This will probably come as an enormous shock to some of you but Mr Smaggle and I aren’t actually married. You can un-subscribe if you want to, I’ll totally understand. The reason I call him Mr Smaggle is because it was the fashion in blogging back then to call your man ‘Mr Insert Blog Title Here’. When I tried to change him to ‘Ben’ a few years later my readers went ape-shit and demanded that I return to calling him by his full and respected title: Mr Smaggle. Easy. Trying to decide what to call him in real life however, is much harder.
This issue has been nawing at me for a while. I really struggle with what to call Mr Smaggle when people ask me if I’m married. I work in a creative industry and I meet about 10 new people every week. Inevitably over a disgusting glass of warm champagne at an event, someone will ask me ‘Are you married?’ to which I reply ‘No, I have a…’ and then I’m kind of stumped. What do I have? What word is there to describe a man who is, for all intents and purposes, my husband but we just haven’t signed a piece of paper? All of the usual labels just seem wildly inappropriate to describe the man who I’ve chosen to spend my life with. Here are my current options and their respective consequences. It’s pretty bleak.
If I say boyfriend
‘Boyfriend’ sounds like we spend every weekend at the roller rink eating Red Skins, drinking chocolate milkshakes and having sneaky dry humps inside the bus shelter. I used it for the first two years that we dated but once we moved into together and starting buying things like couches, it felt silly to say ‘boyfriend’.
If I say partner
It’s assumed that I’m referring to my business partner or my lesbian lover. Either assumption is totally fine but both are incorrect, so this answer always requires an extra explanation. I am also not too fond of ‘partner’ because it’s a runner-up word. It’s insulting to some same-sex couples who want to marry but can’t and it’s simply beige for couples like Mr Smaggle and I who choose not to marry but feel like ‘partner’ is an under-representation of our relationship. Also we aren’t ‘partners’ like lawyers, we’re long term lovers and we shouldn’t have to share a plural noun.
If I say man friend
I’m clearly meeting him in a seedy hotel on his lunch break while his wife thinks he’s at the gym.
If I say Ben
The response is ‘Who’s Ben?’ and then I’m back at square one. Either that or I’m left explaining how the hell I’m old enough to have a grown up son called Ben that picked me up from the airport on the weekend.
If I say defacto
I sound like I’m filling out a government benefits form. I’m also pretty sure if Mr Smaggle ever heard me call him my defacto, he’d permanently lose any ability to get a hard on. It’s such an un-sexy word.
If I say husband
It’s fine because people understand the word ‘husband’ and they don’t need any clarification or elaboration. My only problem with this one is if I happen to be in earshot of someone who knows I’m not married. They’ll inevitably start shrieking that I’m not married and it gets really awkward. I don’t necessarily want to call Mr Smaggle my husband (I’m extemely non-plussed about marriage) but sometimes it’s just easier than any of the other options.
What do you think?
Are you partnered up? Married? Divorced? What words do you, or have you used to describe a person that you’re in a relationship with?
59 Comments
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I’m in exactly the same boat. I’ve been with The Guy for almost 13 years, we’ve been living together for over 6 years, and we’re not married. (There’s reasons, they’re irrelevant). I don’t think he’s entitled to being called husband until he puts a ring on it, but like you boyfriend sounds very juvenile and partner sounds like he’s my lesbian lover, and significant other is just too darn long to say. So, he’s The Guy for now, but good grief would I love a better word for Guy I Share My Life and My Home With – We Even Have a Dog – But Am Not Married To.
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My thoughts exactly. I also don’t particularly WANT Mr Smaggle to put a ring on it, so if I really need to find a replacement for ‘partner’ otherwise I’m stuck with it for life!
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Words are so much more fun that work! How about Himself? Best Beloved comes up with all sorts of options when referring to me – Management, Minister for War and Finance, She Who Must Be Obeyed (which I always reply to as She Who Wishes She Was Listened to Occasionally), Baggage, Bag, Dragon, Lamb Chop…. I do think any title needs to not take itself too seriously. You could also scout literature for possibles – Cyrano maybe?
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I think boyfriend or partner are about the best you’ll get at now. I don’t feel like husband is an earned term or an honorary term, but you’re right about it being hella confusing if someone shouts, “You’re not married.”
