Do We Want a Wedding or a Marriage?

Do We Want a Wedding or a Marriage?
Carly Jacobs

A few years ago I had a rather interesting conversation with a girl I used to work with and it’s left me pondering what people really want when they say that they want to get married. When I caught up with this girl at a function, I asked about her partner of four years and immediately wished I hadn’t. They’d broken up since the last time I saw her. Awkward. She told me that he couldn’t commit and so she had to break it off with him although it broke her heart. We’d had a few glasses of wine so we continued to talk about it. I had met her partner several times and he was, in a word, awesome. Extremely loyal, very funny, ambitious, good looking. One of those good on paper, great in person kind of guys. They owned property and a dog together so the split was pretty brutal, she said.

Hang on a minute, I said. You just told me he couldn’t commit? She said yeah, he wouldn’t put a ring on it so I kicked him to the curb! I was stunned. There’s a mighty big difference between not being able to commit and not wanting to get married. This girl had made a massive mistake. What’s worse was that she was completely aware of it but had this resigned air of her hands being tied. Marriage was just not something she could compromise on and that was that. This guy had bought a house with her and a pet and wanted to start a family with her. That sounded like a marriage to me. He even suggested eloping. What the girl wanted was a wedding. She didn’t break up with him because he couldn’t commit, she broke up with him because she didn’t get a ring and a party. Literally a ring and a party. So why was it so important? Important enough to end a fantastic relationship with a great guy? And for what? To find some mediocre guy to have a wedding with?

I’m not anti-marriage or even anti-wedding. I love weddings, I’m like Hire-A-Bridesmaid over here. I’ll often befriend a random bride and invite myself over for seven hours of invitation construction with shitty champagne and stale macaroons and love every second of it. Bring on the weddings! What I’m against is people thinking that weddings are mandatory. If people need or want to be married, that’s fine. If they can afford and want a wedding then that’s just grand. If they want to invite me, that’s even better. I’m just not comfortable with the notion that a wedding is expected or deserved. By either person in the relationship or anyone else. I can respect that there are traditional and religious exceptions sometimes but for the most part, a wedding should be wanted by both the people participating in it. As should a marriage.

I often hear single women saying that they want to get married but they have to find a guy first. Not ‘the right guy’ just ‘a guy’. I’ve heard single guys say that they just ‘want to be married’. I find that incredibly bizarre. To me it’s like someone saying I want to have a hip replacement, I just need to break my hip first.

Over to you… do you think twenty-somethings are obsessed with weddings?

What do you think motivates people to get married in 2012? Have you ever been to a wedding that was a wedding for the sake of a wedding?

*  Also I personally can’t take marriage very seriously while homosexual couples are still excluded from it in Australia. It makes me feel icky that my relationship is valued differently to another relationship based purely on the fact my man and I are packing different junk. It’s ridiculous.

67 Comments

  1. Anonymous 5 years ago

    My husband and I got married in City Hall five days after we got engaged.  We set up a charity registry for chickens and goats through Heifer Int’l.  It was perfect for us.
    I think eloping (or having small weddings) is extremely romantic.  It says, “I just want to be married to *you*.”  I still get grief from my mother sometimes, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I love the idea of that also. I mean proposals are private so it’s odd that the actual vows are so public. 

  2. Anonymous 5 years ago

    I’ll admit I want a wedding and couldnt care less about marriage. I want that big party with the white dress that the media portrays to us so often. You dont get many chances to party like that with all of your family and being surrounded by family is the thing i have loved most about the weddings i have attended. That said, I dont care about the marriage certificate, de facto couples pretty much have the same rights as married couples these days and id rather not get married if its going to end in divorce (a negative thought, but im going off the stats here). I think maybe the reason i dont care about the marriage part could be because im not in a relationship so i can’t imagine wanting to marry someone in particular, but the wedding i could just be to anyone as long as all my family were there too haha 🙂 xx

    • Liv B 5 years ago

      Just because you don’t get married doesn’t make the de facto ‘divorce’ any easier. You might not be in the stats but it’s still awful to go through. How about marrying yourself, like in SATC? Wear the white dress, have the big party & commit to being good to yourself for the rest of your life 🙂

      • Jackiall 2 years ago

        I married myself five years ago. Small party in my apartment. Whitney Houston playing. Mom walked me down the aisle. Friend officiated. Cousin wrote a poem called “Woman that I am.” Made vows to nyself. Ten people there. We ate and they roasted me. Cost three hundred bucks for all the stuff. Fun times.

