5 Entertaining Ways To Clean Your House And Fool Your Friends Into Thinking You Aren’t A Filthy Pig.

5 Entertaining Ways To Clean Your House And Fool Your Friends Into Thinking You Aren’t A Filthy Pig.

I’m going to be honest. I have a very Type A personality so although I don’t necessarily love cleaning, I do enjoy it in a sick, perfectionist kind of way. I get off on the smell of cleaning products and seeing those lines on the floor that the vacuum cleaner makes. If the vacuum cleaner lines are all facing in the same direction… well… let’s just say Mr Smaggle is going to get SUPER lucky when he gets home. Shagging in a spotless house is my favourite. I digress…

Even though I get more excited about cleaning than the average person, that doesn’t mean I want it to take all day. I mean come on. I have YouTubing to do. Here’s a few shortcuts I take when it comes to cleaning the old digs…

Sex and The City Marathon Ironing

Pour youself a glass of wine (keep the bottle super close, it’s going to be a long night), set up the ironing board in front of the TV and play back to back episodes of Sex and The City. I like season one because Carrie’s eyebrows are ridiculous. Alcohol and SJP are masters of time suckage so combine that with something horrible like ironing and you’re sweet baby. You’re welcome.

Drunken Nude Bathroom Cleaning

I’ve only ever done this once but it was surprsingly effective. I’d downed almost an entire bottle of red wine to myself at my mate’s place and then I stumbled home to go to bed. Once I got there I freaked out because I was far too drunk to go to bed and I needed to do something to sober up and avoid the bed spins. You know, because 15 minutes of pointless busy work is a super effective way of metabolising a litre of alcohol. Drunk Carly is an idiot. So I started doing a quick clean of the bathroom sink and before I knew it Mr Smaggle was sleepily opening the door half an hour later to find me naked in the shower wearing rubber gloves and furiously scrubbing at the grout.  If you think that more than six standard drinks would affect my ability to clean the bathroom properly, think again my friend. I’m even more of a neurotic pain in the ass when I’m drunk. And I was wasted so I totally forgot I even did it and woke up the next morning to a sparkling bathroom. Bonza. Get drunk and clean your bathroom. It’s awesome.

Basketball Drawer Toss

Throwing things out is so much more fun if you really throw thing out. So if I’m cleaning out a desk drawer I’m not going to be a grandma and bring the bin over to the drawer and throw things out in an orderly fashion. I’m going to leave the bin where it is and just peg rubbish in its general direction and give myself high fives and yell ‘HUZAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!’ whenever I actually get anything in there. You should try this. It’s super satisfying and I’m sure it burns heaps of calories.

Floor Wipe Skating

I’m about to tell you a huge, giant and shamefull secret. I don’t own a mop. Bad Virgo. I do still love to have a clean kitchen floor though so instead of mopping I get two of those floor cleaning wipes, lay them on the floor, put one foot on each of the wipes and skate that grime away! Sometimes I even put on Russian ice dancing music and pretend like I’m at the Olympics. If you want a truly authentic experience you could put spangles in your hair and give yourself a front ways wedgie. No one would judge you.

The Deceptive Clean

This is the one that I do if people are coming over and I don’t have time to do the type of clean that would make Mama Smaggle proud. Throw all your shoes and crap into the bottom of a cupboard. Dim the lights. Fire up a bunch of candles, preferably scented ones. Squirt a little toilet cleaner in the toilet and give it a quick scrub. Play ambient music and give your guest a drink the moment they walk in the door. Everyone I know thinks my house is consistently spotless but it’s usually just dark and smells nice and they’re drunk. Works. Every. Time.

Any dirty house cleaning secrets you’d like to share?

P.S How rad is my feature image? MJ and Paul Mac washing dishes. How did this even happen?

Carly is the founding editor of Smaggle which launched in 2007 back when blogging was weird. She has appeared in The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, Cosmopolitan and Cleo magazines. Hoop earrings are totally her thing and she almost got run over by Myf Warhurst while out jogging one day.

30 Comments

  1. Alisa Muir 4 years ago

    Love all these ideas. Must try some of them.

    I have just finished season two of Sex and the city.. it was time for a rewatch. The older series are sooo funny. Love.

    My quick clean before people come over consists of me grabbing an empty washing basket. Rushing around throwing things in it., stashing it in a cupboard.. Wiping down the bench and hoping for the best… lol

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      Serioulsy the skating around on floor wipes is so fun.

      • Steph Allen 3 years ago

        You can get these really scary looking slippers that have mop-style Shag on the bottom so you can ‘clean while you walk’ according to the blurb in those avon-style useless house crap mags that get dropped at ur front door. Hilarious!

  2. Nessbow 4 years ago

    I CAN’T do the dishes without music playing. Singing obnoxiously along to the music also helps.

