5 Ways Television Lied To You

By Carly Jacobs

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With the recent release of many TV subscription services in Australia, I’ve been bingeing in an unholy way on American trash TV. Beverly Hills, Friday Night Lights, Pretty Little Liars, Degrassi New Class… I’m out of control and I love it. However, there are a few regular plot holes I’ve noticed in almost every show that I find to be very poor representations of real life. I know they’re TV shows and I know they need story drivers but on the whole, US television needs to know the damage they’re doing to impressionable young minds.

Lie #1 – Teenagers are incapable of drinking alcohol without ending up in a stranger’s bed/a police station/a hospital

I drank all the tequila when I was sixteen and woke up with nothing more than a dry mouth and a hangover. Obviously, it’s not terribly responsible to spruik uneventful and casual underage drinking but the way the US tv shows depict teen drinking is rather sensationalist. A typical ‘Hey kids don’t drink booze!’ storyline could include such activities as driving drunk, having sex with multiple people in one night, losing their virginity in very unsavoury circumstances, poisoning the next door neighbour’s dog or telling everyone their sister is really their mum. It’s stretching it just a tad. Also if you slip someone alcohol at a party they’ll get wasted really easily and embarrass themselves or they’ll have a threesome with you. Every. Single. Time. Of course, all of these scenarios are possible but they’re pretty rare. When my mates and I drank in high school the worst thing we ever did was puke in the bushes.

Reference: The episode in Beverly Hills 90210 where Donna Martin gets wasted for the first time ever in her life and for some strange reason on those grounds is unable to graduate from high school. BECAUSE DRINKING HAS CONSEQUENCES. But don’t fret petals. The students of Beverly High had a Save Donna Martin rally and all was forgiven. Of course.

Lie #2 – There’s endless time in every day

A typical day in the life of an American television character might include a session of morning studying, followed by a long in-depth conversation with her parents, then a full school day, with a rehearsal at lunchtime, school newspaper meeting after school, hocky practice after that, a shift at the local coffee shop where she works, a study date with her super hot boyfriend, a leisurely sit down dinner with her parents, the completion of a huge school paper that’s due the next day, the watching of a comedy movie with her BBF and then all tucked up in bed by midnight when her super hot boyfriend climbs through the window for a bit of a dry hump before sleep time. She will also have had time to apply a full face of makeup and tidy her giant bedroom to anal retentive standards. It’s literally and physically impossible to do all of those things in one day.

Reference: Spencer Hastings on Pretty Little Liars. I shit you not, that chick must have a Tardis. (I’m a Whovian now. Just FYI.)

Lie #3 – You will definitely have a sheet-clutching orgasm the first time you have sex

The depiction of first-time sex in La La Land is often a gross misrepresentation of what it was actually like for every other living person on the planet. There’s candlelight, slow unbuttoning of shirts, whispers of love, long lingering kisses and then inevitably the gal is left writhing around on the sheets, having her first delightful, yet rather shocking orgasm. However, this scenario is reserved only for good little girls who wait for the right guy. Everyone else has to lose it on a golf course to some guy they met at a party and then deal with the word ‘SLUT’ being written all over their locker the next day at school. Such bollocks. Sex is great but the first time it’s kind of awkward and usually funny. Also if you know of any woman who had a back arching orgasm the very first time she had sex, please send me her email address as I would like to buy her a congratulatory cocktail.

Reference: Joey Potter sweetly losing her virginity to Pacey in Dawson’s Creek vs Kelly Taylor losing her V-plates to ‘Some guy in the woods who didn’t even put down a blanket.‘

Lie #4 – No one is ever in a rush in the morning

In American TV shows, the characters get these little pockets of morning time that real people just don’t get. They have time to curl their eyelashes, squeeze fresh orange juice, have lengthy conversations with their mother about how much the school play is eating into her study time, fold 400 flyers for the school carnival that coming weekend and then casually bake a batch of friands for French class. I have never in my life met a teenager that eats breakfast, fully clothed, sitting at a table while conversing audibly with another human. At least not pre-10am.

Reference: Any episode of Full House. DJ Tanner could get more shit done in the fifteen minutes before she left for school than I can get done in three days.

Lie #5 – If someone is gossiping you will definitely overhear them. Probably in the girls toilet.

The amount of sensitive information that is loudly discussed in American TV school toilets is beyond ridiculous. If I was a character on a teen drama I’d set up camp in one of the toilet stalls and be the first to get the scoop. That’s where I’d find out that Stacey cheated on the history test and that Jason gave that new girl chlamydia. In real life, people know how to whisper and not have incriminating and very audible conversations in public toilets where there’s plenty of room for people to hide and listen to everything you say.

Reference: Most episodes of Degrassi High Next Gen. Most things people say in toilets at Degrassi gets filmed on a ‘video phone’ and emailed around the school. Such technology. Much sharing.

What have you seen on TV shows that have made you go WTF?

P.S Also you should totally sign up for my newsletter. It’s full of cool stuff.

P.P.S Don’t forget Crochet Coach has a free trial offer period at the moment so make sure you sign up!

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About Carly Jacobs

Carly is the founding editor of Smaggle which launched in 2007 back when blogging was weird. She has appeared in The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, Cosmopolitan and Cleo magazines. Hoop earrings are totally her thing and she almost got run over by Myf Warhurst while out jogging one day.

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