Things We’re Not Allowed To Talk About in 2016

Things We’re Not Allowed To Talk About in 2016
Carly Jacobs
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t’s been a while since I posted an observation piece here on Smaggle. Apart from time wasters and sultanas in savoury dishes, not a lot annoys me so rants are usually scarce around these parts. I generally avoid contentious topics because I don’t have time to argue with people on the internet but coincidentally it’s the internet arguing I’ve witnessed in the previous year that has inspired this post. The type of people who read negativity in innocent comments aren’t about to change their ways so I thought I’d pop together a guide for those of us who want to post a picture of honey on toast on Facebook without copping a screen full of abuse about cruelty to bees. If you want to avoid having an argument about absolutely nothing in 2016, here’s a list of topics to avoid.

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Weight loss/dieting

You can vaguely say things like ‘healthy eating’ or ‘good daily habits’ but don’t ever say anything about losing weight or restricting your food intake to lose weight because we don’t lose weight any more. We ‘change our lifestyles’ okay? Also never say ‘calorie’ or ‘carbs’ because mob anger will happen.

How awesome Uber is

Even if you love Uber and use it all the time, you must publicly pretend like you still catch taxis because the golden unicorn that is the flawless taxi industry must be protected at all costs. It’s totally fine for other industries like video stores and magazines to go down the gurgler but not taxis. Not. Taxis. #taxisforever

iPhone apps

Never mention an iPhone app unless you can also mention the Android equivalent. If the app doesn’t have an Android equivalent, just don’t talk about it at all because it makes Android users all pouty.

The possibility that being healthy is good for your health

If you started Zumba classes and you feel great, keep it to yourself. Other people have done Zumba classes and they didn’t feel great so that’s something you need to consider. Also some people’s legs fell off after doing Zumba classes and you’re just lucky yours didn’t. Oh and Zumba classes are a government conspiracy and I can’t believe you would even consider going to Zumba classes.

Animals

No one with a social conscience has bought an animal from a pet store in years but you can’t even acknowledge their existence because it means your brain is supporting puppy farms. Don’t post pictures of cute dogs on Instagram either because if it’s a designer dog, you’re a horrible person. Pigs on farms are also out of bounds because of the meat industry. It doesn’t matter that the pig on the farm is happy and healthy because one day it will surely be tortured into a bacon burger.

Clean eating

‘Clean eating’ is the new negative health buzz phrase. Because the opposite of ‘clean’ is ‘dirty’ and this makes people feel sad about their food. You also can’t say ‘good’ because it’s the opposite of ‘bad’ and bad things are bad. It’s quite simple really.

Coffee pod machines

Even if you collect the pods for recycling or use the reusable pods, they’re still the devil’s work. You’re allowed to own and use a coffee pod machine you’re just not allowed to talk about it outside of your Secret Coffee Pod Machine User Support Group.

Sleeping in

If you got some sleep, for goodness sake keep it to yourself. No one needs to hear how well rested you are. Same with holidays, being in a happy relationship or displaying any kind of satisfaction with your life. We’re all miserable. Get on board.

I’m off to throw spent coffee pods at rescue dogs from the window of a speeding Uber while yelling at people that they need to lose weight and screaming at the top of my lungs ‘FUCK ANDROID STEVE JOBS IS MY GOD!!!’.

Note: This post is written with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek. I think it’s important to stand up for what you believe in but sometimes I just want to talk about the excellent takeaway coffee I had without someone yelling at me for not using my Keepcup. Sheesh.

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Have you ever posted something totally innocent and then had to weirdly defend something you didn’t actually say? Spill!

 

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77 Comments

  1. Jo 5 years ago

    Oh. Yes. All of these. I posted a cool pic in instagram the other week of the window display in Harvey Nicholls in London. I was excited (yep, excited) because I was there on holidays (yep, holidays) & I’m a Pats & Eddy fan. Apparently though the world now hates Harvey Nicks because they’re selling fur again. Silly me.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      How could be so insensitive? Even just looking in the window of that place is like slaughtering a baby seal with your own hands.

  2. Bec 5 years ago

    Fuck yes. Also: death to sultanas in savoury dishes.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      I don’t know why anyone does this. It’s just cruel and unusual.

