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Come on. You know who I am talking about. Shoulder Lurkers! This socially stunted breed of human usually resides in some kind of office. They seem drawn to finance and technical support but sometimes they weasel their way in to management or PR. They’ll walk quietly into your office and lurk behind you until your skin crawls down your back as you sense the creepy psychopath blowing their stale breath down your neck. You then turn around after having shit your pants and then Jack the Ripper will start a perfectly normal conversation as if this is an acceptable way to gain a persons attention. Shoulder Lurkers like to see what you’re doing and they obviously get their kicks from watching you when you don’t realise they are doing it. Shoulder Lurkers seem blissfully unaware of the unspoken rule of making a small announcement as you enter someone else office. A simple greeting or small knock on the door are generally considered the correct form but the creepy S.L tip toe in, undetected and wait silently until they are caught. Perhaps the creepiest trait of all is that they don’t seem to show any shame when they are caught. Like as if you have just sprung them having a wank and they just go about their business as if nothing strange has happened. These are the people that turn into Panty Sniffers and Toe Lickers. I’ll leave those ones for another Hava-Rant Monday…
A similarly weird social slug is the Long Pauser. I come across these people more regularly than the Shoulder Lurkers. Shoulder Lurkers are quite rare and creepy. Long Pausers are mostly prominent over the phone and are mind-numbingly annoying. Here is an example conversation that I had today with a Long Pauser.
Lady Smaggle – Good morning, The Place Where I Work Centre this is Lady Smaggle, how may I help you?
Long Pauser – Hello. Long pause….. This is Long Pauser. Long Pause….. (I don’t actually know Long Pauser. The long pause was entirely out of place as if Long Pauser was waiting for recognition. It’s an enquiries line. No one knows who you are at the other end of an enquiries line)
Lady Smaggle – Yes? How can I help you?
Long Pauser – I’m calling from Sydney. Long pause…..
Lady Smaggle – …yep.
Long Pauser – I was wondering if you could give me some information?
Lady Smaggle – Sure! No worries! What can I help you with?
Long Pauser – Well I’m calling from Sydney. Long pause…..
Lady Smaggle – Yeah, so how can I help you?
Long Pauser – Long pause….. Well I was wondering when the next available testing date is?
Lady Smaggle – 6th September.
Long Pauser – Oh. Long pause….. You don’t have anything sooner?
Lady Smaggle – Nope. 6th September is the next available test.
Long Pauser – REALLY LONG PAUSE……….. Are you sure?
At this stage I’m banging the phone against my forehead and trying desperately to escape to my happy place, where unicorns frolic in meadows of jelly and where people talk at efficient speeds and I am no longer at risk of developing a frustration induced aneurysm.
Well my pretties it’s your turn! Who pissed you off today? Who made you so angry that you wanted to fling yourself to the floor and chuck a massive tanty? Don’t yell at the douche bag who upset you. That will make you look like a jerk. Tell Lady Smaggle instead! You’ll feel SO MUCH BETTER…
Love Lady Smaggle
xxx
16 Comments
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Who pissed me off: The dude who urinated all over the floor in the loos of my second job… causing me to be a blind fool & slip … ultimately ending up on my arse in a floor of some random dudes piss. Nice, right? Quite literally pissed me off.
& SHOULD LURKERS! They are in every work place aren’t they? Bloody terrible!!
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I used to work in a government call centre. The end (or should I say, long pause). Every day was havarant Monday (which quite appealed to the grumpy old man inside of me).
My real rant for today is, people who will reply in every possible manner to an email without actually addressing the issue or answering the question you asked in the first place. Especially when the question is important and they are the only person with the answer. It’s not a prize lady.
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oh lady smaggle i love you! i have the same issue with long pausers. What i hate even more is people that will call and assume you’re the person to speal to – go on a massive rant or enquiry like “hi i’m from this band and we’re just starting a tour, we’re going to all these towns and we got this great review, did you know we got airplay on this radio station? yes we did and i grew up on a farm, with cows and everything” ad nauseum queue me “yeah, you need to speak to here’s his/her email address” – no i can’t give you their number, no, sorry, no they’re volunteers, yes you’ll have to WRITE IT IN AN EMAIL, no I don;t know when they’ll be in – they’re volunteers, no they don’t keep regular hours, No I CAN’T GIVE YOU THERE NUMBER.
