I’m going to be honest. I have a very Type A personality so although I don’t necessarily love cleaning, I do enjoy it in a sick, perfectionist kind of way. I get off on the smell of cleaning products and seeing those lines on the floor that the vacuum cleaner makes. If the vacuum cleaner lines are all facing in the same direction… well… let’s just say Mr Smaggle is going to get SUPER lucky when he gets home. Shagging in a spotless house is my favourite. I digress…
Even though I get more excited about cleaning than the average person, that doesn’t mean I want it to take all day. I mean come on. I have YouTubing to do. Here’s a few shortcuts I take when it comes to cleaning the old digs…
Sex and The City Marathon Ironing
Pour youself a glass of wine (keep the bottle super close, it’s going to be a long night), set up the ironing board in front of the TV and play back to back episodes of Sex and The City. I like season one because Carrie’s eyebrows are ridiculous. Alcohol and SJP are masters of time suckage so combine that with something horrible like ironing and you’re sweet baby. You’re welcome.
Drunken Nude Bathroom Cleaning
I’ve only ever done this once but it was surprsingly effective. I’d downed almost an entire bottle of red wine to myself at my mate’s place and then I stumbled home to go to bed. Once I got there I freaked out because I was far too drunk to go to bed and I needed to do something to sober up and avoid the bed spins. You know, because 15 minutes of pointless busy work is a super effective way of metabolising a litre of alcohol. Drunk Carly is an idiot. So I started doing a quick clean of the bathroom sink and before I knew it Mr Smaggle was sleepily opening the door half an hour later to find me naked in the shower wearing rubber gloves and furiously scrubbing at the grout. If you think that more than six standard drinks would affect my ability to clean the bathroom properly, think again my friend. I’m even more of a neurotic pain in the ass when I’m drunk. And I was wasted so I totally forgot I even did it and woke up the next morning to a sparkling bathroom. Bonza. Get drunk and clean your bathroom. It’s awesome.
Basketball Drawer Toss
Throwing things out is so much more fun if you really throw thing out. So if I’m cleaning out a desk drawer I’m not going to be a grandma and bring the bin over to the drawer and throw things out in an orderly fashion. I’m going to leave the bin where it is and just peg rubbish in its general direction and give myself high fives and yell ‘HUZAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!’ whenever I actually get anything in there. You should try this. It’s super satisfying and I’m sure it burns heaps of calories.
Floor Wipe Skating
I’m about to tell you a huge, giant and shamefull secret. I don’t own a mop. Bad Virgo. I do still love to have a clean kitchen floor though so instead of mopping I get two of those floor cleaning wipes, lay them on the floor, put one foot on each of the wipes and skate that grime away! Sometimes I even put on Russian ice dancing music and pretend like I’m at the Olympics. If you want a truly authentic experience you could put spangles in your hair and give yourself a front ways wedgie. No one would judge you.
The Deceptive Clean
This is the one that I do if people are coming over and I don’t have time to do the type of clean that would make Mama Smaggle proud. Throw all your shoes and crap into the bottom of a cupboard. Dim the lights. Fire up a bunch of candles, preferably scented ones. Squirt a little toilet cleaner in the toilet and give it a quick scrub. Play ambient music and give your guest a drink the moment they walk in the door. Everyone I know thinks my house is consistently spotless but it’s usually just dark and smells nice and they’re drunk. Works. Every. Time.
Any dirty house cleaning secrets you’d like to share?
P.S How rad is my feature image? MJ and Paul Mac washing dishes. How did this even happen?