What No One Tells You About Having A Baby

What No One Tells You About Having A Baby
Carly Jacobs

Usually, when I read articles with titles like this I’m astounded at how the writer of said article avoided being told the things she claims she wasn’t told. Sleep deprivation, the loss of autonomy over your own body, how difficult labour is – these are invariably at the top of the ‘no one ever told me’ list.

This is baffling to me because being pregnant seemed to be an open invitation for other parents to verbal diarrhea all the shit parts of procreation at me. I couldn’t have avoided being told these things if I tried… and believe me, I tried. Not because I didn’t want to know these things, it’s because I already knew these things. Literally, not a day passed in my pregnancy where I wasn’t reminded of how my life was about to implode.

‘Oh you’re pregnant? Say goodbye to sleep! Ha ha ha!’

‘Oh you’re pregnant? Your body is no longer your own so get used to that!’

‘Oh you’re pregnant? Giving birth is the most pain you will ever experience. Ever.’

Since the arrival of our sweet baby girl three weeks ago, I can confirm that all of this stuff is true but none of it has been remotely surprising. I knew I wasn’t going to get much sleep, that I’d be a milk-slave to my growing girl and that pushing a turkey-sized baby out my nostril sized cervix was going to be pretty bloody horrific. To be fair, it’s important information and I’m grateful people are honest because going into parenthood in blissful ignorance would be an extremely rude shock. It was the relentless repetition of said information that really wore me down, especially at the end when I finally looked pregnant and became fair game for any stranger on the street who’d birthed a child. So when someone says ‘No one ever told me how little sleep I would get after having a baby!’ I’m like ‘Seriously? Have you even met a parent?’

In the first few weeks of being a parent, there have certainly been many surprises. Mostly lovely, some difficult, many hilarious surprises too. Here’s a list of things that no one actually told me about having a baby…

1. There’s a lot more nakedness than I anticipated  

For the first two weeks between having skin to skin time, learning to breastfeed and pumping milk, I pretty much didn’t wear clothes unless I knew someone was coming over. It was like Tits Out McGraw 24-7. Putting my bra and clothes back on after feeding when I was just going to pump and then do some skin to skin seemed pointless. I’ve never been a hugely naked person and I’ve especially never liked my boobs to be unbridled but I really dug those first few weeks of wearing nothing but a pair of black cottontails while I got to know this tiny creature who relied solely on my breast milk to survive. It was weirdly comfortable and primal. Also before a feed, my boobs look amazing. Huge and pert. Under normal circumstances, my boobs are on the small/pointy side (which I honestly quite like – they’re very manageable) but I can’t say I hate copping an eyeful of these big round hooters every time I walk past a mirror. They look like porn star boobs and I find them endlessly entertaining.

2. Baby poos can be audible

And they often are. It’s hilarious and also convenient because we can usually hear when our girl needs a nappy change. We’ve also come to enjoy the phenomenon that we’ve dubbed the ‘live stream’ – a wee which occurs in the three seconds between nappy changes. Hats is a master of the live stream and bless her freaking adorable cotton socks, always seems to save them for when daddy changes her nappy. We’re yet to experience a live dump but I’ll be sure to let you know when we do.

3. Breastfeeding sucks for almost everyone in the beginning but in totally different ways

Harriet was an amazing latcher and good feeder from the get go but I still ended up in a world of engorgement pain  and nipple trauma because although her latch started off well she’d get lazy and let my nipple slip to the front of her mouth where she’d sluggishly chew on it for a while. I was told repeatedly that it’s ‘not normal’ for breastfeeding to hurt but what everyone meant was that it IS normal for it to hurt in the beginning, just not forever. Every woman I know who has breastfed has had some kind of pain or transition period they had to get used to. I’m sure there are a few women who had no issues at all with breastfeeding but for the most part, there’s at least a week, sometimes two, of hell before it starts working itself out. I had an awful week of sobbing through feeds because it hurt so much – I’m not 100% there yet but I no longer dread feeding my girl and it’s getting better every day. I’d been told so much about nipple pain and mastitis but I hadn’t heard anything about engorgement pain, which ended up being my biggest issue. Weird right?

