The Ugly Crush.

The Ugly Crush.
Carly Jacobs


Have you ever had an inexplicable crush on an ‘ugly’ guy? Browny and I were getting coffee yesterday and my ugly crush (who has been my ugly crush for around 5 or 6 years now) approached me and started deconstructing my outfit with the most lyrical of poetry. On Wednesday he had described me as a bad-arse Jet from the West Side when I was wearing my leather jacket and aviators. Yesterday he described me as a charming, floaty love-child and said that he was anamoured of the way that I was travelling through the ages with my sartorial expertise. Swoon. I garbled some lame reply and as he sauntered off Browny said ‘He is TOTALLY your boyfriend!’*. Allow me to describe my crush… He is mid-thirties, balding, short, slightly tubby and bares a striking resemblance to Philip Seymour Hoffman (who by the way is my celebrity ugly crush). He smokes like a chimney, has an almost irritating arrogance about him and he’s as sexy as hell. Go figure.

I must admit I’ve never really been into the whole ‘handsome’ thing. I think Brad Pitt is boring looking and the actor I most want to shag is Giovanni Ribisi. One of Mr Smaggle’s best mates is utterly gorgeous. He looks like a movie star that bred with a Ken doll and then had plastic surgery. When he goes out in public he leaves in his wake tangled piles of women who have literally fainted at the mere sight of him. And I’m totally fine around him. Completely – in fact I kind of forget that he so hot until we go out for dinner and waitresses give him free stuff and the perpetual cloud of giggly teenaged girls forms behind us and follows us around the city. I’m totally immune to his chiseled features and boyish charm. But for some strange reason my short, furry and funny crush is the one that makes my knees go weak… theoretically of course. I really only have eyes for Mr Smaggle. Who incidentally is tall, slim, blonde and ethereal looking. Like a Grecian statue. Sigh! I do love a long and lean boy. None of this Mr Muscles Beef-Cake stuff for me.

I do love how people are attracted to such different features. Mama Smaggle is a tall, dark and handsome woman all the way – Just like Daddy Smaggle. I’ve always liked my men tall, slim and pretty. My friend Na likes hers mysterious and shaggy with the face of Orlando Bloom. My mate Az likes pretty brunettes who wear glasses and he has a strange attraction towards petite pregnant women… anyway…

Over to you ladies! Or gents… Have you had an ‘ugly’ crush? Or have you dated someone a little less than average in the looks department that still managed to ravage you with sexual desire? Do you have a celebrity ugly crush? Do you have an unusual feature that you desire in your ultimate partner? Come on! Share your fetish for the wierd, wacky, wonderfully strange looking people who are lip bitingly, toe-curlingly sexy…

Oh and check out this post at Coilhouse – 10 Most Preternaturally Beautiful Men

Yes please… I’ll take a four-some with Adrian Brody, Tim Curry and my dear Philip…

Love Lady Smaggle


 *A ‘boyfriend’ for us is generally any slightly awkward boy that we encounter at work. We then immediately brand  him as being one of our boyfriends and gleefully tease each other about it for the remainder of the day. There are a couple of regulars like the DHL Guy who is Browny’s boyfriend and the Admin Guy who is my boyfriend but generally they’re strangers. It’s a fun game and I suggest you all start playing…


  1. Carla 14 years ago

    This is most utterly true for me. My “boyfriend” is a thirty-five-ish year old man (I am 21) who smokes too much and cannot spell (usually a form of heresy in my eyes), but there is just something that draws me to him. Not to mention that I generally melt more over words than looks anyway

  2. Azz 14 years ago

    HEY! Petite pregnant women don’t count as an ugly crush! They’re one of the most beautiful things in the world.

    I’ve recently, however, developed a crush on one of the Indian ladies at work. hehehe. It’s so weird. She’s small and has glasses but she has the cutest Indian accent. She’s so NOT what I’d go for at all but I always find myself grinning when I talk to her. No idea why.


    *mandatory statement

  3. Fliss Q 14 years ago

    And to think – he would have got away with it if he left out the *mandatory statement!

  4. Cupcake 14 years ago

    OMG TIM CURRY *drools* i would happily
    jump in the sack with him or Alan Rickman
    any day of the week (if, of course i wasnt attached)

    Anyways thats my 2c.. hehe im actually on here to check your nippies comments


  5. Nicole 14 years ago

    Hmm..Tim Curry, but he’d have to be dressed up like Dr. Frank Furter from Rocky Horror because I’m weird and think he’s completely gorgeous as a tranny. Alan Rickman, Kevin Spacey (although I don’t find him to be that ugly), Jason Schwartzman, and yes, David Bowie, whom I actually named my laptop after. Dorky because who names their laptop? But awesome because it’s named after David effing Bowie.

  6. hailey 14 years ago

    I totally agree about Brad Pitt et all. Adrien Brody is my Number one.
    Then Christian Bale and 80’s Axl Rose. Umhum! Oh… I mean my husband is #1 – lol!

  7. Lady Smaggle 14 years ago

    Carla – Oh the ugly crush has to be older. It’s like a rule of the game.

    Azz & Fliss – Um… can your keep your lover’s tiffs off my site? And I never pregnant petite women are ugly! I just said it was one of the weird things that you are attracted to…

    Cupcake – Oh my! I LOVE Alan Rickman. I would even do him as Snape. And the nippie comments might not get there. I think everyone has given up!

    Nicole – I totally agree! His skin is so divine in that movie I just want to lick him.

    Hailey – Axyl??? Whatever floats your boat…

    Edith – HA HA! I love that bit. Tis so true…

    Jocelyne – You totally read between the lines there didn’t you? Mr Smaggle is a big nosed fella! I love a good strong interesting nose. I don’t feel you can trust people who have perfect noses… Oh and you and your man are ADORABLE!!! Got yourself a little bit interesting eye candy in that one!

