5 Creepy Ways to Guarantee Your Girlfriend Says ‘Yes’ When You Propose

5 Creepy Ways to Guarantee Your Girlfriend Says ‘Yes’ When You Propose

With all this Valentine’s Day merriment upon us, my Facebook friends are predictably divided. There’s the F*ck Valentine’s Day crew who just dead set hate anything remotely related to Naked Archer Baby Day. Then there’s the Yay Puppy Sunshine Delicious Rainbows and Snuggly Blankets Valentine’s gang who have been peppering their walls with pinned tutorials of bubble gum pink cupcakes that look structurally impossible and frankly inedible. One friend of mine is rather endearingly counting down the days until Valentine’s Day like she’s in year 6 and hopes that Doug Champion will totally kiss her behind the bike shed. Personally I’ll be stoked if I get a shag out of V-tines day but then I might just be really tired and not even care. Anyway, during my shavasana after Barre Class today my mind wandered to a weird place, as it always does during shavasana. I was thinking that if I was a creepy dude, how would I propose to my girlfriend to guarantee that she would say yes? And it’s pretty much self-explanatory from here.

5 Creepy Ways to Guarantee Your Girlfriend Says ‘Yes’ When you Propose

Outsource The Job To A Puppy

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You’d have to be dead inside to say no to this. So if you think that your potential fiancée doesn’t really like you very much, it’s important to play hard ball and introduce a third-party cute factor. After all love is a battlefield. Note: If you own a dog together already then this is actually really cute. For creeps, this method only works if you use a random dog or a puppy that she doesn’t get to keep.

Ask Her While She’s Sleeping

This actually happened to a friend of a friend. She woke up in the morning and noticed a giant whopping rock on her finger that certainly wasn’t there when she’d drifted off to sleep. Her boyfriend had quietly slipped the ring on her finger while she was sleeping and had apparently whispered ‘Marry me?‘ in her ear to which he received no reply and just assumed that her fluttering eyelids coupled with her silence obviously meant ‘Yes! A thousand times yes!‘. After a few days, his unwitting fiance broke off the engagement because of weirdness but I still think it counts as a success. Although she never technically said yes, she confusedly wore the ring for like three days so I’d chalk that up to a small victory. 

Do It On A Day When Something Really Bad Has Happened To You

Like if you got fired. Picture this. You’re completely dejected, carrying your sad little box of staples from the office and by the time you get home, you’re distraught. You neck a few beers, cry a bit and then tell your girlfriend that she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Say that the only thing that will make you happy is if she marries you. Ring optional. She might not say yes but she probably won’t say no, at least not right away. Winning by default is still winning. Never underestimate the power of emotional manipulation. Especially if you’re a creep.

Give Her Dad 100, 000 Cows

Although it’s not a legally binding contract, if your girlfriend says no, she has to live with the fact that she’s depriving her father of lots and lots of cows. This only works if your girlfriend really likes her dad… and if her dad really likes cows. 

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Do It On Your Own Birthday

No one wants to be the girl who crushed a guy on his birthday. This will buy you at least 24 hours. I once knew a girl who turned down a proposal from a guy on his birthday and now she’s That Girl Who Turned Down a Proposal From a Guy On His Birthday, which is really uncool. This will also work if you propose in public or in front of relatives. This method will give a temporary yes followed by a very gentle let down… which still counts as a yes. 

So tell me… what’s the best/worst/most hilarious engagement story you’ve heard? Spill!

Carly is the founding editor of Smaggle which launched in 2007 back when blogging was weird. She has appeared in The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, Cosmopolitan and Cleo magazines. Hoop earrings are totally her thing and she almost got run over by Myf Warhurst while out jogging one day.

18 Comments

  1. Nicole 10 months ago

    I don’t have any engagement stories, i just wanted to add that Valentines Day is even more OTT here. They expect children to give a valentine to every person in their class. And they sell a lot of non-romantic love based cards like Grandpa to grandson. I was not really ever into Valentines, but Super American Valentines! helps me to be even less into it.

    • Author
      Smaggle 10 months ago

      Super American Valentines sounds equal parts and hideous and amazing. I have a feeling I’d accidently get right into it.

