So last week I booked a session with my photographer (Mr Smaggle… I pay him in sexual favours) to shoot some head shots. While he was setting up lights and all his fancy equipment, I ducked to the bathroom to slap on a few handfuls of ‘natural’ looking make-up and tidy my hair to make it look a bit less like a dead cat. I grabbed my curling iron (that I’ve used only once before) and started to curl the frizzy bits of hair near my ears. I managed to press the iron right against my neck, twice, leaving a long, angry wound that looked frighteningly like a knife slash across my jugular vein. I’ve spent the last week explaining to everyone that no, it’s not a hicky because I’m not twelve and I actually just shouldn’t be left alone with dangerous appliances. This is certainly not the first time I’ve injured myself in the name of beauty and because pain is quite often hilarious, I’ve compiled a list (in no particular order because they’re all awful) of the top 5 beauty treatment injuries of my life time. Enjoy.
1. The Fake Tan Rash
I got invited to go to a boys school formal when I was sixteen which was a huge freaking deal, so naturally I went all oompa loompa on that situation and gave myself an at home fake tan. The colour was quite fine. The rash was something else entirely. Thank god it only affected my legs and I was wearing a floor length dress. It was pretty hideous. It looked like small pox… glittery, shimmery small pox.
2. The Wax Shredder
This one I suffered at the hands of a trainee beauty therapist. I was volunteering to be a leg model for her wax exam and at the last minute the examiner asked to see a lip wax. I agreed, the trainee nervously went for it, clumsily spreading wax over my upper lip. I still have no idea what happened but she fucked up royally and ripped a small strip of skin from my upper lip. It took an obscene amount of time to heal and made me look like I had herpes. Not just cold-sore herpes, really dirty looking herpes.
3. The Razor Stripper
I was running late for opening night of a play I was doing and I shaved way too enthusiastically around my heel and took a whopping great strip off the back of my leg. It was so bad, it required a bandage and I had to take pain killers because it hurt so much. Six years later, I still have the scar and very pleasant memories of my surreal and floaty performance that night.
4. The Pink Bit Snip
I was between bikini waxes many years ago and I was giving myself a quick trim with manicure scissors and I aimed very badly and managed to… cut something I shouldn’t have cut. It was the teeniest, tiniest little cut but it hurt like buggery and bled like a gunshot wound. Also it was minora, not majora. Such pain. Much ouch.
5. The Mascara Wand Eye Poke
I do this at least once a week but on this particular occasion I was going to an event and jammed the gluggy wand right into my eyeball. It went bright red and wept for the entire evening and I was like ‘Nope, it’s not an eye infection… I’m just a clumsy loser.’
Have you ever had a beauty injury? Can you top any of mine?
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20 Comments
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Ooph, I’ve done a #4. Then I let a friend wax my eyebrows once. I walked around with the just outer halves for like 6 weeks. Also had a reaction to someone’s lip gloss. Wouldn’t have known if my crush didn’t tell me my lips looked like Meg Ryan’s…
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I’m so glad I’m not alone on 4. I thought I was the only one!
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Oh wow those all sound terrifying. The labia snip is my worst fear… I managed to nick myself in that area with a razor, which wasn’t toooo bad, but it bled 5eva and I could feel the cut for days afterwards whenever I walked.
I’ve given up on fake tanners after too many blotchy incidents (yes, even with the gradual build-up moisturiser ones). It’s just not meant to be.
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It does bleed forever! It’s like there’s extra blood in there! I too have given up on fake tanners. They just don’t work for me.
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I think I’ve done all of the above and more. Tried waxing my own bikini line and bruised myself so badly that I couldn’t wear bikini.
Long story but found ourselves, on holiday, sharing apartment in Rome with landlord. My husband is allergic to dish washing liquid (yeah right!) and the only thing that stops the burning is moisturizer. Middle of the night, couldn’t find ours so he borrowed landlords. Woke to find he looked to be wearing nicotine stained gloves. He’d used her Maxi tan.
And don’t get me started with lube disaster stories…-
I’ve done that and just didn’t rip the wax off in time and had to soak the wax off my nether regions in hot water. So painful! I love the tanning lotion story! amazing!
