few months ago I wrote on Facebook about an incident that happened on a quiet Saturday night. My partner had expressed a desire for a biscuit and the shops were about to close. I leapt to my feet, bolted down the street, got to Woolies just in time and came home with 2 packets of hisΒ favourite gluten free Ginger Nuts. The point of the post was to outline the hilarity of me having to walk back past all the people who I hysterically bolted past just seconds before, clutching nothing more than a couple of packets of biscuits to show for my panicked sprint down Smith Street.
Several of the comments that followed this update perplexed me a little. Comments along the lines ofΒ ‘He better appreciate that!’ or ‘Why couldn’t he do it himself?’.Β I’m sure there was a loss of translation that accounts for at least part of my annoyance but it got me thinking about the way that men and women are perceived within their relationships and how gender stereotypes are harder to shake than we think.
This isn’t an online exclusive by the way, infact it’s worse in real life. I once told married friends of ours that I bring my partner breakfast and an espresso in bed every morning and they nearly choked on their Pad Thai. The wife said I wasΒ ‘making her look bad’ and the husband wearily enquired what my partner does to deserve that… like as if I would only do something nice for him because he did something nice first.
What I find even more interesting is that if I write or talk about my partner doing something sweet for me, the comments I get are very different. If I post a picture of a breakfast he made for me, complete with a heart shaped sauce drawing on the plate I get comments like this –Β ‘He’s a keeper!’ andΒ ‘You’re so lucky!’ – Thoughtful gestures from women directed at men are seen as submissive and thoughtful gestures from men directed at women are seen as gentlemanly. It’s a bit bullshit quite frankly.
Consider this. If I had done a midnight mad-dash to the supermarket for a girlfriend of mine, I would have been congratulated for being such a lovely and supportive friend. So why is it different when I do nice things for the man I love?
I don’t care whether or not other couples do nice things for each other. I certainly encourage it but if other people want to live a life that’s ruled by paybacks and tallies of who’s turn it is to do a nice thing, to the point where they won’t even share a chocolate bar with each other, that’s not really my concern. What does concern me is the implicationΒ that I’m a doormat for packing Mr Smaggle a lunchbox every day and he’s a hero for making me a cup of tea. It’s a bit insulting.
We’ve been together for just shy of 10 years. We’re well past our honeymoon period and even further past the part of the relationship where we keep trying to impress each other with grand gestures. For the record my partner more than deserved his biscuit delivery that night but it’s not like I was keeping score. The bottom line is that we’re a team and we help each other out whenever we can. He’s not a hero and I’m not his subordinate. We’re two thoughtful people who share our lives and want to make each other happy. It’s as simple as that.
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Do people make the same assumptions about your relationship? Does it piss you off?
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P.S β If you want something a bit silly, uplifting or interesting to read every day make sure you follow Smaggle around on the olβinterwebs β Β Facebook,Β Twitter,Β Bloglovin,Β Instagram,Β YouTubeΒ and theΒ Smaggle weekly newsletter.Β Sometimes I swear thoughβ¦ shit pile.
P.P.S This post was originally published in 2014 and has been updated.
78 Comments
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Well said.
I pack my partner’s lunch too. π
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It’s not even a thing really because I pack my own lunch… packing his isn’t any extra trouble!
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Same! Why not make two if you’re already making one!
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Totally. At our place we kind of do what we’re good at. It’s all about doing our share.
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We do the exact same thing. I’m crap at night so Mr Smags plugs in all my devices and makes sure all my stuff is in my backpack for the morning and I make hi coffee and breakfast. And you know what? He loves it! Bringing him a bowl of cereal in the morning is delightful because he just appreciates it so much even after years… so I’m going to keep doing it!
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Huh, i never really thought about it like that. Our reactions and views are still a bit skewed aren’t they. Makes me take a good long look at what happens around here.
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It never really occured to me until I noticed a pattern of comments. It’s weird.
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It is not about keeping a tally but I remember reading about the emotional bank account. I loved doing little things for my hubby when we first got married. His response was to do very little and expect more. After years of getting very little back I just stopped doing “the little things for him”. Sad but in this case I did feel like I was a doormat. YOU on the other hand are NOT a doormat.
