This rant is aimed squarely at all the ‘hip’ new cocktail bars that are springing up, uninvited I might add, in my previously dull and blissfully boring city. Every week some millionaire property owner opens a new bar on a derelict street, wanting to pimp it as a funky new district. I don’t mind the actual bars themselves. They usually have very flattering lighting, sinful cocktails, grope-worthy bar tenders and funky DJ’s. They also have ridiculously ambivalent toilet signs. I may be old school in my opinion on this but I need a very clear FEMALE or MALE sign with both words and a little picture of a man in pants or a lady in a dress. When bathroom matters are involved there is no place for suggestion. I need clear cut directions. I went to a new restaurant last week and after one too many glasses of wine I sauntered off to the toilet. I swear both signs were identical. They were a weird mass of glittery swirls and I couldn’t find any indication of sex on either of them. I must have stood there for two whole minutes until finally one of the impossibly cute waiters tapped the correct door and said ‘This one love, can you see the F?’ I smiled politely and walked through the door but in my head I was screaming ‘No I can’t see the F! I’ll give you an F! Your trendy mullet sucks and your door signs are redundant!’. I actually went back to have a second go and I stared at the mofo like it was a magic eye picture and I still couldn’t get it.
The inappropriateness of these signs is beyond belief especially as most of the people who use these toilets are drunk. Well I usually am. The main Irish pub in my city has ‘Mya’ and ‘Fir’ or something like that written on the toilets. Presumably they mean male and female but how would one know this? Especially when one has had four Guiness’ and the cover band is starting to play ‘500 Miles’ and you need to get back to the dance floor pronto. Thankfully it’s always so busy with regulars that I can usually find the bathroom by following one of the intoxicated, muffin-top sporting eighteen year olds that frequent this particular pub. However I’m still miffed that I have to rely on the habits of the great unwashed to find my way in this maze of hell they like to call public bathrooms.
Amongst all this mayhem my question is this – why? I get that clubs and pubs want to do the designer thing but surely someone can design a pleasing toilet sign that actually indicates whether or not vaginas are welcome. Otherwise you’ll have a drunk Lady Smaggle squinting and stumbling outside the toilets and accusing poor defenceless waiters of having bad hair. What happens if one of the afore mentioned muffin toppers accidentally leads me into the male toilet? I’m traumatised just thinking about it.
What about you my lovely? What’s got you all cranky this week?
Love Lady Smaggle
xxx
23 Comments
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I’m with you on the toilet signs honey! Especially in Irish bars… on the off chance that I happen to not speak a little Gaelic, some sort of visual reference would be great 🙂
My other rant is glands… without fail the day after I’ve finished a really stressful time (deadlines, events, whatever) I wake up in the morning feeling like crap… like superhuman abilities were keeping me from getting sick while I was so busy and now they have disappeared. Grrrr. -
I’m directing my rant at the plebians that I work with.
1# Yes, I dress nicely. I wear clothes that look good, and make me feel wonderful. You wear a yellow saftey vest. This isn’t because I’m stuck up (I am, but this isn’t why); but because I want to. You should know that if I was unfortunate enough to have your job, I’d still wear what I’m wearing- perfectly accessorising my fucking yellow vest!
2# Close the bloody door when you come into my office! I know you’re upset we get airconditioning and you don’t. I feel for you. but I also feel for my feet, and when you leave the door open, my feet feel like stomping you into the ground.
3# Yes, I use the un-marked bathroom which is THOUGHT to be the girls bathroom. It isn’t. That bathroom is mine bitches! When you can learn to use your bathrooms properly, THEN I will share with you.
I feel better now. Thanks Lady Smaggle. Xx
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I once went to a seafood/chowder restaurant while very, very stoned. I was having a hard enough time actually making sure that I was eating my chowder and not sleeping in it- and then when I attempted to go to the bathroom I was greeted by two bathroom doors both in Spanish. Normally it wouldn’t have been such a big deal. This time it was. Someone had to actually grab me by the shoulders and direct me towards the correct door. I still wasn’t sure until I went inside.
My main question- what the f*ck was a seafood restaurant doing with signs written in SPANISH? What does that have to do with chowder?