I honestly don’t think that saying boyfriend is all that weird. I have friends who are grown women dating in their thirties who have boyfriends–even long term ones. It’s just an accurate description of their relationship.
It doesn’t sound strange to me if a friend describes her person that way. It’s straightforward, and it’s becoming much more common as people like yourself find someone they want to spend long term time with but not to legally marry. Just my long-winded two cents.-
I think it’s also a personal thing. ‘Boyfriend’ feels strange for me particularly because we’ve been together for 8 years and Mr Smaggle was indeed a boy when we started dating he’s not anymore. I have friends in their 30s who use boyfriend and girlfriend but they use it to mean ‘this person I’m seeing exclusively that I don’t live with and I really like them but I’m seeing where this is going’. It’s usually used under the 2 year mark and when they aren’t living together. My friends who live with their partners that they aren’t married to use the term ‘partner’ but it just feels weird you know?
I totally agree that partner is the best I’ve got going for me so I’m hoping someone will invent a more fabulous word I can adopt! 🙂
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While I’m not in this situation, and probably wont be in the immediate future, I’ve always like the word Paramour to describe relationships like this. I don’t think the definition actually fits perfectly, but it’s french and if you say it with conviction I bet you can get people to think they should know what it means and not bother asking.
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Paramour is gorgeous! I only I could say it in a perfect French accent. I fear my Australian twang may ruin it!
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Leman is also a lovely word, but generally applied only to the female variety. If Ben is younger, he could be your Official Toy Boy. We once did a quick survey in our work team – more than half the blokes were toy boys (my own included) – ranging from a few months to several years! Spouse might also be an option. Going along with older words, how about Goodman (or Goodie?), or for a celtic flavour, Man of the House (as opposed to Woman of the House). There’s also cicisbeo and cavalier, but both of those (although appropriate), are so little known that they’d cause even more confusion.
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He is younger! He could be my toy boy! Goodie is adorable! I love that!
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I’m in the same situation. Like you I used boyfriend while in the first couple of years of our relationship, but after we moved in together I switched to ‘partner’. I do agree that it’s bit of an awkward expression (I also feel like people think I mean my lesbian partner), but it’s the best I’ve been able to come up with.
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I don’t mind people thinking I’m a lesbian but it’s not correct so I feel like I have to say ‘my partner, he blah blah blah.’ It’s like people assuming I work in a bank because they saw me in one.
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“He’s my Person to Contact In Case of Emergency”
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He’s actually not my in case of emergency person though. I mean, he is but I always put my mum too because Mr Smags never answers his phone. Like ever. 🙂
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Argh, yeah I get this all the time. Been together 7 years, no intentions of getting married.
I often refer to him as “him-with-whom-I-live” but that doesn’t really work in professional situations.
When I’m speaking Italian, I just refer to him as “mio marito” (my husband). It’s just easier that way.
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If I was multi-lingual with an accent it would make this so much easier. Mio marito is beautiful!
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This makes me giggle. I have the same situation, except instead of ‘Ben’, I say ‘Breece’ and then I get ‘That’s an unusual name….’ blah blah blah. I read a blogpost by a man once who referred to his live in girlfriend/defacto/partner as the ‘permanent roommate’, which I think is fun.
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Oh wow you have a whole extra layer of awkward there. Cool name though. Permanant roommate is cute!
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I so get this post. Mr CAG and I have been together seven years and engaged for six. We planned to get married but as we met late in life we decided to try for kids straight away thinking that it would take some time to conceive. Thankfully this was not the case and I popped out two kids in rapid succession, much to our surprise and delight. However I point blank refused to have a wedding dress with matching sick cloth or quick release for feeding. The other alternative was being pregnant and not being able to drink champagne at my own wedding – also not going to happen. Now I think we are just too tired to get around to organising it. Mr CAG still likes to refer to me as his fiancé which is kind of of sweet. I call him my “hubby” which my mother and mother-in-law call me out on often. I think they just want us to get married for party and the free wine!
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That’s half my trouble, I just too busy to plan a wedding. I also couldn’t for the life of me imagine Mr Smaggle proposing to me. He’s very romantic and says beautiful things all the time but marriage just isn’t something we’re into. We’d be far more likely to have a mutual conversation about it then for there to be a proposal. And YES! My family want me to get married for the party and free wine!!! I refuse! REFUSE!!!!
