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How Would You Feel If Your Partner Was Considering Sperm Donation?

How Would You Feel If Your Partner Was Considering Sperm Donation?
Carly Jacobs
This post is  sponsored by Melbourne IVF

As a ‘woman of certain age’ (I’m seriously going to punch the next person who says that to me) I spend quite a bit of time thinking about fertility and having babies. Not actively, more as a bystander because, as I have discussed quite freely, I have no freaking idea if I want to have kids. Everyone my age though either has kids, wants kids or is trying really, really hard to make a baby happen. My friendship market is baby saturated so the whole procreation game is often in my thoughts.

Melbourne IVF got such a fantastic response from the post How Do You Know If You Want To Have Kids? we decided to team up again to have a chat about sperm donation and how people feel about it.

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I have a few single girlfriends in their mid-to-late 30s who desperately want children and are hanging around waiting for the perfect guy. It breaks my heart because I know that if children weren’t negotiable for me and if I wasn’t with Mr Smaggle, I would have marched my single and fabulous butt straight into a sperm bank and gone turkey baster on that situation, but many people (men and women) feel a bit funny about donor sperm, both using donor sperm and actually donating it.

Even though I’m undecided about having children, I think it’s just tragic when loving couples (same and opposite sex) or amazing singles want to have children and aren’t able to, particularly if it’s a problem that could be solved with a little cup of viable sperm.

There are understandably concerns surrounding sperm donation in Australia. If a sperm donor child was conceived after 1988 they are currently legally allowed to access information about their donor once they turn 18,– this is considered to be in the best interests of the child. Whilst donors have no legal or financial responsibility to the children that result from their donations, they can’t guarantee that said children won’t want to meet them as they grow up, which can be a scary thought for some donors. However, the clinic have told me that men that donate today are fully aware of this and are happy for the possibility of contact with any donor conceived offspring down the track.  Through past experience, when contact is established, the good news is it’s generally positive for both parties, which is awesome.

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I was talking about this the other day with a male friend of mine. We were actually talking about organ donation primarily; I’m a fully registered organ donor because why the hell not? If I die I won’t be using any of my body parts so I just think, once I die, go nuts, my body parts are free for the picking. My mate is also a fully registered organ donor, which is obviously fantastic. We then got talking about egg and sperm donation and that’s where the conversation got interesting. It turned out that I was far more comfortable with donating my eggs (even though it’s a far more invasive procedure) than he was with donating his sperm and this fascinated me because it’s essentially the same thing. If I donated an egg to a fertility clinic to help someone have a child who wouldn’t ordinarily be able to and then 18 years later was contacted by the child conceived from my egg, I can’t help but think that would be kind of cool. I’m not naive enough to think that it would be a totally flawless experience but how rad to be able to help a couple have a child and then later get to meet them? Such a special and totally unique experience.

The choice to donate shouldn’t be taken lightly but if it’s something you’ve considered it’s definitely worth looking in to. Mr Smaggle and I discussed it and we both think we’d be pretty comfortable with donating our baby making potions, especially if friends or family were in need.

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How would you feel if your partner wanted to donate his sperm? If you had fertility issues would you consider using donor sperm? Any readers out there who have children conceived through donor sperm?

 

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33 Comments

  1. Kelly NH 9 years ago

    I think I would be moderately comfortable with it, but having kids myself now, I think it would be hard to just switch off from wondering about said unknown children…..where they are, if they are safe, happy and loved. I love my kids (although they drive me crazy!) and I think missing out on the youngest years would be hard for someone who has watched the part sisters & brothers grow up.
    Although I appreciate wanting to give someone the same overwhelming experience that parenthood brings (both fantastic and shitty, sometimes both at once!!).
    After initially going through the process of looking into IVF & ICSI, we were lucky to have both our kids with a less invasive procedure (Clomid – fkn fantastic stuff!!), I can understand for a small part how heartbreaking it can be to think you may never experience having a family when your heart truly wants it.
    I think ultimately I would want to share the experience if I could, but I don’t know how I would go with never really knowing if there was a child that was a small part of my family out there or not?
    Hopefully that makes some sense!!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