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      As long you own it babe. 

      • Kimberley 5 years ago

        I eloped the first time at City Hall, and it was a marriage from hell. After the divorce I reconnected with my friend of 12 years and we are now wedding planning. I’m viewing it more as a giant party with our family and friends. To us, I think the most important thing is the ceremony performed by his uncle and reading our written vows in front of the people who knew we were perfect for each other all along. Our reception is in my parents’ home, and I’m doing my best to keep the inane details (who the heck needs chair sashes?) to a minimum.

  3. Nessbow 5 years ago

    I think there is a certain amount of pressure on young couples (and young singles) to get married.  I’ve been in a relationship for eight years, and I do feel pressured sometimes by my friends, family and even workmates to walk down the aisle.  I do want to get married (both for the marriage and for the wedding) but I’m happy to wait.  My partner and I own a house together and have a couple of pets, and that’s enough commitment for now. I think I’m pretty secure in my relationship, and I know that we both want to spend our lives together, so I’m not in any rush to get married.  

    I do know quite a few women my age who are desperate to get married.  Some are in relationships, while some are single.  In many cases, the desperation seems to come from the desire for the wedding itself, rather than in finding a partner to spend your life with.

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I’m even guilty of putting pressure on people. My cousin is getting married to her man of ten years in November and I feel like I’ve been waiting for this FOREVER!

  4. Emma 5 years ago

    My husband and I flew to Fiji five years ago and eloped. I didn’t need the expensive party, the big white dress (I wore fuschia!) and all the fluff that goes with weddings. I just wanted to be married – and I’d marry him again in a heartbeat. So I don’t understand why just the one wedding day is so important – when you are committing to a marriage for every day for the rest of your life.

    And I also can’t understand why homosexual couples cannot marry – if nothing else, with the divorce rate at 50%, maybe they will improve the odds of staying married…

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I love that you wore fuscia! 

      If I wanted to get married I’d love to elope but my mother would heart broken if I got married and she wasn’t there. She’d pretend it was okay but I know she’d be disappointed. 

    • Kaz 5 years ago

      Whilst I agree with you that gay marriage should be legalized, you’re a bit off with your stats on divorce rates – it’s more like 30% in Australia. See 
      http://www.aifs.gov.au/institute/pubs/factssheets/2011/fw2011/fw2011a.html for more info. 
      Considering the much higher divorce rates in many other countries, I think that people in Australia do take marriage fairly seriously in general. We do tend to cohabitate a lot more than previous generations did. 

      I’m having a wedding in December, partly because I do like the idea of the big white dress, but more because having a wedding is very important to our families. We’re only having a small wedding, nothing like house deposit sized – just an informal one in a country winery with close friends and family only.  My tax return this year is paying for most of it 🙂

      I don’t get why some women seem to think they need a giant extravaganza wedding. It bothers me a little bit that people will spend a house deposit on it! 

  5. Hadley 5 years ago

    I’m 32 and have never been interested in having a wedding. Yes I want  to be  married but I’ll elope thanks. I don’t have time for all that planning and even if I did, I find the whole thing rather over the top. Why would I want to spend all that money on one fleeting occasion when I could put it towards a home or travelling the world?

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I know that’s the same for me. If I had that money why would I spent on that?

  6. Amy Estes 5 years ago

    My boyfriend and I will celebrate five years in December. We are not married, we’re not talking about it and neither of us really cares. On occasion, I fantasize about the ring and the party, but really, I feel very committed and happy. We share a home, he’s part of my family and we choose every day to be together. It makes me sad that so many people fixate on having these crazy expensive affairs but don’t think about what’s next in terms of living together and being married. While we may choose to get married before we have a baby, I definitely don’t think that a serious commitment and marriage are tied.