      • Alisa Muir 10 months ago

        We started doing this a couple years back with my kids.
        Last year my oldest didn’t want to give chocolate to everyone, it wasn’t cool… lol.. So he gave them all rocks with a tag attached that said “you rock, happy valentines”.. it was so funny.

        The littlies did little bee chocolates with “bee mine” attached.

        This year we have a different plan. It is kinda fun to go silly with it.
        I got cool mustache lolly pops for my kids and i am going to do the “I mustache you something will you be my valentine”..

        Its all in good fun.
        And being single it possibly helps me feel less “waa waa alone”

  2. ddgdaily 10 months ago

    Or you could take her out to a really violent/scary movie and scare the shit out of her forcing her into a co-dependant “please keep me safe” moment of insanity. That’s what my husband did… guess it worked ;)

  3. Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella 10 months ago

    Brilliant! I knew this would be a goody from the title and you never disappoint Lady Smaggle. Although the guy that did it while she was asleep does sound really quite odd…Did they break up because of weirdness on his side or hers? I’m guessing his ;)

    • Author
      Smaggle 10 months ago

      His side. I didn’t get all the details but from what I gather she was kind of planning to break up with him anyway but him becoming engaged to her without her consent just really pushed her over the edge. It was actually just really awkward at the time because he kind of didn’t really do anything wrong… it was just… weird. I’d love to talk to him about it actually and be all ‘So… can you see where you went wrong?’.

  4. Bec 10 months ago

    My boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with me on Sunday and I kind of want to die. Reading about engagements as creepy and gross is kind of helping. So are Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. Valentines Day can f*ck right off.

    • Author
      Smaggle 10 months ago

      Oh my god hon, that’s awful. Unexpected breakups are the worst. Skinny Cow icecream sandwiches are the best. Can I warn you though that excess consumption may have a laxative effect? I don’t think it says it on the box but I know its true. Make a date with your girlfriends on Friday love, at a pub and have a party pash. It’s the best cure. It the pash is good, then great. If it’s bad it’ll make you think all men are gross including your ex so that’s good too. Take care of yourself. xxx

      • Bec 10 months ago

        Hahaha thank you for the warning! May I ask how you know it’s true? Who doesn’t love a good poo story?! Thankfully I only had one on Monday and one on Tuesday. For breakfast. So I haven’t had the runs (yet).
        Thanks for your kind words xx

        • Erika 10 months ago

          Wow, I’d be mainlining any random Connoisseur icecream tub and hitting the whisky. Which is what I did when my beloved wolfhound died. For a month. Then started coming back to normal. Do whatever you need to, to feel better. And it’s not about you, it’s about him. You’re just wonderful :)

          • Author
            Smaggle 10 months ago

            Far out. I’m having a full on moment here guys. My readers ROCK! God if I squeeze you both right now I would. Xxx

          • Bec 10 months ago

            Thank you so much Erika, your comment brought a tear to my eye yesterday (in a good way!). I’m sorry about your beautiful wolfhound. Feeling a tiny bit better already.

          • Erika 10 months ago

            It’s the price you pay for having pets, and some hurt more than others… You’ll go up and down, but things will get better. Look after yourself, wear good perfume, do your nails, wear snazzy clothes, put on some music – you get the idea! Hang in there – and cyberhugs

          • Erika 10 months ago

            I might mention – the tub sizes did get smaller before I stopped :)

        • Author
          Smaggle 10 months ago

          I ate 4 in one day and made love to the toilet all arvo. It was… Interesting. Oh and I sent you an email to your bloggable day account just in case it ended up in junk! Hope you’re feeling okay. X

  5. Erika 10 months ago

    Himself had a dream we got married. He could tell me the cars (go figure). Told him it wasn’t happening. Talked about it with best friend, who has known me forever. She asked why not. And um, no valid reason really. Which is why we are now married, and we did have the cars as specified – his 1962 Valiant and a good friend’s 1956 Chevrolet…

  6. Katrina 10 months ago

    LOL, love the last one, how can she say not on your birthday!!

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