Images from Women Laughing Alone With Salad. 

I fear we’re becoming a nation of food wankers, and I think it started with Instagram.

Before the sepia-toned app came into our lives there was a definite limit to the amount of dietary diatribe we could get away with spouting in one conversation.

These days, there’s no limit to the amount of humble brag hashtags we can affix to pictures of our lunch, a bird’s eye view of our fancy coffee foam complimenting an array of organic, difficult-to-pronounce foodstuffs sitting prettily on the plate, managing to look smug like only a South American super food can. That’s right Acaii, I’m looking at you.

Full disclosure now – I’m the biggest food wanker of the lot. I order my beef from a local, sustainable, grass fed (obvs, babe) farm where the practice is to walk gently and quietly around the cows so as not to disturb them.

I have kale in my fridge right now and I extol the virtues of tempeh as an alternate protein source. I put chia seeds in my motherflipping (organic) porridge, for god’s sake, and I’ve been known to say (one fateful night, when I’d watched a particularly scintillating episode of Masterchef) ‘let’s plate up’.

Never going to live that one down, that’s for sure.

My point is, coming from this place of acknowledged food wanker-dom, there’s no judgment here. It feels good to make peace with it, and I think my fellow food wankers might feel the same.

This simple test should help you figure out just where on the food wanker spectrum you sit. Don’t be ashamed – once you’re done we can all hold hands and sympathise on how difficult it is to find a high-quality organic coconut oil in sustainable packaging.

Are You A Food Wanker?

 

1. The following steps are required for making a green smoothie:

 

A. Put yoghurt, banana and green food colouring in the blender. Transfer from blender into cup.

B. Put yoghurt, banana, spinach, kale and milk into the blender. Transfer into cup. Drink.

C. Put yoghurt, banana, spinach, kale, spirulina, wheatgrass and almond milk into the blender. Transfer to jam jar. Insert whimsical vintage striped straw. Position on rustic wood surface. Take an aerial-view shot. Add filter. Hashtag #cleaneating. Post to Instagram. Drink.

 

2. Quinoa is pronounced:

 

A. “Kwee-Noh-Ah”

B. “Keen-Wah”

C. “It depends of course on which region of South America the quinoa comes from, and whether you’re talking about royal red quinoa, which in my opinion is far superior in terms of its nutrient content, and in terms of…oh, you’ve stopped listening.”

 

3. Kale tastes:

 

A. Like an unholy hybrid of spinach and wet newspaper. Doused in olive oil and lemon, it STILL tastes bitter. Are you sure it’s an edible vegetable?

B. It depends on how it’s prepared. Kale chips, for example, are pretty great.

C. Like I’m cradling the very elixir of life on my tongue. #MyBodyIsATemple.

 

4. Gluten is:

 

A. Really bad for you if you’re a celiac or gluten intolerant, right?

B. In way too many things these days, which is why more and more people become intolerant to it. It’s not easy on your system at all

C. Gluten? Where? WHERE? OMG did I get some on me? I was assured this quiz was gluten freeeeeee!

 

5. The chicken you ate for dinner came from:

 

A. Coles

B. A free-range butcher

C. A farm (although they prefer to be called an ‘animal retreat’) on the outskirts of Sydney called ‘Greener Pastures’. You’ve been to visit to ensure she had a happy life before ending up on your plate. Her name was Martha and she enjoyed watching CSI.

 

6. How do you ensure the seafood you buy is sustainable?

 

A. I buy it frozen. It ‘sustains’ for ages in the freezer.

B. I know that you’re meant to go for wild salmon instead of farmed, and smaller fish instead of larger. Bluefin tuna is a no-no

C. I have an app that tells me how sustainable the fish is, and what impact the catching of said fish have on the marine eco-system. Plus, if you buy a whole fish, you can look into its eyes and tell the kind of life it has lived.

 

Mostly As:

 

Congratulations, you’re fairly low down on the food wanker scale. Food is fuel for you and you just can’t understand when you see someone position their eggs bennie to take advantage of natural light for a photo.

 

Mostly Bs:

 

Welcome, friend, you’ve got a decent slug of the food wanker about you but you’re generally pretty easy-going about it. You care where your food comes from and you’re interested in new things but you’re also happy to go with the flow if two-minute noodles are all you have in the pantry one night.

 

Mostly Cs:

 

Food wankers, unite – we have found our foodie monarch. With an encyclopedic knowledge of where, why and how your food was made, you make being a food wanker an art form. Your cupboard is full of raw cacao, organic coconut oil and almond milk (unsweetened, of course) and you spend your weekends happily perusing farmer’s markets. Let’s face it; you’re probably nibbling on some activated almonds as you read this…

What level of food wanker are you?

I’m overseas with dodgy internet connection so I’ve asked a few of my favourite bloggers to contribute to Smaggle until I get back on the 14th October. Bek Day is a super rad friend of mine from high school. She’s a mad writer and you can follow her on twitter here.