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The One Thing I Wish I Could Un-see

The One Thing I Wish I Could Un-see
Carly Jacobs
WARNING: This is probably the grossest post I’ve ever written. It involves amateur porn and many, many  euphemisms for sperm. Proceed with caution. 

 

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ave you ever seen something and then immediately wished that you could go back in time and un-see it? Like a certain internet video involving two females and a… erm… vessel? Yes I have watched it because I’m completely disgusting. I’m also totally FOMO. I’m all ‘Oh don’t look at the gross thing without me! I want to be involved!’ I get a kind of sick pleasure from nasty things like pimples, infected wounds, road kill, mouldy food… I’m not proud of it but it is what it is.

Of all the gross things I’ve seen, there’s one thing in particular that I would totally take back if I could.

It was circa 2002. I was wearing hipster jeans, some kind of spaghetti strap singlet top with sequins sewn on it and my trusty Dr Martins. I was at a party at my mate’s house, let’s call him Alex. My friend Jo and I asked if we could go into Alex’s bedroom to play some music on his computer and he said it was totally fine. He had an amazing MP3 collection, which was super cool back then. We decided to make a mixed CD because he actually had a CD burner which was like ‘Wow! Technology!’ We went to get a CD to burn the album and I clicked on the wrong folder when I came back to the computer. Up popped a giant selfie style picture of a naked dude..

Screen Shot 2014-09-18 at 3.54.10 pm

With a giant erection and jizz smeared all over his chest.

JIZZ SMEARED ON HIS CHEST.

We were utterly gobsmacked. Why did straight-as-an-arrow Alex have a whole folder of naked pictures of the same dude? Photo after photo of this purple headed cock and the ever present artistic smear of sploodge on his chest. It was baffling. We flicked through them and decided it was definitely the same guy, definitely the guy’s own jizz on his chest and definitely a bit bizarre that there was a whole series of them.

As we were sitting there, staring at these pictures in utter disbelief, I noticed something really familiar in the background of the photos. It was a picture of an alien smoking a joint with a slogan that said ‘Take me to your dealer.

Very slowly I turned around to look at the alien poster stuck to the wall behind me. It was Alex’s dick. He had an entire folder of pictures of his own dick and self applied pearl necklaces, just casually sitting on the desk top of his computer. Jo and I had looked at EVERY SINGLE ONE.

We quietly closed the folder, shut down the computer and shuffled back out to the party. We then sat in a dazed stupor for about three hours unable to speak or make sense of what had happened.

I’m not judging Alex at all for his behind-closed-doors-activities. I just really wish that the door had stayed closed. There’s something deeply disturbing about accidentally seeing an erection… and then figuring out that it belongs to that guy who sat next to you in English Lit.

I haven’t seen or spoken to Alex in about 12 years as he’s moved overseas but he never found out that Jo and I saw his secret stash of personal money shot porn. I’ve changed his name in this to protect his identity, although none of my close mates ever met him anyway. I highly doubt he reads Smaggle or even remembers me but ‘Alex’ if you’re reading this… I accidentally saw your dick… and your jizz. So that’s a thing. Sorry dude.

What’s the one thing you wish you could un-see? And how many of you are going to say The Human Centipede?

25 Comments

  1. Christine 10 years ago

    I have no words – is ick a word? I have nothing so dramatic, but there was an email going around recently supposedly about a farmer in far NQ who couldn’t figure out why he was losing his sheep. Set up electric fence and caught the biggest effing snake I have ever seen. It had its jaws open, presumably to bite the fence – there was a close up pic of its mouth – totally gross. Showed it to my 23 yo son. Instead of being all macho about it, he groused at me that he’d better not have a nightmare about a snake tonight and flounced off.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      Ick is definitely a word and perfectly describes this situation. I’m totally looking up that photo now.

