had a rather unpleasant incident last week at a car racing event. I was walking up a tight set of stairs, in a packed queue to get across a bridge. There was a group of rowdy men next to me who had clearly been drinking. One said to his mate ‘Oi! Ghetto booty! 3 o’clock!’. He was referring to me. His mate checked out my arse, made some sort of a grunting noise and then continued on his way. It was disgusting. I didn’t say anything, I just ignored him and kept on walking, as did my partner. There was a girl standing next to me who whispered ‘I’d have given them a serve if I were you!’.
I thought about what this girl had said and I’m actually rather uncomfortable with the suggestion that I should have said something. There are two reasons why I didn’t.
1. A clearly intoxicated person who is making loud and rude remarks about complete strangers in public is not someone I want to get into an argument with.
2. I can’t do anything to stop him.
The men that I choose to spend my life with are decent humans because the people surrounding them have done their job. Their parents, teachers, friends, co-workers and acquaintances have worked hard to teach these guys so they know what respectful behaviour looks like.
I’ve watched my mother witness men strutting around the streets like drunken yobos and asking girls to show them their tits. I’ve seen her whip around to my brother with fire in her eyes and say ‘If you EVER speak to a woman like that, I will disown you.’. I’ve seen young men in clubs firmly remove their drunk and lascivious mates from clubs and apologise for their disgusting behaviour. I even once saw a tiny little grandma pull over on the side of the road and drag her (presumably) grandson into her car because he was loitering outside the train station and making lewd comments at women as they walked by. I’ve been that person when male students of mine have wolf whistled at girls from the school across the road. I had a young man banned from attending his own formal because he showed his penis to a group of female students.
By the time a person is verbally or physically abusing a complete stranger in the street, the victim can’t do a damn thing about it. I would have loved to have given this guy a serve but I can’t risk my safety by aggravating an intoxicated and confrontational man. He needs to hear that his behaviour is appalling from someone he respects – like his parents, siblings, mates or co-workers. To him, I was some bitch with a ghetto booty. He has been taught that I don’t matter. He can only be stopped by people who matter to him.
If you have someone you’re close to who behaves like this, it’s your job to teach them that their behaviour is appalling. It’s also your job to support people who call out behaviour like this. If you’re out at a pub and one of your mates starts hollering sexist bullshit at women and one of your other mates calls him on it, support the call out. Don’t sit there awkwardly, silently agreeing but outwardly appearing to be sitting on the fence. We need to stop rewarding this behaviour with complacency. Gendered violence is an enormous problem in Australia and the change starts in our own homes.
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25 Comments
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Yes! I love this post so much. I’ve never thought of it as being out of my control by the stage you describe, but it’s true and you’re right.
You also make me want to rip my 5 month old from my breast right now (not literally though because he’d cry) and shape him into the best mannered and most respectful man I can! Big love to you x
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Thank you! I’d love to live in a world where women can stick up for themselves but it’s just not realistic. I hate the idea of women having to alter their behaviour to keep safe (in fact it infuriates me) but the problem is too big by the time a woman is being threatened on the street.
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Yes. I too have been surrounded by beautiful, respectful men, and I marred one, and I will raise my son to be one.
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I think that’s why I struggle a bit because my father, brother and partner are such lovely men and I can’t quite fathom how other men can behave like that.
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Well played gorgeous lady. Ignorance can be bliss. V x
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Exactly! x
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Nodded along the whole way through this article. I abhor street abuse and so does my partner. Great post x
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It makes me so angry. Just don’t talk to women like that. It’s so simple.
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Great post. What we’re talking about her is ‘bystander intervention’ and there’s a lot of good work being done in this area that focuses on calling out our family and friends over bullying, harassment, and other bad behaviours. And if we feel safe, calling out strangers too. Some good examples of this is when people stand up to someone going on a racist tirade on the train.
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Oh definitely. I have to say though that it’s unlikely I will ever feel safe enough to serve a stranger on street who verbally abuses me.
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Same here. It’s so shocking and destabilising at that moment. But I might be gusty enough to serve a stranger that is harassing someone else.
