This post is sponsored by BrefI
don’t necessarily love cleaning but I do enjoy it in a sick, perfectionist kind of way. The high to be had from sniffing bleach in the shower can rival a good glass of cab sav in my opinion. I also thoroughly enjoy the lines the vacuum makes on the floor when you give it a good ol’ hoovering. Dusting also pleases me greatly, especially when there’s enough grime that you can see a thick line when you wipe your cloth across a surface. It’s just so damn satisfying.
Even though I get more excited about cleaning than the average person, that doesn’t mean I’m texting my mates and being all ‘Babe. Can’t do dinner tonight. I’ve got a date with my sink grout and 1 litre bottle of illegal industrial strength mould killer I bought off eBay’. That almost never happens.
I’d rather not clean than clean and I think most people are in the same boat. I’m working with Bref on their Australian launch and their in-between clean products are pretty top notch. When I say in-between clean, I mean that it just keeps everything all fresh and lovely until the next time you have to get serious in there. They have all these little things that you stick in your toilet so you don’t have to be a totally vigilant once a week-on-dot toilet cleaner. How rad is that? There aren’t magic tablets for everything though so when I have to clean and I don’t want to, I use one of my favourite procrastination techniques of all time. The Diversion Tactic. I can’t go for a run without listening to music (because oh-my-god-so-boring-kill-me-now) so I apply the same logic when I clean. I must distract myself to make it through. If you’re the same as I am, here are a few practical but slightly questionable ways to get your cleaning done when you’d really rather stick a fork in your eye.
Kidnap someone and make them do it for you
Be very scary and maybe have some sort of a non-illegal but still quite terrifying weapon like a fry pan or a really big stick. Then force them into your home and tell them they need to clean it before you let them go. They’ll be so happy you aren’t going to murder them that they’ll likely do a very efficient and thorough job. Tip: When you let them go, drive them very far away so they won’t be able to tell the police how to find you. I’d avoid using this method more than once though. You don’t want people to think you’re crazy.
Get drunk and naked clean your bathroom
I personally haven’t been this drunk in years but this was super effective that one time I did it back in my early 20s. I came home one night after drinking almost an entire bottle of red wine then stumbled home to go to bed. Once I got into bed I realised my bed was spinning which was super inconvenient and I decided to get up to do something to make it stop. Because apparently Drunk Carly thinks fifteen minutes of clumsy faffing is a super effective way of metabolising a litre of wine. Drunk Carly is a genius. So I started doing a quick clean of the bathroom and then I found myself totally naked and doing one of those proper once-a-year-style shower cleans – you know the kind of thorough clean you do when your mother-in-law comes to visit. When I woke up I totally forgot I’d done it and it was like it never happened. Get drunk and clean your bathroom. It’s awesome.
If you’re still not super keen on cleaning your bathroom you could always try Bref Power Active solid rim block. – it kind of smells like the ocean and a eucalyptus plant made out in your toilet. You basically stick it inside in the rim and it gives it a little mini-clean with every flush. That way you can do more fun things when you’re drunk like try to run up a wall and do that flip thing from Singin’ In The Rain. They also have Bref Duo-Cubes, which are these in-cistern blocks that you actually put inside the cistern so the toilet shoots out cleaning water. It’s so smart I’m annoyed I didn’t think of it myself.
Invent Olympic cleaning sports and make someone commentate for you
You might like to try the Bathroom Trifecta – Sink, Shower and Toilet Clean or the Ultimate Challenge of the Full House Vacuum in under 30 Minutes. Here’s a sample you can give to your commentator so they know the standard you’re expecting.
‘Coming up in the House Cleaning Olympics we have Carly Jacobs from Melbourne representing Australia. She’s one of our most promising competitors this season. She has a great deal of natural talent and has been trained by some of the best coaches in the country. Her mother is a champion House Cleaning Olympian taking home gold in 97, 98 and 99, so we’re expecting great things here today. Carly will start off with a Kitchen Clean with Full Fridge Clear Out and Oven Scrub. Her strengths really lie in the Bathroom Trifecta event but with her time management skills she should just about pull this off…’
Then when you’re done, make your commentator present you with a gold medal and one of those human-sized bouquets of flowers. You could also hire a Shetland pony to ride around your house in a victory parade but just make sure it doesn’t poo on the carpet.
Pretend like you murdered someone in your house and you have to erase all evidence of them being there
If you need some inspiration watch some FBI Files. I swear they could find evidence in a bottle of acid. Make sure all traces of blood are gone from the kitchen bench tops, including all the knives and cutlery. Look around for blood spatter too. Watch a few episodes of Dexter – blood spatter is where they always get you. Vacuum every room thoroughly – hair and clothing fibres in carpet can put you away for life. Burn your bed sheets. Cut your hair. Get coloured lenses for your eyes and escape to Mexico. Done.
Watch some cleaning montages on Youtube and then re-enact them
My favourites include…
Les Mis is especially effective if you’re feeling really grumpy about cleaning. You can sort of crash about with your mops and brushes and dramatically fling your arms in the air with all the fire of a French revolutionary. Mary Poppins works if you’re in a good mood and want to stay that way and Bippity Boppity Boo is ace for getting your kids involved.
How do you make cleaning happen at your house? Do you not mind it? Or do you avoid it like a pee cloud in a swimming pool?
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