      I totally get that. I think having children of your own certainly changes the experience. I know a woman who was a surrogate for a friend and the whole experience was just so positive and wonderful for both of them. The surrogate has a really special relationship with the child but the mother is definitely the mother. I love how human kindness and compassion can beat infertility. 🙂

  2. Nic 9 years ago

    I would be ok with it. I know too many people who have struggled with fertility. If I can help in any way I would and sperm is a lot easier to donate than an egg.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

      That’s exactly how I feel! Particularly if it’s for family. If anyone in my family needed an egg, I’d be there in a heartbeat. Although if history is accurate we won’t have any fertility issues in my family! My mum and aunties on my mum’s fall pregnant almost on cue.

  3. Poppy 9 years ago

    Really interesting topic! I have discussed this with my husband. As a general rule I wouldn’t want my partner to donate sperm because I would feel that it’s somehow “mine” and I have the sole right to bear his offspring HOWEVER he already has offspring from a previous marriage. So I have already lost that right. Which makes me feel very differently and care a lot less if he were to donate sperm.

    I would also happily use donor sperm because I desperately want children, however my husband doesn’t want to use donor sperm as he does not want to raise children that are not biologically his, for him having children is about the primal need to pass on his genetic code. For me, it’s about wanting to raise children. For the same reasons he wouldn’t adopt.

    The only solution we came up with as a backup plan to if he can’t give me children but I can have children is for his brother to donate sperm. Then it would be my husband’s genetic code. But I’d be worried about what “people would think” about that and would only do it if it was kept secret.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

      I totally get that. I agree that some people might be weirded out by using your husbands brother as a donor but that’s not any weirder than using an anonymous donor. I have a mate who is kind of experiencing fertility ussies and her husbands sister (very drunkenly and very sweetly) offered to donate a egg. My mate had to tactifully explain why that would be a bad idea (invitro incest anyone?). I think the way people feel about parenting has a huge impact on their thoughts on sperm donation. Mr Smaggle and I are very blase about having babies at all which means we’re pretty blase about anyting associated with. That’s the opposite for you though because you feel so strongly about it. Great comment! Thanks for contributing. x

  4. When I was about 22/23 my cousin went through extensive issues while trying to conceive through IVF – at the time I would have offered her my womb, my eggs, whatever – in the end she conceived and now they have a ‘singleton’ and two sets of twins either side of him!
    I was, as you are, comfortable with the idea of giving eggs but now that I too have reached that ‘certain age’ (I might have missed the window, found my second grey hair today!) I feel like I want to keep mine, and my partner’s baby potions, all for myself.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

      Ha! I like that. It’s like if you have a family sized block of chocolate, everyone can have some when you’ve got a few squares left it’s all ‘MY PRECIOUS!!!!’. 🙂

  5. Noneya Bidness 9 years ago

    I would so not be okay with this and its something my partner and I discussed once but I made it very clear how I feel about it. One of the things that comes to mind is…what if my partner and I had kids and then one day it just so happens that our kid meets and falls in love with someone who just so happens to be their half sibling and they don’t find out until its too late and they’ve banged, or worse – have a child. EW. I mean the chance of that happening are SO low and are the kind of thing you see on trashy daytime tv, but still. Another thing is, if my partner and I had our own family and then years down the line some random turned up and was like “oh hey technically you’re my biological father” it would be weird and awkward for our children – and just not something I am comfortable with because I wouldn’t want this stranger feeling like they had any rights or expectations.