4. You can experience contractions when you’re breastfeeding

I’m not sure if this happens to everyone and I’d never heard of this until I was breastfeeding Harri in the hospital and I had what felt like contractions when I was feeding her. I panicked a little and told one of the midwives and it turns out it’s totally normal. It’s the body expelling the excess uterus gunk that’s left over from giving birth. I’m sure it’s more scientific and specific than that but I wasn’t expecting it and it’s definitely not something I’d been told before. I also bled more heavily during breastfeeding sessions for the first week or so which is apparently very common but again, I had never heard of it. So I’m popping that information out there for anyone who is breastfeeding their new baby and freaking out that their uterus is trying to come to the party. FOMO uterus = totally normal.

5. You might get night sweats 

In the first two weeks after giving birth, I was waking up in the middle of night in a puddle of my own sweat, regardless of whether I was hot or cold. Turns out, it’s totally normal and it’s just excess estrogen leaving my body. Good to know and nice to be able to strike ‘bird flu’ off the list of possible causes.

6. You might not hate your post-birth body

I had someone comment on a post I wrote when I was pregnant telling me to smash all my mirrors because I wouldn’t want to look at myself for at least the first 6 weeks after giving birth. I want to hug that person and tell her how beautiful she is because I’m heartbroken that anyone would feel that way about their miraculous body after doing something so incredible. Post-birth, I don’t hate my body at all, I think it’s totally brilliant. I also must have a very short memory but (to me) my body looks really similar to the way it did before I got pregnant. My tummy is soft but it’s always been soft so I’m not exactly crying myself to sleep over the loss of my non-existent Victoria’s Secret model-esque waistline. My boobs (currently enormous) are going to be a watch-this-space situation for at least another year but they’re just boobs – a good bra can fix them right up. I’m aware that I’m not ‘done’ with my potential body changes yet but with pregnancy and birth behind me, I reckon the hardest bit is done and I feel even better about my body than I ever have. It did a really, really cool thing last year. It grew, birthed and fed my gorgeous daughter. My body rocks.

7. When/if your waters break, it’s nothing like the movies 

When I was pregnant, I asked lots of my friends about their births. I was most interested in the waters breaking part as this seems to be a pivotal moment in the birthing process according to most romcoms and hospital dramas. Disappointingly, most of my friends have no recollection of their waters breaking at all and if they do, it was during labour at the hospital when they had more important things to worry about, so most of them barely noticed. I had dinner with my best mate a few days before I went into labour and she told me about her waters breaking and how it’s pretty rare for it to happen before anything else happens. Only about 15% of women have their waters break before going into labour. Hollywood would have you believe that it happens to everyone. So thanks to that conversation, I wasn’t expecting my waters to break. Naturally, I was extremely shocked when my waters broke at 3am, three days before Harriet was born. It didn’t happen in an almighty splash, it was more like a constant trickle. And I mean constant – your waters keep replenishing themselves the whole time you’re in labour. No one ever told me that. I thought it was like emptying a container of water but it’s more like a tap – it just keeps on flowing. I spent a good 16 hours with a towel wedged between my legs before my contractions started. Ah the miracle of childbirth!

8. You might feel fine after giving birth 

I had an extremely long labour (41 hours from first contractions to when our girl was born) but the actual birth was great. I had minimal damage and was up having a shower and walking to the recovering suite within two hours of Harriet’s arrival and we got to take our girl home the very next day. I’m certainly not trying to discount the experiences of women who have traumatic births and long recoveries (they’re my heros – my long but uncomplicated birth was still really hard work!) but I actually didn’t know you could feel almost normal shortly after giving birth. Honestly, the worst part for me was that in my labour-pain induced haze I thought I was getting ‘relief’ from scratching my thighs with my fingernails through contractions, so post-birth my legs looked like I’d fought a pack of feral cats in a rose bush but that was really the worst of it and my self inflicted wounds have totally healed now. We went to cafes, shops, the supermarket, the city and the park within a few days of Harriet’s arrival and all because I felt totally fine. I was expecting to be couch bound for a while so it was actually a very pleasant surprise.

