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Yes, I have a 9 to 5 job. I do wish that I lived in a rent free tree house with a tiny easy-bake oven to make delicious treats with and I could write my blog and eat muffins all day but I need things to live like toothpaste, underwear and sherbet and I only earn around eighty-three cents a day from my blog and that barely covers my sherbet so that explains the whole full time job thing.

To be honest it’s not too bad. I have a delightful work buddy (Browny) and the work itself is rather interesting and rewarding. Unfortunately this work requires people to submit application forms. Now we all know that Bitch Face Smaggle rears her ugly head at least once a week but everyday I’m having serious issues with people who CAN’T FILL OUT APPLICATION FORMS. It’s really not that hard. Here a few tips for those people who can’t seem to follow simple instructions.

* Write your given name in the section that says ‘given name’. Write your family name in the section that says ‘family name’. Your given name is your first name, the name that people call you most of the time. And your family name? That’s the other name that you have and it’s generally the same as all, if not some, of your immediate family members. If you’re still having issues with this incredibly complicated task you can always check your passport, birth certificate or marriage certificate. Any of these documents will hold the answer. And no, I don’t know whether or not you changed your name when you got married. That’s a really stupid question.

* 2008 is not the year that you were born.

* Similarly, 21 Loser Street is not your address. Do you mean Loser Street in Dicktown? Or Loser Street in Stupidville? Postcode? State? And you wonder why you never receive mail from us.

* ++66114363 789 5873 12354 - That’s not your phone number. It might be what shows up when you call a mobile phone from Alaska but it’s not an actual dial-able number.

* When we ask who your next of kin is we generally require more information that ‘my mum’.

* If you could refrain from eating, cooking or spitting curry on your application form I’d appreciate it. Diarrhoea coloured smears upset me.

* I’m sorry but sometimes I can’t tell if you are male or female from your photo. That’s why I need you to tick the male or female box. Your gender is not a secret. Just tick a bloody box.

* You should only tick the box on the checklist if you have actually completed the task. Ticking the box will not photocopy your passport or certify it. And ticking the box will not make me think that you have done this. DO IT and then tick the box, you self-satisfying weirdo.

* Fold your application and place it neatly in the envelope. Don’t scrunch it up in your hand, cram it in a too small post pack and tape it to within an inch of it’s life so I receive a lumpy package that, quite frankly, looks like a bomb. It’s really unnerving.

What’s got your goat today my love?

Love Lady Smaggle

P.S I’ve changed ‘Hava-Rant’ to ‘Have A Rant’. I’ve developed a serious aversion to this kind of language butchering. Like ‘Kiddie Korner’ and ‘Chickin-2-Go’. It’s not clever, it’s not witty and I apologise for subjecting you all to it for so long.

Today was totally mental. I worked all day and then went straight to rehearsal and it was crazy. I walked off stage after my first scene and stepped right on the smoke machine remote control which started the machine spewing smoke right in the middle of a really inappropriate scene. Instead of being pro-active and trying to turn it off I just stood there pointing at it and saying ‘Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit….’. Seriously. Someone get me out of the bloody theatre. 

* Pants from DFO in Melbourne

* Black lace, high necked top thrifted

* Top from Cowboys and Angels

* Shoes from Big W

Must sleep… my head is spinning. 

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Print from matteart at Etsy

* Waking up with the sun on a gorgeous Sunday morning, wearing nothing but vanilla scented oil, stretched out in crisp cotton sheets, listening to Jack Johnson.

* Sharing pink champagne with one of my favourite ladies on a warm Saturday evening at a stone tuscan table, eating spring rolls.

* A tiny bag of delightful presents from Mr Smaggle from Japan. Geisha pens, a scarf, a key ring and a tiny purse. Delightful!

* Not having just one best girl friend but having about ten instead.

* Apple cider.

* Spending a truly beautiful Sunday locked in a darkened and chilly theatre… and loving every second.

* Catching up with my wife Browny after being away from her for a week.

* Boys who wear jaunty hats.

* Mama Smaggle letting Daddy Smaggle do the grocery shopping and him returning with fresh fruit, dried fruit, fruit toast, fruit slice, fruit cake and fruit and nut chocolate. Bless.

* Sharing sneaky chocolate feasts with friends and greedily not sharing with anyone else.

