With all this Valentine’s Day merriment upon us, my Facebook friends are predictably divided. There’s the F*ck Valentine’s Day crew who just dead set hate anything remotely related to Naked Archer Baby Day. Then there’s the Yay Puppy Sunshine Delicious Rainbows and Snuggly Blankets Valentine’s gang who have been peppering their walls with pinned tutorials of bubble gum pink cupcakes that look structurally impossible and frankly inedible. One friend of mine is rather endearingly counting down the days until Valentine’s Day like she’s in year 6 and hopes that Doug Champion will totally kiss her behind the bike shed. Personally I’ll be stoked if I get a shag out of V-tines day but then I might just be really tired and not even care. Anyway, during my shavasana after Barre Class today my mind wandered to a weird place, as it always does during shavasana. I was thinking that if I was a creepy dude, how would I propose to my girlfriend to guarantee that she would say yes? And it’s pretty much self-explanatory from here.

5 Creepy Ways to Guarantee Your Girlfriend Says ‘Yes’ When you Propose

Outsource The Job To A Puppy

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You’d have to be dead inside to say no to this. So if you think that your potential fiancée doesn’t really like you very much, it’s important to play hard ball and introduce a third-party cute factor. After all love is a battlefield. Note: If you own a dog together already then this is actually really cute. For creeps, this method only works if you use a random dog or a puppy that she doesn’t get to keep.

Ask Her While She’s Sleeping

This actually happened to a friend of a friend. She woke up in the morning and noticed a giant whopping rock on her finger that certainly wasn’t there when she’d drifted off to sleep. Her boyfriend had quietly slipped the ring on her finger while she was sleeping and had apparently whispered ‘Marry me?‘ in her ear to which he received no reply and just assumed that her fluttering eyelids coupled with her silence obviously meant ‘Yes! A thousand times yes!‘. After a few days, his unwitting fiance broke off the engagement because of weirdness but I still think it counts as a success. Although she never technically said yes, she confusedly wore the ring for like three days so I’d chalk that up to a small victory. 

Do It On A Day When Something Really Bad Has Happened To You

Like if you got fired. Picture this. You’re completely dejected, carrying your sad little box of staples from the office and by the time you get home, you’re distraught. You neck a few beers, cry a bit and then tell your girlfriend that she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Say that the only thing that will make you happy is if she marries you. Ring optional. She might not say yes but she probably won’t say no, at least not right away. Winning by default is still winning. Never underestimate the power of emotional manipulation. Especially if you’re a creep.

Give Her Dad 100, 000 Cows

Although it’s not a legally binding contract, if your girlfriend says no, she has to live with the fact that she’s depriving her father of lots and lots of cows. This only works if your girlfriend really likes her dad… and if her dad really likes cows. 

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Do It On Your Own Birthday

No one wants to be the girl who crushed a guy on his birthday. This will buy you at least 24 hours. I once knew a girl who turned down a proposal from a guy on his birthday and now she’s That Girl Who Turned Down a Proposal From a Guy On His Birthday, which is really uncool. This will also work if you propose in public or in front of relatives. This method will give a temporary yes followed by a very gentle let down… which still counts as a yes. 

So tell me… what’s the best/worst/most hilarious engagement story you’ve heard? Spill!