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How To Cope When Your Grown Up Friends Are Fighting

How To Cope When Your Grown Up Friends Are Fighting
Carly Jacobs

I had a reader write to me this week and she’s completely heart-broken because two of her best mates are having a fight. It’s so bloody awful when that happens (especially when you’re adults: grown ups be STUBBORN man!) because it leaves her in this terrible position where she still loves both of her friends but they’d rather eat a rusty nail and slime salad than be in the same room together. Here are a few tips for how to cope when your grown up friends are fighting.

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Man on floor with telephone

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Acknowledge it

You can’t pretend like it isn’t happening so if one (or both) of them wants to talk about it, let it happen. Don’t pick sides and for god’s sake don’t tell them what each other said, just be sensitive to the situation. For example group texting them is probably not a good idea right now and I’d avoid tagging them together on social media for a while too.

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Be Neutral

Unless one of them is being an utter dick, most grown up fights are simply about a misunderstanding. If you value your friendship with both of these people you need to remain neutral. That means no bitching, no siding and no gossiping back and forth between them. It’s really tempting to join in but the only way to get your friendship circle back together is to remain in the neutral zone.

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Resist the urge to vaguebook

People think they are being so cryptic and clever when they leave status updates like ‘Caught in the middle. (insert sad smiley)’. Everyone will know what you’re talking about so just don’t go there. If you need to talk to someone, choose a real life friend who doesn’t know your other two friends. Passive aggressiveness is the enemy of peace.

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Gently guide a reconciliation

Again, don’t take sides but gently push your friends to try to see each other again. Say things like ‘She really misses you… I’m sure that’s not what she meant… she’d be devastated if she knew that she hurt you…‘. Keep your words positive and say the same thing to both parties. That way you come out smelling like roses when they reconcile… and if they don’t reconcile then there’s no harm done.

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Give it time

When a person hurts another person, it can take AGES for them to be okay again. If your friends have forgiven each other, don’t rush them. Let things go back to normal in their own time or let the friendship start a new phase that’s different to the old one. Things change and people change so as long as your mates aren’t staring pointy daggers at each other from opposite ends of a party then accept it and move on. Civility might be the best they can manage right now.

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Have you had two friends have a fight? How did you handle it? Did they make up again in the end?

9 Comments

  1. Cilla 10 years ago

    I am an unusual female insofar as I don’t have a close group of female besties…I have close friends who are in different “groups”. Though I have fallen out with one of the girls with one of the groups. I don’t trash talk about her to my other friends; we all agree that it’s best that the friendship not continue.
    I don’t do the “non-speaks” thing; I’m either friends with somebody or I am not. If I’m angry, I tell them. But if they make me angry or hurt often or significantly, I reconsider – life is too short for people who make you feel bad, I have enough people in my life who make me feel good or gently keep me in line.

    Sorry that was a bit of a brain dump.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      I don’t do non-speaks either but it’s more because I don’t get pissed off easily. If one of my friends is a dick to me I always think it’s about them and not me. Saves me a lot of emotional turmoil and I don’t have to waste time being shitty at someone for something that they didn’t even realised they’d done.

  2. workingwomenaus 10 years ago

    Vaguebooking in ANY situation is a no no! Can’t stand it. Great tips Carly

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      I just can’t see the point. It’s so passive aggressive and I think people need to be reminded of that every now and then!

  3. teecee 10 years ago

    We used to be a tight group of three until misunderstanding and hurt feelings meant the other two no longer speak to each other. There have been no fights, no harsh words, just a breakdown in understanding of how the other feels about some significant issues in their lives.

    I can see the hurt on both sides, and understand where each is coming from, but I won’t ever try to explain for someone else. The one thing that I have done though is made sure each knows I am still close with the other, but that I won’t ever share information which may be private. I won’t hide when I am catching up with each of them, and will still drop their name in conversation when relevant. I also always invite both to significant events – I won’t choose one over the other – they are both invited, both aware the other has been invited, and it’s up to them to make the decision whether to come or not.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      I think it’s super important to not pretend that you’re not still hanging out with the other one. It makes their fight seem like it’s not a big deal which is really the first step to healing. I really hope that your friends work it out some day. xxx

  4. Tahlia Meredith 10 years ago

    Awesome tips Carly!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      Thanks love! It’s certainly not the first time I’ve dealt with something like this and it probably won’t be the last! 🙂

  5. Yan 4 years ago

    Hi, I know this is an article you wrote years ago, but I have a question that I hope I can get your opinion on. Is it healthy to not want a close friend to broadcast our fights to her other close friend (whom I’m not as close with), even if it’s to vent and ask advice from? I’m of the opinion that our fights are between ourselves and should be settled between ourselves. But she sometimes will find others to vent and ask opinions from, especially when she’s super angry and doesn’t want to continue fighting with me because I anger her too much and she thinks the fight will escalate and she thinks talking to others will cool her head. I’m up for taking time to cool heads, but I don’t like that she’s talking to others about her fights with me. Is that healthy? Or am I being unreasonable and demanding, or possessive?

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