I was scrolling through my Facebook feed last night and an article popped up about a high class call girl who went on Sunrise and told the viewers that she was providing a public service of sorts, through her business. She was saying that by having sex with married men, she was actually helping their marriages. She claims men come to her because they’re lacking something in their relationship and by filling that void, she’s able to help them keep their marriages intact… or something.
I can’t say I agree with her (I think regular date nights, cups of tea, communication and a little x-rated cuddling can fix a fair whack of relationship issues) but what really shocked me was the barrage of nasty comments in the Facebook feed basically calling her a home-wrecking whore. Most of these comments have been deleted (presumably by the admin) but I witnessed one comment of ‘filthy slut’ with 14 likes before it disappeared.
I may be approaching this with a simplistic view but I think if a man decides to engage the services of a sex worker, his decision has absolutely nothing to do with the sex worker. She is providing a service for which there is ample demand. Sex work is literally one of the oldest professions and it’s highly unlikely to go anywhere while there’s still a healthy market for it. It’s a business transaction, particularly in the ‘high class’ arena where working girls are less likely to have drug dependencies or pimps and are often savvy businesswomen selling a highly profitable product.
I thought very carefully about this and if I discovered that Mr Smaggle had sought the services of a call girl (highly unlikely because he doesn’t really like being touched by people he doesn’t know and also he’s very excellent), I honestly don’t think I’d give a crap who the prostitute was or lay any blame on her whatsoever. Honestly, I wouldn’t have time in-between throwing all his stuff off the balcony and speed dialling my girlfriends to organise a truckload of vodka and sympathetic ears to be delivered to my house immediately.
The 14 likes on the ‘filthy whore’ comment really bothered me. That’s 14 people who quickly agreed with those hateful and quite frankly misdirected words. The fact that a husband cheated on his wife has nothing to do with her. She was doing her job. She wasn’t pursuing this man or trying to steal him away from his family. He came to her and paid her for a service. I do think she’s deluded in thinking that she’s some kind of high-class magical therapist hooker but that’s not the point.
The bottom line is that I don’t think that sex workers are home-wrecking whores. The men that pay them for sex, betraying their wives and families are the ones that wreck homes. The sex worker hasn’t even seen these homes she’s supposedly wrecking. If there exists a ‘filthy slut’ in this situation, the sex worker certainly isn’t it.
What are your thoughts?
If your husband or partner cheated on you with a sex worker, would you blame her? Or him?
53 Comments
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Totally agree, Carly. The sex worker is not to blame. If something is wrong at home, the place to fix it is at home, not by having sex with someone else. If the problem can’t be fixed and when you’ve parted ways, then you are free to do so.
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Totally. I was just so shocked at these people that went all hate spew on this sex worker. It’s just another one of those situations where are women are forced to take the blame for bad decisions that men have made.
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Carly you are right on the money. It is a service they are selling not their bodies and they couldn’t sell it if there was no demand. I also don’t believe that every person who uses those services is doing the wrong thing. Think of disabled people who don’t have partners for example. As you say. Just another situation where the women take the blame for bad decisions made by men.
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I AGREE WHOLE HEARTEDLY! I have no issues at all with people hiring sex workers. I once met a woman who’s husband was a sex addict and he used to visit a prostitute 2 times a week. He never cheated on his wife or sneaked around, he just told her that’s something that he needed and it just works in their marriage. He just leaves the house for an hour twice a week like as if he’s going to the gym. She said it makes him much nicer to be around and it’s helped their marriage. I’m fully supportive of that because it’s a decision they made as a couple (it’s certainly not something I’d be comfortable with but each to their own). It’s the betrayal and sneaking around that bothers me. I think sex is extremely important for mental wellbeing and it should be made available to people in a safe environment. I have do have issues with illegal prostitution and women selling their bodies because of drug dependencies or lack of education but that’s a different argument.
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http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2315806/
This was a really fascinating insight into the lives of sex workers and there is a similar observation made about the fact that these women are not pursuing the men that come to them – I compare it to going to a restaurant and blaming the waitress that you can’t/won’t/don’t want cook.-
Oh that looks good! I totally agree. Also prostitution differs from country to country. In South America for instance visiting prostitutes is just a normal thing that (some) guys do on a Friday night, same goes in China. I think we’re a bit culturally freaked out about prostitution in Australia which is really silly.
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I would be super shitty that I didn’t have a balcony from which to throw his clothes off. But as for the sex worker, no malice.