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      See I’m a jeweller and I really don’t like diamonds so my man is screwed if he wants to get me a traditional ring. He buys me jewellery all the time though so I’m not fussed. 

  7. nadine 5 years ago

    Wonderful post. Completely agree. What a mistake she’s made… 

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I know, it was awful talking to her about it. 

  8. Jess Van Den 5 years ago

    I was with a lovely guy for 8 years, but left him because he wouldn’t marry me. I wanted to get married, I KNEW he wanted to get married… but that was just the SYMPTOM of the fact we weren’t the right people for each other, despite the fact we loved each other very much, right up to the end. There were other underlying issues there that neither of us could compromise on. And it wasn’t at all about the ‘wedding’, it was about the marriage.

    Within 8 months of our breakup we had both met the people to whom we are now married. He married his girl, I married my guy.

    I was never interested in a ‘wedding’ – I wanted the commitment and security that marriage provides. The fact that this person is willing to bind themselves to you (ostensibly for the rest of your lives) is what marriage is about for me.

    I proposed to my now-husband after we’d been together for 18 months, and he couldn’t have been happier. We had a cheap beach wedding with champagne and cake, and our guests brought their own lunches for a picnic in the park. Then we had a party back at my parent’s property, where friends and family provided the food.

    It was the best day of my life, and it cost very little. The best thing about it was this awesome dude who stood up in front of all our family and friends and said ‘I want you, forever’. And it’s the only time all of those special people in our lives will ever be in one place. That’s what made it awesome 🙂

    So I’m all for marriage – and I hold out hope that EVERYONE will have the opportunity to make that commitment very soon. 

    I never really thought being married would change the way we felt, but you know what? It does. It really does provide a whole new level of… something. I can’t even put it into words (and I am not at all religious/spiritual/whatever).

    I’m 31, btw, got married at 28 🙂

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I absolutely love the idea of a BYO picnic wedding. I’ve tried to force so many of my friends to do it! 

    • Otali Cyril 4 years ago

      It’s cool to understand the purpose of your relationship. Some relationships don’t lead to marriage. I so happy for you that both of you decided to face the reality.

  9. Anonymous 5 years ago

    This hits home a little!

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I agree. Getting married is not going to make splitting up any harder if you own property and have kids. At least not in Australia anyway. And marriage is not going to make anyone less likely to be unfaithful. 

  10. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this! Wow Carly you have hit the nail on the head! I don’t know whether twenty-somethings are obsessed with weddings but I do know that my thirty-something friends are obsessed with ‘being married’… My partner and I have a house and two kids yet get asked CONSTANTLY when we’re going to make it official. Hmmm… stupid question much? But I translate their obsession into obsession with the wedding part, not the marriage part because really, we’ve got the marriage part – committed to each other for life? Yep.  Evidence? A house and two kids is surely about as much evidence as you need?!

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      Thank you! I was terrified about publishing this but thank fully the trolls haven’t seemed to come out of the word work on this on…yet! 

      • AnnaD 5 years ago

        You know that a troll is someone that goes out of their way to antagonise you and make you feel bad and isn’t just someone that disagrees with your point of view? I’ve been to far too many discussion sites where you’re labelled as a troll simply for not towing the party line. It infuriates me. Please don’t perpetuate this way of thought – it stops good discussion! 

        Sorry, just had to get that off my chest 😛 

        • Author
          Smaggle 5 years ago

          Oh I know what a troll is! I don’t discourage good discussion at all but every time I write an article like this I have people misread and misquote my writing – like they actually re-type something I’ve written to make it sound worse. I’m all ‘Dude! The post is right there, people know I didn’t say that!’. I’ve been called a bitch on numerous occasions – once because I said that I prefer my hair curly to straight. Seriously. 

