ago

    My cousin’s FB statuses drive me nuts! He sounds 1000% illiterate. This from today: “im GOOOOOOOD IM JUST GNA DO ME GIRLS R MAD FAKE.” I just want to say, “Well, alright. You’re just going to do you. What do you mean by that, Steve? It’s just so deep!” Hahah. Then he threatens to kill his ex girlfriend’s current boyfriend. I wish I could unfriend him, but alas, my dad would be pissed. Hahah.

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      Ha! I would freaking love that. I actually purposefully stalk someone who does that because it’s so freaking funny. 

  3. workingwomenaus 3 years ago

    I can’t stand cryptic status updates:

    “Only 85 days to go…”
    “People shouldn’t comment on things they don’t really understand”
    “You know who you are, leave me alone”

    They drive me batty!

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      Oh shit yes! 

      ‘Today is the day’

      People just begging to have someone ask about it. Grrrr!

    • Callie @ infinitemonkey.co.nz 3 years ago

      Absolutely. I have one FB friend who has a serial addiction for cryptic statuses. Often they seem to be aimed at someone who’s annoyed her that day, which makes it all the worse…

  4. Wendy Brandes 3 years ago

    I always wonder if the people who post complaints about their jobs ever get fired…

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      Isn’t that called being ‘dooced’? Like what happened to Dooce? Although hers was on a blog. 

    • Harlow 3 years ago

      Some come close to being fired! One of my FB friends is my highschool drama teacher and she posted a status about having a bad day (giving no specific details at all, not even being nasty) and got threatened with dismissal :(

      • Author
        Smaggle 3 years ago

        You’re joking? Is her profile at least private? I think that’s where people come undone. 

  5. Helen Perris 3 years ago

    I had a facebook friend whose statuses were always these horrible racists diatribes including a proclamation of how they weren’t racist, they were just telling it how it was. Unfriended.

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      Or those repost ones about boat people being better off than our minimum wage earners or Muslims not accepting our customs and the person reposting has no idea what they are talking about. 

  6. Ladybecksta 3 years ago

    You forgot the Overenthusiastic parent… providing incessant details about their baby’s bowel movement/child’s ripped ballet tights/doctor’s appointments and personal medical details. Never mind about children damaging their own digital reputation in their teen years, some mothers are doing it for them from birth…. Irritates me no end that their children have no privacy becasue they are obsessive Facebookers

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      I do not understand when parents post about their kids vomiting/weeing/pooing. Unless it was in the middle of a supermarket, on someone’s face or on someone important, I don’t want to know about it. 

      Funny bodily functions only please. 

    • Shawna G 3 years ago

      I am with you on this one… i really don’t need to know about your baby’s projectile vomit and explosive diarrhea at the same time. Especially since I don’t want kids… this isn’t helping to change my mind! lol. 

  7. 5keylimepies 3 years ago

    I don’t know about worst particular status, but my brother’s girlfriend’s page is a landmine. My family doesn’t get along well with her, and she loves to advertise this, by talking about the latest incident with the “[our last name] fiasco,” or wondering “how many more tears [we’ll] make her cry.” She also posted a status saying how excited she was that my brother was moving in with her… Before my brother had told my mom he was moving out! Her statuses are always so juvenile, so we really had a laugh one day when she posted that she wished she and my brother could “just fly away to Never-never Land.” Already there, sweetheart!

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      I had the opposite problem. One of my friends ex girlfriends thought everyone one of my status updates was about her and would pick fights with him over it. Not one was ever about her. Ever. Some people really think they are more important than they actually are. 

  8. Dr Na 3 years ago

    Isn’t everyone, if they’re a dedicated FB user, occasionally guilty of doing these things? I’d like to exempt myself because I adore being holier-than-thou, but I just read through my status updates and at least one fits the bill for these things.

    oh, fine. I’ll stop updating. :)

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      I read through mine before publishing this and it turns out that I don’t update status unless I’m pimping a post. Which is probably worse than all the ones I mentioned. ;-)

  9. Shawna G 3 years ago

    i also hate statues where pEoPleTyPeLiKeThIs. WHY?!

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      It is SO MUCH MORE EFFORT TO DO THAT!

  10. Harlow 3 years ago

    Seriously, reading this has just made me want to delete half of the people of my facebook even more than usual.
    The only time I ever have deleted someone on FB from my friends list was actually because of her FB statuses. They were just SO immature and annoying (dumb statuses about something like her dad farting, and equally stupid things) that I just got to the point where I wanted to slap her. It’s really awkward now if I see her out from time to time, but much better than reading her statuses!

    Other people that annoy me are those that list their uni grades for the semester on their statuses – I don’t care about your perfect grades, you are being an asshole.
    Then of course there is the WOE IS ME status poster, I think everyone has one of those on their friends list. My partners cousin’s statuses are always so full of self pity about the most banal things (oh boyfriend of two weeks dumped me :'( :'( ) though I can’t exactly delete family off FB haha, too awkward!

    The worst one though is this girl I now really hate who is 20 and lives off mummy and daddy’s credit card (as in, everytime she wants to go shopping, she takes both of her parents credit cards, she needs both just incase she maxes out the first!). This spoiled brat is constantly bombarding my feed with photos of  the presents that she buys herself every day with her parents money (think Viviene Westwood, Peter Alexander, ect) and on Birthdays and Christmas’s always takes photos of the piles of presents she undeservingly recieves. It’s sickening.

