This post was originally published in 2015
Like most children of the 90s, I grew up on a steady musical diet of Alanis Morissette and Courtney Love. As a result, when I transitioned into adulthood, I had to re-teach myself that the world didn’t hate me and wasn’t out to get me. Jagged Little Pill taught me that life was just one big disappointment after another for which a combination of unsuitable men and whisky was the only cure. Now that I’m a little older and a little wiser, I’ve mastered a mind trick that has saved me (on multiple occasions) from diving head first into bed with any handsome dickhead with a half decent bottle of Jack Daniels (pre-Mr Smaggle of course) whenever life has given me a proverbial kick in my nether regions. Here’s what I do.
I force myself to have realistic expectations about life.
You probably aren’t going to want to hear this but most of the time, our disappointment is our own fault because we set ridiculous expectations for the way our lives should pan out and the way people should treat us. Even if you’re a fairly logical person, everyone has the ability to over-expect things in life. We expect too much from our jobs, from our partners, from our kids, from our friends and in the end we end up feeling more disappointed than we really should.
Take jobs for instance. A few years ago a teacher friend of mine had been at her school for six years, so it was kind of her ‘turn’ to be made permanent that year. She applied, had one of those weird interviews with her existing boss and was feeling super excited about being a permanent member of staff. The executive teachers ended up giving the permanent position to someone else and she was devastated. The sad thing is that I saw it coming. The other teacher who got the permanent job was more qualified, had more experience and at that stage in her career was more valuable to the school. It was heartbreaking to watch because my friend is a wonderful teacher and really deserved the permanent job but she ignored the facts of the situation and ended up deeply disappointed.
Relationships are another whopping great catalyst for causing undue disappointment. This comes not only from unrealistic expectations but also comparative expectations. For example when I was in university, I was dating this guy casually but I was getting a bit keen for it turn into an exclusive scenario. One of my girlfriends had recently put an ultimatum on a guy she was dating, saying she wanted to go exclusive or she’d have to break it off. He promptly asked her to be his girlfriend and invited her over to meet his parents that night. I thought that sounded flipping sweet, so next time I saw my guy, I gave him the ultimatum and waited to be showered with affection and promise rings. Needless to say that didn’t happen. Actually nothing happened, he didn’t say anything at all because he was really stoned at the time and didn’t even remember us having the conversation a week later when he booty called me. My best mate cajoled me at the time, saying he was an asshole but he really wasn’t. The majority of my disappointment came from me randomly deciding what his reaction to my question was going to be and getting upset when he did something different. If I had looked at the facts honestly, I would have known that Stoney McStonerson wasn’t going to be the Prince Charming I was looking for. I also would have been a lot less upset when he fell asleep instead of answering me when I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend.
None of this means that you aren’t allowed to ugly cry into a box of tissues while watching Bridget Jones’s Diary after a break up. You’re also more than entitled to self-medicate Lindsay-Lohen-style at lunch time on a Wednesday after you’ve just been fired from your job. I’m just suggesting that if you have realistic expectations in the first place, it’ll soften the blow and speed up the recovery time.
So the next time you feel really disappointed by something ask yourself this question.
Did I have realistic expectations about the outcome of this situation?
You’re going to have more unsuccessful interviews than successful ones. Your boyfriend is not going to propose to you more times than he will. Your kids are going to clean their room one time for every four thousand times you want them to. These are facts and they won’t change, so the sooner you accept them, the less crushed you’ll be when you don’t get that job you applied for or that cutie from the bar doesn’t call you back.
Also, don’t you dare let this article stop you from striving to acheive your goals. That’s not the point I’m trying to make at all. Goals are different to expectations. No one can take your goals away from you but almost anyone can under-deliver on an expectation. Ditch your expectations and concentrate on your goals. You’ll be so much happier, I promise.
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Do you think your expectations might be making you miserable?
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33 Comments
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Such wise words from one so young. It’s true and kind of ties in with not blaming others for your unhappiness. Of course other people’s actions can cause you unhappiness, but if you examine your expectations you might see things differently. Deep today, my lovely. Happy Straya Day xx
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Thank you love! That’s a very nice comment to read. That’s exactly right – you can’t help it when other people are assholes but you can make it easier to deal with by not expecting dickheads to behave well.
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I agree (and like the proviso of not giving up goals) – but also don’t settle for other’s low expectations either (particularly in relationships).
Having just read your post on menstruation, that is one where I had no expectations but the outcome was even worse than I could have imagined, had I thought to imagine anything. Having had ‘the talk’, and been presented with ‘Are you there God – it’s me, Margaret’, I didn’t think it would be a great experience, but to start the second day of high school, jumping from a school with 50 kids in my year to 270, unexpected teariness and creeping into the toilets so no-one could see the pads in my paper bag (and had it leaked, through the dress, all the nightmares – shudder – awful).
It’s never been wonderful, but actually, it slowly got better than that that first few months (at least the humiliation started to decrease). Loving having to talk to my very extravert, super inquisitive daughter in the next three years or so (not) – she will be very different to me I know, and I’m guessing she won’t stop talking about it!
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I had a horrific leak in year 7 too! It was horrible. I went to a catholic school and you were only allowed to wear your jumper tied around your waist for one reason. If you leaked on your uniform. So humiliating.