          I love a good debate! And I never delete comments. 

          x

  11. Emma Robertson 5 years ago

    I’m quite young (22) and my husband and I lived together before we got married. I really didn’t think that marriage would change anything. We were so committed to one another and I felt like it couldn’t get any better, but marriage actually changed things. Vowing  in a ceremony (we had a very lovely but modest wedding) and exchanging rings was incredibly meaningful in a way I didn’t expect it be. I’m very glad we got married. I understand it might not be for everyone, but I certainly enjoy it. I think it’s silly when women think they need a huge wedding to be happy. After our ceremony my husband and I did talk about how lovely an elopement would have been as well. I think it’s romantic. And I feel very bad for the poor girl who couldn’t get over the party aspect of marriage and just be with such a wonderful man. Great post.

    xo,
     Em

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      That’s exactly how I feel. I’m already practically married to my man so it would literally be about the wedding if we got married. And neither of us have the money, time or inclination for that right now. 

  12. Alicia 5 years ago

    It’s common knowledge amongst my family and friends I’ll probably never “marry” in the traditional sense. 

    The idea of having a wedding actually makes my skin crawl. All I ever see about weddings is that they’re expensive, elaborate affairs masquerading as a celebration for the couple getting married when most of the time they’re really about everybody else.

    I have no problem with commitment, my last relationship lasted 9 years. I want all the things that everyone else wants in a relationship… but I don’t feel like I need it all validated by paper, a party and a dress.

    A friend once told me that if he ever had children he’d have to marry his partner because she was Australian and he was British, and the marriage would cover the children should they ever want to claim dual citizenship. I’m not sure on the technicalities of this and if it’s true… but that is a good reason for a piece of paper. Although if I had to do that I’d elope.

    Although I don’t even know if I want children so that may never be an issue 😉

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I’m EXACTLY the same. I also have no intention of changing my name, so really what’s the point?

      • Alicia 5 years ago

        Originally I was very anti-name change (for myself), but lately I realised that I don’t use my full name for work so it would make no difference if I changed it or not. 

        Again it’s more of an issue of convenience regarding children — my sister is a single mother and is constantly called “Mrs. Son’s-Surname” or “Ms. Son’s-Surname” which is not her name! But that’s another thing I don’t even know will happen to me.I DO however like the idea of a couple picking their own surname.

  13. sar - Accidentallentil 5 years ago

    what a sad story. I don;t know if we will ever get married but we’ve got a kid and are living like we’re married so it wouldn’t make a big difference! 

  14. Nicole 5 years ago

    I never wanted to get married. I was just not that person.  And then I met up with and got into a relationship with someone who lived in another country. Had we been from the same country, I think we just would have been in a long term (forever) relationship which never involved the legal document of a “marriage” or the ceremony of a wedding.
    As it was, we thought the idea of not seeing eachother every single day was pretty shitty so we got married. It was incredibly small – five “guests” – we both wore suits, had one glass of cheap champagne and a slice of ice cream cake and then went off somewhere by ourselves for the rest of the night.
    We don’t like his family so the day itself was horrendously uncomfortable, probably one of the worst of my life. We were kind of pressured into having the ceremony at all because we both would have preferred the city hall route.
    It doesn’t really bother me though because the point was just to get to hang out every day with the best person in the world and that we do.
    I don’t have an engagement ring and a very plain wedding ring. Apparently that weirds people out a lot. I’ve had a lot of women voice that they think my husband “ripped me off” by not giving me a big fat diamond. They can’t comprehend that I was the one that didn’t want anything to do with an engagement ring.

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      My man and I have discusses that, because it’s likely that either one of us at any stage will have to move OS and it might just be easier to be married for Visas and stuff. I get the ripped off thing completely. My man is younger than me and we’ve been together for 6 years so I get the whole ‘he’s just not ready to commit’ thing. Argh! 

      • Nicole 5 years ago

         Why are people so pushy when it comes to super patriarchal, dated traditions? Don’t even get me started on how much we get asked when we’re having kids. They generally don’t appreciate the answer of “NEVER!”

        How is a strong relationship of 6 years not a celebrated thing?

  15. Harlow 5 years ago

    Sometimes, I feel like I am the only person with a vagina that doesn’t care for weddings… I hate all that is involved with the idea of having a wedding, so we will probably just get registered for legal reasons when we feel like it and that’s that. When my friends/family ask about the idea of having a wedding, I just shrug. I couldn’t think of a worse headache than organizing one!