I have been cheated on by previous partners and the blame never went to the women. Always to the idiot I was in the relationship with.-
I was cheated on when I was 19 and I blamed the guy I was with as well as the person he cheated on me with but I was mates with the person he cheated with so it was a pretty serious betrayal. But we’re actually all friends now as grown ups and we catch up when ever in the same city. It worked out pretty well actually.
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I don’t get this whole “blame the other person” mentality when it comes to infidelity. I know a few women (both IRL and through FB groups and the like) who have a conniption fit if they think someone else is coming onto their partner. Nobody is a relationship’s keeper except for the two people in it. And in a good relationship, it doesn’t matter if there is temptation or offers from others. My partner does fly in fly out work and the topic gets raised a lot in some of the FIFO resource & support groups
True story, my partner got kicked out of and banned from a strip club. They’d ended up there after a particularly boozy boys’ night and one of his friends bought him a lap dance but he didn’t want it so was insisting she refund his mate so they both got thrown out and told not to come back.
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Me neither. I also don’t really understand it when women forgive cheating. I just honestly don’t think it’s something I could do. I trust Mr Smaggle with my entire being and it would just break me if he ever cheated. Not the actual ACT of the cheating just that I had misjudged who he was as person for 9 years. He’s extremely moral though so if he ever cheated I’d be worried that he had personality changing stroke or something. We went out one night with a friend who was having a fight with her boyfriend who was treating her badly and she met a guy and got along really well with him and I was really excited in the car on the way home. Mr Smaggle shot me down HARD and said that until my friend was properly broken up with her boyfriend that he didn’t want to hear about her flirting with a new guy. It was an awesome moment and made me love him even more.
I ADORE that your partner got kicked out of a strip club. So cute.
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Awww that’s super sweet that Mr Smaggle was coming down hard on the “still in a relationship” thing. I have to admit I did love my partner even more too after he told me how he got kicked out haha. xx
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I think those comments probably were made more because of her whole “I save marriages” bullshit than because of what she does for a living. If my husband were to go to a sex worker I wouldn’t blame her, it would be all on him and his arse would be out the door straight away.
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Oh definitely. I wouldn’t be putting up with that shit. I also don’t think it really matters why someone called her a filthy whore. I don’t think it’s ever okay to use such gross language.
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Can u comment on this topic if you’ve never been on the receiving end of betrayal? Everyone’s story, journey, relationship is different… Infidelity is morally wrong, no doubt about it, but it can highlight and form a catalyst for communication and a fresh start for some couples. I was cheated on, I am in the process of forgiving the act and we, as a couple, are repairing the holes our marriage had which led to the act, not justifying it but understanding it. Hate levelled at the “other” woman, albeit a prostitute, is unhealthful and unhelpful and wont stop it continuing or erase the knowledge it happened.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve also been on the receiving end of betrayal (I was very young so it’s not a massive issue for me) but I’m very good friends now with both the guy I was with and the person he cheated on me with. Everyone’s story is indeed different and there’s no need to throw hate the other woman. Good luck with your marriage EC, it sounds like you have a wonderful and positive attitude about it. xxx
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I’d blame the husband every time just as I would if he had a mistress…they are the ones that know they have wives or significant others. Whether the prostitute knows he is married or not, HE is making the decision to cheat and, like a lot of less-than-legal services that continue in this world, if the demand wasn’t there, people wouldn’t need to supply it.
Prostitutes (or real life mistresses) may tempt the husband to the point of no return but ultimately, he is the one unzipping his pants through choice!
Toni-
Exactly. If there was no demand for it, it wouldn’t need to exist.
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Haven’t seen the story but sex worker or completely random other woman (eg dating site, bar pickup) theoretically makes zero difference to me.
Not that my husband ever even would, but IF he did? As long as I had no prior connection to that third party (friend, acquaintance etc) the direct responsibility for pursuing that choice goes to the spouse who chose to stray. What circumstances were involved for him to do so, is a separate issue again, which is the next area to look at, not the other person.
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I do think the lines are a touch blurred with cheating. I don’t know why but if I was a single sex worker, I’d have an easier time sleeping with a married man if he paid me than if it was just for fun, regardless of whether or not I knew the wife. I do definitely think it’s 100% the man’s fault for sticking his dick where it doesn’t belong but if it’s a friend or someone you know that’s cheated with your husband I think it’s pretty justified to send the woman to spanky town too. 🙂
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I honestly had to re-read this question because I was like whaaaat. Why is the sex worker at fault?