    I think if it was done so that those who received the donor sperm had no right or ability to contact the donor then it could be workable, but then there’s the first issue that I brought up…

    A family friend went overseas two years ago for IVF and conceived twins from donor sperm. She seems very happy but I can’t help but feel sorry for her that one day she will have to explain the situation to her children, which will be weird I think. I know that if it was me I would be crushed! Personally, I would rather be told that I was the product of a one night stand than the outcome of a very scientific and complex turkey baster style procedure…

    All of that said – I think that surrogacy is TOTALLY AWESOME and if I ever do have children it will be through using a surrogate.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

      I think everyone would have that thought! The chances are so low but I think it would slip into most people’s minds, particularly if someone is regularly donating their sperm. 🙂 . I have a friend that is what they called back then a ‘test tube baby’ and he’s totally fine with it, as is everyone who’s ever met him. I don’t think there’s much difference between a turkey baster baby, a one night stand baby or any other kind of baby as long as they’re being a raised by a person or people who love them and treat them well. Surrogacy isn’t dissimilar to donor sperm… they use very similar medical procedures if I’m not mistaken. I’m in support of both! 🙂

      • N 9 years ago

        There are two types of surrogacy.
        -Traditional surrogacy is where the baby is related to the woman carrying the baby (or it can be a donor egg from someone else).
        -Gestational surrogacy (or often referred to as a Gestational Carrier) I’d where the baby is genetically linked to the parents who will raise the child but for whatever reasons the mother is unable (or chooses not to) carry to child to term.

        • Author
          Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

          Thanks for clarifying! I meant that with surrogacy it’s still a medical and scientific procedure… like they mix up the baby potion and pop it inside!

  6. Caz 9 years ago

    I’d be totally fine with either, but I think unless it was a very close friend/family member (but I only have boy cousins/brother so that rules out family) I wouldn’t donate eggs until after I have my own children. I do want kids, and heaven forbid I donate the last “good ones” to someone and then find out I have difficulties of my own. I know this is slightly irrational.

    But I also know that kids are non-negotiable for me and if in 5 years I’m in no position to procure sperm from a partner, I’d totally go the donor route. Why not? I’m also open to, and curious about adoption so who knows.

    I kind of understand your mates unease with sperm donation only from the social view that historically it’s been much more publicized and there are far more stories about grown men being approached by their adult children then there are about women who donated eggs finding out about grown kids. As well, the (unfortunate) social expectation of ‘maternal’ women who “couldn’t bear to give their ‘children’ away” or whom welcome them back with open arms at 18, vs it being a much less ’emotional’ and awkward thing for men to discover 18+ years later that a child has expectations of them. All of which I think is bullshit. Its awkward for anyone and there are no guarantees but it’s harmless and helpful so I’d just go for it!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

      That’s actually something I didn’t really consider, keeping the last of the ‘good’ eggs for myself but it’s certainly something to keep in mind. I’d totally go donor. I know lots of my girlfriends who aren’t keen on the idea but I’d be there in a heart beat if I was single and wanted kids.

  7. Lila 9 years ago

    I don’t think I’d have a problem with my partner donating as long as there wasn’t any disparity between the amount of children we had or wanted. Selfishly I want my breeding desires fulfilled first.
    I’m also glad that donor children have the right to contact the donor. As someone who doesn’t know their father and probably never will, I know that not knowing leaves a hole in your identity.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

      That’s absolutely not selfish at all! It’s something that didn’t occur to me until now but now I’m like – you’re not getting my eggs until I’ve had a crack at them myself!

  8. Brilliant post – and a great conversation starter. I think the more we talk about the different ways a family can be created the better.

    My partner and I have two children and I also carry a third in my heart who we lost during my pregnancy…so I know what it is like to so desperately want to hold a baby in your arms and for it not to happen how you had planned.

    I think this is what make me feel open to the idea of egg or sperm donation. We’re not going to have any more children but coincidently over these last few weeks we have actually discussed whether I would donate my eggs. Likewise, if my partner wanted to donate is sperm then I really wouldn’t have a problem with it….simply because I know what it is like for every fibre of your body to want a baby…and if there is something I/we could do to help someone with that dream, then I would do it in a heartbeat.

    xx

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 9 years ago

      Thank you! I totally agree, I think it’s really important to have discussions like this. What a beautiful post. It does seem that women (and men) get a bit more generous with their sperm and eggs once they’ve had kids which is so lovely. I’m still undecided on kids but I feel so terrible for people who want kids and can’t have them.

