Has everyone seen the new ads out for the springfree trampoline? Where the sad, wounded kids shuffle off towards an old fashioned trampoline that looks like this one?
Then the dad stops them because it’s ‘not safe’. Well obviously dickhead, they have broken limbs. Then they get a springfree trampoline that looks like this…
…and it’s fine holiday fun for all.
The thing with the springfree trampolines is that you can’t do any of the proper trampoline fun things on it. The new safety features aren’t for safety. They’re for fun stopping.
For example you can’t…
* Jump from the roof of your house on to the trampoline and ricochet straight off and on to the ground.
* Jump from the trampoline and into a pool/spa/mattress/pile of leaves. None of which are terribly effective at breaking any kind of fall.
* Rip your brother’s favourite shorts on a spring and there by owing him one thing of yours that he can break to pay you back.
* Jump from the trampoline to the ground, land on your feet and get that heinous shooting pain up your legs and back.
* Pass out drunk on it. I’m not convinced I know how to get inside it sober. I’m thinking I won’t have much luck with 3/4 of a bottle of vodka in me.
* Render yourself infertile after landing junk first, with your legs on either side of a spring.
* Convince the kid next door that you can fly. I’m pretty sure the super cool safety net will give the game away on this one.
* Getting your soft, baby skin stuck in a spring and screaming to high heaven because your butt hole of a brother won’t stop jumping long enough for you to escape.
* Have water fights on it. It’s not really a fair fight if someone is stuck in a cage and can’t pelt around the back of the house and hide.
* Have sex on it. I mean I guess you could… but that would be weird. Like having sex in a ball pit or something.
I have permanent scars and permanent memories from years of trampoline use, memories and scars that wouldn’t have been formed had springfree trampolines been the norm when I was a kid. It makes me feel sad that kids these days won’t experience the sheer terror of when you over shoot your forward flip and crack your head on the un-padded metal bar. Or get their skin caught in the spring and having no choice but to pull it out really quickly and make it bleed.
Tell me… do you have any awesome trampoline memories? Also, and more importantly… have you ever had sex on a trampoline? I’m dying to know.
12 Comments
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We used to leap from the trampoline to the clothesline and see if we could get enough momentum on the clothesline to swing back to the trampoline. And if we could do it all without Mum busting us and screaming ‘GET OFF THAT BLOODY CLOTHESLINE BEFORE YOU BREAK IT!’. And in summer we’d set up the sprinkler beneath the trampoline so it was all slippery – double bouncing was particularly nasty when the trampoline was wet! Our dog used to get up and bounce with us too.
At some point one of us left one of those low deckchairs under the trampoline, which unfortunately our neighbour didn’t notice when she snuck into the yard to use it (she routinely did this … no idea why she couldn’t have knocked on our door and asked us to join her?), and we all heard the howls as she went up and then came down arse first on the corner of the deckchair. It ripped the trampoline, just an inch, but the rip got progressively longer as we continued to use it (the hilarity of jumping and first a foot going through the rip … then a leg … then one day my sister went straight through). After that we just set the trampoline on its side and would run at it and body slam it. Or we’d just use it as a cubby house.
When I think of all the things we used to do on that trampoline – and the many injuries we suffered – I can’t believe my mother’s primary concern was that we’d break the clothesline!
But there was never any sex on the trampoline – we destroyed it long before that was even a thought.
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We used to drag the trampoline down onto our pontoon and leap off into the canal! Good clean fun, until we got old enough to get drunk, then it was a little dicey!!!
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But the spring free is awesome for dodge ball – my 7 yr old loves it, he and his mates pile in there with about 8 balls and hurl them at each other. If you tried that on a regular tramp you’d be off fetching the ball every 3 seconds.
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We used to tip our tramp on its side… then RUN across the whole yard… jump and grab the top bar of tramp at full speed and the tramp would fall back onto its feet (well you know) and you would be holding on for dear life then would bounce as the tramp hit the ground… Best fun EVER.
Plus being bounced off by bigger kid, hitting group and being horrible winded and not able to breathe right for a minute.
I do love a good tramp.
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We were never allowed to have a trampoline because my aunt once fractured her skull on one. Luckily, my best friend had one so I would spend hours at her house bouncing around and then lying to my mother about how I got all the tramp-related injuries. The best one was when I did a forward-flip and kneed myself in the face, causing a blood nose and a loose tooth. Man, that was awesome.
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Ok two main stories stand out in my mind….
1. I was jumping in my friends trampoline to be bitten on my bum by her dog, needless to say I could hardly sit down for about a week afterwards
2. My friend had her trampoline under her carport. I was in the middle of a great routine of jumping up and touching the roof when my knee hit my chin and my two front teeth bit right through my tongue. Needless to say there was blood everywhere. I can recall going to my girlfriends back door where her family was sitting and opening my mouth and filling my hands with a huge mouthful of blood.
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Sorry I got cut off..
Needless to say if my teeth had been any bigger the tip of my tongue would have fallen off it was barely hanging on by a thread in either side
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This is EXACTLY what I’ve been saying every time I see those ads! Even just the getting up onto the old school tramps without getting your tiny fingers jammed in the springs was like a rite of passage…or at least a learning adventure that is all part of being a kid.
What will kids today have going for them if they aren’t challenged to master the death trap and survive? I’m worried for the next generation…
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Sadly no I haven’t had sex on a trampoline. A friend of mine did once, I didnt ask for the juicy details, in hindsight I should have.
I think I ticked off most of the other things on the list though. -
Would ball pit sex be so bad? I mean, the static might be annoying, but otherwise, I think it would be a unique experience.
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sex on a trampoline is really fun and feels really good too i might add. and i have i sex in a ball pit as well, that almost felt even better( i had it with a different man) i had it twice in a ball pit and it was really fun and felt amazing! but when i had it on the trampoline the guy i had it with was like what the fuck when i got of and then i went bake for more and we ended up all night on the trampoline having sex… but of course he was wearing a condom so i didnt get pregnant ya me i hope to do it again soon!!
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My daughter’s managed to rip three teeth out of her mouth (on two separate occasions) on springfree tramp!