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Carly you are an angel, I need to give a huge hug. I am trying to retrain my brain and the thought processes in certain situations – especially in letting my daughters fly and allowing them to be who they are in achieving all they want too. I am blogging about how you are helping me today. Thank you, thank you beautiful lady. V x
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Oh my goodness what a lovely compliment thank you so much! Hopefully we’ll meet one day and have a proper squeeze! 🙂
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Comedy is found in between who we really are and who we think we are – i read this somewhere while at the hairdressers and haven’t forgot it. Has helped me get back my perspective many times .
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Oh I like that! I think we can all benefit from taking a proper a look at ourselves from time to time!
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Agreed.
I assumed you’d mention the redonk expectations people have of themselves too. That shit gets us in major trouble.
Life plans of meet the guy at X age, married by Y age, kids easily… or that we should look/do/be some unattainable or just not in line with ourselves creatures. These things doom us to failure – of expectations.Free yourself from that = happiness.
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I think the expectations we place on ourselves are different. On a very basic level, we’re in charge of the outcome of those expectations and sometimes we haven’t lived up to our own expectations because we set ourselves up for failure or because we were a bit shit and didn’t do the things we promised ourselves we’d do. We have no control over what other people do ever, so this post was more about managing expectations from other people. I do think it’s very dangerous to put time limits on things though like getting married by the time you’re 30.
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There is the other end of the scale – sometimes we expect things not to go well, in the hope that it will cushion us from the disappointment. It often doesn’t. It’s ok to hope.
I think we all need to learn to suffer disappointment or even heartbreak. Sometimes even with reasonable expectations things go spectacularly batshit, and there is no protection from the fallout. Just gotta ride it.-
Oh definitely! Sometimes shit things happen and you just need to deal with it but it’s like all those kids that audition for Australian Idol. They’re up against thousands of other people and for some reason no one ever told them that they aren’t very good so they audition and think they’re going to be the next Jessica Mauboy and they get crushed when they don’t make it through the first round. Realistic expectations would definitely help in this situation.
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and how fuckin’ awesome was Jagged Little Pill! Apparently it was a break up from the goofy guy off the show “Full House”.
Alanis never surpassed that album. She is at her best when she was wronged.-
It was! I remember that! She was super excellent in Jagged LIttle Pill. I freaking love that album.
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these are wise words thankyou smags! … sometimes I need to be reminded!
let’s say I’ve come a long way from my childhood in the 50’s where we had to be perfect!
a teenager in the rebellious 60’s and a mature age art student in the 90’s!
many self help books and therapy sessions later!
mainly I don’t have too many high expectations anymore!
I no longer need or desire to be perfect!
in fact most of my art is about embracing imperfection!
no wonder I love R.E.M. “loosing my religion!” … love m:)X-
Brilliant! I do find that the older I get, the less I care. Looking forward to more of that in the future!
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There is a hauntingly beautiful phrase that I, rather ironically, read in a book called ‘The Happiness Project’ and the author talks about the ‘sadness of our limitations’. That we can’t all be vets, astronauts and actors etc and I completely agree. Whilst I think there is a great pain on being average when you truly believe that you have something ‘bigger and better’ within (this is my current problem), there is nothing wrong with seeking to be average and happy with that but that’s an entire book within itself!
Essentially what I’m saying is this – I completely agree with you Carly 🙂 -
You are absolutely kicking it outta the field lately, Smags. Every post is a gem. This one in particular. Just quietly, I think you’ve nailed the reason why most people are mostly a bit sad most days. x
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Carly, fantastic article. I honestly think this is why I’m a bit sad most days – I have always had high expectation for everything, stemming from a childhood where I was told if I worked hard I could achieve everything. This is just not true. Sometimes no matter how hard you work/try/are deserving of, you just don’t get what you want. I agree with setting lower expectations possibly leading to being generally happier in life.
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I reckon you are right on the money here Smags! I see so much of this around me. So much in life can be out of our control – our expectations though are not and we need to take ownership of that and minimise life’s inevitable disappointments. x
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Word.
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While we had Alanis, kids these days have Taylor to tell them just to Shake it Off 😉
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Well said
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Thank you! It was difficult to word it!
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Great article. Stepping away from expectations of other people is a huge step and one can that be really hard (especially around parents for me – he’s my Dad, he SHOULD be behaving in a certain way etc, etc). I’m certainly not perfect at it but I do try to put this into practice this in my life. Expecting that a person will behave a certain way (especially when they have not done so in the past) is really just setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s not them, it’s you. We’re smarter than that now. Thank goodness!
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Yes! 1000 times yes. Expecting people’s behaviour to change especially when they’ve displayed consistent behaviour for years is bonkers!
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So Good. Love this post.
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Thank you!
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This has really hit a nerve with me! Great post. But it’s so hard not to!! I will try though!
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It is hard but it makes life so much easier!
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I swear, most of my stress comes from expectations that have no base in reality! Great post, Carly.
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Absolutely! I’m the same – I worry a lot that’s why I need to tell myself this stuff.
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[…] While we’re on the topic of ‘things we believe about ourselves’, I must (again, for about the hundredth week in a row) link to Smaggle and her words about how your unrealistic expectations are ruining your life. […]
[…] While we’re on the topic of ‘things we believe about ourselves’, I must (again, for about the hundredth week in a row) link to Smaggle and her words about how your unrealistic expectations are ruining your life. […]
