So You Had Sex and Now She’s Pregnant. How is That Her Fault?

So You Had Sex and Now She’s Pregnant. How is That Her Fault?

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I was having lunch with some friends the other day and the conversation steered towards one night stands. One of my friends told us about her cousin who’s ‘life is over’ because of a one night stand where the girl said she was on the pill ‘but wasn’t’. Now he has to ‘hand over half of his paycheck’ every week until the kid turns 18 because of an ‘innocent mistake’.

I get extremely annoyed when I hear language like that surrounding one night stands that result in pregnancy. I can understand where my friend is coming from. Pregnancies between two people who don’t know each other outside of a sweaty drunken shag, are really traumatic for both the male and female involved. It’s never an ideal situation for anyone. The thing that really upsets me about this though, is that the male in these situations is more often than not painted as the innocent victim, particularly amongst his peers and family.

I don’t think men understand this but it’s actually very difficult for us women to control our reproductive systems. We have to remember to take a pill everyday, make appointments for Depo injections, keep track of when we last had our Implanon changed or have painful procedures to have coils inserted in our wombs. It’s a really complicated business. Even if we manage our contraception perfectly, after all these precautions, sometimes we’ll get pregnant anyway and it always seems to be our fault when it happens. Frankly, I think it’s bollocks.

I’m not talking about all men. Some men are fantastic about using condoms but there are enough surprise babies out there that make me believe that a lot of men are a bit shit at it. I’m astounded by the way some men lack ownership over their own jizz. They don’t seem to care much about it when they’re spraying it all over the place but then they act like wounded puppies when their lax attitude about contraception leads to an accidental pregnancy.

Whenever I hear of a guy getting a girl pregnant it’s usually because ‘She said she was the pill.The excuse is never ‘I didn’t wear a condom’ which is usually more truthful. I’ve also heard actual real life men say ‘She LIED and said she was on the pill‘. What a disgusting thing to say. I can’t think of anyone who would lie about being on the pill, especially for a one night stand. That just seems ludicrous. The pill often fails, especially if you’re not taking it correctly or if you’ve been ill. Even if a women DID lie and said she was on the pill when she wasn’t, the guy is a bit of a chump for trusting someone he’s only just met. If a girl said ‘Hey can I have a thousand dollars in cash and I’ll pay you back later, even though you don’t know my name or have my phone number?‘ can you think of any man in the world that would give her the money? No, because it’s really silly. Yes condoms are inconvenient but you know what’s more inconvenient? Getting a stranger pregnant.

The only control that men have over the spreading of their seed is condoms, a vasectomy or abstinence. So if you’re a dude and you have sex and you don’t wear a condom and the sex results in a pregnancy, you need to own it. All this horrible language that blames women for ‘getting pregnant’ like it was a choice has got to stop. Two people were there, two people made choices and two people have to deal with the consequences of those choices. If the sex was consensual then both parties are responsible for what ever outcomes may occur. Simple as that. 

Carly is the founding editor of Smaggle which launched in 2007 back when blogging was weird. She has appeared in The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, Cosmopolitan and Cleo magazines. Hoop earrings are totally her thing and she almost got run over by Myf Warhurst while out jogging one day.

50 Comments

  1. Erika 9 months ago

    Yep. Also, and just as importantly, failure rates on properly used condoms are very low – the lowest of all forms of contraception. They’re also a brilliant method of preventing STIs.

    What I do object to is one parent having to pay and not being able to be involved at all with the child. Unless there are very good reasons to protect the child. The current child support system has both pluses and minuses on both sides. Which sends me wild, because what matters is that a child has the best possible life…

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Yeah totally! And althought they’re inconvenient, it’s like 10 seconds of fumbling and a little bit pre-planning. Some people act like condoms are spiked or something.

      • Erika 9 months ago

        It doesn’t have to be fumbled. It can be made quite, um, sensual….

        • Author
          Smaggle 9 months ago

          Ha! Yes, I know about the um… sensual methods. I mean the unsensual part is when you reach into the bedside drawer and the box is empty and you have to do a naked dash through to the bathroom to try and find one… it’s not always smooth sailing!

  2. Darren Cullerne 9 months ago

    I could not have put it better myself. I have turned down sex because there was not a condom available (I didn’t expect to need it that night). As a guy, don’t understand the mentality of “I can’t afford $12 for a pack of frangers” when the possible alternative is 18 years of child support. It boggles my mind!

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Okay so ‘frangers’ is my new favourite word right now. I also think it’s important for men to spread the message too. Somehow it seems more potent from a fellow dude you know? Well done!