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I am married (for just this reason – we were very young and ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ just weren’t serious enough. My friend who is unmarried calls her man ‘my person’, which I think is lovely.
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I love this!
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That’s very cute, I like that a lot.
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Hello, my Aunty in her 70’s when I first heard her say of her husband, putting her hand on his arm, “My Man”. Note he was her husband and until his death recently she continued to call him her man. I used to like it but now I am not sure as it was always said with so much love, devotion and admiration about a man who did not return feelings. Different world now and I do not think I could use it, bit possessive (?)
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I say my man, but in more casual circumstances. There’s lots of Irish expacts here too and they say ‘yer man’ meaning your mate or friend or someone who’s name they can’t remember so it can get a bit confusing.
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I had this same issue before we got engaged (and now I’ve been called out several times because I feel weird saying “fiancé” for no particular reason other than it sounds so transient and ooh la la and so still say boyfriend sometimes). I HATE partner because I feel us straighties have stolen this one from the gay community, but what else it there? We need to invent a new term!
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We do! I quite like ‘fusband’. Faux husband. I think I might ligit start using that one!
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Oh I know. Partnered up for nearly 6yrs with intentions to get engaged & married at some stage but not a massive priority for us, which brings this whole other issue of a) what to call him and b) dealing with all the people who feel we should have made it official & be pumping out babies by now and c) people who devalue our relationship because we aren’t married yet.
I tend to use partner as well and just deal with the fact that people never assume it means “the man I love and live with and intend to forever”.
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This is my life. We’re at 8 years and all my younger cousins are getting married and having babies. My mother likes to point out quite regularly that ‘she doesn’t mind if I don’t have children’ but I know she would really love it if I did. That’s half the problem is that people think people like us are in a transitional phase and our relationship won’t be complete without marriage and babies. Those things may happen but then they may not and either way we still have these amazing relationships that are enough for us. You know?
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I hate this dilemma too! We are *thinking* of getting married next year and that would mean I would have to refer to my partner as my “husband” which would make me feel a bit weird and oldladyish because I’d only be 24. So I don’t know how I feel about that… I would never refer to him as a “fiance” because that is too old fashioned for me! So it will always be a dilemma, but one thing for sure is that I would never, ever, everrr use the word “defacto” because that is such a Houso word since the only time I’ve ever heard it used was on the tv show, Housos.
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Mr Smaggle and are aren’t interested in marriage at all rght now but that’s not to say we won’t ever be. Fiance is a strange term I think and quite transient. I think if Mr Smaggle and I ever got married we’d do it really quickly so we wouldn’t have to use fiancé! You and your man have been together for ages though right? I wouldn’t worry about your age. From the stuff you’ve written here, I think you guys are pretty rock solid! x
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I call Adam Fiancé Beyonce! As we are newly engaged I still call him my boyfriend then quickly add fiancé.
But you know, it took me a while to even say boyfriend because I felt so weird like no one expected me to have a boyfriend and sometimes I get these weird looks or intonations from people who are very surprised.
And I really like this paragraph: “I sound like I’m filling out a government benefits form. I’m also pretty sure if Mr Smaggle ever heard me call him my defacto, he’d permanently lose any ability to get a hard on. It’s such an un-sexy word.”
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I remember you’d been together for like three weeks at the Voices party last year and you said ‘I’m going to get my boyfriend to pick me up!’ and you had a little giggle and went ‘Oh my boyfriend!’. It’s a weird word for everyone in a new relationship to start saying, I love watching people try it out. I would never expect for anyone to not have a boyfriend or be in a relationship. The only time I’ve ever been shocked that when someone told me they had a boyfriend was this friend of a friend in a club and it was only because I’d been an eye witness to her making out with four different guys that night and I was like… ooookaaaay. 🙂
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Geez that’s quite a dilemma.
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It is right? I know it’s a total first world problem but it’s a weird one with no real answer.
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Reminds me of the time in my late 20’s of making the transition from “Miss” to “Ms”. There just came a time in my life when “Miss” just didn’t seem right any more. A bit like still using the term “boyfriend” when you are in your 40s, it just feels a bit odd.
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I’m teaching 2 days a week this term at a very posh private school and all the female teachers are just an indistingishable ‘Msssss’ whatever their last name is. It’s bizarre. I think boyfriend is odd of you’ve been together for ages and you’re in your 40s but I think if you just started seeing someone no matter how old you are, that seems like the righ thing to call them!