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I know right? I just don’t have the stength. I think it’s because I’m too busy planning other people’s weddings! 🙂

  16. Shannon Gillespie 5 years ago

    I’m a wedding photographer and I’ve seen more than a few couples who thought a lot more about the wedding than the marriage (and put more effort and expense into the wedding). 
    I think there is a real sense of entitlement, especially amongst women. People seem to have this mindset of ‘I deserve a big diamond. I deserve an expensive dress. I deserve a day with all eyes on me, no matter that it costs the same amount as a house deposit and I deserve a guy who is thrilled to give that to me.’ I think it’s strange. A bigger diamond does NOT mean he loves you more, or he’ll stay with you longer. An expensive white dress is not going to mean you live happily ever after. 

    My favourite weddings have been ones where the bride and groom are happy. They can be big weddings or small weddings, lavish or DIY, but you can tell that all the details are just add ons and the most important thing is saying “I do” to the person you love. Those are the weddings I’m glad I have a camera glued to my face so no one can see me tear up!

    Personally, I want to be married, but I don’t care so much about the wedding. I have two kids and a business to run – I’d much rather spend the cash on something practical and have the simplest wedding ever. It’s much more about saying “I’m happy to spend my whole life with you” than it is about having a party or getting super bling! 

    • Author
      Smaggle 5 years ago

      I have friends that used be wedding planners and they said that the kind of couples that hire wedding planners have a higher divorce than any other kind of couple. 

      • Shannon Gillespie 5 years ago

        That sounds right. 

        As much as I like getting paid, I’d rather do a small commission for a intimate, love filled wedding, than do a huge event that’s purely for the sake of the event.

      • Polka Dot Bride 5 years ago

         See I’m all for wedding planners (or at the very least “project managers” for the day.) Saves you stressing out on the day that table centrepieces are in the right place, the music is cued, that if the flowers are late someone can call. Just that knowledge that you don’t have to worry about any single thing and can focus on what matters without being disturbed because Uncle Harry lost the directions.

  17. Fiona 5 years ago

    I’m only getting hitched at the registry if  need the piece of paper, say for a visa :p

  18. Daisy 5 years ago

    I get the desire for a wedding, I really do. But only as an extension and celebration of the love that binds two people.

    My husband and I had a registry marriage, with 10 of our nearest and dearest. I had a “wedding” coat and Pal wore jeans. The entire thing cost under $1000 including our rings, accommodation, the actual cost of marriage and food at our favorite restaurant afterwards.

    I still think its the best wedding I’ve ever been too!

  19. Tara 5 years ago

    Amen to that.  My husband and I were engaged for a total of six weeks because it doesn’t take much more time than that to organise a kick-ass party and buy a red dress.  We’ve been married ten years and often look at couples enmeshed in endless wedding dramas and wonder if they have a fricking clue how irrelevant all of these details are, and how much better off they would be if they put that effort into their relationship and that money into their future.

    We have since thought long and hard about why we actually decided to get married and whether it makes a lick of difference to our commitment to each other (it doesn’t).  We have also seen too many heterosexual couples devalue the institution of marriage that we fundamentally can’t accept that homosexual couples can’t marry.  It’s insane and offensive and makes me embarrassed to be married.

    I have never regretted not having a wedding – and i’m damn proud of our rock solid marriage.

  20. Omega 5 years ago

    A group of friends have been talking about holding a fabulous party – in a fancy ballroom, with a dessert buffet (ice sculptures, chocolate fountain!), where the dress code is “ridiculously bridal” . Some of them have poofy marshmallow dresses in the wardrobe they’d love to wear again and others aren’t married and/or don’t want to be, but just want the big dress and the swanning around and the party…. I want there to be couches to swoon on and a big dancefloor to twirl around on… 

    In my head this is going to be called the “Havisham Ball”, because, well, it’s obvious really… 

  21. Hayley B 5 years ago

    I’m pretty wedding obsessed I’ll admit… but extremely opposed to spending a fortune. So not necessary. I just want to have a fun time celebrating our love with the people closest to us. I don’t think marriage will feel very different from our day to day life as is, since I’ve known in my heart from about 2 weeks in that I’m with my man! And I agree, I feel like if I don’t do the expensive, traditional thing, that people will think it’s odd! I’d rather spend money on things that will benefit us for more than one day!! Great post. X

  22. Granthrax 5 years ago

    God, I want to feel sorry for this girl, but at the same time I want to scream “WAKE THE FUCK UP!”
     
