I find that around Christmas time there’s always a surplus of awkward silences. Like at parties when someone will randomly come up to your 6-foot tall gal pal and loudly screech ‘GOSH YOU’RE TALL AREN’T YOU???’ for no apparent reason and then everyone just kind of stands there awkwardly not speaking, making it so much worse. So I thought I’d knock together a little list of things you can do to fill or avoid an awkward silence. Enjoy.
1. Stage an interpretive dance
Be sure to do lots of fake butterflies with your hands and sparkle fingers are also great. Singing Enya helps as well so try a little bit of the old ‘Sail away! Sail away! Sail away!‘ and don’t forget those rad voice mirroring bits that go ‘Sa-sa-sa-sa-sail away! Sa-sa-sa-sa-sail away!’. While you’re singing this, hop in your imaginary boat and paddle the fuck out of there.
2. Perform a little movie scene
When that random dude at that party starts telling you he ‘doesn’t believe in climate change’, just put on a little show to stop him in his tracks. Pulp Fiction is always good. Borrow a hat from someone and use it to signal a change in characters.
Brett: “He… he’s black…”
Jules: “Go on…”
Brett: “He’s bald”
Jules: “Does he look like a bitch?”
Jules: “[Shoots Brett in the shoulder] DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?”
Jules: “Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch?”
Brett: “I didn’t…”
Jules: “Yes you did. Yes you did! You tried to fuck him. And Marcellus Wallace don’t like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Wallace.”
Oh don’t forget to make a ‘POW!’ noise when you shoot your fake gun.
3. Get naked
If there’s a majorly awkward silence in a group of people just start very slowly undressing while making eye contact with everyone in the group. Once you’re down to your underwear say ‘Let’s not pretend like we all didn’t want this to happen…’
4. Say something even more awkward than the original awkward thing
‘So… does anyone else’s belly button stink like poo?‘ should work a treat.
Claim that you don’t speak English
And then calmly start explaining in perfect English why you don’t speak English. Tell everyone that you’re Spanish and you’re having a really hard time picking up the English language but you’ve learned a lot from the Mean Girls movie. Then say ‘MY FATHER INVENTED TOASTER STRUDEL’ in a Spanish accent and then run away.
5. Throw an imaginary smoke bomb
If you’re ready to leave say ‘Watch me dissapear!’ and throw an imaginary smoke bomb into the middle of the room. Use your hands to mime smoke billowing around you and making whooshing noises as you back out of the room. Hot tip: Make sure you have your keys and shit with you when you do this. It’s even more awkward tip toeing back in to grab your stuff.