      • Darren Cullerne 9 months ago

        I’m surprised you haven’t heard the term “Franger”. I just assumed it was general Aussie slang! :)

        • GoddessMel 9 months ago

          I just don’t think it’s as widely used a term as it once was, Darren. Thanks for brining it back :)

        • Author
          Smaggle 9 months ago

          I’m sure I’ve heard it before, I’m just stoked to reintroduce it into my vocab,

  3. Bek 9 months ago

    “I’m astounded by the way some men lack ownership over their own jizz.” SLOW. CLAP. Best and truest thing I have read all day. xx

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Oh slow claps are THE CLAPS! Seriously though I have close male friends that are like so whatever about having unprotected sex. I’m like dude. You are SHOOTING YOUR DNA INTO AN INCUBATOR! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU???

      • Author
        Smaggle 9 months ago

        *best claps. They’re obviously claps.

        • Bek 9 months ago

          I like that we’re talking about claps. ANOTHER reason to wear an effing condom.

          • Author
            Smaggle 9 months ago

            Personally I think that’s the best reason to wear a condom. My mother always that if you have unprotected sex, a pregancy is the best out of all of the possible consequences.

  4. maudie 9 months ago

    this is the best

  5. Sar Cullen 9 months ago

    As someone who has worked in a sexual health center for many years – Smags knows I could rant all day long about this. I’m super glad she’s neatly and succinctly said what I would like to have said (my rant would definitely have had more swears though).

    One leeeeetle thing I’d like to add is that I think more women – young and old – need to feel empowered about the use of condoms. I would always say to my female patients/clients/students that a condom isn’t male contraception – it’s your contraception, it’s your protection against STI’s. I’d give them a bunch to take home and open and play with and get used to because they need to feel really comfortable about it being theirs. That way if a guy says he won’t wear one she can feel comfortable knowing that he is disapproving of her choice of protection – and she can feel empowered to tell him to shove off, because she knows there’s no reason he shouldn’t use one.

    • Lulu c. 9 months ago

      I get a bit annoyed about ladies (usually young ones) who have an attitude about condoms being “for men”. It is just the whole thing of condoms being the default responsibility of men that annoys me, which I come across quite a bit. I never thought about it as a lack of empowerment/education before though.

      • Author
        Smaggle 9 months ago

        It really is. Sar and I had a chat about it one day and I was ranting being all ‘Why on earth would a women ever not use a condom? It’s so stupid!’ and Sar was telling that’s okay for someone confident and ballsy like me but many women don’t feel enough ownership over their own bodies and sex in general to feel comfortable to enough to insist. It broke my heart hearing that. I feel another article coming on! ;-)

      • Sar Cullen 8 months ago

        Hey Lulu – Just noticed your reply from ages ago – sorry! Yeah – it really is about education. Women wouldn’t naturally expect a condom to be their ‘responsibility’ for obvious reasons – it’s definitely something that needs to be taught. Just like a man doesn’t consider the pill being their problem – I do a lot of education around that too. Just don’t even get me started on guys who take the condom off during sex… in hetero and gay situations. Makes me sooooooo mad!

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Oh totally! I didn’t go into STDs in this article (it was long enough!) but I’d love to write another piece about empowering women to use condoms and to never, ever have sex without them unless they’re with a trusted and tested partner. Might need to interview a sexual health nurse for that one… over wine. :-)

      • Sar Cullen 8 months ago

        Ah! I just found all these replies to my comment – how cool! If you need some sexual health info – I’m your lady! Anytime :)

  6. Kelly Exeter 9 months ago

    Oh high five lovely! Well said!

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      I’ve been sitting on this for ages I’m so glad it was well received!

  7. GoddessMel 9 months ago

    Well put, and I totally agree. IMHO, ESPECIALLY in the case of a one night stand the guy should insist on using a condom and the woman should insist that he does. It’s not just an unwanted pregnancy that can result from a casual encounter and this way you’re both [more or less] protected.

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Totally. My mate Sar (she commented above) postively BERRATED a young male friend of ours one night for being so casual about not using condoms. It’s mental.

  8. Bec 9 months ago

    So well said! I completely agree.
    On the total flipside one of my very close friends fell pregnant after a one night stand and now (just over a year since that first night), they own their home together, have an adorable baby and are engaged with the wedding happening in November. I am very aware that this is the exception and not the rule!

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Oh how gorgeous! I love that. What a great happy ending.