  9. nessbow 9 years ago

    I don’t think I’d have a problem if my (hypothetical) partner wanted to donate his sperm. I don’t want to have children of my own, but I would be more than happy to assist a couple or single person who does want to have a baby. I’ve actually offered my eggs to one of my reproductively-challenged friends, and although she turned me down, I would happily have gone through with the procedure if it meant that she could have the child she wants so badly.

  10. Amanda Tompkins 9 years ago

    But we both wanted a baby, and then found out he is sterile. We were asjed about donor sperm. My Husband was angry about this. He said no otherbman sperm is going inside you. That would not be my baby. I still was a baby I know that he would be there for the dhild but why should I need his permission to have a baby.because he cant make one we cant have one. I should have to suffer just because he is. I want a baby regqrdless. Permission he his not my parent.

  11. Chris 8 years ago

    My bio-dad, as I call him was a married doctor in 1980 when my parents sought fertility help. It was kept secret until I discovered one little phrase in an old medical record in 2004. I found him with a DNA test and a mountain of genealogical research, and we have lunch from time to time when I’m in town. As a person who would not exist without his willingness to go beyond the social norms of decades past, I could not be happier that he did what he did.

  12. Van 8 years ago

    Advice Much Needed–Hi, I am reaching out because Im struggling with knowing how to feel in a recent situation. Long story short, my boyfriend and I have been together just over 3 years (both of us 29yo). When we met he told he was a sperm donor back in college and has explained the reasons for doing it, he also believes in helping those that cannot conceive and think it is a beautiful thing. He has also explained that although he loves children, he never wants a family of his own, due to his lifestyle (entrepreneur/heavy into creating new business) and knows he would never be able to commit the time/energy to a family. I am indifferent about children as I work with children for a living and am a second mother to my sister’s kids. I understand exactly what the responsibility entails and truly no desire to have children, esp at this time period in my life. If I ever became pregnant later down the road (@ least 4-5 years from now, I cannot say what my decision would be, to keep or not keep the pregnancy) I completely understand my boyfriend and his reasons for being a sperm donor and why he would not want a family of his own, but recently one of his donor families reached out to him and asked to meet the child.
    I have never thought about him being a sperm donor throughout our relationship because it has never affected his life/ours until now. He felt mixed feelings about meeting the little girl, but agreed to meet her. He had such a wonderful experience with her and refers to her now as his daughter. For some reason, it makes me extremely uncomfortable that he refers to her as his daughter. I feel bad for feeling this way, and have been self-reflecting, asking myself, ” Are you bothered because he would never consider a family or child with you? Or that the little may become a regular part of his life?” Ive always known he’s never wanted a family, and again, children are no where on my radar nor do I think they ever will be, but it hurts me (in some way that I cannot understand). It is difficult to speak about the situation with him as he tends to become defensive and tells me I’m overthinking/stressing over nothing. I want to explain to him how I feel, but struggle to because I can’t understand my own feelings…Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

  13. yvonne19671 8 years ago

    I would like to say to Van I am in a sort of similar position right now and my heart is hurting like hell . I have experiencd numerous ivf procedures to no avail, when I was married. My new partner had gave a sperm donation before were together, he did want to be a coparent , to cut a long story short my feelings which I dont even know right now, have been put on back burner. The woman who has had his child is starting to cause parental rights problems already as I am understanding. I wasnt included in any first contact with mother and child (his flesh and blood) as its his sperm, and feel that my feelings or thoughts dont matter, I love kids and have always had the desire to have and have never conceived, and now my partner has with some girl who il probably never meet, and have very little insight to her expectations etc. Sorry for going on but I cant get my head round 2 single people time of conception artificially inseminated, now trying to build some kind of relationship for or with a child between them and making me feel selfish for my thoughts , when I feel that is aselfish act on both there parts . Jusf sad situation and any comments or advice could help thankyou