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I thnk that’s totally fair enough and historically speaking many women have put a lot more effort into their relationships than men have, I don’t think that’s necessessarily true now though.
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So hear you sister!
I remember when I worked full time, ran my company and had 2 babies. My husband and I barely communicated other than gasping for breath… no give, no take, just sheer exhaustion. It was a miracle the marriage survived.
However all this hard work paid off and I am now in the fortunate position (many years later) where I write full time and my husband is the main breadwinner.
I love it!
He asks for nothing in exchange. I love to cook and make sure we share a beautiful meal most nights. We now talk instead playing the whole ‘who was the greatest martyr’ one-upmanship bullshit thing that used to plague our relationship.
P. S. I have done the same Smith Street thing, going for an evening walk and coming back with his favorite icecream. It feels so good to do such a simple thing.-
That’s exactly it! Mr Smags is so appreciative if I do something nice for him that I just keep doing because I get lots of kisses and cuddles and they’re great. It’s like a no brainer for me.
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Good on you! My husband is very clean and domestic, therefore he ends up doing the majority of the cleaning duties. I absolutely appreciate it (and sometimes it drives me insane) but I get a lot of comments about it and how lucky I am. But, everyone thinks I’m insane when I get up early on the weekend before he goes riding to make him breakfast. That makes me a bit angry.
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Mr Smags is pretty clean too – he’s always on kitchen duty and I’m a VERY messy chef!
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YES!! Love this post Carly. I packed hubby’s lunch for 15 years (complete with green cordial) and copped grief for doing so from friends. I enjoyed it, it saved us money and he does other things for me. There’s no scoreboard, it just ‘is’. We have out routines, our ways…we complement each other.
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I love the green cordial! What a lovely touch! I once sent Mr Smags on a boys weekend with a fresh batch of slice and the other guys nearly had heart attacks they were so excited. It just doesn’t take long to do nice stuff for people. Plus I just like to make sure that Mr Smags is fed, watered and feeling good because it makes my life a lot better!
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Doing things ‘coz you love each other makes love stay strong. x
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My sentiments exactly!
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It’s the little everyday things that count, that make you feel loved, rather than the grand gestures. I adore it when my husband makes me a cup of tea, or does a sink load of dishes. He brought home Mars bar ice creams the other night- that put a BIG smile on my face! Have you tried them? Best treat ever!
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You know I haven’t had one in years but I’ve got a giant craving now… I love ice cream!
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Being kind to one another is always a good idea. An even better idea is going out of your way to make each other happy. It should go both ways.
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Definitely! π
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I couldn’t have said this any better myself. In our home we do what speaks to our strengths.
Another angle is the one where people think I’m being “kept” or that I’m a “lazy, spoiled princess” because my husband has a job outside the house, and I have a creative based job that I do from home. Often this is because they don’t know about my many mental illnesses, but other times those illnesses are as seen as shitty excuses in some peoples minds.
The thing about both your example and mine is that nobody can really know relationship dynamics between two people except those two people. People who give Anthony and I shit about our situation have no idea that Anthony favours it more than I do, they don’t realise that there are serious, legitimate reasons why we work this way, they don’t know the MANY responsibilities related to our financial/physical/mental stability that I take on, and they don’t understand that it works perfectly well for us.
I think too many people have their societal views on snail mode. It boggles my mind that so many people still think in dated, stereotypical gender norms, and still base people’s worth on their job.It would be one thing if Mr Smaggle wasn’t a lovely chap (which he seems to be ) who didn’t do nice things for you in equal measure, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Helping make the person you love happy? what a bonkers concept! /sarcasm
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That’s exactly right! I have the same thing people think I’m ‘kept’ by Mr Smaggle which is such utter bullshit! We’re both business owners and I support him financially just as often as he supports me, even though we both constantly work and ‘earn’ so to speak. It actually drives me bonkers – I earn my own money, I pay my own rent and just because my partner is an app developer people think we’re swimming in money. So not true!
