I’ve just finished listening to Sarah Von’s podcasts about lady travel (which are fantastic, I was jogging around the park the other day listening to it and giggling like a lunatic) and I noticed that one of her key phrases is ‘not negotiable’. She uses it a lot. We are both Type A Virgos (and nose twins) so there is going to be a lot of things in our lives that are not negotiable, because by nature we are not overly forgiving creatures. This got me thinking about friendships and namely how I manage to maintain any at all because I’m a rather self sufficient and solitary gal. I realised that I have quite a few ‘not negotiables’ that are mandatory to the peaceful existence of my current friendships. Just a few behaviours that all my friends practice to remain in the Smaggle circle of love.
They cannot, under any circumstances be needy.
Look, I’m not dead inside. I will obviously answer the phone at 3am if a friend calls but they have a quota of around two times each that they can do this before I crack it and if they wake me up there had better be ambulances involved. I also don’t do self-esteem bullshit. If a girlfriend refuses to leave the house because she feels fat she only gets to do that once. Especially if she makes me miss a meal. I can support a friend through an emotional crisis like a ninja, I’m just saying that they need to use their free passes in emergencies only, like break ups or death. Failed assignments and bad haircuts don’t justify a drop everything and run response from me.
They must understand that I do not do phone calls.
My bestie is a total phone slut. She talks to her sister, her mum and at least two close girlfriends every single day. She tried to include me in this list of love and after two phone calls where I basically refused to speak to her she gave up. Thank god. I talk to Mamma Smaggle on the phone or Mr Smaggle when he is away. That’s it. I’m a charming texter, Facebooker, emailer and real life talker though so I get away with it.
They must be kind.
Some of my friends can be inappropriate, shy or a little too boisterous but every single one of them is kind. I don’t tolerate mean people. I had a friend at university who cruelly, publicly and within earshot mimicked our lecturer who had a stroke. It was completely unnecessary and I haven’t spoken to her since. I don’t have room for people like that in my life.
They must be respectful.
Of other people, of property that does not belong to them, of animals, of the environment, of the beliefs of others. Respect is underrated as a measure of human worth. You can tell the way a person will treat you as a friend by the way they treat the world around them.
They must not be a dickhead.
I do understand the irony of using the term ‘dickhead’ in sequel to a paragraph on respect but there is no other appropriate descriptive word. People who brag about speeding, people who cheat on their partners, people who start sentences with ‘I’m not racist but…’ and people who litter. You should never have to apologise for the behaviour of a friend. If you do, you might have to consider the fact that they’re a dickhead.
What about you? What’s not negotiable on your friendship trait list?
Friday sharing! Yay!
Oh and the same conversations will also be happening on Facebook and Twitter, so please join in!
Love
Smaggle
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26 Comments
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I agree with everything on your list. I am not a phone person. I avoid it at work and I can’t spend hours on the phone talking to someone.
My parents get a free pass because they live a whole state and a sea away and I see them but twice a year.
I don’t like obligations or the NEED to catch up ALL the time. I’m a very solitary person and a couple of hours a week “social” time is enough to leave me wanting a whole DAY to myself (boyfriend not included cos he’s even more solitary than me so it works well). This past year or so my group of friends has grown quite a bit but the thing I love about all my friends is that if we don’t see each other for a month or more, there’s no “We don’t catch up enough why didn’t you call me” bullshit.
It’s also important to be accepting of one’s differences in lifestyle and personality. Most of my friends live very differently to me but we don’t judge on how another spends their money or what they do over the weekend.
I don’t have one specific clique of friends – More like I’m a part of at least 4 different groups. I like it that way.
And yes – they all have to be smart and interesting. I like talking about the big subjects – politics, religion, science – and being able to have reasoned discussions and learn something. This is a marked contrast to my workplace where my rather liberal views have me labelled as a maverick! LOL!!! I’m not even that radical. Ha!
So yeh – my friends have to be free thinkers most of all. Or at least open to new ideas.-
Author
Honestly I think people really underestimate interesting a good quality in a friend. I meet friends of friends and wonder how they stay awake in their company.
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Hah. I love Kate Nash’s song Dickhead. I love the way she says it.
I don’t keep a lot of friends. I prefer it when people don’t probe, but are happy to be a sounding board when I’m ready.
