‘m curious about how you eat sweets. If you say ‘chewing and swallowing’ you’re an amateur and I politely suggest you take notes on this post or bugger off and come back tomorrow.
The consumption of flavoured sweets has long been an art form for me. I haveย a strict order of colour preference that is solid, unwavering and based on years of trial and error research. I eat the yucky flavours first and save the best for last. Here’s my method.
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The Smaggle Method of Lolly Consumption (using Skittles as an example and in order of yuckyness)
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1. Green/Lime
Green is always my least favourite flavour so it gets eaten first like the proverbial swallowing of a frog. It doesn’t matter if it’s green apple or lime flavoured, green is a punishment I must endure before I can start eating the ‘real’ lollies.
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2. Yellow/Lemon
Lemon is very blah to me but it’s still semi-enjoyable and is also a good palette cleanser for god-awful green. I prefer a strong lemon flavour too… if it tastes like watery lemonade, I’m going to be pretty pissed off.
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3. Orange
Orange is a very respectable and enjoyable lolly flavour that usually gets a middle to high-ranking. In a packet of jelly snakes, orange could rank higher it’s just that red and purple Skittles are the best thing ever so orange ends up a bit further down the line by default. Soz orange Skittles… try being purple instead.
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4. Red/Strawberry
Now pay attention this is VERY important. Red Skittles are consumed second to last because they are strawberry flavoured. Strawberry is a top flavour in Smaggle taste bud land. IF red Skittles were cherry flavoured, they’d be consumed first, even before stinky lime and possibly not even consumed at all depending on how big a pain in the ass I’m being that day. Cherry is the very worst red flavour and strawberry is the very best red flavour. Are you keeping up? Good.
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5. Purple/grape
Purple is always a good flavour. Grape is excellent, as is blackcurrant. Purple will always be saved for last, even outside the Skittle Kingdom. The only time purple is bad is when it’s accidentally a black jelly bean and then you might as well give up on life after that. Once you’ve had black you can’t go back… everything will taste like aniseed for days. It’s best just to get your tongue surgically removed and be done with it.
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Additional notes
* Pineapple, tropical and coconut flavoured lollies can go fuck themselves. They’re completely unnecessary and they’re a waste of everyone’s time. If I eat a yellow lolly thinking it’s lemon flavoured and it turns out to be some bullshit pineapple mango crap, I will go APE SHIT. I just don’t think it’s too much to ask that lolly flavours be straight forward.
* Ditto watermelon flavour. It’s just unnecessary.
* Just because I don’t enjoy a flavour of lolly doesn’t mean I won’t eat it. I will eat it and I will hate myself and the lolly and the world while I eat it. This is why I have such strong feelings about The Smaggle Method of Lolly Consumption. I will eat ALL the lollies, and that’s why the order is so important. I can’t let my last lolly of the day be a Watermelon Jolly Rancher or a Cherry Starburst because that’s just silly. Hence the method.
* Sour anything is excellent… except cherry. Cherry is always bad.
* I don’t enjoy Jelly Belly jelly beans because I find them misleading. I’ll pick up a nice purple spotty looking bean, expecting grape or blackcurrant and I’ll get mouth abused by something disgusting like Island Punch or Berry Smoothie. Not cool guys. Not cool.
* Chocolate is not included in this discussion. That’s a WHOLE different kettle of fish.
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Do you have a lolly eating method? Or do you really not give a crap?
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63 Comments
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Very sound method indeed. I cannot be trusted with a whole packet of lollies. I must serve myself a portion and PUT THE PACKET AWAY. My latest fad is liquorice allsorts, the English ones (bassets, I think they’re called – see, I’m in such a hurry to rip that packet open I don’t even look at the brand). I proceed to scoff in no particular order, but I do like to peel the layers apart on the multi layered ones. xx
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Putting a packet away does nothing for me. I’ll just go back and get more! I shot this yesterday on a fast day so I had to pour water on the them to stop myself eating them. I’m not even kidding. I’ll partake in a liquorice all sort… they’re Daddy Smaggle’s favourite!
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I concur with your lolly eating method. I don’t trust those Jelly Belly beans either, my kid got a chilli one the other day and ended up in tears!