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Nothing personally – but I remember our junior at work was bridesmaid for her bff. During the week prior, bride had eyebrow wax. The wax was too hot and burned her quite badly. Poor little thing – it was only 4 days prior to the big day. I think her makeup lady did a great job, because unless you knew, you couldn’t tell. (ps beauty therapist who caused the injury offered no apology and pretty much shrugged her shoulders in a “too bad” gesture).
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Oh no! That’s the worst! I hate it when beauty therapists don’t own their mistakes. It’s so unprofessional.
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I had the Brazilian wax from hell, major majora burns down both sides, couldn’t wear pants for about 2 weeks! I;m also a chronic mascara eye poker, always when I want to look smashing, not smashed in the face!
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Oh my god! That’s horrible! Some times when my therapist puts the wax on it feels way too hot but it’s always been fine. I got a little burn on my leg once but I think that was from the metal spatula.
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LOL smags! you crack me up!
sorry to laugh about your misfortunes! … but!
all not nice! lol m:)X
“less is more” KISSweetheart!;0-
Ha! Thanks lady! They’re pretty hilarious. Laugh away.
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I remember in the 80’s crimping my cousins hair. As I was the older cousin, I think she was too scared to tell me I actually had the top of her ear in the crimper as well as hair. I gave her an impressive crimpy like ear burn. Awesome :o)
I have lots of eye make up accidents as Im so blind I cant see what Im doing without my glasses.
Most of my makeup technique consists of just swiping things at my face and hoping for the best. Then I have to put on my glasses to clean up the damage.
I cannot do eyeshadow at all as Im totally blind in one eye. I can put it on my blind eye ok, but once I have to shut my good eye to apply the makeup it all goes down hill :o)
Ive pretty much shoved a lip liner up my nose as I was so close to the mirror it kind of just ended up there when I moved!
I somehow always end up looking like Rachel in friends when Ross put her make up on (when she hurt her ribs).-
Oh no! Poor little thing – that’s so sad! That must be really difficult doing your make up being blind in one eye… kind of like when you have to put nail polish on with your non-dominant hand? I have a friend who always has both eyes open when putting make up on because she won’t touch or pull her face. I think it’s weird but it works for her!
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I used depilatory cream (for face) on my brows. I was allergic to it and my eyes swelled up.
And I’ve had waxcidents too. -
OMG I can’t even read any of these without cringing and clutching my legs together really tightly. Just thinking of them gives me the shivers.
I’ve not had any awful stories beyond the usual nicks but I have a complete and utter aversion to shaving/razors/cuts. Really I still shave my legs only because it’s cheap and quick and I don’t have to wait for the hair to grow out. But years ago discovered waxing is far better for my mental health than trying to deal with a razor on my pink bits.
I mean I have to leave the room when my bf was shaving, and I close my eyes at shaving adverts on TV. -
Gahh, the razor stripper! I did that so many times as a teenager… My 19 I gave up to pay someone to wax the buggers, never looked back!
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I’ve done something similar to #3. It was the very first time I shaved my legs and against my mother’s wishes, I went for it when no one was home. I ended up chopping some of my heel off and because I didn’t want to tell anyone, I went to bed with a makeshift bandage so the blood wouldn’t leak onto my sheets. It included 10 band aids, almost a whole box of tissues then I wrapped my foot up in a coles mesh bag. It still bled through…
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Holy crap! The snip one had me wincing!! No injuries apart from getting the top of my ear caught between the hair straightener.
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Oh sugar! These sound horrendous! I have had a couple of beauty treatment injuries. Once my mum begged me to let her straighten my hair. She has a short pixie cut and loves playing with long hair because it’s a rare treat for her. She managed to clamp my ear in the straightener, and I’ve never let her heat style my hair since.
Another more intimate injury occurred when I went for a bikini wax with a new beautician. The sweet lass was pretty new to her job, and managed to glue my labia shut with wax. She was extremely apologetic, but lying there while a stranger rinsed and snipped the wax away from my most private area was easily one of the most stressful experiences of my life.