  9. Lulu c 9 months ago

    I couldn’t agree more!
    And the other comments bring up good points too. Why would you rely on the pill during a one night stand? It can’t protect you from STIs. The amount of young girls I heard at school say they didn’t need to use condoms because they had an implant made me cringe! I was actually secretly glad when my friend caught a treatable STI a few years ago because atleast it taught her to use condoms during casual sex. Not that I said that to her face…..

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Ha! I would have said to her face. I have lots of friend who don’t use condoms when having casual sex. It drives me bonkers. They’ve stopped telling me about it now because I get SUPER judgey about it. I never judge anyone about anything but I super judge about my mates not protecting themselves sexually.

  10. Harlow 9 months ago

    “I don’t think men understand this but it’s actually very difficult for us women to control our reproductive systems.”
    PREACH IT SISTA!!!!

    Ps
    Have you watched Love Child yet? I have a feeling you might love it.

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      I have not watched Love Child but my mate Woog loves it. Must add to the watch list! :-)

  11. I was all set to disagree with this piece and I’m not even 100% sure why – obviously I accept it takes two to tango but I suppose because what to do with the unplanned pregnancy is usually decided by the woman might be a contributing factor – but that point that if the male doesn’t want to find himself in that situation he could be insisting on a condom every time really changed my stance on the matter.

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Oh I’m so glad the mesage came across. What a great comment! I do understand that the decision with a pregnancy is pretty much the woman’s choice which is why it’s so important for men to step up and be in charge of their own sexual health.

  12. Tahlia Meredith 9 months ago

    Word Smags. I second the slow clap.

  13. Dee 9 months ago

    Love this. I’ve even heard females accuse accidental pill pregnancy on the woman saying, ‘She wanted to get pregnant.’ Um, really? I don’t know how many times I’ve had to emphasis that it’s a fact that the pill is only 97% effective and says so right on the box.

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Exactly! I had a total nut bar comment on this thread (I deleted it because they were an utter fool) but she was all ‘It’s not hard AT ALL to go to the Dr and get implanon, like what are you even complaining about?’. Everyone’s body is different and some women really struggle with contraception and finding one that actually works. I heard about a girl who had 4 abortions before her Dr figured out that her body just flat out rejected the pill. How awful is that?

  14. Caz 9 months ago

    THANK YOU! This drives me crazy too, but trying to argue with people who have this view is often like hitting your head against a wall.

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Totally. I tend to drunk and yell this at young men in bars. Writting the article has proved to be much more effective.

  15. Dr Na 9 months ago

    Well said my dear. Well said.

  16. nope 9 months ago

    First of all, it’s not an ‘innocent mistake’. Beside the fact that pregnancy is a possibility, getting an STI should have been in the back of both their minds. It was far from innocent, It was outright stupid and inconsiderate from both of them.
    She said: “it’s actually very difficult for us women to control our reproductive systems”. NO ITS NOT! So you’re telling me that its inconvenient to ‘waste’ 30-40 minutes of your day once every 3 friggin years to get an Implanon? How about being a mother 24/7 for the rest of your life? Or having Herpes forever? Most of the female contraceptive methods have >95% success rate in terms of avoiding pregnancy. Just COMBINE THAT WITH A CONDOM, it’s not rocket science! Its COMMON SENSE. Besides, there are ways of dealing with unwanted pregnancies. But what about living with Herpes, or HIV?
    She said: “The excuse is never ‘I didn’t wear a condom’ which is usually more truthful” IT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT more truthful. Their responsibility is 50-50: him for not using a condom, and her for not insisting.
    “She LIED and said she was on the pill‘. What a disgusting thing to say. I can’t think of anyone who would lie about being on the pill, especially for a one night stand.” WHO CARES! If she lied or told the truth, it was a ONE NIGHT STAND! They are STRANGERS to each other! He should have worn a condom ANYWAY! If this happens ‘all the time’ and men ‘always have that excuse’ then maybe people should be responsible for their own contraception and STI protection rather than relying and trusting A COMPLETE STRANGER!

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Delete—
      Sent from Mailbox for iPhone

    • Author
      Smaggle 9 months ago

      Okay that is literally the first time anyone has commented with a gif. I didn’t realise that was even thing over here. BRILLIANT!

      • Nicole 9 months ago

        When there are no words, let a gif say them for you.

  17. ColdFacts 5 months ago

    Yup. Men are responsible for what they take into their bodies. Drugs, alcohol, diseases and all. Today I learned they’re also responsible for what other’s take into their bodies.

    Definitely sounds like female empowerment.

  18. maria 2 weeks ago

    I guess that sex is not just entertainment, which some parts of society seem to present it as … I mean, we shouldn’t forget that it is actually about reproduction

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