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I love this article. My husband does not cook. Seriously lacks any type of skill. So I cook and I have some skills so I am happy because if you saw how much he LOVES whatever I put in front of him you would see why we are both happy about this. He brings me a cup of tea in the morning. He is a morning person and I am not. Much nicer being woken up by a cuppa than an alarm. Seriously though the juggle all works out in the wash I think.
I really believe what makes one family dynamic happy is there business and no one else’s.
PS I love a ginger nut with my cuppa too
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Look, I could smash a ginger nut right about now and it’s only 9am!
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OMG! I’m not the only one! Praise be. I have had so much shit piled on me over the years from my friends and his friends and even random people. I treat my husband nicely because to me that is what love is all about. I too have done the last minute dash for a particular craving or fancy, to which friends reply “he’s so spoilt, you have to stop being so nice to him” WHAT, I’m supposed to be mean to him to show him my love?? Love isn’t just words you throw around, it’s what you DO every day that lets someone know you love and care for them. And I love taking care of my family, it what I’m good at.
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Totally! You have to SHOW someone you love them and it makes me happy so I’ll keep doing it!
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Fuck YES! As you know, my man and I have been together for a tick over 10 years now. He makes us both a coffee every single morning, while I make us breakfast. He makes dinner more often than I do. I do the washing because I am fussy and don’t want him doing it. He does the gardening cos he knows I hate to do it (ditto with cleaning the shower). I make us a cup of tea every single night. Relationships are about give and take. Above all of this, he’s my best friend in the whole world and I love him. Why wouldn’t I do a mad dash to the supermarket to get him his favourite biccies? Cos I know he sure as hell would do (and has done) a mad dash to the bottle shop to get me wine after a shit of a day. x
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You just into little routines and it all works out and it doesn’t matter who does what as long as both parties feel appreciated and not taken advantage of!
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Hello, first time commenter here! This topic really struck a chord with me. I often get accused of being lazy or “kept” because my husband takes care of most of the cooking and cleaning in our household (and he gets complimented for being a “keeper”). Friends and family joke that I am the man in the relationship, even implying that I love him less because he does the housework – as if I have struck gold by getting to be a taker and not a giver.
Little do people realise that I love and support him in other ways. When it comes to household activities, I’m the finance person, the organiser, the career adviser (we work in the same field) and long term thinker. He is quite happy doing the “domestic” stuff” because it gives him the control he needs with his OCD and issues with food. We have found a balance that works for us and does not involve keeping score.
So thanks for sharing your experience, I absolutely relate to this one!
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Oh I love your input! It works exactly like that as well – I have a friend who is in the same position as you and her husbands mates are assholes to her. He’s happy and so is she so it doesn’t matter and it’s no one else’s business!
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This is something I never thought about until reading this. Bang on Carly! Shouldn’t we just try to be nice to everyone? π
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Precisely! And not let gender play any role in who we are nice too or be a part of the motive!
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Love this!
My boyfriend does the laundry and clean the lounge room. I do the cooking and clean the kitchen. Simple yet effective because those are the things we like doing!
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Mr Smags cleans the kitchen because I hate it and I do most of the washing!
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i love this post smags!
beautifully put and I agree! … it’s a team effort! … give and take on both sides but no score cards or game playing! … if you can’t be nice to the one you love? … helloo!
men will always be complimented and noticed, if they are domesticated! … what is that?
we are no longer in the dim dark ages! … cheers to you hun! love m:)X-
Exactly! If Mr Smags cooks me dinner everyone is like ‘OMFG!!! You’re so lucky!!!’. I’m like ‘Yeah but so is he!’.
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Love this article. I bring my bf a coffee in bed every morning because I’m already making myself one and he likes to sleep in. No biggie but I’ve had similar reactions from ppl if it’s ever mentioned. As I like to say if anyone is ever getting in a flap about something stupid like that “calm your tits, maaaate”.
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Totally! I’m like chill the fuck out. Like when I bake for Mr Smags everyone is judgey like I’m making them feel bad for not baking or they’re pissed that their partners don’t bake for them. Calm down. It’s just a batch of muffins. Geez.