  2. Bahaha! Human Centipede.. So the other night ‘The Boy’ happened upon this title in a list of movies available for viewing and didn’t know what it was. I don’t even know how *I* knew but I did. I told him not to click on it… The opening scenes = worst acting ever, but anyway … it got to a part where it began to explain the Centipede side of things and he retched and closed the movie instantly. I TOLD YOU NOT TO WATCH IT!
    He still hasn’t seen the Blue Waffle, either.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      I haven’t watched Human Centipede but I’ve heard it’s disgusting. I’ve googled Blue Waffle but I just didn’t think it was that gross… maybe I haven’t seen a REALLY gross one. I’m pretty tough.

      • Yeah, I was snuggled down under my doona while he was on the laptop, I was pretty happy not seeing any of it at all.. I think I just spent too much time working in a call centre full of boys in Canberra and so got to know about a bunch of things I didn’t need to see/couldn’t unsee – for example ‘Goatse’. I was more inclined to think Blue Waffle looked painful than full-on gross.. I don’t like gore though, I think you outdo me there. Other People’s Snot = death.

        • Author
          Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

          I used to teach teenagers. That’s where I saw My Little Pony on a school camp. So gross.

  3. Kate - DDGDaily.com 10 years ago

    Bahaaahahhaaaaa….. so gross… and so funny!! I once found a strip of negatives on the ground (remember those), and I remember thinking when I picked them up “How funny would it be if these were dirty pictures”. And they totally were! It was a naked guy… an excited naked guy… and he was doing what excited naked guys do. But the weirdest/most distrubing part is he was doing it while holding a massive KNIFE under his man junk… and because it was only one strip of negatives, I only saw 4/5 pics… and I have always wondered what happened next (although kinda glad I didn’t have to see it!).

    Moral of the story… men are weird 😉

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      Holy shit do you think he was going cut it off? Amazing! I used to moderate a photo sharing app the Mr Smaggle made a few years ago and that was disgusting. There are lots of things I wish I hadn’t seen from there.

  4. Bec Thexton 10 years ago

    Hahahahah.. oh gosh! I found ‘intimate’ photos of my parents.. when i was 13! Come on guys….. keep that shit under lock and key! I couldn’t look at them for a very long time hahaha.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      I would have had my eyeballs removed. That’s literally what I would have done.

  5. Frankie 10 years ago

    NO I CAN’T EVEN SAY I DON’T WANT TO EVEN DESCRIBE IT.

  6. Michelle Leanne Barrington 10 years ago

    The foulest thing I have seen is a video of travellers who had been bitten by Botsi flies. They lay their larva inside you. I love a good pimple but this was something else. The treatment while travelling was to cover the bite mark with electrical tape and then get tweezers and drag them out. As thick as your little finger. Totally repulsive and totally fascinating at the same time

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      Oh god I’ve seen that! I saw one in someones eye once. That was totally to much, even for me.

  7. Jana Millerj 10 years ago

    Children of the Corn-the movie-terrified me!

  8. Veggie Mama 10 years ago

    Walking in on my mom and my stepdad I hated with the fire of a thousand suns mid-coitus. She jumped off in a hurry, his legs (all three of them) were in the air…. I’ll never recover.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 10 years ago

      Oh my god that’s horrendous. Also… your mom? Murica!!!!

  9. sharonl 10 years ago

    My now hubby and I were at our good friends place for dinner a few years ago with a few other friends. After taking some happy snaps of us all we grabbed their camera to look at the photos and accidentally went too far. Staring straight at us were close up photos of my friends vagina, that her and her hubby had obviously taken. It was traumatising! Not a visual we particularly wanted to see and she wasnt the most attractive person either. We saw all of this whilst they were metres away from us so was quite hard to hide our shock.

  10. Liz @ I Spy Plum Pie 10 years ago

    Thanks to my boyfriends friends I have seen a few movies that I’d like to be able to unsee. Pink Flamingos would be one of them, so many scenes I never needed to have watched. Highly don’t recommend!

  11. Hailz 10 years ago

    Hahaha… amazing. My mixed netball team is called Blue Waffles. Only one person has actually known what that was and most ignore our advice to NOT google it! A previous team was Haggard Flange.

  12. yb 10 years ago

    I can’t stop watching this dr’s videos. He is so polite too!!

  13. That nose video is horrifying and totally fascinating!!

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