* Icy cold lime and mint frappes served by a cute boy with thick glasses and thousands of piercings.

What’s tickling your fancy today…?

For Becky…

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx 

The super delightful aubergine has tagged me, very sweetly saying that I may not have time to do it because of all my packing. This is true. However if I see any more brown cardboard boxes I’m probably going to build a fort with them and that’s not going to be helpful is it? So I’m going to do this tag instead…

1. Were you named after anyone? Yes. Although by telling you who, you’ll all know my real name. Ah, care factor of zero! You’ll figure it out someday. My real name is Carly and I was named after Carly Simon. Also Daddy Smaggle stole it from a lady in the waiting room at the hospital. This woman had just given birth to a little boy and he asked what she would have called the child had it been a girl. She replied ‘Carly’. Daddy Smaggle nodded and smiled and the skipped off to Mama Smaggle declaring he’d found the perfect name. I personally think it’s the worst crime ever to steal someone else’s baby name but clearly Daddy Smaggle has no conscience.

2. Do you still have your tonsils? I think so. Unless I spewed them up one night without noticing.

3. Would you bungee jump?I’d like to think I would but I’m quite a sooky la la so I’m thinking no. Also I think it’s kind of stupid. Why the hell would you jump off bridge? For fun? Does it seem bizarre to anyone else?

4. What is your favorite cereal? Not really a cereal gal to be honest. I like a protein shake, porridge or yogurt and fruit.

5. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Hell no.

6. What is your favourite ice cream?Ice cream is my one weakness but I’m on a permanent diet so I like my Weight Watchers cups and I’m seriously becoming addicted to Skinny Cow ice cream as well. I’m also partial to a gelato or sorbet.

7. What is the first thing you notice about people? Usually their best feature but often their clothes.

8. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I was born with out a subtly gland. I often say things that shock people and sometimes I wish I had a mute button.  

9. What was the last thing you ate? Chickenand salad. My last meal in the Smaggle castle.

10. What are you listening to right now?My brand spanking new ipod blasting out some Micky J!I have no idea why I resisted buying a grown up ipod for so long but it’s probably the best thing I have ever done. Including Mr Smaggle.

11. Last movie you watched?The Never Ending Story on DVD!!! I was hanging with my friend Tae’s lovely family in Melbourne yesterday and her little nieces were watching it. I only saw it from half way through but holy crap that’s a damn good movie.

12. What did you dream about last night? That I was best friends with Heath Ledger and that he was still alive. I was also supposed to be the bridesmaid for the wedding of a girl who was getting married in a shopping mall. For some reason, at the last minute I just decided not to do it and got drunk with Heath and Bill Murray instead. The bride was really angry (understandably) and so was her massive and scary family but I didn’t really care because I didn’t have any clue who she was. Plus I had a FABULOUS night with Heath and Bill.

13. What book are you reading?DV by Diana Vreeland and the new Trinny and Susannah. Both are fabulous. I also read some Oscar Wilde today when I got distracted while packing my books.

14. Summer or winter?Spring please! I like cardigan weather. I want it warm enough so I don’t need a jacket but cool enough that I can snuggle into a cashmere pashmina should the mood strike me.

15. Do you have any special talents? I can tie a jelly snake in a knot with my tongue and I can also do the splits.

I’m not tagging anyone but I would LOVE my readers to answer the questions. All of them if you have the time. Even though I’ve been really slack with replying to comments I still adore reading them so comment away my loves!

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

P.S Melbourne was AWESOME! Goss about that soon but to cut a long story short the show was incredible, I met one of my idols, I had a fabulous time hanging out with old friends, I got recognised by this girl who would have to be the cutest lil’ thing I ever met and we chatted and bonded all night, I had my first souvlaki and I bought a frilly apron. Sigh!

Back on Thursday… lets hope Facehunter finds me down there!

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

My bedroom

I have lived in this room since I was 9 years old. The white carpet is covered with glitter and eyeliner and the walls hold the marks of impromptu Flash Dance impersonations, failed cartwheel attempts and over-heated fragrant oil explosions. The window is framed with ivy leaves and the walls are painted a dark, sultry pink. If these walls could talk… I imagine they’d say the most extraordinary things about your Lady Smaggle. She never cries in public, she looks at herself in the mirror when she talks on the phone, when she’s really happy she says it out loud even if she’s alone and she does a fabulous Phantom of the Opera… complete with cape and mask. 