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hahaha!!! four guinness and 500 miles, what a good mix!
i would love to rant about me serving a thousand and one beers at the REM gig where trading standards were sending round under 18s to catch us out, and if we serve them we get an £80 fine, way more than we were paid.
So I’m sorry if I had to hold up the queue and ID you people of Manchester but my 15 year old brother looks older than you. Half the boys I’m at uni with get 5o’clock shadow at 11am! The amount of women who said ‘gosh, ID! Oh my, you are my new best friend! I haven’t been IDed in years!!’ was very nice but the amount that said ‘what the $%*&, I’m £$*&ing 22 I don’t have any *$!%ing ID with me, &$%^’s sake!! Argh!’
I’m sorry! I had to ask!! It was my job!
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Try reading the signs in Japanese. But over there space is limited so a lot of the time its a Unisex toilet anyway.
I have 1 rant. Why are people not entering my competition? There are some kawaii prizes up for grabs but I have only received 2 entries so far.
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I think it’s in poland, but somewhere I went on my last holiday has a triangle for men and a circle for women. or maybe its the other way around… it was horribly confusing.
I hate the exchange students at uni who turn up in track pants, grubby hoodie and ugg boots, with piles of perfectly applied make-up on their face. So, you care about the appearance of your face but not the rest of your body? -
Today was my first day back at college (or university, whatever you please) and the stupidity of the freshmen and the transfer students is just incredible. Plus a fire alarm went off twice while I was eating lunch, and not in a dining hall, but in one of our on-campus cafeteria-style restaurants!
Plus the lines in the bookstore were insane and will continue to be, and I hate unpacking all of my belongings and re-arranging furniture. And spending far too much money in one day on books and groceries and dinner. But I will have 2 (and a half) jobs this semester, so that will be good? Or bad? I guess we will find out.
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I love your blog! I just discovered it today. It’s amazing I’m still standing after laughing so damn much! You made me snort tea up my nose, but I’ll still love you anyway xxx
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Oooh yes! A toilet rant!
I think a toilet door with that particular sign on it should be kicked off its hinges.
Ahem.
Public conveniences as a whole are usually dire and disgusting. Often
filled with simmering, bevvied up slappers gagging for a fight inbetween poking themselves in the eyes with caked up mascara brushes or offering unasked for fashion/bloke attracting advice. Or surly schoolgirls in rolled up waistband minis and cresosote orange legs having a crafty smoke and scratching defamatory graffiti on the paintwork.Shudder.
However the piece-de-resistance was the motorcycle rally featuring one particular ladies portaloo that had somehow got poo on its ceiling. It takes a special kind of lady to do that.
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I get so embarrassed and oddly weirded out when I’m faced with toilet doors whereby I can’t actually tell which is supposed to be male and female….
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I haven’t had the misfortune of coming across toilet signs like this, as I don’t exactly frequent pubs, bars, cocktail lounges, etc. But once in an airport, I was looking for a bathroom and I found what I discovered was the men’s room by an oddly placed sign (above the doorway? Really?). It was one of those bathrooms where they don’t have a door but there’s a curved hallway for an entrance. Anyway I went the next entrance about 20 feet down the wall and was about to enter when a man walked out, saving me from extreme embarrassment! I realized that the bathroom had two, widely placed entrances and that the women’s restroom was nowhere near….
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I always laugh to myself a little when the lady on the sign is wearing a skirt but I am not.
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HA. I once sauntered into the men’s room at our local movie theater because the whole place was laid out like a mirror image of itself and I just went for the wrong door. No such excuse as yours, it was clearly marked. I was just disoriented. And surprised the hell out of some nice Latino lad at the urinals.
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That’s mad about the Irish bar, I’m from Ireland and I’m sure that would confuse me too after a few drinks. For future reference though; fir is men and mná is women, which isn’t the way around you’d expect I suppose!
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The ‘mya’ and ‘fir’ thing is never good – I don’t think a pub should try to be that authentic when the majority of people entering the toilets are going to be hugely pissed!