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I use boyfriend or Manfriend but have the same reservations as you. Best of a bad bunch I guess. I really can’t come round to ‘partner.’ (In fact I pronounce it with a groan and weird semi-posh accent, so it comes out like ‘puuuuurrrhtnerrrrr.’ No idea why, and yet I can’t stop)
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Manfriend sounds really casual to me for some reason, so I avoid using it. I always say partner like that too! It’s weird right?
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Yep. But not as weird as my friend, when we were both about 12, introducing me to “Steve, my mother’s lover.” 12 year olds should NOT be talking about lovers in any situation. Ew. So I’m off that word forever too now.
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I have good friends that refered to each other as ‘special friends’ for years and years. In fact the boy was rather upset that after they were married people corrected him to ‘you mean your wife’.
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Oh I like special friends!
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He’s “my man” and my answer to “Are you married?” is usually “for all intents and purposes”… we have a kid which feels like more of a commitment than marriage x
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I say for all intents and purposes too! It’s about the same thing. 🙂
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for me I’m close to all three of my brother in laws (bil) – except only one is actually my bil But calling someone who has been around for 11 plus years & been through the usual family/life events – death, births, jobs, marriage etc – my sisters boyfriend seems a bit disrespectful
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I do the same thing. My brother has a partner that he lives with and I call her my sister-in-law. I also call Mr Smaggle’s brother my brother-in-law. Because they just are.
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This is one of the situations that make me glad to be living in Norwegian these days (and thinking bilingually): In Norwegian, I say “kjæreste”, which literally means “dearest”. It’s the (gender-neutral!) Norwegian word for boyfriend or girlfriend, but it feels much more serious than boyfriend, so it’s more appropriate for my situation. I can also say “samboer”. This is the person you live with, but in the sense of “two adults in a relationship who share a home” rather than roommate. It can in some cases also mean roommate, but when a 27-year-old refers to her samboer without any other explanation, people generally assume she means the man in her life, and that it is clearly serious. Many people in Norway are also officially “samboere” when they are much more adult than me, including shared accounts, owning property together, having kids etc. and their relationships are usually viewed by people they meet as if they were married. So the reaction is like when you say “husband” – except it is factually correct.
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Love it! Go the Norwegians!
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That is lovely!
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I absolutely love this. It’s exactly what we need in Australia!
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It’s funny, I call my husband My Chris (and that’s what he’s in my phone as) because a lot of people I know are either called Chris or have a significant other called Chris, so it’s just to distinguish that I’m talking about MY Chris!
Back in the day PM (pre-marriage), he was my boyfriend and then my fiance. I guess I stuck with boyfriend cos it was easy and I was aged 20-27 so it was still kind of appropriate, even though towards the end I felt silly saying it and I wished he’d hurry up and pull his (ring) finger out and put one on mine!
When he did, we used to make fun of the word “fiance” and I used to call him my “fancy” and he used to call me his “Beyonce”.
You could call Mr Smaggle your coconut for all you like, I’ll know exactly what you mean!-
I call Ben ‘my Ben’. I think being young makes boyfriend work, but I’m an old lady so I need something a bit different! 🙂
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I started referring to my live in bf as “My mannie” in a theatrical Scottish accent and now I can’t stop.
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I love that! 🙂
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We do have a compulsive need to label and categorise everyone don’t we? What about just simply “my love” – can apply to any couple – married, same sex, defacto – no further explanation required.
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I really like ‘my love’ but it doesn’t really work in professional circumstances. Might make a board room full of editors feel a touch uncomfortable. 🙂
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I call him my Gentleman Caller. I felt I was too old to call him my boyfriend when I acquired him. Although now he’s more of a Gentleman Stayer, so I guess that doesn’t quite work either.
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I like Gentleman Stayer! Adorable!
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I struggle with this too! My partner and I have been together for 9 years and he has a GIRL’S NAME so if I say “my partner Kim” to someone who doesn’t know Kim is a he, they automatically assume it’s a she… Which is hilarious but not correct.
I don’t like to call him my husband, but if people assume that I don’t correct them, because then it saves the whole “why aren’t you married” conversation UGH.
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It’s such a pain isn’t it? At least Ben has a boys name! 🙂
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