    A lot of my friends are getting married these days, being in the tail-end of our twenties generally, and it has made me think a lot about my future. I’m lucky to have found a guy that I adore, and while previously I was absolutely opposed to the idea of getting ‘Gay Married’; at almost two years together it feels like something I might someday want. I’ll sheepishly admit that yes, lately I’ve found myself day-dreaming about saying “I love you, let’s be together forever” in front of our family and friends, and where specifically in Canberra this would happen, and what we’de be wearing, and what sort of canapes would be served, and what gifts I’d get and then have to return…
     
    I know, however, without a shadow of doubt that it is not something my guy would ever be interested in ever, for a raft of reasons that I truly understand.
     
    Am I going to break off the best thing that has ever happened to me romantically because I don’t get my 24 hours of bride-zilla madness???
     
    The answer, of course, is no. No because I love him, and I’ll happily put his needs before my wants. No because I know my friends and family know me well enough to tollerate me throwing myself a parade, and not having to use a ‘commitment ceremony’ to justify that. No because at the end of the day, he proves to me that he loves me in a thousand little ways.
     
    I really do feel sorry for this girl. She had it all, she was too blind to see it, and now she is dating again. Dating – ugh! I cannot think of a worse punishment than that which she has inflicted on herself.
     

  23. Kristie 5 years ago

    My husband and I both are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and because of that, we chose not to have sex until after we were married. In our religion marriage is something very beautiful and sacred (we even make eternal promises to each other in our temples). I honestly wished we had focused more on that aspect than on the “party” aspect of our wedding. I wish we had settled for a cheap ring and booked a day in the temple as soon as we knew we wanted to get married for sure. Instead, we saved up and planned and stressed for 9 months to be able to afford the part. In the end, we were drained, exhausted and broke. If I could do it all over again, I’d just book the temple and forget about the rest.

  24. Louise 5 years ago

    I got married at the registry office, with only a few friends and family there. I think about doing it properly one day, or all our families to be able to celebrate us. For now as a student, probably not going to happen, but it’s no big thing for us… We are happy as we are. After working in suit hire for a summer in my early 20’s I was nearly put off for life… Domestics in our sales room anyone?

  25. Biancachad 5 years ago

    My partner and myself have been together for 8 years. In that time we have lived together, traveled, built a house and now have three beautiful children. BUT!!! we are not married 🙁  
    My best friend has forward me this link and well done Cas it has got me thinking!!! What do i want??? Yes i want a ring what girl doesnt want a big fat diamond, and yes i want a party i love to party, but most of all i want a marrage i want to be married, I think and feel it will complete what we have, to announce it to all my family and friends that we love each other and want to spend it together till we grow old, i want to hear him say it and then i will truelly know in my heart that he is my soul mate. Maybe its reasurrance to know that i have made the right decsion that he is my soul mate. I come from a broken family and i find marrage very important. I want the same last name on my medicare card, I hate looking at it when im at the doctors it upsets me. I finally worked up enough courage to ask my partner the question “why arent we married?” He says “we are married just unoffically”

    So i just wait now 🙁

    • Darkossphere 5 years ago

      Thata a cop out. You have 3 kids and him knowing about your broken home, he should want to especially because it means so much to you. By the way I eloped.

  26. JessB 5 years ago

    Oh gosh, how sad that that lady let true love slip through her fingers! And how sad that they couldn’t communicate and compromise. It sounds like he was willing, with the suggestion of eloping, but she couldn’t.

    I think that is what a marriage is to me, communication and compromise. Reading these comments has been brilliant – I love parties, and to me a wedding is one of the best excuses for a party you can have! I can’t wait to have a big party when (if) I get married, but the best thing about it will be knowing that I’m starting the rest of my life with someone I love more than anyone else in the world, and who feels the same about me. I’m fairly religious, so the ceremony of thanking God for bringing that person into my life, and asking Him to bless our relationship means so much to me.