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Well said Carly. I think it would be foolish for a woman to call a man in the street to task over this behaviour, but we can certainly teach the males in our family that this type of behaviour is unacceptable. Does make you wonder, though, how such a person would feel if someone did that to his mum, sister, girlfriend etc.
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There seems to be a disconnect between their own family and other women bit makes no sense!
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I am probably an idiot, but I have never been able to control my anger in these situations, and have, on many occasions confronted the scumbags. In my case, they have always been embarrassed, apologetic – and shocked to be confronted. There used to be a particular scumbag that did this every night when I went for my run and he used to slow down to yell out lewd things, especially when he had his mates in the car with him. Well I was totally prepared one night and waiting for the usual drive by – he was completely and utterly gobsmacked with what I said back. Never had a problem since – I think he takes another route now! I can’t even say how many times I’ve been lectured by my partner to just ignore it because it could lead to a dangerous situation. I like to think that each time I confront one of them that’s just one less wanker out there – though that’s totally too ambitious.
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That’s great to hear and I don’t think it’s too ambitious at all. It does suck that you’re left to defend yourself in situations like that though. You should be able to walk down the street without being abused. I’d love to see prevention, not solution with this problem.
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I agree with this post a lot. I am on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour because of visible difference. Once a guy in a pub told me how scary I look. He was drunk, maybe on drugs. And he would not stop berating me, his girlfriend had to escort him out of the pub. I hope that she talked to him as you encouraged. And I hope he learnt. I am sorry you endured this.
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It’s just crap isn’t it? I mean 5 year olds are taught not to stare and not comment on people’s appearances. It’s just such basic stuff. So frustrating.
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Such an awesome post Carly. I agree with you about picking and choosing your battles – no matter how irate it makes you, sometimes it’s best not to make a point when the guy’s a drunk dickhead. That said, I have gotten mad in the past in similar scenarios and my partner goes bananas; he has much more of a handle on safety than I do!
Great point as well about how a guy who does this crap is more likely to change his behaviour if his peers say, ‘hey that’s out of line’ rather than the victim giving him a serve. Sad but true.
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We all need to make changes closer to home. The solution isn’t to fight the problem it’s to stop the problem.
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I’m a mother to very nearly 11 year old Boyo and he is growing into a man before our eyes. Literally not figuratively.
But we’ve been raising him to be a gentleman since he was tiny. One of his first words (after hello, ball and hungry plus the obvious mama and dada) was pwease and ta.
It’s our responsibility as parents not to unleash an out of control arsehat on the world and raise a decent human being.
I agree that it’s not up to you to take action on your own behalf. It’s giving them the reaction they’re after.
However, I am a big fan of bystander action though. I will call out the local high school kids bullying other kids at the bus stop. I’ll politely suggest that people pick up their “accidentally” dropped rubbish.
Sometimes the Welshman worries about my safety. But often other bystanders will support me – they just needed someone to take action first.
I just ended one friendship circle as one of the mothers refused to countenance that her son had been bullying my son. We were managing it at infrequent events but when he escalated it to our home and school, we had no option but to step up and escalate it.
Our son saw that we were willing to cut ties with close friends to protect him. I worry for this kid, whose parents chose not to believe that it was happening. He’s very likely to grow up to be one of those men, because his parents decided to “back him” without investigation.
Teaching him he can get away with whatever he wants. So sad.
Sorry for the novel.
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Oh absolutely – if I feel safe, I’ll absolutely call people out on their bullshit. It’s the teacher in me! I’m sorry your kid is being bullied – you absoutely did the right thing by him. x
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Absolutely. I think that men in particular need to start calling each other out on this bullshit. Demeaning a woman makes you less of a man, not more.
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Exactly. Men calling out their badly behaved mates is being part of the solution and a way to stand in solidarity with women.
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Oh Carly – you are so wise. I would like to think that we have taught our Son well in this regard (fingers crossed) and I would also like to think that our Son would give a mate a nasty flick across the ear if he was to hear them behave in this way.
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Super solid. Love it.