    Overall though, I kind of feel like deleting half of my FB friends now :P

  11. Anonymous 3 years ago

    The worst are racist diatribes. Some moron I went to school with posted this ridiculous anti-Semitic video about Israel and justified it with ‘I have heaps of Jewish friends and if you had an open mind you’d realise this is about the dirty Zionists not the Jews’. And then wrote that Jews control the World Bank blah blah blah. Basically, an ignorant moron who uses political ideology to mask racism. Ugh. 

  12. Simon Busteed 3 years ago

    I’m a serial unfriender, so i don’t deal with a lot of awful statuses; if you’re boring or tedious or emo, i’m probably going to unfriend you. i can’t be bothered with that stuff; maybe that makes me a bad person, but whatever.

    having said that, the worst status updates i’ve seen weren’t anything like that. they were from a friend who had just lost a baby during childbirth, and for a couple of weeks, that’s all they posted about. it was FULL ON, all the more so because i view facebook as entertaining fluff for the most part.

  13. Sarah 3 years ago

    First I was in stitches about the updaters – especially the True updaters!

    Then I was in hysterics over the video.

    Then I was in a world of “snap!” with all the comments!!

    My biggest peeve is the negative status updates – people  whining and moaning about things, saying how life sucks, blah blah blah. I’ve deleted people for that. I want my world to be positive – I don’t need that shit in it.

    I hate the text speak too – if you speak in text speak, I will assume you are an idiot an not worth my time. I’ve declined a date with a guy based on this alone.

    I’m totally updating my status to one of those true updates now though. I hope you come by and like it!

  14. Sarah Rooftops 3 years ago

    My stepsister posted on Facebook this week that my dad was going to be dead by Christmas. It wasn’t even true. He has a trapped nerve – no big deal. I was not best pleased to read her status and even less so when I found out she was making crap up to get pity and attention from her friends. WTF?!

  15. betty 3 years ago

    I have a ‘friend’ on facebook who is pregnant, and the other day her status was something like ‘imma go crazy if i dont get a ciggie real soon!!!!’

    then underneath it, it has that baby countdown app saying ‘im 38 weeks pregnant :)’

    gross!!!

  16. Gembalina 3 years ago

    those stupid status updates like “pink” or “on the kitchen table” that are followed by private messages say something like “HEY GIRLS, post your bra colour or where you leave you handbag or as your facebook status to support breast cancer and really leave the guys guessing! OMG IT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN!! BAAA YOU ARE A SHEEP!!! ETCetc etc” ugh, I de-friend idiots who post those.

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      Yeah they piss me off too. I also hate the change your profile to a toy to raise awareness for child abuse. Not money. Awareness. 

  17. Penny 3 years ago

    The worst, and yet somehow best, status update I ever saw was on twitter rather than FB. Friend (now ex-friend) took time to tell the world the following: 
    ‘Just waiting for the sheets to finish in the washing machine’. 
    I love this tweet. So inane it’s amazing.

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      Ha! Find something better to do than update while you wait. 

  18. Sarah Wayte 3 years ago

    I love it! And thanks for introducing me to The Oatmeal – hilarious! 

    • Author
      Smaggle 3 years ago

      The Oatmeal will change your life. It’s awesome. 

  19. Callie @ infinitemonkey.co.nz 3 years ago

    I definitely find myself exasperated at times by a couple of FB friends who only ever post a status if it’s the kind that ends in “repost this if you strongly agree that domestic violence/cervical cancer/insert-cause-here shouldn’t be tolerated”.  I agree, no one should have to tolerate violence or suffer a life threatening illness, but will my reposting of these messages reduce cancer rates? I don’t think so… And I don’t appreciate the ‘repost this or else’ guilt trip!

    Another that annoys me (you have me on a roll now) is the kind that start like this:
    THE HILLBILLY HOE-DOWN: DO NOT CHEAT! Use the first 8 friends on your profile page:
    Person driving up on the lawnmower: *Random fb friend #1
    Person who wrestles a pig: *Random fb friend #2
    (etc…)I don’t get the point?? And I especially don’t get the point when 8 mutual friends are all rotating the same one (or variances of) so that my home page feed is flooded with it!! *facepalm*

  20. alexricia 3 years ago

    All status’ that begin with “I’m not racist but…” and also blocked someone once for posting a status about her colonoscopy. No thanks, no no no.

  21. samslove 2 years ago

    so i have a fb friend who always thinks,”oh i will never change cuz im myself n thats who i am n im proud to be that,” yet ton of others(including me) find her to be a bitch, whore, annoying asshole, and selfish girl. seriously. always tlking to othr girls bfs n always putting up pity statuses ,”OH IM ALWAYS so nice to others n care bout others yet i never think bout myself :(((” or , “why am i always getting hurt…” or”no one understands….” the heck maybe cuz no1 cares. 

    ALSO another hecka annoying guy who is always typing up things n blasting others when it shuld b personal like “IMMA beet ur bf up if he keeps tlking trash bout me! u niggahs think u r all good…blah blah” and he’s always stereotyping bout girls n thinks hes rite such as,” all girls are the same n weak…” or really really dumb things like,”ice is heavy, but really think bout it, can it still flaot…” WTFFF. go back to school. once he put up a hecka emo status n raging n my bf just commented “r u ok?” n started cussing my bf out and everyone else commenting n months later “deleted” those comments so he dont look bad n leaving all the nice one from girls he likes.

  22. SamanthaVL 2 years ago

    Worst FB status I’ve ever read: ‘I heard that new Batman movie is to die for.’

  23. FilmStudent90 2 years ago

    Zach Booher was a friend of mine from high school. We were in marching band together — and in the same section too. He died in a car accident in Wisconsin — the rear tire blew out, and the car rolled over. Another friend of mine posted a status saying “RIP Zach Booher,” and that was how I found out.

    That was the worst Facebook status I ever read.

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