  14. Katie 7 years ago

    Hi I’d like some advice if anybody can offer any. My husband and I discovered recently that my husband can’t father children as a result of an operation for undescended testicles when he was an infant! We had been trying for 2 years before we found and are totally devastated. We’ve been offered donor sperm for insemination everything is in good working order for me. However my husband can’t get his head around it and I’m not sure he will ever come round to the idea. He feels it would be a betrayal me carrying someone else’s child and thinks he’d prefer to adopt, but is still unsure about that and the difficulties that come with it. With the donor he’s worried what people will think, how he’d feel, if he’d bond with the child, what we’d tell the child etc! I’m really struggling to come to terms with not carrying my own child and the thought of not having the opportunity to start from the beginning with a baby of my own. I want to be a mother so badly and have so much to give, it hurts so much. I don’t want to push my husband and ruin our marriage. Equally I’m worried that I’ll resent him for not giving me the opportunity to have a child. I think atleast it would be biologically mine and surely he’d love it because of that, to me it would be the ultimate sacrifice for the women you love and it hurts deeply to think he won’t give me that! I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do!!!

  15. s4y7l26lp3 6 years ago

    I would really like advice, too. My “partner” is still undecided about a family or children, and the first time he considered impregnating me was for egoistic reasons (he feels the biological need to leave legacy). I have agreed to his every wish, I have accepted to have as many children as he wants, to raise them by myself alone without his help, to never have his children meet him, to never have him be around unless it’s for impregnating me again. But it seems like it isn’t enough as he wants as much genetic variation as possible and thus needs plenty of mothers. I am horribly heartbroken over this and I think that is purposeless that he has children with me if I am just one of his replaceeable harem of mothers. He also says he wouldn’t care if I donated eggs or became pregnant by someone else as long as I never had another man’s reproductive organs or sperm inside me, so this makes me feel like I am in the wrong for feeling so torn that I can’t accept he has children with anyone else.
    Am I in the wrong and overreacting?

    • Heartbroken 6 years ago

      Update:
      He’s clarifed he absolutely refuses to have me become pregnant by anybody else. I thought the issue was settled because he keep insisting it’s a thing that’s really “at the back of his mind”. Well
      Yesterday he’s just told me that discussing it so much has made him really want to do it. He’s going to be impregnating his friend and her (friends’) girlfriend next year. I am seriously considering death

  16. Alice 5 years ago

    I am devastated by the fact that my husband was a sperm donor years before he met me, despite being informed about it early on in our relationship. Now that we have children of our own I struggle even more. It kills me to know there are others out there that might one day turn up and claim they are my children’s half siblings, or want information about my husband claiming he’s their ‘dad’. I would advise against sperm donation unless it’s a familial setting and all parties agree. Including the donor’s partner.

  17. Dany 4 years ago

    This is a hard one for me. I really think it’s a matter of how honest everyone intends to be with the child. I was lied to most of my life about who my birth father was. I found out by “accident” in middle school. As the child, the hardest thing was the lie and wanting answers…. Fast forward almost 30 years, and I witnessed the behind the scenes emotions of what happens when a sibling is a sperm donor for his sister in law. (At least the beginning stages of them discussing and then planning it). He was my fiancé. I didn’t find out he choose to be her sperm donor until after she was pregnant. Needless to say, he’s now my ex fiancé for going behind my back. The emotional side, even for him, was difficult. He came to me one day saying he wanted to have a kid. Of course, I was on board because I was ready when he was. Thing is, I have since learned that was his way of dealing with the guilt and even looking for a way out. She swore him into secrecy along with the brother and father who all knew. I highly doubt any of them actually thought about the child at all, or my fiancé or the effects it can have on relationships. As a child who found out her dad wasn’t her biological father and as a woman who saw the emotions of the sperm donor and the desperation of the sister in law, I’d say carefully and closely consider and discuss how things will be handled for everyone involved. The child’s not even here yet, and the emotional turmoil caused thus far is already high. I think it’s amazing what science can do. I think it’s amazing those who cannot have kids now have a way to do so. As amazing as it is, never forget the life that’s being created and how this will affect him or her. Everyone has a right to know where they come from, and I promise lying about it isn’t the way to go. It causes more damage than good.