One of the worst ones I had was when I saw the ‘Toilets’ sign but when I got there, there was only one door – all the letters had fallen off but an ‘E’. I was like, ‘Ladies’? ‘Men’? Had to hop about waiting for someone else to go in! -
Hah! Just be happy they have two separate toilets! A lot of the trendy-hipster bars I’ve been to in Europe have only one. Personally I don’t care, but at least the new places have an attempt at separation. I was in Paris while the last rugby world cup was on. Only half an hour before the game, we pick a pub in an alley near Chatelet – it’s tiny, we have seats!!! At the bar!!! And a view of the screen!!! Heaven, since I was expecting to be standing up, far from getting a pint when I need one, and looking at the back of some Springbok’s head all night. After a weird episode where a guy wearing an SS pendant insists on buying us drinks for no reason, and minutes later is thrown out by the bar staff, also for now apparent reason, the game starts. We are the only Brits in there and come in for quite a lot of interactions from the French, which as succesfully quelled with the comment “At least we’re not fourth.” Half time and everyone heads for the toilet. It turns out to be about 6 feet square with three urinals (and fifty blokes waiting to use them), one sink and one cubicle in the corner. Me and another girl are standing waiting for the cubicle, when the guy next to me enlists me in banter about the game, and carries on talking even when he’s reached his destination, fished out his johnson and started the process. Nice.
That’s not my rant though. I’m currently in Huizhou, south China for work, and just discovered that the mini-tube of toothpaste I brought is cinnamon flavour. Christ! If you’re going to make freaky flavours like cinnamon, could you at least make the package orange or something? For f*ck’s sake.
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Ali, maybe they were just trying to emulate the national aussie uniform? it alarms me how many tracky-daks and uggs I see at my local supermarket (in a pretty big mall). in summer add men in shorts and work boots and filthy shirts… eating sushi.
My rant this week is my previously tame and harmless uni lecturer launching into a sudden attack of an assignment question, which now requires a 10 page film treatment followed by a script skeleton of about 30 pages. WTF?!
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Just realised I wasn’t very clear – I mean the new unisex toilets are usually designed so even if it’s one space, urinals and cubicles are usually separated by the handwashing area…
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Poorly marked toilet signs should be illegal! Ha! Isn’t it rather necessary that we should be able to spy the male from the female stalls immediately?
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Scribbles – Story of my life! I always get sick on holidays.
Grant – Oh what a bad week you have had my love! Hope Melbourne is treating you better than the terrible Canberra!
Renai – Oh you poor love! I take it you weren’t in Spain? Although I must say the pot may have something to do with this one…? 🙂
Selina – Oh I HATE people who won’t let other people do their jobs. Get lives losers!
Hayley – I so wanted to enter your competition but Mama Smaggle and Mr Smaggle (the bosses of the two houses that I live in) would never let me fluffify the toilet. They are really mean, the pair of them.
Ali – Whoa! I couldn’t handle symbolism like that.
Nicole – Enrolling in uni bites. I’m so glad that part of my life is behind me! I feel for you kid!
Miss Lady Finger – Oh thank you so much! I’m sorry for the late reply I’m not usually this slack I promise. Welcome to Smaggle!
E – Poo on the ceiling? The mind boggles…
Susie – Me too. It’s really embarrassing!
Hannah – I always found that to be quite weird too… when the boys and girls are so far away from each other.
WendyB – Ha! That’s taking the sign a little too literally!
Sal – I’ve done that before. Generally because I’m too busy chatting to people to know where I am walking.
Rach – Ah! Thank you for clearing that up! I thought the M and F were mis-leading for us English speakers. For the record – I love Ireland!
Beanie – Oh that’s awkward. Just put a post it on there or something!
Serpentine – Oh my god. That would RUIN my day. Cinnamon? Why do they even MAKE it in that flavour?
Eileen – It’s all pointless busy until you graduate. That’s the most frustrating thing about it!
The Clothes Horse – I completely agree. Especially seeing as I go from not needing the loo at all to the point where I think I need to go to hospital in a matter of seconds. There is no time for second guessing!
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They were a weird mass of glittery swirls
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Thank you for sharing with us,I too always learn something new from your post!
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