    I can’t wait to get married!

    Also, I’m going to steal the idea of a BYO picnic lunch for my 30th birthday later this year, I think!

  27. Polka Dot Bride 5 years ago

    Not me. Nope totally not obsessed with weddings.

    Really though, I’m more into the idea of what a wedding can represent, the coming together of two people, the community, the joining of families, the experiences, the memories and this little festival that people embrace you in to lift you up for the new journey your partake in.

    And cake.

  28. Michelle 5 years ago

    Silly silly friend, I agree with you.  If I ever find my forever man and he wanted to get married then I prob would but it’s not on my to-do list.  I’m 24,  not obsessed with weddings and it pisses me off that homosexual couples in New Zealand have to get a civil union instead of being married, hopefully that changes soon!

  29. Elikit 5 years ago

    I think the whole wedding craze is just a symptom of the fairy tale, story-ending fantasy. So you get married, because that’s what “happy ever after” means, and your friends and family want you to get married because that’s you sorted. Like, there’s that story done and we don’t have to worry about those two!

    If people conceived of marriage and a wedding as a beginning of the story, I’d like to believe no one would actually spend a house-deposit sized amount of money on one freaking day.

  30. Erica 5 years ago

    Thank you so much for posting this! Everyone around me has wedding and/or baby fever right now it seems! It is so refreshing to know that there are others who feel the same way that I do!

  31. dana 5 years ago

    sounds like he dodged a bullet, honestly.  why marry someone that only wants the wedding and not to be married to you? 
    my husband and i lived together for a couple of years before we finally got married.  i was surprised how different the relationship felt after “officially” getting married.  there was a comfort to it for both of us that we weren’t expecting. our “wedding” was small, in our back yard, we didn’t even have any vows, just close friends and family and we had the whole thing catered.   it worked for us, but everyone is different.  we are both very introverted, so a big flashy wedding would not have made any sense for us.

    right now i’m reading elizabeth gilbert’s book, “committed” and it’s fascinating.  a great read for the single, the married, the shackin’ up, the skeptic and the romantic alike.  the history of matrimony is really interesting and thank god we live in a time and a place that women can choose when and who (as long as it’s a man, i suppose) we marry.  it gives me hope that marriage will continue to evolve, as it always has, to include same-sex couples.  

    ~dana

  32. missmakeupgrrl 5 years ago

    I always feel slightly ashamed,  like I have a dirty secret for actually wanting to be married. Its funny how not wanting to be married used to be the *gasp!* thing that a woman should never do.

     My parents have been married for 40+ years, and while I wouldn’t say its a happy marriage all the time, it is certainly s0lid. It stems from my family that I want the ‘family’ that a marriage provides via the committment to each other. (*and thats a personal preference)

     I was always the kid who said i’d never get married, so it stings a little to be the 31 year old WANTING to get married – something that only struck when I was about 30. I feel like now that I want it, I cant have it.

    Ive had relationships that I know I could have turned into marriage, but I was always waiting for the ‘right guy’ and now I wonder – having found the right guy – or so I thought (and it didn’t work out… he bailed) if the whole concept of the right person is a pipe dream that sets our expectations too high?

    Either way, I admit here – I do want to get married. I dont really care about the wedding. I can’t imagine the whole big frou frou dress – just something simple.

     Smaggles friend – was it so wrong that big wedding was a deal breaker for her? Why are his needs so much more important? Its one day – and a whole lot of money – but if that is what it took to make your other half happy…. wouldn’t you? (and I do have a female friend who wanted a basic wedding, and her husband wanted the 400+ shabang. It does happen.)

  33. Lauren Cass 5 years ago

    Hmmm I’m a little surprised by some of the comments on here as it seems like we’re very quick to judge others for their preferences. Who the hell cares if someone wants to have a huge wedding complete with frou-frou dress that costs $100k. If that’s what makes them happy then what business is it of ours?