The Bathroom

Can I tell you a secret? I have baths ALL THE TIME. At least three times a week. I take piles of books, fill the bath with bubbles and oils and sit in the delicious warmth until I wrinkle like a prune. This bath is incredible. It’s really long and really deep so you’re completely covered. I was terrified of this bath as a child and now I don’t quite know how I’ll live with out it. I know I sound dramatic but it’s my safety blanket. Imagine if someone took away the ocean? Or chocolate? Or romantic comedies? It’s my haven where I escape for a few hours and when I emerge the world is bright again. Keep your fingers crossed for me that one day I’ll live in a house with a perfect bath again. 

And my boxes still aren’t packed…

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Foto_decadent

Why don’t you…

* Wear brilliant sparkling eyeshadow and encrust your lids with tiny jewels? In turquoise and magenta gems?

* Sweep your hair into a tatty mess and decorate it with brittle willow twigs? Make your head an inviting home for tiny bird friends?

* Wear an extraordinary ball gown to work and bind your waist tightly with a men’s cummerbund? Pin a Christmas decoration to your wasp-like waist?

* Cover your face in the palest of powder and white out your lips with a matte concealer? Make your face look like a photograph stripped of pigment?

* Wear black gloves with the pinky finger cut off? Exposing tiny scarlet-painted nails?

* Wear every piece of neck attire that you own - necklaces, ties, scarves, collars -  everywhere but around your neck? A bow tie on your wrist? A string of pearls around your head? A mess of metal chain pinned to your jacket collar?

* Take to never wearing street clothes in your own home? Perhaps don a Japanese-style robe and turban? A caftan and some bangles? A vintage slip with woolly knee-high socks?

* Wear a wig?

* Paint a tiny pattern of fleurdelis with liquid eyeliner? Just beneath your eye?

* Wear a patterned t-shirt backwards? Keep your front persona completely clean and decorate your back so you leave a lasting impression as you walk away?

In loving memory of Diana Vreeland

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

* Dress thrifted

* Knit top from Valley Girl

* Scarf from Sportsgirl

* Shoes from Big W

* Obi belt thrifted

Today was ridiculously busy. Just about to head out and buy a new phone, have dinner with my man and then work on my portfolio. Then I’m working all day tomorrow and rehearsing all day on Sunday.

What are your plans for the weekend? May I live vicariously through you?

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

I regret to inform you that my love for you is waning. Rest assured that this has nothing to do with your artistic integrity. I think you are extraordinary. It’s far more personal than that. My heart is heavy with your betrayal and the reasons why are threefold -

* You came all the way to Australia and didn’t bother to tell me. This prevented any opportunity for me to be snapped casually lolling on doorsteps in Paddington wearing short-shorts and smoking rollies. Okay, so I don’t live in Sydney, I don’t smoke rollies and I don’t wear shorts but I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR YOU!

* You are not visiting Canberra. I understand why, but that doesn’t stop the pain.

* After seeing you on Fashion Hayley I’ve discovered that you are not only talented but also gorgeous. Why are you not my husband? Poor form.

Despite the fact that my heart is breaking I have compiled a post of your greatest Australian hits.

So well done Facehunter. You’ve managed to capture a delicious assortment of street urchins that represent the spirit of my beloved country. How divinely gorgeous and multi-cultural we are.

Despite your behaviour of late I’ve decided to forgive you, dear Facehunter. After all Trinny and Susannah did it too…

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx 

* Skirt from Brand Depo in Canberra

* Shirt thrifted

* Vest thrifted

* Shoes from Nine West

Here’s a close up of the brooches I’m wearing today. The buttons were free on a Frankie Magazine (my favourite mag for those new readers), the cameo is thrifted, the silver flower came free on one of Mama Smaggle’s shirts and the frog was a prize at a birthday party I went to when I was around eight years old. The birthday girl’s name was Selina but she had a really bogan Australian accent and called herself ‘Seloina’. I remember wanting to correct her every time she said it but realising in all my eight-year-old wisdom that it probably wasn’t a good idea to correct someone on their own name. Plus she threw great birthday parties and I didn’t want to jeopardise my position on the guest list.

I’m off to rescue Mr Smaggle and Mr Squiggle (his brother) who have both managed to kill their cars at the same time. Honestly.

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx