The 5 Articles I Will Never Ever Write

The 5 Articles I Will Never Ever Write
Carly Jacobs
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ometimes when I’ve shared a bottle of wine (or two) with my girlfriends, I come up with some ripper ideas for articles on Smaggle. The One Thing I Wish I Could Un-see, I Have No Idea What It Feels Like To Be Skinny and Things I Did That I Never Told My Parents About are some of the more successful expats that made the transition from tipsy slurring to semi-coherant words on a screen. I have pages and pages of notes in my phone for potential articles simply because I have no problems stopping with my mates mid-sentence and shrieking ‘WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!’ while I jot down whatever it was that triggered my writer’s boner. Most of the time I can patch together something mildly entertaining from my notes but I do sometimes stumble upon the odd one that makes me wonder why I am even still allowed on the internet. These are the articles I will never, ever write.

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sex

I can only assume that this was going to be an intricate thought piece where I listed a bunch of things that are obviously super great and need no explanation as to why people like these things. I wish I had elaborated more on this idea but there actually isn’t anywhere to go with that. Receiving sex IS awesome. Thought for the day. As you were.

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goal defense

I do know that this article was supposed to be a fun, quippy 5 Things My Primary School Netball Team Taught Me About Friendships kind of thing and I spent hours nutting the whole thing out with my bestie while we played cards in her kitchen and sang jazz songs. It was going to be brilliant, we went into minute detail about the personality traits of Goal Shooters and how Goal Keepers have adequacy issues. I’m pretty sure Huffpo would have picked it up if I had taken better notes than ‘Goal defence is the shit postion.’. That’s what you get for drinking doubles on a Tuesday night.

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drunk

 How to Trick Your Year 5 Class Into Thinking That You’re Sober

1. Tell them all that it’s Wobbly Walking Day and you’re falling over ON PURPOSE

2. Pretend it’s Science Day and give them a bunch of paddle pop sticks and some Bi Carb soda and have a nap in the corner

3. When you puke in the recycling bin tell them that you’re pregnant! Hooray!

4. When they catch you sneaking mini Mars Bars out of the class treat box tell them that you’re pregnant! Hooray!

5. OMG KARAOKE!!!!

Seriously, where was I going to go with this?

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balcony

Perhaps this was supposed to be a retrospective piece about how life is reminiscent of a balcony. A very small balcony. Was I trapped on a balcony? And taking notes on my phone rather than using it to call a human to come and help me? Who knows? I sure as hell don’t.

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webfeet

I assume that this is a theoretical sex toy that I invented. My gross-ness has no limits.

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Do any of my notes make sense to you? Have you ever left yourself a note and been totally baffled when you read it later?

24 Comments

  1. Love it! I sometimes can’t read my own handwriting so deciphering notes I leave myself can be a struggle.
    On the topic of netball, when I was in high-school my (male) music teacher always talked about how he was going to write an opera about netball and a few years ago he actually did. It got put on at the Arts Centre and did a tour of Victoria and everything. So you weren’t wrong about it being a good topic for development!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Everyone has a good netball story! When I was in primary school, I was on a netball team of 7 girls and my best mate Lauren and I were the only two on the team who weren’t called Sarah.

  2. reclaimingyourfuture 5 years ago

    lol Couldn’t stop laughing because it sounds pretty much like the note section on my iphone too. I get my ideas *just* as I’m falling asleep so I write them down and because I’m squinting at the screen I don’t really care about spelling because ‘I’ll know what it says’…until I wake up in the morning and wonder if I was high on prescription drugs. I have notes for almost a year ago that, even to this day, I have no idea what I’m talking about but wish so very hard I could remember 😀

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Yes! Falling asleep notes! My new thing is to mumble at Mr Smaggle (he’s always up when I’m falling asleep) but he says I’m just talking shit. It sucks because it always feels like I’m on to such a great idea at the time.

  3. I hear you!
    A few months back I had a couple of awesome ideas for articles for the blog during the drive to/from work but forgot them all by the time I got home. I then tried to use Siri via my car’s bluetooth the next time I thought of something so I wouldn’t forget but she recorded what I said as “How fuzz does not something crackle swag dingbat” or something equally inaccurate.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Siri is useless. I must speak in an octave only dogs can hear because she can never understand me.

  4. sarahyesandyess 5 years ago

    Girl, YES. I have a similar document in my phone. Obviously, most of the notes involve cats.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Obviously. I just wish I was better at note keeping. I may be letting some serious gems slip away.

  5. Raquel 5 years ago

    Wing defence is worse than goal defence I reckon. My evernote is filled with similar ramblings. Like one that said “chronic competence I should guess. She’s been so successful that she refuses to accept other people’s excuses”

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      I totally agree. That was another baffling thing. I was like ‘Hey past Carly WD SUCKS. At least GD you can get in the ring.’ It was a doomed post from the start. Chronic competence is great! You can work with that.

  6. I love that the notes that would never turn into an article (as you say by your post title) has become an article! Hilarious!

  7. Interpretive text is my downfall. The other day I opened my to do list and was instructed to ‘blow more Cloud’. Cloud is a particularly annoying man I work with and am training. I assume it was something to do with training him. What kind of training I shudder to think

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      This my favourite thing about the internet today. Blow more Cloud. Best.

  8. Kate - ddgdaily 5 years ago

    Was I there for the web footed sex toy discussion?? It sounds familiar…

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Were you??? Any incites? Did I invent it? Or did I read about it?

  9. Fuck, you make me laugh! This is all pure gold.
    My Notes app seems to be filled with online shopping links and cocktail recipes.
    Pretty apt, really…

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Ha! Mine is also filled with random guest lists for elaborate parties. I’m a bit weird.

  10. Bollocks 5 years ago

    Try writing entire articles drunk (I know you have, rummy). Once hammered i tried to bang out a review of the late 90s’ cinematic pants-stain Hurly Burly. Thought i nailed it, collapsed on the carpet and woke up the next morning to a two word review – “Shitty Witty”

    …yeah. had to rush the deadline on that one.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Whaaaaat??? Yeah no I’ve definitely done that. I would have loved to have seen that in print.

  11. Olivia 5 years ago

    The movie ‘smashed’ involved a teacher telling her class that she was pregnant when she vommed. It didn’t end well. That movie was bleak as fuck.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 5 years ago

      Oh lord I haven’t that yet now I strangely WANT to see it.

  12. GoodThingsSmall 5 years ago

    Hilarious! Thanks for the ‘it’s not Friday yet’ laugh!

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