I’m a total weirdo magnet. If I go out to a pub with my mates I’ll inevitably end up sitting next to some dude who just happened to wander by and wanted to touch my hair. Then he’ll sit down for the next four hours and tell me all about that time he got his foot stuck in the bars of his bed head for 6 days and as a result of his trauma, he now gets turned on whenever he touches newspapers. There’s never any romantic interest with these colourful folk unfortunately, even though I’m a very happy little defacto, I have to admit it’s mildly more interesting to be accosted by strange men if they’re also trying to bone you. My weirdos have no interest in my pants, they generally want me to be some kind of spiritual life guide for them which makes them extremely clingy and very difficult to shake. Here are a few tactics I’ve come up with to gently let down an over zealous party ruiner.
1. Find The Drunkest Person And Be Very Busy Taking Care of Them
I’ve used this one a few times but only in dire emergencies. You have to consider which one would be more painful.
1. Holding your mates hair back while she regurgitates eight berry flavoured Cruisers into a filthy pub toilet.
2. Hearing about how the Columbine massacre was a government conspiracy for the fourth time.
As I’m getting older, my friends tend to drunkenly vomit a lot less, so you might want to bleed this one while you’re in your teens and early twenties. If your friends are of the quietly sipping a glass of shiraz persuasion, as mine are, you might need to fake a friend emergency. Like your mate’s cat ate her goldfish right in front of her this morning and you need to check if she’s okay.
2. Keep ‘Accidentally’ Knocking Over Their Drink
After three lost beers they’ll be out of there. No one wants to sit next to the clumsy girl especially when it costs them $10 every time she moves.
3. Go To The Toilet
This one is an oldie but a goodie. The trick is to make the person feel like you’re actually coming back. ‘I’m so sorry but I really have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back, stay right here. I really want to know more about why gay marriage is an abomination.‘ Then take ages in the toilet and by the time you get back, chances are they’ll be talking to some other poor sod. Failing that you can just not come back, but only do this to supreme dickheads because it is actually quite rude.
4. Out Weird Them
I once got trapped by this uber knob head who was deliberately trying to shock me by telling me all this gross stuff that he did online like trolling teen sites. I couldn’t get rid of him so I told him I was part of the Bell Ringers Society of Our Lady of Victoria, an international group of bell ringing enthusiasts. We all set our alarms so that we can ring our collections of bells at the exact moment that famous churches ring their bells throughout the world. Sometimes I was up at 2am ringing bells for St Christopher’s in Paris and that it was so thrilling it was worth it. He went and ‘got a beer‘ five seconds later and I never saw him again. Feel free to use this story but you have to own it. You need to really embrace the passion of the bells or it won’t work.
5. Be Really Annoying
Make them listen to you sing Adele’s Someone Like You. Tell them everything you ate that day. Make them watch lots of cats on YouTube on your phone. Cry. Start listing all the films Tom Cruise has ever acted in. Good bye weirdo!