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      I’ve been taking our Jambox into the shower and doing that! Loving it.

  3. Shannon Kate 4 years ago

    Do you think scented candles and low light will get me through the rent inspection I have on Thursday?? Great post love, I laughed so much at your deceptive clean!

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      YES! Absolutely. And get the inspector drunk… and try to pash him!

  4. Drunk Carly is not an idiot. She is a hoot. x

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      Ha! You’ve certainly spent enough time with her. 🙂

  5. JessB 4 years ago

    The feature image is so cool! I am amazed that this situation ever happened and that it was captured by someone on camera – maybe Linda McCartney? I am also much more inspired to roll up my sleeve and tackle my massive pile of washing up when I get home.

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      I know! I suspect it had something to do with The Girl Is Mine that song they sang together.

  6. Susan Brown 4 years ago

    LOVE your cleaning tips! This had me rolling around laughing so am off to the bottle shop for a bottle of red – thought as I am rolling around anyway I may as well have some wine in me and roll around authentically.

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      Thanks love! Gotta love a red drinker… they’re the real drinkers.

  7. Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella 4 years ago

    You are ADORABLE! And oh my god where did you get that picture from? I mean seriously, I did a double take when I saw that it was MJ and PM doing the dishes!! 😮

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      I just randomly found it on Pinterest! I assume it’s from when they did The Girl Is Mine?I couldn’t not use it.

      And YOU my friend are the adorable one. Just finished your book so next time we see each other I’m going to hug you four times and we’re going to talk about duck and Birkins.

      x

  8. Erika 4 years ago

    Guilty secret number 5743698 – one does not mop the floor (whole house has bamboo, except for the wet areas, which are tiled). One mops only the gritty bits such as the main work area in the kitchen, mud spouse has brought in from the shed, dog slobber or remnants of apple eating by said dogs.
    Oh, okay, I do mop properly every month, whether it needs it or not….

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      I never mop unless it needs it. Obviously because I don’t own a mop! 🙂 All over the spot clean though.

  9. Melissa Frisbie 4 years ago

    I feel like I need to find Russian ice dancing music now…is that a playlist on Spotify?

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      Surely… Mr Smags has music synesthesia so he ‘sees’ music rather than hears it so he likes music with no lyrics because he can see it better so we’ve got heaps of interesting European stuff. The Russian stuff is hilarious to dance to though.

  10. Fi @ My Mummy Daze 4 years ago

    Haha love your style Carly! I’ve never felt so motivated to clean before. Although it does sounds like a bottle of wine features heavily in each of these methods! I’m cool with that though. Sounds fun 😉 Fi x

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      Obviously! Wine features heavily EVERYWHERE IN MY LIFE!!!!

  11. GoddessMel 4 years ago

    ‘Everyone I know thinks my house is consistently spotless but it’s usually just dark and smells nice and they’re drunk.’
    I do this too. Totally works 😉

  12. Gem 4 years ago

    I bought a pair of slipper things similar to these at a market in malaysia for $2. Money well spent, boyfriend thinks sweeping our wooden floors is EXCELLENT now. http://www.crazysales.com.au/cleaning-sandal-mop-green-cs02t.html?utm_campaign=Mops,%20Brooms&utm_term=CS02T&utm_source=google&utm_medium=GPS&aid=27&CAWELAID=1178813682&gclid=CI6Ji8mk1rcCFYZZpgodYn8AcQ

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      Um… greatest invention EVER!

  13. Mel Mc 4 years ago

    I have always had a mop, but not a mop bucket…I boil the kettle, grab the bottle of floor cleaner and tip a bit of each in several places around the area to be mopped – simple!

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      Far out. I freaking love that.

  14. Tasj 4 years ago

    This has to be the most awesome post you’ve ever, ever done. More articles on how to survive the horrible tasks involved with ‘being an adult’ , please Carly!!! x Tasj

    • Author
      Smaggle 4 years ago

      I’m on it. INSPIRATION COME GET ME!!!

  15. Renee Wilson 4 years ago

    Lol. I have cleaned drunk too! We moved into a disgustingly mouldy flat in the UK. I poured myself a vodka and got stuck in. After a while I ditched the rubber gloves, coz I was drunk and all. This was a really bad move because I was using hard core chemicals. That evening my partner came home to one drunk me with red raw hands.

Pingbacks

  1. […] get something I hate as my chore (cleaning the toilet). I have really tried to be more like my girl Smaggle, who manages to make cleaning sound like an awesome party game, but some days I just can’t enjoy […]

Leave a Reply

curly hair
I Straightened My Super Curly Hair… And I Won’t Be Doing It Again.

When I was a kid I had super thick, slightly wavy hair like Brenda on 90210. Then when I was...

Close