9. Midwives are angel humans 

My epic labour spanned across three shift changes at the Royal Women’s Hospital in Melbourne so I ended up with about eight different midwives throughout my birth. I was there so long that the first midwife that was monitoring my birth was rostered on again at the end of my birth and when she walked in the room she said ‘Carly! How are you still here???’. All the midwives we had were incredible. Each one was totally different but they all had this magical air about them. I felt so supported and safe throughout my birthing experience and I don’t take that for granted for a moment. I was sad every time one of the midwives would go off shift but she’d quickly be replaced by another amazing midwife who made the whole experience totally glorious. Every single one of them stopped by the postnatal ward on their own time to check on us and meet Harriet on their next shift. They were all totally calm, very friendly, very professional and unbelievably supportive. It was also fascinating how varied their jobs are. They’re supervising births, visiting people in their homes, doing pregnancy check-ups – the skills set these people have is extraordinary. My birth experience was wonderful and I’m so grateful to the extraordinary staff at the Royal Women’s for that.

The best surprise of all is how much I love being a parent. Harriet is such a delicious bundle of joy, we’re just so in love with her. She’s funny and goofy and brings so much laughter and light to our lives. She’s also made me a lot calmer which sounds crazy (who the hell is calm when they have a newborn?) but I’m finding that I take things slower, I breathe more deeply and I’m more comfortable with stillness and silence than I’ve ever been. She’s a very chilled baby and it’s definitely rubbing off on me.

What did no one tell you about having a baby? Anything that totally threw you in the first few weeks of having a newborn?

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35 Comments

  1. Linda 2 weeks ago

    That’s a lovely list. Very realistic and not needlessly terrifying! Congratulations on your lovely little girl.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      Thank you! I’m trying to be very careful about my language – there’s enough needless negativity in this space so I’m aiming for positive and realistic.

  2. Nadine 2 weeks ago

    Completely agree – a lovely list. Having babies/children is nothing like the movies (or nappie ads on TV!) – but is actually better in so many REAL ways. It brings you eye wateringly close to LIFE in all its messy, painful, funny, tragic, beautiful and poignant reality.
    Love to you and your beautiful new family unit Carly, Nadine. xx

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      She shat right on me yesterday and I laughed for about half an hour. Parenting is so much easier when you think poo is funny.

  3. Reannon 2 weeks ago

    I was very young when I had my first lot of kids so all my friends were still talking about nightclub escapades so nobody told me anything!!! But I think woman need to talk more about the fact motherhood can be mind numbingly boring at times & it’s ok say you aren’t enjoying it. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids, OF COURSE you do, but there were times I was struggling so hard & I just kept thinking “ I don’t want to do this. I need a break from all this Mum stuff” but didn’t feel like I could say it in case people thought I didn’t love my kids or was ungrateful for my 4 healthy offspring.
    I also don’t think you get told how sleep deprivation can change you. And I’m not talking the few months of waking to feed little babies, I’m talking yeeeeeears of getting no more than 2-3 hours sleep in a row. That shit really does change you. But once your kids do eventually learn the art of sleeping for long periods of time you go back to being yourself again. Thank god!
    And finally, nobody ever told me that your kids will break your heart worse than any man ever will, especially when they are teenagers. Or that when they do leave home you literally feel incomplete without them in your home every night. And that you will never, ever stop wanting to make their lives easier, better, happier. Even when they no longer want that from you, you will still order all their favourite groceries to be delivered to their houses, you’ll make all their favourite foods when they come to visit, your heart will burst with pride over & over again at every big or small achievement and that you should ALWAYS accept those hugs, even when your all human contacted out ( it happens when you’ve got lots of kids) because one day they don’t come so freely or often.
    Congrats Carly, welcome to your little girl. Enjoy the ride, it’s a friggin blast xxx

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      Pretty much all of my friends have kids (they’re mostly older than me!) so I’ve been very lucky. I’m still in the early days of sleep deprivation but I’m hoping it won’t take 3 years for her to sleep through the night!