If you are in a relationship and you make a bad decision (whether it’s making out with your colleague, a one night stand or a sex worker), then you wear the consequences.-
Totally! That’s why I was so shocked at the comments… I was like ‘Really??? There are actual people who think like this???’
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It’s definitely misplaced anger towards the sex worker; they are there to provide a service and are not the cause of any relationship disruption. I’d even go so far as to say in some cases, ‘the other woman’ in an illicit affair most likely has nothing to do with it. Frankly, I’m a little tired of men being allowed off the hook when it comes to contributing to the breakdown of their relationships. They are the ones in the relationship, and they and their partner are both responsible for for the health of that relationship, by communicating and trying to work things out before the relationship gets into such a dire state. There also should be some degree of recognition that both parties probably contributed to the ill-health of the relationship. Perhaps by heaping blame on the other woman, it (even subconsciously) lessens the contribution of both partners to the demise of the relationship?
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Oh definitely! I think it’s important to acknowledge that people cheat for a reason. Men often do get let off lightly in situations like this. Although I do wonder if sometimes the hate is misdirected so that women can forgive their husbands. It doesn’t make it right or sensible but perhaps it’s a form of self preservation.
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Ok, going psuedo anonymous on this one.
I worked as a manager/ bookkeeper in a very well known South Melbourne brothel for many years. All of the girls who worked there did so under their own volition, and, in fact, many were single mums providing for their kids or uni students studying medicine or engineering or some other vocation that required them to do 40 odd hours of uni a week. So working a Saturday morning shift at Woollies wasn’t going to cut it if they were supporting themselves.
Back on track, majority of the time, there were no acts of a sexual nature involved. It many of the cases, the clients weren’t just looking for sex – they were looking for intimacy. Many men had been married for years and found that, once kids, a mortgage, life in general, there was a lack of intimacy. A lot relayed back that they missed having their ‘old wife’ back. One who wanted to cuddle and chat spend quality time with their partners. I’m not blaming the wives of these men for one second, but when a man is paying a hefty sum just to talk or to cuddle- it does leave one wondering.
Having said that now, I do make an extra effort with my partner, even when tired, just to ruffle his hair, give him a kiss or remind him that I do love him. Despite what 10 hours in an office has done to my mood..
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I totally agree and I do think it’s double sided. Women often feel just as neglected as men but far fewer act on it. I think the main thing is to just be awesome to each other! Thanks for your comment – that’s so fascinating! Would you mind (possibly?) being interviewed about your experiences?
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Not a problem at all. It would be a pleasure.
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Oh you nailed it, but seriously half the time the women who think this are the ones who are oblivious to why their husbands have gone to the sex worker in the first place (not all but most). I take full responsibility for my relationship, its not perfect but I work on the things we need to work on and likewise does my partner. If he chose to cheat on me, it would be over and I really couldn’t care about the who or the why. I totally agree with you that the sex worker is not to blame.
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It’s not even a factor in it. That’s why I was so shocked to see those comments. It actually concerns me that people like that exist.
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I witnessed an actual throwing of husbands stuff off a verandah (not quite a balcony, but it was a high verandah) It was black garbage bag after black garbage bag of stuff smashing on the driveway below. The husband came home mid throwing and the wife must have had a stash of things particularly precious to him, that she began throwing AT him as he got out of the car. It was like watching an episode of Jerry Springer through the blinds of my porch. I felt for the lady, it was just awful, but I couldn’t look away! Infidelity is an ugly bitch, but of all the blaming I heard, I didn’t hear her blame the other woman once.
Great read. 🙂-
Wow that sounds amazing. I wouldn’t have been able to look away either. That reminds of How To Make An American Quilt where one of the sisters sleeps with her sister’s husband. When the wife finds out she smashed everything in the house then cements the bits and pieces onto the walls in the laundry. It’s quite beautiful actually. But then she forgives the sister and smashes it all down. I’m totally watching that movie tonight.
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him. end of story, but then again, you have to ask why he needed to go and get that “service” in the first place. It usually takes two to stuff up a relationship!
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I definitely think there’s truth in that. It just makes me sad that some men think cheating is the answer before trying to work things out properly with their partner.
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I am one of those women whose partner has cheated on her with prostitutes… several times over the course of our decade-long relationship.