  3. Jenny Tiffen 5 years ago

    I once posted a picture of my completed shopping trolley with my daughter in it. The photo was about my little helper but as a Canberra girl, {where we have a zero plastic bag policy thingy} I was stoked to be out of town and have my groceries packed into “free bags”. I tagged #illrecyclethem #promise but coped A LOT of flack on my absolute wastage and the fact I was “dancing/proud” about being so environmentally irresponsible. Errrrr hang on…

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Oh for goodness sake! That’s exactly the kind of crap I’m talking about.

  4. Katie Probert 5 years ago

    YES Carly, I love this so much, it’s making me reet chuckle! X

  5. I Spy Plum Pie 5 years ago

    Ha! Love it. I think I shall endeavour to do ALL those things this weekend (except the coffee pods, but hopefully I wasn’t one of the people making anyone feel bad about them!)

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Lord no darling! I’ve told you a million times how awesome and non-preachy I think you are! 🙂

  6. Dee 5 years ago

    Hahaha, so true. Although I don’t know many people who think the taxi industry is better over Uber… except the taxi industry.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      All of my friends love Uber and I so do I but most Aussies hate it – especially in Queensland! If you see an article about Uber on Sunrise it will be followed by grumpy old people who bought now-redundant taxi plates as their retirement plan and are now totally pissed off about it.

      • Dee 5 years ago

        Hahaha, I’m a Queenslander! Can assure you so many of us use Uber over taxis! 🙂

  7. Amy @ HandbagMafia 5 years ago

    You forgot exfoliating body washes- a no-no, because microbeads!! And cooking in anything but coconut oil, because…reasons…

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Oh totally. Microbeads are the worst thing ever… except cooking in not-coconut oil.

  8. chrisatpb 5 years ago

    Gosh it’s good to laugh in the morning. Zumba comments nearly made me choke on my muesli. Put sultanas on everything, I say!! Xx

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      I thought we were friends!!! And now you said that thing about sultanas… I’m devo. Legit devo.

  9. Heather 5 years ago

    I can live with sultanas in savoury dishes but don’t go masquerading oatmeal and sultana biscuits as chocolate chip. That’s just mean people. Mean.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      So true. If I eat a sultana thinking it’s a chocolate chip, my day will be ruined. Actually irrevocably ruined.

  10. Any skincare product I feature can be substituted with coconut oil apparently. Oh it goes without saying it should be sustainable and organic #obvs

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Absolutely. You should probably wear coconut oil as a dress because coconut oil can do anything.

  11. Jill 5 years ago

    “I’m off to throw spent coffee pods at rescue dogs from the window of a speeding Uber while yelling at people that they need to lose weight and screaming at the top of my lungs ‘FUCK ANDROID STEVE JOBS IS MY GOD!!!’.”

    Too funny, I almost spat my (pod made) coffee across the table!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      COMEDY SPRAY!!! I live my life to make comedy spray happen. YES!!!!!

  12. Maxabella 5 years ago

    Bloody loved this ESPECIALLY the fact that you had the ‘tongue in cheek’ disclaimer at the end. x

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      I know right??? There’s no way I could have published that without being like ‘Guys, guys, guys! I’m JOKING!!!!;

  13. Louisa Gormley 5 years ago

    the eye roll inducing things! YES! Hilarious, thank you gorgeous Smags x

  14. Get Your Stamp On 5 years ago

    This is good Carly, really bloody good x I will never post a pet picture after the poor hammering Em R and Woogs got over their dogs.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Oh my lord I know right? You can’t bloody do anything these days.

  15. mumabulous 5 years ago

    A coffee pod is simply no substitute for a hawt barista with a man bun.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Tis true. Although I have a hawt Mr Smags who makes a mean coffee!

  16. Trish 5 years ago

    I posted about prawns at Christmas – what a fucking travesty. Those shit-eating, bottom-dwellers should never grace an Australian table again, not at any meal, especially not at Christmas – even if they come from prawn farms that are here. Of course, I get the Thai prawn scandal is obscene but now you can’t even eat your own countries produce without getting vilified. I’ve taken to eating dandelions only grown in my backyard which is proving difficult because I think my designer French Bulldog (who has been allergic to life and all its intricacies since the day he was born – seriously, he scratches so much that one of his nipples is bigger than his own head) has pissed on all the dandelions. All of them. Not-so-clean-eating.