  4. Daisy 2 weeks ago

    The breastfeeding contractions are often called ‘after pains’ and they tend to get worse with each baby you have. With my third I would take pain meds shortly before feeds to manage them better. It’s strange that people don’t tend to talk about this, but I think maybe not everyone has them.

    Your pics make me want to have another one. I love that dinosaur outfit!

    • Katie 2 weeks ago

      So true Daisy! It’s been over 20 years since my last “baby” but oh my those pains were truly hideous and, like you say, got worst with the second one. It was enough to have you dreading a feed. Reading Carly’s article brought on an almost involuntary contraction of remembrance.
      Thankfully it does go and serves a useful purpose.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      Yeah it was so weird, no one ever mention them to me – Mine weren’t too terrible just like period pain really but I kind of liked it because it felt like I was cleansing everytime I breast fed.

    • Suzanne Crosbie 2 weeks ago

      Yes I had bad after pains with my first and they did get worse with each child. I also suffered with retained placenta and had resulting issues with this as well. On the plus side, I had a super flat stomach inside a week. The midwives were always shocked when they came to check my uterus progress after the birth. I was wearing a crop top a week after my second baby was born. Rachel Hunter had just given birth and the tabloids were touting how amazing she was. I was like …pfft hahaha

  5. George 2 weeks ago

    Can relate to all of this – our bodies are amazing and a big yay for the Royal Women’s Hospital and our public health system to keep us and our babies safe and cared for throughout these uncertain times.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      I’m in awe of our healthcare system – I was listening to a horrific podcast this morning about a guy in America and his rubbish work health care plan and I’m so grateful to live here.

  6. KezUnprepared 2 weeks ago

    Love all of these things! I remember the peace and nakedness in those early days with my son. The stillness. I had anxiety that I should have got help for but I still remember those serene moments fondly.
    I don’t regret having my C-sections (best for both babies in my circumstances) but I do envy you mamas who could get up and get moving as soon as you felt like it! Amazing what our bodies can do!
    Would you believe that I knew about the post natal bleeding but I must have filed it away in my brain as a non urgent fact and when it was happening after my son was born, I admit that I was quietly surprised, like WTF? Oh yeah. Forgot about that! I pretended I’d expected it all along LOL – played it real cool! Thing is, nobody actually ever told me – we all focus on the actual birth haha. I must have read it somewhere of my own accord.
    Midwives are amazing. I have so much love and respect for them. I only had one bad one and I’m glad I’ll never see her again! She was a straight up jerk!
    I am so so happy for you and Mr Smags. She is a lucky baby too xoxo

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      To be honest, I find the nights anxiety inducing not because she’s bad at night (she’s actually great!) I just have weird anticipation of having a ‘bad’ night. It’s bound to happen but I’m randomly quite worried about it for no real reason.

      • KezUnprepared 2 weeks ago

        Oh I understand. After a few bad nights you get all weird about the nights to come. In time you’ll start to feel some acceptance and as much as it can make the day time a bit harder to wade through, you’ll adapt! This reminds me of something else nobody told me about: you get insomnia when your baby starts sleeping well! Fun, hey!

  7. Steph 2 weeks ago

    Lovely list! The thing that surprised me the most when I had my son was that you bring home a total stranger. I suppose that is obvious really, but I’d dreamt about him for so long that I felt like I knew him. Until he was born and I realised – oh yeah – we haven’t met. I’m your mum…
    It was very exciting but quite surreal bringing a new family member home when we had been such a tight unit.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      That’s such an interesting experience – I didn’t feel like that at all although mates of mine did. I felt I really got to know her over the 9 months – I know that sounds weird but that’s what it felt like. Mr Smags was so excited to get his hands on her – he’d been waiting for so long.

  8. Vanessa 2 weeks ago

    No one told me how scary it was to poop after giving birth. Omg! I got told to hold a pad against the front while I went – i didnt realise I’d also pee through it and it would end up on the floor as well. I think I cried. ?

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      Ah see I WAS told about that – and as such ate prunes like a crazy woman leading up to the birth and it turned out to be fine. Probably because I ate so many prunes!

