Productivity

How To Have The Perfect Nap

In the Smaggle haus we call napping ‘woozing’. I have no idea where it came from but we don’t have naps or sleeps or kips. We have woozes. A wooze is a bit different to a nap though, it’s slightly more complex and there are several criteria that must be met in order for your few moments of shut-eye to be deemed a wooze. This is sort of a guide for how to have the perfect nap… except it’s a bit weirder. Mr Smaggle and I work for ourselves so our schedules are a bit weird. Hence why napping or ‘woozing’ as we say has become somewhat of a sport for us.

Here are The Rules of The Wooze…

You must be slightly uncomfortable

You need to be a little bit too cold, a little bit too hot, sitting upright, have the sun in your eyes or be curled up awkwardly in a too small chair. Loud conversations, televisions and music can also add to the discomfort. If the surface you’re woozing on is too hard or too soft, that works too. The reason for the discomfort is that if you’re feeling too relaxed and awesome, like in a bed, it turns the wooze into a sleep and you CANNOT LET A WOOZE TURN INTO A SLEEP. That’s amateur woozing at its worst. The discomfort keeps you honest.

You must be slightly guilty 

A wooze isn’t a wooze unless you feel guilty about it. Woozing while someone else is driving, woozing when you’re running late and woozing when you’re supposed to be working are perfect guilty wooze scenarios.

You must not wooze in a bed 

You can be ON a bed, but you can’t be IN a bed. And if you’re on a bed, it should have some element of danger like a freshly folded pile of laundry or a laptop that you have to precariously sleep around so you don’t knock it to the floor.

You must not wooze for longer than 60 minutes 

60 minutes is the absolute wooze maximum. Ideally you want to wooze for about 30 to 40 mins but if you need a little extra you can stretch it to 60 mins but absolutely NO MORE. If you’ve been woozing for longer than 60 minutes your wooze has turned into a sleep and you’ve essentially ruined everything.

Man asleep on the couch

 Good Wooze Example

  • Not in a bed
  • Good level of discomfort – leg hanging off the couch, bare feet so probably a bit cold
  • Element of danger – clutching remote control and could drop it at any moment
  • Guilt factor high – holding ones genitals while woozing is an excellent way to add extra guilt/element of danger of being busted having a self-fiddle

Wooze Glossary

Co-Wooze 

Woozing with a partner or an animal.

Meerkat Wooze

Group woozing like animals at the zoo. Extra points if you do it in a pile like meerkats.

Plooze

Woozing on a plane.

Wooze Aggression

Pre and post wooze cranky-ness. Wooze aggression can also manifest mid-wooze. I’m famous for waking up mid-wooze and accusing Mr Smaggle and his brother of ‘talking shit about me’. This is a prime example of wooze aggression.

Wooze Enabler

A person who sees that you’re in danger of woozing and gently puts a pillow under your head and covers you with a blanket.

Wooze Confession

When you guiltily confess to another person that you woozed that day. Note: There’s always an element of smugness if you manage to sneak a wooze into your day.

Premium Wooze

A particularly good wooze or a situation that may lend itself to a good wooze. A premium wooze could be falling asleep for 20 minutes after a dinner party at your mates house while everyone else is talking and drinking around you. Woozing at the movies or during a play is super premium because it a) it cost money and b) it’s majorly taboo so you have to hide it. If you succeed with a movie or theatre wooze, you’ve reached ninja wooze levels.

Do you like to take part in a sneaky wooze? Or do you power through until bedtime?

25 Comments

  1. Nic 4 years ago

    I’m guilty of Premium Woozing in earlier years – would often fall asleep on friend’s sofas after dinner with the action carrying on around me. My ex was expert at PW at concerts, lol.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      I’m the master at premium woozing. Dinner Party Sofa Woozers Unite! (internet high five).

  2. I’d love a wooze right about now. I just need a pair of those fake eyeball glasses like Homer Simpson wore when he was on Jury Duty.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      Mid-day work woozes are THE BEST! Do you have a car? Did you drive to work? Car Wooze it baby. It’s the only thing for it.

  3. Ali 4 years ago

    sometime over Christmas with my husband’s family, ‘working on my novel’ became the official euphemism for napping and we’ve ran with that ever since. “I might go finish that chapter”… “I’m feeling inspired, I think I need to go and do some writing”… “can you knock on my door in an hour? I’ll probably be too swept up in my novel to notice the time…”
    people probably think we’re very intellectual. or insane.
    oh, and if you’re caught ‘premium woozing’ – “I was just picturing the scene for the next chapter”

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      HA! Hilarious I love this. Working on the novel. My dad calls napping ‘resting his eyes’.