    I hear you.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Ha that’s hilarious! It’s so weird when people comment on stuff like that. I once posted a picture of a steak and someone was like ‘I’m vegan and this post made me sad’ – why do I have to modify my posting habits because of someone else’s beliefs? So weird.

  17. Trish 5 years ago

    by the way – we can’t be friends anymore because you are totally offending the ‘We Stand for Sultanas in Savoury Dishes” movement, of which I am the President, Prime Ministeress and Mother Feckin’ Queen. 😉

    • Helen K 5 years ago

      I agree – I feel like there’s a bit of a movement towards finding an angle to be outraged over (You’ve posted a recipe. Great, but where’s the angle? There must be an angle ! A ha – where are the sultanas! But you’ve left them out – how dare you! Outrage!) It’s something I am trying (and so far, failing at) – to do less of this year. So much energy that could be better directed (including important issues where we do have to take a stand, maybe less through outrage, and more through introducing changes).

      (Btw – if I was into conspiracy theories, I would suggest it’s a way to keep us from important issues – things which would improve people’s lives, make us more productive, etc. Instead, let’s turn up the outrage volume to keep us distracted. Lucky I’m not into conspiracies, hey? 😉 )

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      I can’t even with sultanas. They can just F.O right out of almost all dishes except fruit toast. They can stay in delicious, buttery fruit toast.

  18. GOLD! I’m in hysterics! Agree, sultanas are wrrrong in savoury dishes!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Thank you! Is that concept really so hard to understand?

  19. I shared a video of cats being scared by cucumbers. It was Hilarious!! But apparently it is extremely cruel to do this to cats because it plays on their natural instincts and fear of snakes. So it’s just wrong and people who find it funny are cruel and need to get a reality check. I also laugh when I purposely scare the shit out of one of my sisters or my husband or kids by jumping out of a hiding place so I am clearly a terrible, terrible human being who needs to get back in my box (and not jump out and scare any people or cats!).

    Meh, people get offended by everything these days, it’s so exhausting. I just wish they’d hurry up and create the sarcasm font so I don’t have to keep explaining myself to sensitive souls!

    • nonnuclearmaven 5 years ago

      I am also a terrible person for laughing at the cucumber cats and scaring my family when they are unsuspectingly going about their business. We need a support group ;P

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Yes! Or those little sacasticies symbols!

  20. Michelle 5 years ago

    Urgh, sultanas in savoury dishes. I found one of those nibble mixes without the sultanas in today, right up high. I managed to pluck the pack off the rack. I was thrilled, I tell you!

  21. Cilla 5 years ago

    Great Carly. Love it.
    Along a same line, my sister’s stepkids’ soccer games are now not allowed to be scored. Every child wins a prize.
    +1 for sultanas. I make a great curried sausages recipe with sultanas and grated apple.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      That curried sausage recipe sounds like my worst nightmare.

  22. Kat W 5 years ago

    Spectacular. All of it.

    And I’m on board with chucking out all the sultanas in our take away cups. #bansultanasfromeverwhere

  23. Totally with you on all of these Carly. It certainly does seem that whatever you post/ write someone, somewhere, will be offended by it….

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      On everything all the time. No topic is safe!

  24. Bella 5 years ago

    HAHA I rarely comment on blogs but this was hilarious and I think you’re right on. Some people just love a whinge. The thing I’m not allowed to talk about is veganism (since my sister gave up all animal products) because she thinks i’m paying her out but also not allowed to talk about meat, cheese, chocolate (aka my lifeblood)

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      I always pay out vegans because I’ve never met a proper one ever who has actually stuck to it for longer than a few months and/or realises wine is pressed through fish guts. My housemate dated a vegan who would eat cheese and wine like all the time. Biggest doofus on the planet.