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You’re absolutely right, and it is very easy to make assumptions. I get irritated about assumptions made about why I do the majority of paid work and my husband, who works part time, does more of the cooking, kid wrangling, etc. Typical assumptions are – I’m so lucky I get to work, he’s so lucky he gets more time with the kids, he’s a keeper because of all he does around the house, he mustn’t be very ambitious so he is lucky he has me. And the reality is, none of these are quite true – there is much more behind them. And there is a lot more give and take than people see (of course – no one really knows what is going on in other people’s relationships).
But more to the point, I’ve found that the assumptions I am often irritated by are the ones I have been bothered by as well, but have not been acknowledging. DO I love my job or do I need to make changes? – and do I have enough time for myself and my family? (that’s why I found the ‘passionate’ post interesting the other day, and I made a link straight to work), DOES he do more than his share around the house, or actually do I?, etc, etc. So hearing them articulated can actually be useful – it brings them into the open for me, and I can then deal with them. The other assumptions that don’t resonate? I am trying to ignore them (not always well). Incidentally, my husband pretty much ignores them all -he’s much better at just being comfortable in himself and not really caring what others think than I am.
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Oh that’s added a whole new level! I do think it’s important to acknowledge criticism… sometimes. 99% of the time you can tell them to go stuff it though!
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Fuck yeah, Carly.
I was in a long relationship where I never had anything thoughtful done for me by my spouse. Even text messages went unanswered. I tried to be thoughtful but I ended up getting resentful and I left. That’s a long story short.
I think the “work” entailed long term relationship is actually being thoughtful of each other. My fella and I do nice things for each other all the time. You do nice things for the people that you like.
What, do people think “we are locked in now, I can be as much of an arsehole as I like”?
It’s about not taking the person for granted. It should be mutual.-
Oh totally! That’s another reason why I’m not that fussed on marriage because I hate the concept of ‘locking’ someone down. Mr Smags and I are totally committed and we choose each other every day which works for us. π
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I lay out clothes for Mr Aprilahh and I love to make his dinner. I commented back (as you read) that I went out after getting home from work to buy a leg of ham – he’d been trapped in front of his computer all day and had a hankering that wouldn’t quit.
This is the same man who on returning from a late night meeting had forgotten to bring me some, ahem, lady things, and promptly redressed and ran (actual running) to get them. Why is one act more loving and less subordinate than the other? It isn’t. He is the kindest man I’ve ever known – he takes great pains to be respectful and make sure I am never in need of anything. I appreciate him on so many levels – as a person, as a boyfriend and as a businessman. If I can show this appreciation and love through a bit of cooking and going out of my way now and then, well yay! X-
I can vouch for Mr Aprilahh! Any man who sends over a bottle of bubbles at a bar is fine by me! π
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*applauds* I agree 100%. There is nothing more powerful then bringing the husband a cup of tea when I know he needs one.
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Absolutely! There’s power in it! x
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I just love this post Carly, you have hit nail right on the head with this one. Going to give a share!!
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Awesome! I’m so glad this resonated!
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Omg..so true! People always make comments to me like that if i say i get up with my husband in the morning and make him coffee and lunch. I could make it the night before but he likes to see me. It makes me double guess myself thinking maybe he is taking advantage of me and im being a doormat and so i get all huffy that he doesn’t do things for me even though I’m now refusing to do things for him! Stupid. I need to stop listening to others and do what suits us. Thank you, this really hit a spot with me, very timely π (p.s i suppose people have this perception because there are the men or their that treat their wives like maids without so much as a thanks or a two way street. It is definitely a generalisation though!)
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I defintely think that’s where it comes from. People assume that their relationship is the same as everyone elses and it’s very rarely the case. I never get huffy about doing things for Mr Smaggle – our relationship is so even it doesn’t even enter my head.
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I do things like that, it’s just what I like doing. Well I used to do more of it before 3 kids in 3.5 years but I agree that it’s not a sign of a doormat. Some people are dicks. Everything thinks I’m the bossy pants in our relationship but they have no clue about what’s going on! Need to know basis I say!