  4. Rachel Ann 4 years ago

    To date one of my proudest accomplishments is taking a full on wooze while I was supposed to be watching a movie on a field trip. I was siting right in the front and managed to pin my hair between my back and the seat, holding my head up while I dozed off. It’s probably been about 10 years since then, but I’m still super proud.

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      I once fell asleep on a bus full of special needs kids that I was supposed to be supervising. It was hilarious. I woke up to one of the little boys just stroking me and saying ‘Shhhhh, sleep baby.; There were several other teachers on the bus too so it wasn’t like I was being irresponsible but it was freaking hilarious.

  5. KellyNH 4 years ago

    Ive definitely been guilty of a premium wooze when I was pregnant and paid for Gold Class tix for my partner & I to watch Star Wars (which bores me to tears, but I was indulging him)
    I may have woozed for a bit and possibly dribbled onto my own (at the time) ample bosom……walking out of a cinema with a big wet patch on my chest was probably not my finest moment :o)

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      Gold Class is UBER premium wooze. I once woozed through the whole of Casino Royale. Like literally the whole thing. We went to see it at 9.30 and the previews went for 45 mins so by the time the movie started I was out like a light. Best wooze ever. I ended up with my head in Mr Smaggle’s lap and he just held me while I slept. That was easily one of my top 5 woozes.

  6. Fiona 4 years ago

    I have not laughed so much in ages. Thanks Smaggle ! this is my house every weekend – him with the remote/half empty cup, me on the bed around the ipad/clean washing 🙂

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      We take woozing very seriously at our house. I’m glad this translated effectively, I was worried people were going to be like ‘Yeah, you’re weird.’

  7. Chelsea Sutherland 4 years ago

    I have woozed at the theatre. And the ballet. No offense to the performers, I think it’s that combo of super cold aircon (I live in North Queensland so we keep things arctic 24/7-365) and a super uncomfortable chair that does me in.

    Love a wooze, especially when it’s a “OMFG I’m on deadline … but couch” workday wooze.

  8. Rebecca 4 years ago

    I’m big time into seizing every opportunity to wooze (sometimes I say I’m going to go “meditate” lol). This past weekend I didn’t have any wooze time (insert super sad face), I overheard my husband telling our son “lets forever remember this weekend as the weekend Mumma didn’t have a single nap”…

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      Oh my god that’s so cute! I always try to wooze in the car because I get sick all the time so I plan to just wooze out. Best plan ever.

  9. Tamara 4 years ago

    Haha this is your best yet. I’m a car woozer, drives my husband insane!

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      I’m a MASSIVE car woozer and no matter where we are going, I tend to fall asleep in exactly the same spot on the highway. It’s like clockwork. 🙂

  10. Rae Hilhorst 4 years ago

    In the car after a big lunch and with the help of a bit of wine, oh and then a quick nana nap on a Saturday afternoon before a night out often helps me to actually stay out past 9pm x

    • Author
      Carly Jacobs 4 years ago

      Oh totally! I’m an old, old lady. I’m not going anywhere at night without a quick wooze first.

  11. Juliette 4 years ago

    I wooze all the time – as often as possible! It sometimes really bugs my partner though. I’ve actually promised to try to wooze less often during our weekends, but have no intention of keeping it.

  12. Marie 4 years ago

    Hah, this is to the point, Carly! You are surely intimate with the concept. 😀 I even had my husband read this. Because ‘wooze’ is such a nice name AND we don’t have perfect memory, we actually appropriated “woozLe” into our vocabulary. : )

    I am just recovering from a studying marathon for exams which also means a woozleing (or woozeing) marathon. Hard library chairs with a view onto the Berlin tv-tower are my jam! I don’t even need to set my alarm anymore because I always wake up after exactly 15 minutes. Depending on the amount of sleep during the last night, I’d have up to three woozles in a day.

    My two prowdest woozles were:
    On the floor at my friends’ feet in a hall before a punk concert and during the start of a plane (was a little disappointed, when I woke up above the clouds because I LOVE the start).

    I can and do woozle wherever. Fun fact: When you’re under 1.5m tall you can easily lie down on two seats in trains/busses/… 😀

Pingbacks

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  2. […] One afternoon years ago we were both at risk of majorly flagging in the afternoon and we couldn’t decide whether or not to have a nap or a coffee. We’d both been reading a lot of literature about sleep patterns when we figured out the the magical answer was both. We’ve dubbed this the Espress-Wooze. (For more information on woozing click here). […]

  3. […] One afternoon years ago, Mr Smaggle and I were both at risk of majorly flagging in the afternoon and we couldn’t decide whether or not to have a nap or a coffee. We’d both been reading a lot of literature about sleep patterns when we figured out the magical answer was both. We’ve dubbed this the Espress-Wooze (don’t know what a wooze is? Click here) […]

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