I’m extremely anal-retentive (pardon the pun) when it comes to doing number twos in a public toilet. I can cope with number ones but only if everything looks clean and I haven’t just come from the gym. Hovering is a bitch when you’ve just done 4 sets of 20 bottom-half squats. I really try my hardest to never let the boat out of Vegemite Valley unless I’m in the comfort of my own home. However if I’m really touching cotton and the situation is getting desperate, here’s my Public Toilet Pooing Guide for those of you who need a little…erm… assistance.
Choose your moment
There’s no freaking way I’m polluting the pond if there are other people around to smell it or hear it. I’ll clamp up like a Venus fly trap if someone interrupts me. If you’re the same, don’t do poos at lunch time, the traffic is heinous. Early mornings are good if you work in an office and just after lunch will also provide a sweet spot of solitude. Try to sniff out a secret toilet that no one knows about or one that’s out of the way. It’s totally worth the walk for a private moment.
Use your digits wisely
Have you ever seen one of those shows where they spray the radioactive gunk all over the public bathroom and it’s swimming with parasitic amoebas and germs that actually move? This is why you need to embrace the use of the little finger. I try not to touch anything in the toilet at all. So I use my little finger for any in-toilet engineering that may be required. Lifting the toilet lid? Simply flick it up with your little finger. Scared of door handle germs? Spin the lock with your little finger. Lets not get too handsy with the germs in the toilet okay? Oh and wash your hands, concentrating on your littlest friend.
Splash back prevention
Let’s just get this straight. I’m always completely disgusted by splash back. It’s made marginally less gross if it’s water from my own toilet or the toilet of a particularly clean friend. Public toilet splash back? There’s scarcely enough disinfectant in the world to deal with germs on that scale. Prevent the need for a bleach bath with this splash back prevention tip. Bunch up some toilet paper and put it in the toilet BEFORE you drop the scone. Think of it as a nest. You’re welcome.
The Courtesy Flush
This tip for those of you who can actually follow through after someone has interrupted your privacy. The second I hear that door swing open, it’s all over for me. I’m closed for business. If you aren’t as rectally challenged as I am though you can employ the Courtesy Flush. The second you’ve finished launching the torpedo give the toilet a quick flush. Even before you wipe. The stink gets worse the longer it stews. Don’t give it a chance to get too comfortable. Flush that kranski down. Do be aware of flush splash though, best to hover while employing the Courtesy Flush.
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Do you have issues with number twos in public toilets? Or do you employ any bizarre bathroom rituals?
47 Comments
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I hate public toilets and can never, EVER, do a number 2 in public. Not at friends houses either.
EVER.
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Me too
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Bwahahahahaha…………
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Lady, I’m so damn impressed with your range of pooping euphemisms.
I try to avoid doing it whenever possible.
My pet peeve with poopers in public toilets is when you unwittingly walk into a cubicle so freshly defiled that the air is still warm with the stench – you take a quick 10 second piss and stride out, and some other woman strides right in there, and you just know she’s going to blame you for it!
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I dug deep for those euphemisms baby!
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Hilarious! Also, always flush with the lid down. It’s there for a reason!!
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Agreed, I saw a slow-motion visual of the water spray reach that an unlidded toilet
has. I feel like there are people everywhere that, unknowingly, have fecal matter covered toothbrushes because of it *shudder*-
Fecal matter! Blergh!
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Ew! i know! I saw a weird doco on that once. No ones tooth brush is safe!
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I agree with Chantelle, although doing it at a friends house is way worse than doing it at work IMHO.
I have never laughed so hard though – so many euphemisms!
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Agreed. Pooping in public bathrooms doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but pooping at a friends house? Mortifying.
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Oh no you so just ruined Vegemite!!! Bad Smaggle, BAD!!!
I live in a share house sort of arrangement where it is sometimes up to 8 people to one toilet. It is awful beyond words. When I first moved in I genuinly developed an anxiety about going to the bathroom because there were so many people and someone would ALWAYS knock. I actually preffered public toilets it was so bad. The worst thing though, some of the people living here don’t always close the door when they are pooping. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE HORROR? And it’s not the men either, it’s the WOMEN. So now I have not only an anxiety about going to the bathroom, going anywhere near the bathroom is even scarier. UGHHHHH.
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Sorry for ruining vegemite. 🙂
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I have huge anxiety about going away with friends or to friends places because of this very issue – the poop-shyness!!!! It is then that I employ the public toilet poop escape if at all possible! I love your frankness & that you can write about something that freaks me out so bad because now I don’t feel so alone!! Haha!
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Good! Glad I could help! 🙂
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Oh my god – NO pooing in public toilets, EVER! I won’t even do a poo at work unless it’s an urgent food poisoning kind of situation. I know that I am in the minority with this position though, given some of the revolting dregs I see in the ladies loos at my place of employment. These people clearly save up their most disgusting plops to do at work so that the poor cleaning ladies have to deal with the fall out.