  25. God I would love to see this republished on Mamamia just to read the comments lol!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Don’t worry – they’ll copy it in a few days. 🙂

  26. Oh yes! I mean what is the world coming to? LMAO

  27. Alix 5 years ago

    Great post! Why do people search for offence these days? Is outrage all we have left? It’s so ridiculous. What’s Android?? Ha, ha.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Totally – it’s like they’re out looking for things to be annoyed about.

  28. nonnuclearmaven 5 years ago

    We have a code for this in our house. SJW. It stand for Social Justice Warriors. They need to check their privledge. I relish the day I can finally convince my partner that a miniature sausage dog is the perfect pet, inbreeding and puppy farm created a plus. I’m going to post SO many pictures of it’s snaussy face 😉

    • chrisatpb 5 years ago

      Mini dachshund IS totally the perfect pet – they are adorable!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      My friends have a purebred sausage dog and she’s delightful. I’m totally against puppy farms obviously but most breeders are lovely and adore their dogs.

  29. Ha Ha Ha, love this made me chuckle and you are so right there is no place for sultanas in a savoury dish. Although, what about granola, does that count, hmmm…!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Ganola is fine because it’s sweet. I can’t do hot savoury fruit.

  30. Jacques LeHatte 5 years ago

    oh yes, sweet people, sultanas have a place in all and every dish you could possibly name .. no don’t get ratty, just consider .. Brown Windsor Soup, Warm Flageolet and Chorizo Salad With Balsamic Vinegar And New Potatoes,Apple Pie & Vanilla Ice Cream, Coffee With Whiskey .. enough already .. I’ve just described an average evening meal in the LeHatte household ; and you know the one constant ingredient in all these winners is of course .. sultanas . Thank you folks . Jacques LeHatte, Sultan Of All He Surveys

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Nope. I don’t need sultanas in any of that thank you! 🙂

  31. Bec 5 years ago

    Hilarious! I have nothing witty to add but I really enjoyed this.

  32. KellyNH 5 years ago

    I will put my hand up and say that Im a truly terrible person who laughs at horribly inappropriate things at THE MOST inappropriate times…..
    May what ever imaginary being we are allowed to believe (or not…) in this year have mercy on what is left of my blacker than coal soul……..

  33. Toddlers Plus Teens 5 years ago

    ?? Too funny ! Coffee pods all the way in this sleep deprived loving family and enter at your own risk if we are out of coffee pods ?

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Oh totally! And they are actually not amazing for the environment but so are a whole lot of others things – I don’t know why everyone is all dark at coffee pods all of a sudden.

  34. bonnyoshea89 5 years ago

    thank you for this! i recently got some hate on the blog and couldn’t sum up how it made me feel. You however, have managed it perfectly. THIS. IS. LIFE!!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Sometimes you get negative feedback and you’re like ‘Whaaaaat? That’s so NOT what I was saying!!!’

  35. Steph 5 years ago

    Hilarious but also sadly too freaking true. I have a bad habit of reading comments on facebook posts (i like to read other people’s thoughts and opions) but have to stop cos it makes me hate humanity because you cannot even think a cat video is funny anymore without being a horrible person. Nor can anoyone share a hair tutorial that is not for your hair type without being discrimatory! It really makes me want to go like on a deserted island swiss family robinson-style

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      I know! It’s such a fine line to walk between standing up for what you believe in and being a total douche bag.

  36. nessbow 5 years ago

    Tee-hee! Yes!
    The thing I cop the most flak for is talking about how I don’t want children. It seems that many people with children find my childless-and-happy state a direct attack on their families and life choices. You want kids? Awesome! You have kids? Even better! It’s nice but not for me.

  37. Sally 5 years ago

    Never ever ever ever accidentally (or heaven forbid deliberately) use an American word or expression – eg “cellphone”, “daylight savingS” or “condominium” until all US words have been vetted by the anti-US-imperialism police. To be certain, expunge all American neologisms – you know: typewriter, jazz, skyscraper, movie, roundabout…

Pingbacks

  1. Friday Five… 5 years ago

    […] This post by Smaggle. I sometimes stay away from posting on Facebook for weeks on end, ok, days and days, in fear that someone will say something about something I’ve put up in all innocence. This (tongue in cheek) guide to what we’re not allowed to talk about in 2016 is just about perfect. Don’t write to me. […]

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