I won’t lie – it’s not been fun. In fact, it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me. He did it (does it) for complicated reasons, with mental illness the underlying factor. Each time it happens it is when I am going through a rough patch in my own life; when my mum died, for example, or when I was unemployed for several months and suffering depression. It’s the routine with us now. When I need extra support from him, his anxieties react defensively and he seeks the services of a brothel as a way of punishing himself and appeasing angsts. It’s our personal, terrible tradition. He’s sought therapy to try to deal with it. We work things out. I take him back, every time, because I love him, and kind of hate myself. He does it again. And again. He barely tries to cover his tracks anymore. I always find out.
I wanted to explain all this to highlight the complexity of why committed men use prostitutes and the life shattering impact it can have. But throughout all that, not once, not ever, not for a single second, did I resent or blame the prostitutes he saw. They are not responsible for his illness or actions. I also want to offer a different perspective to all of those commenting here who say they would immediately dump their man if he did such a thing. I would have said the same thing ten years ago. Maybe I just need a good balcony 😉
One of our ways of working through all this is my insistence that he donate monthly to a charity that supports victims of domestic violence – as a way of ‘undoing’ some of the damage he has done by contributing to the devaluation of women. The prostitutes he usually sees aren’t career sex workers (whom I actually admire). They’re highly exploited, often abused immigrants or drug addicts. He gets off on being around people who are sadder than him.
This is way more than I planned to share here. Thanks for writing this blog, Carly. It’s been cathartic for me to read the article and comments here, and I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
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What an amazing comment. Thank you so much for contributing to this conversation. It IS such a complex issue and I thank you for sharing your insight. I think you’re quite spectacular to be honest. What a wonderful and thoughtful response to your husbands mistakes. It’s so easy for us all to sit here and say ‘Yeah I’d kick him to the curb!’ but it’s not always as simple as that. I think you’re marvellous for being brave enough to work through this with your husband and to understand the deeper issues behind his behaviour. I wish you so much happiness and love Matilda, you deserve it. What a brilliant human you are. x
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I wouldnt blame the prostitute at all. It’s not like he or she actively chases down the partner and seduces them. I mean isnt the way it works is that one seeks them out? If it was with someone who wasnt a paid sex worker then yes I would be hunting them down but not a prostitute. That said I dont agree with what she said about keeping marriages together… if trust is broken then I would imagine it wouldnt be an easy feat to repair it. I hope I never find myself in a position where I know first hand. xx
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I agree, I always think the responsibility for cheating lies with the cheater but there IS a difference between cheating with a prostitute or cheating with a real person. I think cheating with a real person would hurt me more. If it was a prostitute I’d be more gobsmacked than anything else.
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Whether it be a sex worker, co-worker, or just some random woman, I would always blame my partner. It is not the “other woman’s” responsibility to remain loyal to me (although I would question her morals a bit, I really wouldn’t care about her).
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I agree, I’d question the morals of someone who wasn’t paid to sleep with my husband more than someone that was paid. It’s interesting isn’t it?
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Super interesting – I agree that cheating with a ‘civilian’ is way worse than cheating with a sex worker. Maybe because I think a ‘civilian’ has more power and control over her choices and actions . . . ? I know a woman who had an affair with a married man who eventually left his wife and kids to be with her, and I still find it utterly shocking that they both went ahead and did that.
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That makes me sad. I do think people should have the right to be with people that they love but cheating is so nasty. I think if you want to end a marriage it should be because you’re unhappy, not because you’ve met someone else.
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I would most definitely blame the person in the relationship, not the third party; with the exception of that third party being someone you also know; and then I think they’re both to blame. I am 100% sure this is something I, thankfully, will not have to deal with. Your description of Mr Smaggle in the parentheses, basically describes my husband exactly.
The original gross comment that you saw and the 14 people thumbing it up are all following a sexist social system. I think if the 3rd party had been a woman of a non-sexual occupation, she would still have been the person many people blamed and used derogatory terms against. But if you turned the table and it was a wife/girlfriend cheating with a 3rd party man, I almost guarantee that the shitty commentary would be aimed at the woman in the relationship.
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That’s an excellent. Women cop the brunt of both situations and it’s absolute bullshit. I’m the same as you – my partner cheating on me is not even something I would consider. I was chatting with him about it last night and if I found out he’d been to a prostitute I would worry that he had a brain altering tumour or something.
