5 Massive Life Myths I Learned From American Television.by Carly Jacobs
Teenagers are incapable of drinking alcohol without ending up in a stranger’s bed/a police station/a hospital.
I drank all the tequila when I was sixteen and woke up with nothing more than a dry mouth and a hangover. Obviously it’s not terribly responsible to spruik uneventful and casual underage drinking but the way the US television studios depict teens breaking into their parents booze cabinets and going on massive benders where they lose their virginity, poison the next door neighbour’s dog and tell everyone that their sister had an abortion last year is really stretching it. Also if you slip someone alcohol at a party they’ll get wasted really easily and embarrass themselves or they’ll have a threesome with you. Every. Single. Time.
A tiny splash of nondescript clear alcohol from a hip flask is not a very realistic plot driver.
Reference: The episode in Beverly Hills 90210 where Donna Martin gets wasted for the first time ever in her life and for some strange reason on those grounds is unable to graduate from high school. BECAUSE DRINKING HAS CONSEQUENCES. But don’t fret petals. The students of Beverly High had a Save Donna Martin rally and all was forgiven. Of course.
There’s endless time in every day.
A typical day in the life of an American television character might include a session of morning studying, followed by a long in-depth conversation with her parents, then a full school day, with a rehearsal at lunchtime, school newspaper meeting after school, hocky practice after that, a shift at the local coffee shop where she works, a study date with her super hot boyfriend, a leisurely sit down dinner with her parents, the completion of a huge school paper that’s due the next day, the watching of a comedy movie with her BBF and then all tucked up in bed by midnight when her super hot boyfriend climbs through the window for a bit of a dry hump before sleep time. She will also have had time to apply a full face of make-up and tidy her giant bedroom to anal retentive standards.
It’s literally and physically impossible to do all of those things in one day.
You will definitely have a sheet clutching orgasm the first time you have sex.
The depiction of first time sex in La La Land is usually a gross misrepresentation of what it was actually like for every other living person on the planet. There’s candle light, slow unbuttoning of shirts, whispers of love, long lingering kisses and then a super smooth bed throw down where the dude leaves the gal writhing around on the sheets, having her first delightful, yet rather shocking orgasm. However this scene is only set for good little girls who wait for the right guy. Everyone else has to lose it on a golf course to some guy they met at a party and then deal with the word ‘SLUT’ being written all over their locker the next day at school.
Sex is great but it’s kind of awkward and usually funny. Also if you know of any woman who had a back arching orgasm the very first time they had sex, please send me her email address as I would like to buy her a congratulatory cocktail.
Reference: Joey Potter losing her virginity to Pacey in Dawson’s Creek and Kelly Taylor losing her V-plates to ‘Some guy in the woods who didn’t even put down a blanket.‘
No one is ever in a rush in the morning.
In American TV shows, the characters get these little pockets of morning time that real people just don’t get. They have time to curl their eyelashes, squeeze fresh orange juice, have lengthy conversations with their mother about how much the school play is eating into her study time, fold 400 flyers for the school carnival that coming weekend and then casually bake a batch of friands for French class.
I have never in my life met a teenager that eats breakfast, fully clothed, sitting at a table while conversing audibly with another human. At least not pre-10am.
If someone is gossiping you will definitely overhear them. Probably in the girls toilet.
The amount of sensitive information that is loudly discussed in American TV school toilets is beyond ridiculous. If I was a character on a teen drama I’d set up camp in one of the toilet stalls and be the first to get the scoop. That’s where I’d find out that Stacey cheated on the history test and that Jason gave that new girl chlamydia.
Normal people know how to whisper.
What have you seen on TV shows that have made you go WTF?
If you’re interested in more stuff along these lines here’s a vlog I filmed called Bullshit Lies About Life That I Learned From Full House.