I don’t even like weeing in public toilets. In fact, I hated it so much as a kid that I refused to wee at petrol stations on the road from Adelaide to Melbourne, which we drove quite regularly, and could soon go the whole way without one wee. I still have a bladder of steel and can almost always wait until I get home to do a wee.I don’t like to think of this as anal retentive, there’s just a clear benefit in having home toilet advantage. It will reliably have toilet paper and is guaranteed to flush. And relaxation is, for me, critical to a happy and successful pooing story.
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They “save up their most disgusting plops” HAHAHAHAHHA! Oh man, a woman at my work does this. It’s terrible.
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Where are the brushes in Public loos for God’s sake,to use when one has an explosion.
….Or have hedgehogs on a length of string..chuck in in the bowl,the next visitor can haul it out when its done its little task!!Malcolm
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I’d LOVE brushes in public toilets.
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Absolutely. I NEED to be clear in my mind.
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Me! I do! I do!
Maybe I’m disgusting, but it is what it is. I work with kids, so nothing poop-related scares me.
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Good on you!
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I do. When you gotta go, you gotta go. It physically hurts me to hold it in. (although I did suffer a bit in the early days of my relationship lol!). I will NOT leave evidence behind if at all possible. If I’m at a friends and there is a toilet brush I will do a quickie scrub if necessary. Toilet lid closed, padding the landing with tb. I can’t help my bodily functions but I try and minimize the aftermath as much as possible, lol!
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I envy you. I WANT to but my body says no.
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I detest having to go anywhere but at home. But when I moved in with my boyfriend I actually preferred to hold it in until work! It was good because I begun bartending in the sports bar and mostly gruff old guys hung out there so the females was barely used, yay! Only problem was asking another worker to come cover the bar while I went.
I lived at the bf’s place for six months before I used his toilet for number 2s. :]-
No offence, but that’s pathetic.
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No offence, but I think you need a hug.
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Oh that’s adorable!
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hehe, you makin’ me giggle. Yes, I do but I take precautions. The only thing that phases me is witnesses.
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All I need to hear a door open and I’m done. There’s no movement.
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I laughed so hard at this! I have IBS and I’m lactose intolerant so when you gotta go, you go! I did have stage fright but now I have no choice. I HATE touching anything in a public bathroom and I am so feeling you about the splash back *gag* Always line the seat with toilet paper, use toilet paper to lift the lid and ALWAYS put the lid down when flushing. Thanks for the laugh Lady!
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Whoa! Actually when I’m sick, all bets are off!
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I honestly don’t worry. That’s what toilets are for, chances are any fellow stall monkeys are just as embarrassed as you are.
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I totally agree but my brain is not in charge! There’s something deepy spiritual that won’t let me!
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I’m the complete opposite! I’d much rather go in a public toilet where once it’s gone it’s not my problem, rather than have it coursing through my own plumbing at home, making a mess!!!
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HA!
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Just so you know, it’s people like you that are the reason public toilets have pee on the seats. Hovering equals worse aim.
Also, what are you scared of? That your butt will get butt germs on it? What else are you using it for?
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As if I would leave pee on the seat! I’m not an animal. And what do you care if I hover as long as I don’t leave a mess?
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I simply can’t. I’m so anal (heh) I can barely do one if my husband is home – in my OWN toilet!.
But not anywhere else. I struggle on holidays too. Even when it’s just us and we’re staying in a self contained unit. Still don’t want to.
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I find holidays hard unless I have my own hotel room!
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This is me too, if I’m on holiday I’m so bloated by the end of the week. If my boyfriends at home I end up spending ages in there trying and end up a little grape sized bit if I’m lucky
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OMG! Hilarious post. And from someone who ponders on these things ALOT, this is just perfect! x
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I think you are way way too afraid of your bodily functions. Seriously. End the hover.
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Okay so I used to have this really wacked up SUPER SLOWWWWW digestive system, so, well… if things aren’t chugging along super fast, and they’re quite the opposite… well you get the drift. I was constantly dealing with bloating and the big consti-you-know-whatsit, until I worked with my naturopath and got it all back on track. I am now so happy with my regularity that I can honestly say I will go anywhere – if I gotta go, I gotta go – i’m not heading back down the path of blocked-up-ness. I feel healthier because of it! HOWEVER! When i’m on holidays, I always end up blocked up and I feel like a big bloated ball of a hot air! So weird! More than happy to do it in a public toilet, but cram me in a hotel room with just one other person and I just feel like everytime I go into the toilet my boyfriend is staring at the door, lasering his sight through the barrier that is the door and is thinking “I can seeeee you, I know you’re poooooooping, ew GROSS.”. I feel like he’d be disgusted in me, which I know he isn’t….but still. Weird?
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You’re a master of the brown town battle plan! This was great!
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Poo is poo. Saying that, I don’t like guests making a stinker in my bathroom. If you have to go in public, cover the toilet seat with your toilet paper from home. It’s best to look around all the stalls and see which one seems the least dogiest. Due to studies- apparently the one nearest the door is the cleanest because it has the least people go in that. Don’t bet on it though. 😀
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[…] in case you missed it wrote a guide on How to Do Number Twos in A Public Toilet. There’s some solid advice in there and many, many pooping […]
[…] in case you missed it wrote a guide on How to Do Number Twos in A Public Toilet. There’s some solid advice in there and many, many pooping […]