What about when you pop a yellow lolly in your mouth, expecting lemon and ending up with dirty banana flavour?! Bleugh. Except when it happens to my husband, whose flavour nemesis is always banana, then it’s very very funny watching his reaction!!!-
OH MY GOD!!! Sneaky banana flavour is THE WORST. Banana is tolerable if it’s a banana lolly but even then you only eat them if you’re desperate. I freaking love the idea of a flavour nemesis. Mine would be watermelon I think…
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I bought back my daughter these combo Jelly Belly lollies from the US recently, the yellow one is lemon the other yellow one is snot, red one is strawberry, the other red is canned dog food etc etc….she must eat them with a friend (or her dad). So, so gross, but I got them as it took things to another level.
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Interesting, I tend to eat my favourites first which would be anything tropical, citrus and last on the list and probably something I’m more than likely to give a huge miss, would be licorice.
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Liquorice does tend to divide the people, a bit like beetroot – you either love it or hate it! ๐
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Oh totally! Daddy Smaggle LOVES a liquoirice jelly bean… I hate liquoirce jelly beans but LOVE liquoirice and aniseed rings. I’m a complicated little flower.
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Oh wow we could very easily split a package of lollies you and I… and leave all the liquorice ones at the bottom!
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My lolly eating method is extremely easy: pick all the red/pink ones out of the packet and leave the rest for every/anyone else. Or forcibly give them away because they’re simply not worth eating. Occasionally I can get behind blue but never ever yellow, green or orange.
Chocolate is similarly fucked up but there is more variety to what I’ll eat.-
I can get behind blue… unless it’s bubblegum flavoured. I really only want berry flavoured blue. I wish I could not eat the shit lollies but I just will so it’s not really worth fighting with myself about it. Best not to buy them in the first place.
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Oh my God – this is exactly the order I eat skittles in also. My husband thought I was just being a pain in the arse about it! The only time I will alter said lolly order, is in the case of others eating them at the same time. I will then get worried that someone else will eat all the nice ones, so I aim to eat them first.
I love most forms of chocolate, unless it has dried fruit in it. Then it is chocolate that got all fkd up in my opinion.
Nuts are awesome in chocolate – Dried fruit = bad, a terrible waste of chocolate.-
Oh yeah! I’m a red/purple sniper in a shared situation. Ain’t no way I’m wasting time on green/yellow when other greedy piglets are involved. I’ll eat dried fruit chocolate in an emergency but never by choice.
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hahaha this post was hilarious..best line “* Just because I donโt enjoy a flavour of lolly doesnโt mean I wonโt eat it. I will eat it and I will hate myself and the lolly and the world while I eat it.”
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It’s like that Louis CK quote – ‘The meal isn’t over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.’
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lol Funny you talk about your lollie method, mine with original Jelly Beans I am sure played a part in my BF and I hooking up lol. We worked together and he asked me if I wanted anything from the shops I said yes a bag of Jelly Beans, when he brought them I told him to wait while I poured them into a cup and kept just the Red, Pink, and Yellow Jelly Beans and put the rest in the bag and told him he could have them so they didnt go to waste lol.
From then on he would bring them sorted lol.
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That’s so cute! I love it! Just like The Wedding Planner when J-Lo and Matt Mc hook up because she’s only eating the brown MMs because they have less artificial colouring because chocolate is already brown. Movie love!
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I’m a little scared to admit this in writing but I’m totally racist when it comes to lollies – I only like the white ones! I don’t care if they are vanilla, coconut, lemon, milk … Anything as long as they are white.
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That’s not racist it’s worse! It’s white supremacist!!!! ๐
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hahaha, I love this. I eat skittles in the exact same order as you. I also throw a massive handful of them mixed together in my mouth and chew and salivate at the sugary combinations! My favourite lolly is the Columbine though. I can devour an entire packet of those babies in one sitting. And not just one at a time, at least 3 in my mouth at all times.
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I’m quite partial to a handful throw back and I also love just orange and lemon together. Columbines are amazing but you must have jaws of steel if you can eat three at a time!
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LOL, I don’t think I’ve given lolly eat that much thought! But when I do think about it, I do kind of do that as well. However now I don’t waste the calories on food I don’t like.