    Cupcake – It’s creepy but I’m not ashamed to agree!

    Ivy – Oh I love a nerd. Benicio… I would class him as interesting. He has a great face but he is certainly not handsome.

    Mr Squiggle – Well the Greeks and the Romans all bred with each other anyway…

  8. Edith Purdy 14 years ago

    I’m going to quote Antony from SATC…

    “Ugly sex is hot!”

  9. Jocelyne 14 years ago

    Damn everyone has already mentioned my number 1 celebrity crush, adrien brody, I guess it’s no surprise, he is HOT!

    My favorite “ugly” feature would be large noses, I think they are so sexy and pretty much all my celebrity crushes are Jewish with large noses, examples…..Zach Braff, Sasha Barron Cohen.

    Funny my boyfriend is jewish and attractive, every time we go out girls just swoon when he talks to them, its funny to me. His sister is a super model so I guess it runs in the family.

    I agree that typical “actor looks” are boring and although brad pitt is attractive I would much rather look at someone with more interesting features such a a big nose every day.

    If you are interested you can see a pic of me and my Bf on my blog (just posted it today)!

    And Ms. Smaggle I love your blog you crack me up, and you are super cute!

  10. Cupcake 14 years ago

    I agree with Nicole.. tim curry would have to be in his tranny gear..
    *swoons*.. bcoz he is such a sweet transvestite 😉


  11. Ivy 14 years ago

    Ugly crushes are the only crushes I have! I love boys who have glasses, really bad dress taste, usually really nerdy (or extremely extroverted that it’s embarrassing) and who look like cavemen (I love hairy men).
    I’m with you on the whole Brad Pitt thing – he’s too pretty!
    I like Benicio Del Toro, but he’s not really ugly – or is he..?

  12. Mr. Squiggle 14 years ago

    “Like a Grecian statue.”

    I’d have to lean towards Roman for Mr. Smaggle I think…

  13. gloria 14 years ago

    Tim Curry! Lolol…I do think he’s attractive…well when he was younger..

  14. Fifi 14 years ago

    it doesn’t really count as an ‘ugly’ crush because he’s not ugly, but I have had a crush on Anthony Stewart Head (as Giles in Buffy) for YEARS…

    uptight englishmen in tweed don’t usually factor as my ‘thing’, but throw in some fierce loyalty, the speaking of 5 languages (including ancient sumarian), and the occasional propensity to playing guitar and singing ‘freebird’ and ‘behind blue eyes’ and I’m all-a-giggly…


  15. Hailey 14 years ago

    Well you said ugly crushes right? lol
    Axl is just so talented, amazing voice and lyrics. That has alot to do with it.

  16. princessnaea 14 years ago

    One of my earliest crushes was on Willem Dafoe in Platoon. Gosh. He. Was. Beautiful.
    I think it was the arms as he got shot through with a gajillion bullets.

  17. cookie 14 years ago

    ooh hoo baby. I’m actually quite a fan of pretty boys, a great smile and bright eyes will get me every time but am also partial to an accent and a kind of dishevelled hobo look…

    -rik mayall (drop dead fred! bestill my beating heart!)

    and bernard black (hes not ugly but is he attractive?)
    I think bernicio del toro is Divine!

    strong jawlines and broad shoulders also seem to make me weak in otherwise ordinary looking men.

  18. Miss Jane 14 years ago

    OK…glad to know I’m not the only freak who gets turned on by physically ‘ugly’ guys (ugly is such an ugly word…let’s just say ‘not classically beautiful’).

    I have a crush on my music teacher. He looks like a human version of “Rafiki” from the Lion King (if that makes any sense) but something about him just oozes sexiness (he’s smart and artsy too…that certainly helps the attraction). I want him BAD! Not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty attractive and I think that’s preventing him from making a move on me 🙁 Guess I’ll have to get him drunk and get some hot monkey love!

  19. Ian 13 years ago

    OhGODS, I love the ugly crush. Definitely Adrian Brody and Willem Dafoe and Anthony Stewart Head, who’ve already been mentioned. But also August Diehl, Tilda Swinton, David Tennant, Christopher Walken, young Steve Buscemi, Jeff Goldblum, Zachary Quinto… Did I mention August Diehl? I LOVE quirky noses, weird eyebrows, pasty skin. I have a thing for gaunt men and forehead wrinkles. I actually have a favorite type of eyelid. I’m a FREAK.

  20. j.t 12 years ago

    i never like these skinny teenage crackheads that all my friends are into.i like a goofy, chubby, beautiful-eyed boy.

  21. stephanie 12 years ago

    jeff goldblum, i don't know what it is about his face. i like ugly guys from Moldova lol. and paul bettany (not really ugly, but nobody i know finds him attractive, and he kinda looks like my dad when he was young which is gross to think about. oh and snape… book snape not movie snape, although alan rickman is a good-lookin man lol

  22. LadyJ 11 years ago

    Tim Robbins!  In the Shawshank Redemption.  I wanted to maul him.  I still think he’s a babe.

  23. karin 9 years ago

    I’m really crushing on this guy from school. He’s 22 and still plays pokemon games and loves anime. He has a shitty job, he’s chubby and ungroomed. I can’t understand it myself. I usually date attractive guys with good jobs who are fit. I’m a decent looking girl so I have options. My chubster just does it for me but I can’t even imagine ever admitting it to anyone, not even myself. I’m shallow aren’t I?

  24. Nikki 8 years ago

    Tim Curry is absolutely hot in my opinion, even now. I would hop in sack with him without hesitation! Oh and that voice…I could go on and on, but he is my top crush!


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