  9. Vicki 2 weeks ago

    Love hearing all of this. Reminds me of both my births. I loved my body as well. I’m so amazed at all that our bodies do.
    Huge hugs lovely.
    Enjoy your precious darling
    V xo

  10. Kaitlyn 2 weeks ago

    Great list Carly! I didnt realise that only about 15% of peoples waters break prior to contractions and most are a slow trickle either. I did read about in the weeks leading up to giving birth. So imagine then my suprise when my watersended up breaking in a true movie style big gush, luckily at my front door outside. I was so shocked!

  11. Rachael 2 weeks ago

    OMG the night sweats!! I got them big time after my first and could find hardly any info on them. I guess they aren’t as common as some other post birth doozies. Nice to know I wasn’t alone in my sweat pool phase after all! Ha!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      I wasn’t even noticing half of them – Mr Smags was getting into bed and noticing I was basically swimming in a pool of my sweat!

  12. Lauren 2 weeks ago

    My water breaking was exactly the same as yours! I was not expecting that at all. I felt a little trickle immediately like slight bladder leakage but yeah it just kept trickling out for the 5 days before she actually came. Also my belly looked really concave and deflated around my belly button area after a few days because of it which was weird.
    Man the night sweats too! I had extreme nightmares with mine too, dreaming that I’d lost my baby in the bed and couldn’t find her! It was honestly terrifying and I would wake up screaming at my husband in a panic. I was told its when your milk comes in and for me (and a friend) it happened again when I weaned my daughter. I’d never heard that one! Another thing that happened to me that sounds totally creepy and taboo was that the nipple stimulation and maybe hormone rush when I breastfed made me aroused. I googled this and its apparently a thing and has nothing to do with weird thoughts towards the baby but apparently a poor woman in America who called a mother’s help line got reported for sexual assault and investigated by police and child services! No wonder no one mentions it! ?

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      I was terrified of my waters trickling for that long – I was having a lot of fluid loss so it’s not like I could have just gone around business as usual! Thankfully contractions started in about 16 hours. That’s so awful for that poor mother! I was actaully thinking the other day because I have very sensitive nipples how I wasn’t aroused by it! 🙂

  13. Reyna 2 weeks ago

    Such a good list! No one told me about tongue and lip ties and every pediatrician and lactation consultant assured me my baby didn’t have one, but 3 months of bleeding nipples later, someone finally figured it out and saved us! Still happily nursing over here after that trauma!

    And my waters breaking was totally like a movie, I expecting the normal way but it was a huge gush that soaked everything and continued to soak a beach towel in minutes!

    It’s so fun to see everyone’s different experience and I LOVE the sweet pictures of your babe! So happy for you!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      I’ve been super pushy about getting lip/tongue ties diagnosed and everything seems okay on that front (no bleeding nipples thankfully!) but the whole lip/tongue tie is such a big issue! And me too! I was trickle/gushing – soaking through towels by the dozen!

  14. natalietheremarkablesgroupcomau 2 weeks ago

    Precious notes Carly

  15. Missy D 2 weeks ago

    Haha, this is great. I have a friend who had her first child last year and yeah she kept saying she was so surprised by the lack of sleep. I was like, ‘Are you serious? It is literally ALL parents talk about… no sleep.’

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 2 weeks ago

      I know right? I’m in the lack of sleep phase right now and I’m like ‘Yep. This is exactly what they’ve all been talking about… continuosly… non-stop… forever and ever.’ 🙂

  16. Nessbow 2 weeks ago

    The continuous trickle of the waters was something I learned about when my cousin was expecting her first baby. I was skyping with her in the early stages of her labour and she just stopped talking and yelled for her husband to bring another towel. When I asked what was happening, she said “Oh, my waters broke an hour ago and I’ve got a pretty consistent flow happening” and I’m like “What are you talking about?” I had no idea that it wasn’t just a single, sudden gush.

  17. Maz 3 days ago

    No one tells you that your hair falls out and clogs the drain – for MONTHS – post birth.

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