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Oh totally that’s why I rarely buy lollies in the first place. When I bought these Skittles for this post I nearly had a heart attack because they’ve totally changed the packaging. It’s a box now instead of a bag!
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Ha ha ha. I love that you just turned lolly eating into a total art form! ๐
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All eating is an art form. For example I had halmoumi on my salad today but I had to eat it first because I didn’t want dressing on my haloumi. #weirdo
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I eat red & purple ones only, occasionally orange, but never green and yellow. I just left them in the kitchen, hopefully someone would eat them ๐
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I think most people are on board with green being gross. This pleases me greatly.
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Very informative post! When it comes to skittles, I actually eat the purple ones first, as I don’t think they taste that good. Too grapey maybe. This isn’t the case with other lollies, when purple is pretty much the best, just like you say. Like in fruit pastilles or wine gums. But back to skittles: red for me is the king. But I am very partial to combo flavours with these lollies! Red and yellow: dreamy!
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Too grapey? TOO GRAPEY??? There’s no such thing as too grapey. Red can be king though… I’ll pay that.
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Green skittles first, because they are yummy and I like a nice flavour to start me off (but only green apple or lime flavoured things. Ambiguous ‘green’ flavoured snakes can rack right off).
Then orange (not a fan of orange lollies at all), then yellow (unless it is a sneaky banana lolly in which case it can go die thank you very much), then red, then purple.
Purple is always the delicious winner of flavour everywhere ever.
And I could not handle a sneaky licorice anything getting into my mouth. Disgusting.-
You like green? You may well be alone there my love… I’m weird because I like liquorice every where (sambucca, actually liquorice) but black jelly beans are gross.
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Good! More green skittles and green starburst gummy apples for me!!
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Hahaha so much fucking YES in this post! Could not stop laughing, especially when you have such gems like this: “Iโll pick up a nice purple spotty looking bean, expecting grape or blackcurrant and Iโll get mouth abused by something disgusting like Island Punch or Berry Smoothie.”
My new favourite blog. ๐ x
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I love that ‘mouth abuse’ was your hook. Welcome. You’ll fit in just fine around these parts! ๐
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Frankly, this is the most important blog post of the day if not WEEK.
Anything cherry is BAD.
I recently discovered dipping musk sticks into chocolate icing #notaeuphemism and almost climaxed on the spot.
When I was a kid I’d bite the top off a milk bottle, pretend to glug glug glug down the milk, then chew the bottle which I’d pretend was made from GLASS but wouldn’t cut my mouth because I was soooo tough.
I eat the strawberries off the top of a strawberries and cream and then the cream by itself tastes so – creamy. And if you buy a bag of strawberries and cream and bag of banana lollies and put one lolly of each in your mouth at the same time?
RYAN GOSLING.
xxxxxxx love you
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I’m so glad you agree. I knew you would. Strawberry and cream lollies are my absolute favourite. Seriously cannot get enough of them.
And you are TOTALLY tough enough to eat glass… don’t try it though. Just know that we all know it.
Oh remember in India the Kit Kats only have 3 sticks???? MAYHEM!!!!
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I like to pick out the red and purple lollies (and blue if there’s blue) out of the whole bag and then leave the rest for everyone else to deal with. I never eat any of the yuck flavors like green and yellow because that would be a waste of calories! I also do this with Roses chocolates – this Christmas I picked out all of the caramel flavors for myself and left the rest, because I’m a dick that’s why.
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See I know they’re a waste of calories but lollies are my kryptonite. Once I pop I can’t stop. And yes to caramel. Always.
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Ha!, I love it. Myself i am not so picky with the order i eat things in. I’m an equal opportunity lolly eater ๐ Don’t know what you have against cherry though, but i’ll take any of the ones you don’t want. Now i want some starburst chews!
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HA! I’ll save up all my cherry lollies and courier them to you… cherry taste like medicine in lolly form. It’s just nasty. I love actual cherries though and all fruit… I think mango is my most favourite fruit but most loathed lolly flavour. I’m complicated.