  18. Dave 4 years ago

    My partner is about to donate sperm to a lesbian couple (donating to both partners) who are his best friends, so although there is no intention of being a father he will be quite involved in the childrens’ life. I was okay with it at first, but I increasingly feel like my feelings aren’t really being taken into account very much, and I don’t have much involvement, haven’t been consulted by the couple directly or involved in any group discussions. So I’m starting to feel like it’s a bad idea.

    To give more clarity, my partner and I are a gay couple and cannot/won’t have kids of our own, as much as I would love to of course.

    If I’m having second thoughts, do I have a right to intervene? Are my concerns normal?

    Thank you to anyone who has advise.

    • Ann 3 years ago

      hello. I am just now in the same situation, my boyfriend had agreed to donate his sperm to a lesbian couple, but it will just be going to one of them, not both. I knew about this before we started dating, but now that we are dating and it was brought up again, and wanting to happen in the next few weeks all of a sudden, I feel out of place. He tried to use the example that if he had a child before we started dating would this be an issue? to me that’s obviously different, we are dating now and I feel like he is starting a family outside of our relationship with someone he is close to. I feel lost, like I do not have a place to say anything but can’t keep my feelings bottled up.

  19. Aidan 4 years ago

    I can tell you from first hand experience that it has been a complete nightmare. My spouse “donated” I say that in quotes because, even thought the law here is that you can’t be paid, the reality is he was paid handsomely by the clinic as are all “donors” so the real term is “vendor” and to be clear, he did it for the cash because it was actually very generous and all tax free.

    First, some of his sperm was mixed up in the clinic and a number of women got inseminated with his sperm against their will and he was never notified until the lawsuits started. We found out through that process that this happens quite frequently, and because the women didn’t consent, technically he wasn’t a sperm donor in their case. Law is still on our side but we have to pay thousands and have all sorts of grief dealing with it and we never got that expense back.

    Then there are the legitimate ones. My spouse agreed to no more than 10 families and so far we are at 64. The clinic says they can’t do anything about it if people don’t voluntarily register and FYI, very few do. There is NO ACCOUNTABILITY! One of the women uncovered my husband’s identity through 23andme and she told the rest of the group that met on the Donor Sibling Registry his identity and now they are all over us. Sending us crap for Father’s Day, the whole nine yards. I think we will have to get a restraining order against these people. Our own children are completely distraught (one of the sperm mothers showed up at my daughter’s hockey practice after stalking us).

    And trust me, these kids are not necessarily growing up in ideal circumstances – that is all marketing bull. 40 percent of these kids have single moms and a good few of them lost their jobs in the recession and have no economic back-up. Some of these kids are living in really dire circumstances and my husband is in counselling feeling guilt about giving his kids to these people.

    Up to you but my advice… why put yourself through this? Because you want to spread your seed? Make a better contribution to the world. And save the planet while you’re at it.

  20. Summer 3 years ago

    My partner was a sperm donor before we met, and only recently has this weighed heavily on me. How will this impact our relationship later when his donor children would like to get to know him? How will it impact our future kids?

    I’m happy that the parents are getting what they want, but it’s given me so much anxiety about our future that I’m considering leaving him. I’ve been considering leaving him for the last six months and if it goes on for another six months it’s over. And all for what? Because he wanted money in college and didn’t think about the consequences. Not worth it.

  21. Anne 3 years ago

    My husband was recently approached by his cousin and asked if he could be a sperm donor for him and his wife as they can’t conceive (something to do with his sperm). So I’ve been thinking about it ever since and are unsure how I feel about it. We have 2 young kids of our own and on one hand I would love for my husband to help them out with having their own kids, but at the same time I might find it strange if I know that their kids are really my husbands kids as well and we would see them at family gatherings etc. I’m a bit unsure what to do…

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