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I actually had the husband of someone really close to me ask Mr Smaggle how he ‘handles me’. Like I’m some kind of wild horse that needs taming. What a dick. I had a woman ask him that too. He gets just as offended as I do when people ask that. He’s not my boss and I don’t need his permission to speak. Pisses me right off.
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I’m a frothy-mouthed feminist from way back and that would not even have pinged my radar. LOL. One little gesture doesn’t define the power balance of any relationship, and it’s quite odd that people tried to spin it that way.
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Exactly! I was really shocked. The whole point of the story was how bad-ass I was for booking it to the shops in 20 seconds. Internet weirdos be weirdos.
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Loving this post sick – I cop so much from my family about being too domesticated, purely because I make Mister lunch and often get up to make breakfast and coffee for us to share before he goes to work. I am a lazy morning person and it suits me to have the motivation to get up, and that hour together in the morning is delightful so I don’t see what the big deal is!
Ditto with the baking thing, the fellas at Mister’s work are always stunned to see fresh baked stuff for him to share with them – I’m off work at the moment and enjoy baking but don’t actually eat the stuff, so why wouldn’t I want to feed my man with it? He is equally if not more sweet than me when it comes to thoughtful gestures anyway, if I’m honest…
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I do share breakfast in the morning too! He’s also super shit in the morning so I take of him and I’m crap at night so he takes care of me. He literally tucks me in when I go to bed. That man can have anything he wants from me!
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Wow seriously? People confuse me sometimes. I mean sure, if Mr Smags was going to hurt you if you didn’t get him biscuits there’d be an issue (I know he’d never do that) but otherwise, it’s just a nice gesture that one person did for their significant other – and quite a funny story.
There’s this odd notion that things have to be exactly the same for there to be equality and balance in a relationship – when my partner is home, I get up with him whatever time he is starting work (he’s in construction so it can be as early as a 5am start meaning up at 4 … 7 is a late start) and because I work from home and do corporate style hours, whenever we tell people I get up and make his coffee / pack his lunch while he’s in the shower they say he’s spoilt and they hope he does the same for me. Well he doesn’t, and that’s ok because the other morning I didn’t get out of bed early enough to get myself to and from a 30min PT session without paying city parking prices so Nick got up, drove me to PT and hug around the CBD for half an hour until it was time to pick me up and then still drove me back to work an hour later.
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hung* around the CBD … not hug, haha.
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I know right? That’s what I thought! I’m like chill guys! It’s just a short walk to get a packet of biscuits. Also truth be told, I rather fancied a biscuit myself! π
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I make hubby coffee most mornings π he is worth it and does loads for me, I couldn’t agree with more with your sentiment!!
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Same same! Besides Mr Smags is useless in the mornings without coffee!
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This reaction from people really pisses me off. The Viking once drove me to work and, when asked what time he goes to work, I said he was on holidays. This was greeted with comments of “He should drive you every day then!” and I was really shocked.
Just because there isn’t equality between the sexes, does not mean treating men like slaves will somehow make it better. It won’t!
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Exactly! It did open my eyes about how some people live in resentful relationships and that made me a bit sad. It would be pretty shit to be with someone who never did anything nice for you.
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Such a great conversation you’ve started here – good stuff! There’s still so much inequity in the keeper/doormat models people have in their heads. Are you both happy? Yes. The end.
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Love it! And yes we both are very happy!
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Awwsome post. I have had a many a debate with friends (most of them seemingly manhaters who are single parents. Thou i feel for them its NOT my fault things didnt work out and hes an idiot but not ALL men are aresholes!) I pack my mans lunch, i have 2 school lunches to make anyway so whats the difference with one more? If i have a treat for myself, ill share with him as he will do the same. I make him coffee or tea, im having one too so makes sense! Its not about chalking who did what. One does it coz you want to, coz you love someone enough to be happy to do the things you do. Keep on rocking lovely!
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Oh definitely! The ass-hole men give the decent men a bad name and leave a bad taste in the mouths of the women they’ve been nasty to. I get that’s where the criticism comes from if everyone was just nicer to everyone it would make the world a much nicer place!
