5 Ways To Escape That Dickhead Who’s Trapped You At A Party.

5 Ways To Escape That Dickhead Who’s Trapped You At A Party.

Screen Shot 2013-08-15 at 11.09.14 PM

Image & Feature Image

I’m a total weirdo magnet. If I go out to a pub with my mates I’ll inevitably end up sitting next to some dude who just happened to wander by and wanted to touch my hair. Then he’ll sit down for the next four hours and tell me all about that time he got his foot stuck in the bars of his bed head for 6 days and as a result of his trauma, he now gets turned on whenever he touches newspapers. There’s never any romantic interest with these colourful folk unfortunately, even though I’m a very happy little defacto, I have to admit it’s mildly more interesting to be accosted by strange men if they’re also trying to bone you. My weirdos have no interest in my pants, they generally want me to be some kind of spiritual life guide for them which makes them extremely clingy and very difficult to shake. Here are a few tactics I’ve come up with to gently let down an over zealous party ruiner.

1. Find The Drunkest Person And Be Very Busy Taking Care of Them

I’ve used this one a few times but only in dire emergencies. You have to consider which one would be more painful.

1. Holding your mates hair back while she regurgitates eight berry flavoured Cruisers into a filthy pub toilet.

2. Hearing about how the Columbine massacre was a government conspiracy for the fourth time.

As I’m getting older, my friends tend to drunkenly vomit a lot less, so you might want to bleed this one while you’re in your teens and early twenties. If your friends are of the quietly sipping a glass of shiraz persuasion, as mine are, you might need to fake a friend emergency. Like your mate’s cat ate her goldfish right in front of her this morning and you need to check if she’s okay.

2. Keep ‘Accidentally’ Knocking Over Their Drink

After three lost beers they’ll be out of there. No one wants to sit next to the clumsy girl especially when it costs them $10 every time she moves. 

3. Go To The Toilet

This one is an oldie but a goodie. The trick is to make the person feel like you’re actually coming back. ‘I’m so sorry but I really have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back, stay right here. I really want to know more about why gay marriage is an abomination.‘ Then take ages in the toilet and by the time you get back, chances are they’ll be talking to some other poor sod. Failing that you can just not come back, but only do this to supreme dickheads because it is actually quite rude.

4. Out Weird Them

I once got trapped by this uber knob head who was deliberately trying to shock me by telling me all this gross stuff that he did online like trolling teen sites. I couldn’t get rid of him so I told him I was part of the Bell Ringers Society of Our Lady of Victoria, an international group of bell ringing enthusiasts. We all set our alarms so that we can ring our collections of bells at the exact moment that famous churches ring their bells throughout the world. Sometimes I was up at 2am ringing bells for St Christopher’s in Paris and that it was so thrilling it was worth it. He went and ‘got a beer‘ five seconds later and I never saw him again. Feel free to use this story but you have to own it. You need to really embrace the passion of the bells or it won’t work.

5. Be Really Annoying

Make them listen to you sing Adele’s Someone Like You. Tell them everything you ate that day. Make them watch lots of cats on YouTube on your phone. Cry. Start listing all the films Tom Cruise has ever acted in. Good bye weirdo! 

What tricks do you employ to ditch the knob end that won’t leave you alone at the pub?

Carly is the founding editor of Smaggle which launched in 2007 back when blogging was weird. She has appeared in The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, Cosmopolitan and Cleo magazines. Hoop earrings are totally her thing and she almost got run over by Myf Warhurst while out jogging one day.

12 Comments

  1. Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella 1 year ago

    This list is hilarious-mainly because I’m sure everyone has been stuck with a dickhead at some point! I’m using the Bellringers story next time-thanks petal ;)

    • Author
      Smaggle 1 year ago

      DO IT!!!! Seriously works every time.

  2. Lisa 1 year ago

    That bell ringing story is AMAZING. I almost hope I attract some weirdo this weekend so I have a chance to try it out.

    http://hugsized.blogspot.com

    • Author
      Smaggle 1 year ago

      It always works. Because it’s weird but strangely believable. Based on a story my aunty told me when she was travelling overseas.

  3. Ali 1 year ago

    ugh, where were you last night?
    I usually look at my watch and go ‘oh my god! I was supposed to leave ten minutes ago, I have to meet someone. I was having too much fun talking to you to notice the time!’ this only works if you are actually willing to leave the premises. you can’t pretend you were going to meet your friend by the couch.

    if it’s at a party you want to stay at, claim to be too hot or cold where you’re standing, and say you’re going to go get closer to the window/heater/fan/whatever. they’ll probably follow you, but on your way there, grab someone who you actually want to talk to (physically grab them, dig the claws in so they know you’re desperate) and start an intensely enthusiastic conversation with them ‘hey! I haven’t seen you in ages! I’m SO glad you’re here, we have to talk! you need to tell me all about that [thing that the dickhead will find boring. try a baby shower]‘. your friend should sense the desperation and play along and the dude will get bored and walk away.

    • Author
      Smaggle 1 year ago

      AH! The temperature card! I’ll try that one in the future. X

  4. Hannargh 1 year ago

    Hahaha this is gold!

    • Author
      Smaggle 1 year ago

      Thanks love! As I said I’m a weirdo magnet. LOTS of experience in this area. :-)

  5. B (Make Do and Spend) 1 year ago

    Brilliant! I’m beyond rubbish at getting out of awkward conversations. I was once stuck on a train with an annoying guy who didn’t take the hint that I wasn’t up for chatting. He didn’t even notice that the fact I’d had to think for a moment what my name is, might suggest I’d just made on up. All efforts to escape the situation (including eventually just looking desperately to other train strangers for help – all who avoided my eye contact) were useless. I was so happy when the train began pulling into my station, I leapt from my seat, told him how nice it was to meet him and went off to wait eagerly by the door. I was so fixated on freedom it took me a minute to realise someone was shouting ‘Alice, Alice!’ loudly down the train carriage… and another minute to realise “Alice” was my fake name. Of course it was the weird guy… who’d scrawled down his mobile number, just in case I had any questions about anything we’d been talking about/he’d been lecturing me about… and the people on the train still avoided eye contact, while clearly secretly loving the awkwardness.

    • Author
      Smaggle 1 year ago

      Oh my god! That’s awful! You’re lucky he didn’t follow you off the triain!

  6. Steph Lee 1 year ago

    after reading this im actually hoping for some weirdo action now. sensational.

  7. Lily 1 year ago

    I don’t know… if they’re invading my personal space, capitalizing on my time and making me uncomfortable in any way I don’t have a problem tell them firmly but politely that I’m done talking to them. Anything from, “It’s been nice chatting but I’m going to spend time with my friends now” to just walking away. Ladies are bred to be polite and nice to a fault under any situation, but if this person is disrespecting your time/space and not picking up on conversation cues that the conversation is over, they’re not extending the same courtesy to you. You don’t have to mean or cruel, just firm and clear. Anyway, that’s how I would handle it.

Leave a Reply

chessymini3
Snack Time: Gluten Free Parmesan Cheese and Chutney Mini Muffins.

I adore baking but there's only so many batches of gooey chocolate cupcakes and caramel brownies I can make before...

Close