It occurred to me the other day that our moods are almost directly related to our environment. For instance I’m always a bit angry when I’m in the car. Whether I’m driving or being chauffeured, I’m either going towards something cool or fleeing something shit and neither thing is ever happening fast enough. Conversely I’m rarely anything but delighted when I’m in bed. This got me thinking about environments where people notoriously behave like shit heads and I decided to list these places for your amusement. 

These Places Turn People Into Dicks

1. Music Festivals

Now I’ve never been to a music festival because I refuse to spend $300 on a musical experience that doesn’t require a 50 piece orchestra, the wearing of control top undies and the necessity for my date to smell like Freshly Showered Man. Why is this? Because I once read about a girl who had her toe stomped off in the mosh pit of some Big Green Golden Falls Day festival. Stomped. Off. She probably also had to pee in the bushes that day and had to stop her friend from having drunken ugly sex but that’s beside the point. The point is that people turn into giant dicks at music festivals. Lots of my friends go to music festivals (they’ve long since stopped inviting me thank god) and every single time they return, they have several Dick Stories. One friend returned to his car after three days of camping to find a giant human turd baked into his bonnet. A girl from my school had her ponytail CHOPPED OFF in the crowd by this deranged young lass with a giant pair of scissors. I even heard a rumour about some vagrant who pissed into a spray bottle and went around spritzing the crowd with his mellow yellow. In conclusion, if you ever see me at music festival, call the police for I have surely been kidnapped.

2. Airports

The last time I was on a plane there was this woman complaining loudly about the staff having to do a safety check and consequently delaying the flight by 20 minutes. Personally, I’ll wait ALL DAY for a safety check. I think 20 minutes of my day is worth not dying for. Then there was the charming gentleman who tore strips off the air hostess because the overhead locker above his seat was full and he had to put his bag in the locker across the aisle. He ‘paid good money for his ticket‘ (it was a JetStar flight – unlikely) and ‘part of his ticket purchase included a space for his carry on luggage!‘. It took four other people rearranging their bags so he could put his suitcase above his own precious head. What a dick.

3. 7Eleven on Free Slurpie Day

When free things are involved, everyone’s sense of entitlement goes through the roof. When you’ve got a bunch of freeloaders waiting for their slushy and the machine breaks, there’s always threats of lawyers getting involved or losers who knock over shelves in faux macho displays of annoyance. There is nothing that will turn a person into a dick faster than offering them something for free and then taking it away again.

4. Gyms

It’s those people who think that their workout is more important than everyone else’s that really get my goat. Those guys who will hog four different machines because they’re ‘doing sets‘ and they’ll lift one giant weight, scare the shit out of everyone with a groan that makes it sound like they snapped something and then stand there for a 15 minute recovery with their shit spread out on all the machines you want to use. Dicks.

5. The Deli Counter at The Supermarket

There’s always one person who jumps the queue and they know they’re doing it which makes them an even bigger dick. It’s also because they can get away with it. The Deli Counter is a free-for-all of organisation and the poor people behind the counter can hardly be expected to keep track of the order of customers between measuring out cheese and ham slices. The Deli Counter really brings out the worst in people. Oh and that smug smirk as they realised they got away with jumping the queue… major dicks.

6. The Post Office

My favourite are the people who come in, see the giant line, march to the front and say ‘Oh I just need an express post-bag and some cash out!‘. It happens almost every time I’m in the post office. I’m like ‘Yeah dude, get in line, so does everyone!‘. I mean if you were in line at the movies you wouldn’t go to the front of the queue and be all ‘Oh i just want some movie tickets!‘ so why do it at the post office?  There also seems to be this unwritten rule of Post Office employment where they just allow people to jump the queue. It’s bizarre. Although everyone just stands there, quietly seething, allowing it to happen the dicks keep on being dicks. What dicks.

7. Anywhere With A Protective Screen

It’s kind of self-explanatory. Taxis, passport offices, ticketing booths, Centrelink, police stations. Places where people tend to be disappointed a lot and therefore want to smash the innocent person delivering the bad news. Places with protective screens are dick magnets.

Where do dicks amalgamate in your world? The bank? Bars? Clothing stores? Do share.