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Its my birthday today, so my husband is cooking me breakfast, taking me to lunch and making me a gorgeous meal. Big rule for today is i’m not allowed to do housework. but on a day to day deal, he rubs my feet and I make him a cup of tea, I cook meals and I clean, but he takes down the rubbish and does the kitty litter. When we have had a few too many drinks the night before, one of us will trek across town to get the best kebabs for the other (normally me being in bed and him on a motorbike in the rain). we don’t do it cos we have to, we do it cos that’s how it works in our place and its our way of saying I love you, or I appreciate you. saying that my husband is in the background making sarcastic comments that “obviously I don’t love him cos I don’t get him cookies”
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Ha! Awesome! I’d love a day without housework! π
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In our house we don’t keep score, we all just try to be as awesome as possible to one another – my partner Josh and I have been together seven years now, and we still constantly try to surprise one another with little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness.. and if one of us is sick, or had a crappy day, or whatever – you can be damn sure the other one will run down the street for bikkies if that’s what it takes.
I’ve noticed the exact same thing you have – if I mention something I did for him people say disparaging things, and if he does something it’s all “oh, what a prince!” – although he too has copped negative comments from douchey corworkers and suchlike (wow, she’s got you trained! whipped much! – that sort of thing) – it seems to be women saying negative things to other women, and men saying negative things to other men… they’re cross because we’re refusing to take up arms in their “war between the sexes”.
We ignore them and just keep on treating the other one like someone we, you know, actually like and enjoy doing nice things for. People who don’t get it and are nasty about it – I just wonder what their relationships are actually like day to day – not very nice I’m thinking. I wonder if the negative comments aren’t just a bit of jealousy showing through?
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Yeah ‘war between sexes’ is exactly the term I as looking for. It’s like people are pissed off that we’re able to live in harmony together.
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This is such an awesome post. I definitely agree that doing something nice for your partner doesn’t make you a doormat, it just means that you care about them and you are showing your love. Couples that work together, remain thoughtful to each other and play to their strengths are worth their weight in gold.
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Definitely! I think that’s one of the reasons why we work so well together. We’re just very curteous an supportive of each other !
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I’ve been met with horrified looks because I *gasp* iron my husband’s shirts for him. But it’s something I like to do to soften the work week for him, and maybe because I’m a bit of a control freak and don’t like him leaving in badly ironed shirts…
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Oh totally! Mr Smags doesn’t need to iron shirts but even he did he’d do it himself because he’s better at it! He’s ironed my stuff on many occasions! He aced home ec when he was in high school! π
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I love this post SO much it’s been sitting there bookmarked since you posted it just waiting for me to take five minutes to comment on it. I want to give it a hug and make it it’s favourite meal and buy let it sleep in while I’m doing the school run. I look after my husband, he looks after me. It’s a PARTNERSHIP. We are working towards the same goals, creating the same happy life. Some days I do more of the (obvious, overt) looking after, some days he does.
So many of my female relatives (mainly older than me), immediately tell my husband off or assume I’m a doormat when I do something nice for him. It’s pretty insulting, to both of us. Drives me f**king insane.
ps. I’ve had a draft post on this exact topic sitting idle for EVER. Was inspired by a phase the step-sons went through were they’d say ‘I’m not your slave’ to any request for help / assistance from their Dad. No you’re not a slave, but you’re part of this family, this unit. And sometimes you do something just because you care about someone else. Thank god they grew out of that phase pretty damn quickly. Anyway, thank you for finding the words! x
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I love this post. People are always trying to get in my ear and my partner’s ear about the way we run our life together. We’ve both taken turns being at home with the kids while the other works and people were calling him “my bitch” because of it and it really upset him. I’ve been called stupid because after we had a fight I went to Woolies to buy him something to let him know I love him and I felt horrible because it made me question who I am as a girlfriend and whether or not I am a doormat. Then I realised that it is not a bad thing to want to show my love to the person I love so I don’t care anymore. I briefly stopped doing things for my partner because of people saying I do too much for him and get nothing back and all that did was make me feel like crap so I’m just ignoring it now. If people want to have an opinion on my relationship, they can be in it instead of me. Thanks so much for the great post!