    Your friend sounds like she made a very difficult decision and for others to imply that she did that lightly (particularly those who have never met her) is offensive. I don’t know her, but I feel sorry for her. Perhaps the fact that it came to that was an indication that they weren’t right for each other.

    I never cared much for marriage when i was younger, but now that I’m getting older (I’m 29) and I’ve met someone special my views have changed.There is something incredibly romantic about standing up in front of everyone you care about and committing to another person. I also really want to take my boyfriends name, I know its totally old fashioned but I love that it signifies the start of a new family and its something I’d be proud to do.

    Every couple needs to do what’s right for them and to hell with what the rest of the world thinks of your choice!

  34. AJ 5 years ago

    Yes, yes, yes. My boyfriend of 6 years proposed last October. I always knew I wanted to marry, to be his wife, but I don’t want a wedding. When I tell people this they just don’t understand. His mother and sister are particularly unable to understand this, and all they ever talk about is “the wedding.” They never discuss the marriage, or what the marriage means. I’ve been dragging my feet about any planning, simply because I don’t want the wedding. Even my fiance, when I discussed my feelings said, “if you didn’t want a wedding, why did you tell me you wanted to get married!” He could not separate the two!

    • Otali Cyril 4 years ago

      Please both of you need to talk it out together. Marriage begins after the wedding, hence, concentrate your plans on your marriage life not just on a mere party/occasion.

  35. Otali Cyril 4 years ago

    So many would have been homes have been crashed because of
    wedding party stuff. The problem is mainly from the ladies who want heaven and
    earth all in the name of wedding party. Here in Nigeria, people even take loan
    (or borrow money from others) to finance their wedding party, some of these
    loans may not be fully repaid even after one-year anniversary of their wedding.
    I think our girl-child need to be well educated to understand that marriage
    begins after the wedding. They should learn to plan for life after the wedding occasion
    (not just be limited on the wedding party). No reasonable guy will like to
    waste all his earned money on just one day party. The young lady want her
    wedding to be the talk of the town without minding the financial implication on
    my brother!

  36. Amy 4 years ago

    Personally I feel like a wedding IS important, it doesn’t matter how fancy or grandiose the wedding is but marriage should be a bigger deal than people make it out to be. It’s a sad world where people can live together, have a family and pets and a home together, yet they’re afraid of the ” I do’s”. Marriage started as a religious ceremony that was extremely important and vital if you wanted to spend the rest of your life with another person, being religious myself I wish some of the impact of marriage would come back. It bothers me that some people don’t want to commit to marriage, and it also bothers me that a lot of people that do want to commit are solely in it for the big party, the beautiful dress, and the pricy ring. Marriage should be much more important than these insignificant wastes of money for any gay, lesbian or straight couple that wants to signify just how much they love and care for each other, through everything life has to throw at them.

  37. Cora 1 year ago

    I was in a brilliant relationship with my fiancé all through college. We were excited to get married and neither of us were terrible concerned with a wedding and had spoken of privately exchanging vows and maybe holding a reception for family. We just wanted to spend our lives together and didn’t really care about when we got married or the wedding its self. Which makes the fact that our wedding is what sent us spiraling into anger and sadness a little devastating.

    It wasn’t until we got closer to graduating college that his family began putting pressure on us, not only to have a wedding but a large scale traditional wedding, and in a hurry. The more we pushed back the more intense the guilt trips became and the more they tried to put us against eachother. We got phone calls late at night about how they wouldn’t speak to us if we didn’t marry before living together, others where they wept about us not loving them enough to include them, and we eventually broke.

    Looking back I wish we had ignored them, because even though we married only a month after graduation in a festivity we hated and couldn’t afford, it didn’t make them happy. They found new things to find fault with and to hurt us with. Additionally that day now stands as the worst day of our lives, a day where we felt utterly divided and broken. He was so depressed & felt so guilty that day he hardly looked at me & I was so crushed and defeated that I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. It took us three years to heal as a couple and learn to defend ourselves individually and one another.

Pingbacks

  1. […] because I really just don’t understand what is going on these days. Reading the following article really made think and pushed me to […]

Leave a Reply