Even better are the ones that leave impossibly long voice mail messages so you have to wait until the end before you have any useful information like a call back number. If it’s not directly related to me I hit delete with .25 seconds.
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ok there was some terrible grammar and spelling in that one right there – that’s what blind ranting does to you. please rest assure i’m not completely illiterate and i do actually know the difference between there/they’re and their.
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My havarant is from yesterday..
Went to the movies and i went to order my usual medium popcorn and drink and i got one of those promotional packs.. which was from a movie that came out well over a month ago.. not only did i feel ripped off (as i feel that particular package was all smaller then usual) i felt like a tool walking into a movie with merc from another movie! Thats probably just me.. Also another thing i have to rant about is that they havent invented cold & flu medicine for pregnant women yet.. so ive had to fight off the flu naturally..
BAH!! i say BAH 🙁 taking waaaayy too long to get better..
xo
Oh & ps its now cupcake, mini cupcake, muffin & theres a new cupcake in the oven a baking 30weeks till its done and im uber excited (also why i havent been posting much) -
Hmmm … you do realise that’s why office chairs have wheels don’t you? Just so you can (ahem) absent-mindedly propel yourself backwards (at great speed, making sure your elbows are similarly primed and sharpened) into any Shoulder Lurker foolish enough to be standing there.
I once resorted to sticking a small mirror on the top edge of my monitor so I could see one particular miscreant – when they wondered out loud to the office in general what that was all about – in some vague attempt to embarrass moi, I felt obliged to similarly avail my colleagues of my shuddering aversion to having a person stand behind me Shoulder Lurker stylee.
They all hurriedly concurred at some volume and Shoulder Lurker subsequently resorted to comedy “I’m here everybody” routines before the shine wore off and they found somewhere else to lurk. Should have considered themselves lucky that they didn’t get battered by another colleague – a lady of a nervous disposition who had been going to self-defense classes. One Shoulder Creep too many over HER shoulder and it would have been a bit of judo and a large helping of crippling pain.
Ahem.
My rant is directed at the 2 smug shoppers whining over losing precious seconds of their time in regard to a new checkout lady getting to grips with her till. Sweeties, the only person who looked stupid was you.
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I have a bona-fide rear view mirror atop my monitor at work. Luckily, I work for a boss who thinks something like that is both acceptable and hilarious. But, as E suggests, even in a less tolerant environment, a strategically placed desk mirror can work wonders for thwarting the Shoulder Lurker!
My rant goes out to the publishing exec who has been stringing me along for 6 weeks about a potential project and is now not answering e-mails OR phone messages. WTF! Ever heard of professional courtesy? Eeeeya.
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I hope it’s not to late to have a rant, even though it is now Tuesday.
My rant comes from Sunday. I took myself to see Sex and the City (again) because I was feeling a little down. After the movie all I could think about was an over priced designer coffee, so I headed to Starbucks to get one. On the way I passed a group of World Youth Day pilgrims and believe it or not, singing nuns. They were doing somthing akin to the Catholic Chicken Dance. Seriously.
When I got to Starbucks I discovered it to be absolutely teaming with WYD pilgrims. I was miffed, but not disheartened, and so I continued on my way looking for somewhere else less populated with Gods people.
Every single cafe in the city was swarming with them. I was beyond annoyed when I made my way home, and I was too busy furiously texting to notice the wall of giggling 12 year old pilgrim girls coming towards me, arms linked, completely blocking my path. When I looked up we came to a sort of stalemate – neirther I nor the gaggle moving. I was about to ask them to kindly stop blocking the road when they cheered in unison ‘Happy World Youth Day!’
So my rant is this: I respect everyone’s right to whatever faith that they subscribe to (Mine is Consumerism), but I DO begrudge everyone the right to get in my personal space about it.
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I had a Long Pauser in front of me at the check out of grotty-over-priced supermarket yesterday:
cashier: “How much [cash] did you want to take out?”
LP:”hmmm… (long pause) how about… (long pause) um, …?”
How about you hurry the hell up and decide?Oh and the egit in the car that joined me on my bike going round a little round-a-bout yesterday, too. Dude. Don’t hit me with your car. It’s not acceptable, ok?
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I have so many Monday have a rants that they are spilling over into the rest of the week. Even though it is now Tuesday the shoulder lurker topic got me so riled that I just had to comment. What do these people want, a written invitation to speak? I also hate people who interrupt you when you are really busy with the most unimportant inane questions. Once or twice I get but every 5 minutes, give me a break! I am also really annoyed at myself for not going to the gym just because my trainer was sick and promising to go for a run when I got home only sook out because it was too cold. Now I won’t be able to go to the gym until Thursday and will wonder why I feel like crap! This is my first comment on your blog, which I love, sorry it has been so self centred. Thank you for providing a highly entertaining reason to procrastinate at work!
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i am doing a reverse have a rant. I promised I would be less negative after my super rant last week. So, here goes 🙂
I quit my job yesterday. And I wrote a very damning bit of material about the unprofessional and disrespectful manner in which my boss runs our department. It has gone to his manager and the manager of HR. I don’t think my boss realises this and is trying to get me to leave earlier than my notice date so that he doesn’t have to hand in this report when the big boss gets back next week. Too late butt wad, she already has it. She already knows how crap you are. I am leaving by choice, but he may not have a choice when I am finished with him
mwahahahahahahaok, so it wasn’t overly positive…but better than usual.
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Ooooh, I hate the long pausers on the phone! But what is perhaps more distressing for me is the cryers! Parents (usually) calling to find out if their child got accepted to my college and they’re in tears before they even here the news! How do I help someone sobbing on the phone when they haven’t heard any bad or good news???
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Carla – I know! I hate that too! Or when someone replies with a yes or no and the question actually required more detail
Katie – I work in a building with a lot of international students who …um… use toilets differently. I feel your pain.
Emma – Hell no. I’m outta there in before they even start speaking.
Cupcake – Oh congratulations! More cupcakes for all!
E – Oh I know what you mean. Like learner drivers when people just speed around them and are real jerks. I think being a nice person is worth more than your time.
Sal – Oh I totally get your meaning! I just auditioned for a play, got a call back and haven’t heard anything since. How rude. I think not contacting people that are waiting for a response is the height of rudeness.
Grant – I’d rather not talk about the Christians. I was terrified when I met a group of them zombie-like in the dark. It is possible to believe in God and not be creepy people.
Marianne – Ooooh! Divided! I was so close to ranting about a biker who cut me off on the highway the other day. I think some bike riders have a death wish. You don’t though obviously and that guy was clearly a jerk.
Just Me – He he Welcome to Smaggle! I live to provide work time distractions!
Mrs Munk – I’ll call you.
The Clothes Horse – I have the same thing! I work in a testing centre where the results may mean that someone has to leave the country. Test result days are always bad.
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tell marketers/telephone companies/work colleagues/etc who call and say their whole long rant for 5 minutes straight, without letting you get a word in before they eventually finish, to either find out a) what theyre talking about has no relevance to you whatsoever b) they had the wrong number c) they end the rant with “is someone within a category that you arent in, home at the moment?”
ahhhhhhhhhhhchchchh!
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i wont post another comment after this because i have so much i could write but i dont want to bore anyone.
im still in high school, and this is painfully common of school halls, but it happens on the street, too.
a) there is a group of giggly girls or jocks who are so cool that they have the god given right to stand either just two of them or 5 of them in the middle of your walkway, giving you basically no room to move around them. your only options: to slide along the wall behind them and pray that you can miraculously become paper thin or just use your arms and elbows and bodyslam your way through them (which is what i always do, i admit.. im not popular among the giggly girls at my school)
b) you are walking down the hall/street and find you have to share a small pathway with one person that youre walking straight towards. instead of trying to move slightly to the side so that both of you can go through, they decide that you are a ghost and they can walk right through you, so that you only have the choice to move completely out of the way for your-highness, or to have them completely slam into you and then act like you are this rude bitch when really it was them.i cant waiiiitt to graduate.
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ahhh! i am SO with you, lady smaggle! i HATE the long-pausers! its the worst when they pause without asking a question. why?! do they need reassurence before they get to their question?
