o you watch the show Adam Ruins Everything? If you don’t, you simply must. It’s very excellent. He basically goes around and ruins things like airport security and the schooling system by pointing out how broken and flawed they are. One of my favourite episodes is Adam Ruins The Internet by pointing out how the internet is not actually as bad as hipsters and old people would have you think. We’re more educated and technologically advanced than we’ve ever been and you can literally start your own business with no start up costs. The internet rocks.
One thing I’ve loved about the internet is getting to know things about my friends and family I didn’t previously know. For instance my mum and my aunty like special needs cats and dogs, so if I find a chihuahua with an overbite, I tag them both in that post immediately. I also have a group of friends and we tag each other in videos of baby animals because oh my god adorable. We’re quite obsessed with baby fenecs at the moment. I also get at least a dozen notifications a day of posts containing Benedict Cumberbatch or crochet. Very excellent.
The weird thing though is that with this new found knowledge, people tend to put you in categories. Categories you have no business being in. With my love of Benedict Cumberbatch and crochet, surely I’d be obsessed with the BBC Pride and Prejudice right? Wrong. I don’t hate it, I just don’t rate it. I can see how people would THINK I’d be into it but sadly, when they tag me in a meme with Colin Firth as Mr Darcy, I just can’t fake the lady boner they were aiming for. It’s as disappointing to me as it to them but it is what it is.
Just to sort out any future confusion, here’s a list of things I don’t care about and probably won’t ever care about. If you have (or do) tag me in a post about these things, don’t stress your pretty head about it. I’m not angry (because that would be fucking weird) and I fully understand why you thought I’d be into that thing but sadly I’m not. Do keep tagging me though – I find the consistency with which people try to bond with me over these things super amusing. I’m also fully aware of WHY people think I’m into this stuff. I’m completely confused as to why my pleasure centre doesn’t embrace these things. It’s a god damn mystery.
The Princess Bride
I can’t even count how many times someone has said “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!” to me. The first few times it happen I just kind of stared blankly at them and then after a while I’d just tell them flat out I hadn’t seen The Princess Bride. A very dear friend of mine got sick of “Inconceivable!” falling on deaf ears so she made me watch TPB when I was about 19 years old. Yeah. Didn’t love it. I’m so sorry to the die hard fans of TPB but I just don’t think it translates well when you’re an adult and you watch it for the first time. I think it’s really weird that I’m not in to it because it’s like the hipster kid movie of the 80s but sadly it bypassed me. I can quote it like a mofo though. I didn’t even need to Google the references in this post. They’re entirely meaningless to me, but I still know them by heart.
Just when I think I’ve weaned everyone off inviting me to these things, randomly people will tag me and be all ‘Hey Carly you in for Golden Plains this year?’ and like ‘No! And never!’.
Modern music baffles me. I couldn’t name even one band in Triple Js hottest 100 this year. I was watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and she made a joke about Vampire Weekend being a weekend for vampires and the joke totally went over my head. It’s a band apparently and not an actual weekend for vampires. Super disappointing right?
Unless it’s Cher, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Whitney Huston or musical theatre, I won’t know what band you’re talking about. Oh actually I know who Ed Sheeran is, so that’s something right?
Everyone: ‘OH MY GOD HOW HAVE YOU NOT WATCHED SCANDAL???’
Technically, I have watched scandal. I watched a few episodes and I kind of didn’t care about it. Sorry. Not a Scandal gal. Also the ‘fashion’ everyone keeps talking about? It’s a sea of tailored suits. Lovely, gorgeous, wonderful tailored suits, but it’s hardly Sex and The City. Every time I’ve tried to give it another go I’m like ‘Is this really THE Scandal everyone is taking about?’. It’s just not my bag.
Heart attack inducing desserts
My metabolism is slower than a sloth crawling backwards so I need to choose the food I eat very carefully. I made a decision ten years ago that ice cream and wine are my favourite treats. Pastries, cakes, slices, biscuits – meh. I mean if they’re the only thing going, I might be tempted but as a rule my main recreational calories are spent on wine and ice cream. Yet weirdly I keep getting tagged in these nutella pancake/cronut/cupcake/frankenshake posts. Cake posts baffle me the most. I’m so not into cake at all. I quite like making them, and I’ll have a little nibble of a home baked cake to make sure it’s not the worst thing ever but if cake never crossed my path again, I wouldn’t be sad. And yes, I’m disappointed in myself that I’m not into cake. I love everything about cake – the smell when it bakes, the process of making it, decorating it, sharing it with people – it’s the eating of it that I’m not so into. Most people are REALLY into cake so it’s an easy assumption to make. Pretty awkward though when people ask me if I remember how awesome their wedding cake was. I’ll be like ‘Um… I didn’t eat it.’ . *crickets*
I’m a true crime fanatic – 90% of the podcasts I listen to are hosted by detectives or forensic scientists. So naturally every time there’s a new crime movie or drama out, people start a tagging frenzy starring yours truly. I don’t hate fictional crime but it’s very different to true crime. For instance Silence of The Lambs is infinitely cooler because the Buffalo Bill character is based on two real life serial killers Ted Bundy and Ed Gein. The scene where he gets the girl to help him lift the chair into the truck because his arm is broken is a classic Bundy move. Doesn’t the true crime element just add a whole other layer to the story? To be fair, I do love fictional crime but I’m not obsessed with it the way I am with true crime. Someone will tag me in a post about a serial killer movie and when I find out it’s not based on a true story, I’m inexplicably disappointed.
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What things should you be into that just don’t seem to mesh with you? Have you been tagged in a meme and thought WTF?
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P.P.S I’ve also got a beginner bootcamp coming up for anyone who wants to learn to crochet. If you fancy yourself as one of those totally calm and serene yarn crafters you should float on over and join my crochet mail list.