90210 Episode 3 Review

Sadly, I missed last week’s episode and I heard rumours that it was close to orgasmic so you can understand that I’m quite distraught to have missed such pleasure. This week’s episode was rather weak to be honest. Here’s the break down of the highs and lows of the lame show that keeps getting lamer…

* Tabitha (the crazy actress Grandma) teaching her grand-daughter, Toothpick Annie how to ‘breath from her ass’. Gold. 

* Bitchface Naomi’s mother is twelve. And Bitchface Naomi is thirty. Seriously that girl has wrinkles. Why is it so hard to cast age appropriate people?

* I’m still not over the whole mirror twin thing – Minnesota/Kansas, adjoining bathroom, inappropriate sexual tension… It’s splendid. 

* When Bitchface Naomi is fighting with her Child-Mom and they both have weird cross eyes happening. I’m still not sure if they overdosed on Botox or whether they were just trying to look serious. 

* Okay big massive scream fest when Brenda sits down next to Kelly in the cafeteria and says ‘Wow this brings back so many memories. I can still hear the ringing of “Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin Graduates!”‘. For die hard fans she is referring to the episode in season 3 called ‘Something in the Air’ where Donna Martin gets drunk at the prom and is forbidden to graduate as punishment. Brandon rallies all the Hollywood brats together and they show their solidarity by chanting ‘Donna Martin graduates!’ until… um… the school decides to let her graduate. For some reason repetition was the key. By the way this is the COOLEST thing I have ever seen and the term ‘temporarily unavailable’ is going to haunt me while I sleep. 

* The hilarious banter between Kelly and Brenda referring to the father of Kelly’s child as ‘him’. You can only say ‘him’ if you have previously established who the person is. You can’t just ‘him’ your way through an episode trying to hide who the father of Kelly’s bastard child is… It’s just bad grammar.

* Speaking of Kelly’s bastard child  – SPOILER ALERT!!! Oh who am I kidding? We always knew it was DYLAN!!! Although they did refer to the father as a ‘do-gooder’ and at that stage I was having serious Brandon inklings. But he is a rubbish kisser and Kelly would never have babies with a lascivious blow fish.

* Why do they pronounce Naomi (nay-yo-mee) as Niomi (nigh-o-mee)? Is that how Americans pronounce it? Or is Toothpick Annie just trying to piss me off?

* Toothpick Annie sucks.

* Okay okay okay! My most favourite part was where Dixon GETS A JOB AT THE PEACH PIT! And Nat (Joe E Tata) is there and he gets all misty eyed talking about ‘…this kid I hired from Beverly High… the best worker the Peach Pit has ever seen.’ I have to say I was super disappointed that they didn’t show Brandon’s framed uniform shirt that Nat mounted on the wall when Brandon left for college. Also what is the go with the new uniform? It’s a stupid t-shirt. Where’s the 1950’s bowling shirts with the employees name artistically embroidered on the left breast? It’s all in the details people. Costume Wench – you have let me down. 

*  Dixon plays lacrosse! What a tosser!

* Swallowing is Bitchface Naomi’s standard reaction to almost everything. 

* Silver and Dixon are totally going to have sex. She called him on his dimples. They are so naked next episode. 

* Ethan has an intellectually disabled brother. Who is really, really hot. 

* Oh and Costume Wench – Why do you hate Shannon Doherty? Her breasts are large enough – the poor girl does not need ruffles in that area. She is also five foot flat. Get that midget out of cowboy boots. Now.

* When Bitchface Naomi goes to confront Slutty Gail (the whore that her Charming Arsehole Father is cheating on her Child-Mom with) and finds the address of her family’s beach house sitting in plain view on the counter of the boutique where Slutty Gail works. Man those writers are totally working over time aren’t they? Who on earth leaves their full name and address written in permanent marker in letters large enough for BLIND PEOPLE to read sitting right on the bench of their work place?

Until next week… Der, ner ner ner. Der, ner ner ner. Pah pah! That’s the opening song in case that wasn’t clear…

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx