received a message from a reader this week asking for help. She’s had a lot of unavoidable changes pop up in her life recently that are very disruptive, not her choice and are causing her a lot of angst and heartache.
When I say unavoidable change I’m talking about the type of big life changes that happen that are totally out of your control and changes that you didn’t necessarily want to happen. Being fired, being evicted, being broken up with, being deported. Massive life events that you can’t avoid. Unfortunately you don’t have a lot of choice about some changes in life but you DO have a choice about how you deal with them.
Here’s how to cope with unavoidable change.
Accept that the change is unavoidableÂ
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Most of the angst that comes from a huge unavoidable change occurs because you’re feeling helpless. Feeling like you don’t have any options or choices is awful but the sooner you acknowledge that the situation is out of your hands, the sooner you can move on. If there is something you can do, you should do it but if you can’t, let it go. It’s hard but the longer you dwell on your helplessness the worse the experience will be for you.
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Take everything one day at a timeÂ
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If you’re experiencing a major and forced change in your life, don’t even think about changing anything else. If your partner has just ended your relationship, it might be best hold of on starting that intensive boot camp. If you’ve just been fired, you might want to postpone that night course for a while. Change makes people really busy so don’t add anything unnecessary to your schedule right now. You also need time to have emotions and feelings so don’t forget to allow for that.
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Take control of the things you can and let of the things you can’tÂ
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There are some things you can’t control. Like being evicted or getting fired but you DO have control over what you do now. You get to choose your next house, you get to choose what job you apply for next, you get to choose the direction you go in and you get to choose to leave the past in the past and move on with your bright and wonderful future. Revel in making positive choices where you can right now.
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Look at the change as a new door opening
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Forced change can be confusing and often hurtful but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. If you’ve been kicked out of your house, your next one might be even better. Same goes with jobs, romantic partners and friends. Imagine the door of the past is closing and the door to your future is opening. Stop standing outside the closed door, banging on it and begging to be let back in. Look the other door in the room that is open, welcoming you inside. Not only is it the best choice, it’s the only choice. Go for it.
Think forward to a time when this won’t be a big deal anymore Â
Time heals all wounds and your unceremonious break up with your partner and that horrific day when you lost your job won’t hurt forever. It may take a while but eventually you’ll be able to look back on this time and feel so grateful that you got through it. And you will get through it. It’s human nature.
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Have you ever been through an unavoidable change? How did you cope with it?
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21 Comments
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Ace tips! My cancer diagnoses were something unexpected and unavoidable. One of the most difficult parts of the diagnosis and treatment was that I had no control of what my body was doing to itself nor could I control the knock on effects in other parts of my life. Once I accepted that the changes were unavoidable, I learned to take one day at a time, let go of the things I couldn’t change and enjoyed taking charge of the things I could and managed to find the silver linings in everything I did. The situation was so difficult, but learning to deal with it was a huge part of my recovery. In so many ways, my life is richer today and I’m grateful for the survival skills I’ve learned and am able to use in other challenging situations. I always like to remind myself that change doesn’t happen without change.
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Oh moy goodness that’s the exact type of thing I’m talking about! I’m always so astounded at how people cope with cancer diagnosis. My grandfather had cancer for years and he had a very postivie attitude about it and I swear that helped with his recovery too.
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Unavoidable change is so hard.
Find some positives and make them ground you. Look for the good. Don’t beat yourself up. What’s done is done and you can make today and tomorrow better. Xx lots of love to this reader and a promise that it might stuck note but things get better (sometimes so gradually you don’t notice until you look back)-
Things really do get better and it’s so important for people who are distressed to realise that it takes time but it will happen! You’re gorgeous thanks for this comment – I’m sure the reader appreciates it. x
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Really great tips in here. I was made redundant at the same time I was moving house (because the place I had been living in was getting sold, so yeah, kind of evicted) and it was super stressful.
For me especially when unemployed for a while, the biggest challenge I had sometimes was dealing with other people who were full of good intentions but generally quite unhelpful, which I then had to battle with myself not to be a recluse just so I wouldn’t see them and have to deal with the barrage of questions about why I didn’t have a job yet.
I think also managing my own mind set to not spiral when things got tough was a constant work in progress. And also, I always knew there was a meaning and purpose for why things happened they way they did and the timing of it all, but also acknowledging that it plain sucked right there and then was also really necessary for me. I am generally quite positive and really do believe things happen the way they do for a reason (and that it would all work itself out in time), so to even acknowledge that the day-to-day of not working, job hunting and also orienting myself to a new home at the same time was just horrid some days. A balance of the short and long term thinking I guess!
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It’s so hard when you’re generally a postivie person and you get kicked in the nuts and you start feeling like shit. It’s quite jarring! I’m totally one of those people you were trying to avoid BTW. I get stress by proxy and if someone doesn’t have a job or they need a house to live in I start trying to fix all their problems and it’s not really my business! 🙂
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Yes I hear you Carly. A number of years ago, three to be exact, I lost my father and after my return from his funeral I received a text from my partner stating that he had a new partner (of which I already new) gut instinct is amazing. I went through the roller coaster ride and have come out the other side with accepting all that had happened and have moved on with my life and I am a happy single person and friends with my ex. Sometimes it is better to move on and keep calm. Thank you Carly for your wisdom. V x
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Oh my god that’s awful! What terrible timing. I’m so glad you’re happier now. It really is about letting time heal your wounds isn’t it?
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This is such incredibly awesome advice, beautiful girl. I’ve been through quite a few major changes over the past few years – most of which were out of my control. The sooner you can recognise the things out of your control (and let them go), the more at peace you will. You’ll also then feel capable of taking charge of the things you can control and doing whatever necessary. My biggest piece of advice to your reader would be to be kind to yourself right now. x
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Absolutely! You’re gorgeous. It’s just so important to focus the good stuff, go head down, bum up and wait out happier days because they WILL come.
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Yes, when I went through what I now realise was a breakdown about three years ago now – I was at my extreme of juggling my jenga-like life of complex work, small kids who didn’t sleep, trying to be a good partner, etc, etc – and then the work got pulled away for political reasons (which is what can happen when working for state governments – governments change). Showed up some physiological issues I’d managed to keep under control until then. Thanks to medication, counselling and family support I’ve regained the weight I lost (and more, unfortunately – now I have to go back to less sugar), and, although I understand now the ‘why’, I am still working on reframing the way I live life (I’m finding it really really hard to restructure the way I’ve always ‘done life’ – so it’s a work in progress).
This quote came up into the internet feed (becomingminialist) just before yours – seems to really complement yours: “Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.” —John Wooden
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How much does that suck that the happier you are the fatter you generally are? That’s me to a T. I hate being stressed and sad but I LOVE my stressed and sad figure. 🙂
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Great tips. I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my third daughter, then my dad told me he wanted to retire and so we closed our family plumbing business and I didn’t know how to handle it other than to pray for guidance and go with the flow of change. One year later and I’m amazed at how amazing we have gotten through. Don’t be afraid of change. Embrace it and see what happens. Even when it’s painful like a break up, remember you will get through.
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You do realise you’re my father’s dream? He’s a plumber and he would have been STOKED to have me work as a plumber. I’m so glad you got through it. You just kind of cope until one day you wake up and things don’t suck anymore. It’s awesome.
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ohhh! great tips – i think points 2&3 are often my focus when crap goes down; its so helpful to focus on things you can control to help you get some confidence back, even if it is the smallest day to day things.
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I find eating salad helps. If I make a decent salad and eat it I feel like I’m winning a bit at life. It seems weird but it just works for me. I’m like ‘I’m eating vegetables! I totally have my shit together!’
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Sobbing through this post and agreeing with every single thing. So utterly correct and true. As are the comments.
Thank you, Smaggony Aunt (much better than an agony aunt!). I needed to read this. And copy and paste it. And bookmark it. And screen grab it for future reference.
I hope I can share good news sooner rather than later. xxxoooxxx-
Oh fantastic! I’m so glad it helped and I hope you’re having a better time of everything. Let me know how you go. x
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Incredible advice as usual Carly! My separation and divorce was a big change – even just adjusting to being on my own after spending so many years as a couple was hard. Taking things one day at a time and taking control of the things in my life that I could by making positive decisions was exactly how I put my life back together. x
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Oh absolutely. I had friends split up that had been together forever and just the every day stuff made a huge difference to their lives. It’s such a big adjustment. Even though I love Mr Smaggle and I would never have my life any other way, I do find that I get more stuff done when he’s not around. Cooking for 2, shopping for 2, being aware of another person’s emotions, plans and work commitments takes up SO much time and that’s in a really awesome, healthy, lovely relationship. I don’t necessarily think that being in a relationship is the best case scenario for humans. Being single is rad because it’s all about you darling!
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I think over my working life I’ve realised the only constant is change. I spent a big chunk of my 20s just up and leaving every time I didn’t like the change when my work environment changed, but that doesn’t get you very far in life/career. We’ve recently had a change of manager in my team at work and, to be blunt, we loved our old manager and the new manager is quite different… we’re struggling a little with the change in style/personality.
My strategy in my 30s is roll with the punches and always have the money in the bank to support myself if I decide to leave (actually, I’ve always had this rule). I just never want to be in a position where I HAVE to stay in a crappy situation because I can’t afford to leave.