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Complicated is good. Keeps people on their toes ๐
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I hate eating a yellow lolly thinking it will be lemon/mango/pineapple and it’s BANANA! But I do enjoy eating those banana shaped lollies. Anything red and purple is my go to first and I leave the rest of the yucky flavoured calories to my hubby.
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I’m the same! Planned banana flavour is fine but surprise banana is disgusting.
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Just snorfled with laughter at this. Brilliant! My absolute worst is (UK- M&S) Collin the Catterpiller Butterfly sweets. They combine delicious blackcurrent with BLEURGH lime/lemon flavour! In the one lolly! The HORROR!
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Oh gross! Why would they do that? Cruel and unusual punishment.
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I know! ewwww!
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BAHAHA! Coconut lollies can go fuck themselves indeed. Yuck! Interestingly I eat my Skittles in a particular way too but not in bunches like you do, more like a cycle… so it goes 1 yellow, 1 orange, 1 green, 1 purple, 1 red then start again.
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Oh wow! That’s a first! Just quietly I love eating yellow and orange at the same time! Delicious!
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I defy your system! Green skittles are the best as are white and black jelly beans!
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Oh my god. I’m splitting every packet of lollies with you forever and ever. Although I do like white jelly beans so we may argue there.
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Well actually, I love all lollies although I am a bit greenist and always leave them to last, or “share” them with friends. I am totally addicted to fruit pastilles from the UK. Black and red are my best, (blackcurrant and raspberry) and I have been known to unroll the whole tube to get to my favourite colour first. NEVER come between me and my fruit pastilles. If you do, it won’t end well. Just sayin’.
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Fruit pastilles rock! We used to be able to get whole packets of just blackcurrent ones and now that I’ve reminded myself of that fact I’m really sad that you can’t buy them anymore!
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I agree that the red and purple ones are the most awesome. I like the eat them individually. But the green/yellow/orange ones I will generally eat when combined. i.e. green&yellow, yellow&orange.
Cherry lollies are the work of the devil. But I love, love, love pineapple and watermelon flavoured lollies!-
You can have all the pineapple and watermelon lollies. IN THE WORLD.
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This is fantastic and hilarious. I’m pretty laid-back when it comes to lolly consumption. I like most flavours, and red lollies are the best, whether they’re cherry or strawberry. I’m up for anything. Except cinnamon flavour. What the heck is that?! Although I like Jelly Belly beans, I am wary of them because the red ones are sometimes cinnamon flavoured. The slightly translucent red beans are cherry and the solid red beans are cinnamon. You really have to examine them carefully to tell the difference and occasionally a cinnamon bean will slip through the cracks and make me gag. And you better hope that I haven’t saved it for last thinking it was cherry. Sneaky jelly beans.
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Oh my god totally! Cinnamon lollies? What the actual fuck? That reminds me that cinnamon and Kopico (coffee) flavours are pretty much the only lollies I won’t eat. And candy canes.
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Green is always my favourite ‘save for last’!! I detest orange and yellow, smashing those bad boys first. Interesting… veeery interesting.
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Oh let’s split a pack yeah?
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Yes – cherry flavour is indeed the work of the devil. I eat lollies with gay abandon, but have to eat all the chocolate off a chocolate bar first, then all the other layers individually. Same goes for chocolate covered ice creams on a stick.
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Love this, so funny but spot on. I’m personally very bias to the little ole lolly, I stick to orange and yellow only. Don’t really know why, just have always said no to everything else! Chantal, Seek Dare Love
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Good method. I am constantly on the lookout for a red/orange ONLY King Python. I’ve been lucky once or twice in my life, usually they have green AND blue which sucks. But, like you, I will eat all of the colours but save the red/orange for last. YUM. ๐
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Oh my god, cherry flavoured things are the worst. And, ironically, actual cherries are the best fruit. This strange combination of circumstances has led to me hating cherry flavoured lollies even MORE, because they lied to me and made me think for years that cherries were gross. When I first tried eating cherries for real, it was a revelation, and cherry flavoured lollies stole a good 10 or so years of cherry enjoyment from my life. I’ll never get get those years back, ever.
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LOL too funny! I don’t like any orange lollies! Can’t even bring myself to eat them. I love the Grape, Lemon and strawberry flavours and usually leave those to last so i can savour the taste.:)