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Definitely the husband. The sex worker is doing her job. And generally they are very clean (STD wise) and it’s safe sex. It’s his choice to sleep with her and use what is presumably the couple’s money to pay for sex. I would still call it cheating unless the wife/partner knows about it and is okay with it. But I’d rather that than him cheating with another woman, where feelings and emotions are also involved. Even worse if it’s with a friend.But yes, don’t blame the sex worker, that’s her job and it’s a legitimate one because there is a clearly a need for it. We all need to make a living.
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Oh gross! I never even considered that – using the combined family income to pay for it. That’s so nasty. I totally agree. My mate said on Facebook yesterday that she doesn’t love that her husband buys a giant jar of olives and eats them all and feels sick but she doesn’t blame the person at the deli who sold them to him. Perfect analogy.
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Totally agree.
Nothing to do with her at all.. She is providing a service that there is demand for.
HE decided to seek her out, book time with her, pay her, and have sex with her. All his choices.
I think woman just like to blame someone else. But its immature to sit there and type big tough insults behind a computer screen. -
Yeah that’s true. People are so brave behind their computer screens. Makes me very cranky! 🙂
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This fear of sex workers is sad and embarrassing. Grow up, ladies.
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(I meant that in regards to the facebook commenters, by the way)
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I’m very late to the party, and I imagine might be opening a can of worms here; but if my boyfriend were to cheat on me, I’d honestly be wondering what role I had played in the situation, and not just blaming him.
Yes, that is very easy to say with a level head and no real fear that he would ever cheat on me; but I have to ask why is the one who cheats the only one to blame in this situation?
Relationships are always a two-way street, and while yes, it takes one person making a concious decision to cheat, surely there are a multitude of factors that lead to this point? I’m not trying to say that if you’re unhappy in your relationship that you have a right to cheat, but surely if there is some responsibility on the part of the partner who is cheated upon? I’d personally feel like I had played a role in leading my boyfriend top cheat if he had. I wouldn’t take all the blame, but I would acknowldge that being half of the relationship, I had a role to play there.
I also think that it is interesting that almost everyone who has commented here has said that they would blame their partner, but no one else would blame themselves.
I’d also be much more open reconciling with my partner if the cheating occured with a sex worker, as opposed to some random in a bar, or worse still a friend or colleague.
Anyhow, that’s just my two-cents worth. Really well written piece Lady, and killing it with this discussion you’ve generated! Thanks so much for publishing this 🙂
Xx
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That’s a really good point.
If this situation did happen I probably would blame myself, probably more than I should. But ultimately it’s your partner who made that decision not you. Regardless of what circumstances lead to the cheating, it was his decision to go ahead and do it. Maybe we were poor communicators, maybe we didn’t connect enough- but that’s no excuse and no reason for him to take any less of a responsibility.
That’s just what I think though – of course everyone is different.
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I’ve actually been up front with the 2 men i’ve been in long terms relationships, that hiring a sex worker is something I’d be open to discussing. I tend to think a lot about everything, and I always figured if there was something sexual I couldn’t provide in the relationship, i’d rather have an open dialogue about it, and i’d much prefer they went and paid for a service then to start an affair with someone. It’s never happened, i’m lucky my partners have always been on the same page of me. I certainly wouldn’t blame the prostitute.
Also to note, since i was a bit older and my Father told me one day, that one of his clients (he’s an accountant) is a Madam. He will mention things over dinner and I remember asking about what she did. I’d gone to her apartment when I spending a day with Dad and it was a pretty amazing apartment. So, I think in a way, I’ve grown up thinking it’s very much a business, hearing about the money side of things. -
If the sex worker realises that the client is married, isn’t it appropriate for her/him to find out if the contract between the married partners (ie, the marriage contract) specifies fidelity or an open marriage.
Otherwise, if the two partners had agreed and signed up for an exclusive relationship, surely the sex worker is potentially open to be charged as an accessory to breach of contract if s/he sells a sexual services to a client in a (supposedly) monogamous relationship. -
While it’s probably irrelevant now & about six years too late (at least for the rest of you) to comment/respond to this article & its comments/commenters, I just want to say THANK YOU. (Not going to elaborate further on why, but it suffices to say you all have replaced a sad grimace with a smile, and given me some very, very helpful feedback where previously only a nagging shame existed). Need to give a warm shout out and “thank you” to all the women who contributed here; particularly though, perhaps, to commenters Matilda & Natalie for their captivating/candid responses, and of course to Carly Jacobs for writing such a thoughtful article, as well as her amazing responses to the commenters. Everyone – my sisters, though half or so a decade and um a questionable President too late – please take a bow. ?