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1. Smart (not as in book-learnin’, but having commonsense and nous and not behaving like a mindless robot. But being witty makes me extra like a person)
2. Not A Douche (a bit like your No Dickheads rule. I don’t do mindless egotism, chauvism, racism, selfishness or nastiness).
3. Tolerant/Forgiving/ Patient. Very important when one has a tendency to yell/cry/stomp around like a maniac/drink too much/rant at length.
4. Interesting. I am bored by boring people who do nothing and have nothing to say.
5. Loving. It’s nice to have friends who care that it’s your birthday/ you’re heart is broke/ you’re in hospital/ you’ve done something awesome/ you’re alive. -
High five for Virgos!
Not surprisingly, I have most of the same requirements as you. Two “not required but appreciated” character traits are:* Not too fancy – I’m from a working class town of 2,000 people. I went to state schools. Almost everything I wear is thrifted. I am proud of these things. I don’t care if my friends are from money or like branded things, but they better not try to shame my $3 sweater.
* Inspiring – they possess qualities or traits that I wish I had. I admire people who are totally non-judgmental, patient or calm.
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Oh I like not fancy as well! Anyone who suck back a cheap red with me is surely to be a friend for life.
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As another fellow Virgo, YES. Every point on your list (and Sarah Von’s – again, high five for Virgos!) is a complete non-negotiable for me – espeeeeecially when it comes to being kind. I don’t do meanness, gossiping or unnecessary rudeness, and I don’t welcome it from others, either!
(Also, could the reason that we don’t do phone calls be because, as Virgos, we’re much, much more interested in getting things done?!)
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I just hate the urgency of phonecalls. Like I have to drop everything I’m doing to talk to that person. Emails and facebook can wait until I’m ready. Even face to face catch ups are pre-planned. Ah! That’s it! I can’t plan phonecalls! That’s why I hate them!
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OH! Forgive me for commenting twice, but I forgot to add… nonjudgmental. It kiiiiiiiiiiiiills me when people make assumptions about other people’s lives or berate them for how they choose to live those lives. Kiiiiills me!
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See this is where I’m weird about the word judgemental. I’m a Virgo so I scrutinise everyone in my life. It’s in my nature. I’m all about the intentions though. If people do anything for selfish reasons I’m judgy Mcjudgerson. If I can understand or respect their decision then I’m okay with it. I have strong sense of justice.
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They can’t themselves too seriously all the time. I’m all for deep and meaningfuls, but when all you’re getting from someone is earnest and angst, that’s it. I need light with my shade, thank you.
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Ah! Me too. I don’t do emo. Well… full time emo!
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To me, a friend needs to give as well as take. I get super-frustrated with people who you have to make all the effort with, that never return the favour.
I’m also not a fan of people who behave like victims. I had one friend in high school who had this “oh, poor me, the world is so cruel’ attitude who would bludge off anyone who would let her. I ditched her quick smart. I’m all for helping friends through a crisis, but there’s only so many times you can listen to a friend whinge and whine about something they could actually address themselves if they would just own up to their shortcomings and put in some time and effort to fix them.
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I actually attract people like that and refuse to deal with their crap and then get labelled a bitch but I’d rather that than waste my time on self obssessed people.
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I have always said that I will not have sucky friends. Not sucky as in bad, but sucky as in they suck the life out of you. They take and take and take and never give anything. This is mostly emotional. I can’t do the friend that talks about herself all day and doesn’t even ask you if you got that internship you wanted/how the wedding plans are coming/when your baby is due/etc. A friendship needs to be two ways. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I’m finally there with a few close friends that all treat me well and I treat them well min return.
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Definitely, I call them ‘toxic’ people. Like they poison you. Not doing it!
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I dig that list, Smaggle, and agree with all of your criteria (except the phone call one, Hermit-Girl). One thing I would add, which is absolutely and unequivocally necessary in my relationships, is that the other person has some manner of fulfilling and self-motivated passion, whether it’s arts, a business, a personal goal, something that occupies their time and drives them. Without trying to come across as a real twat, I abhor boring people, and can not think of what I would even begin to talk to someone about if they were not possessed whole-heartedly by some fascinating and courageous dream. It doesn’t need to be anything grand or world-changing, not by any means, but I mean, there are some people who just don’t even LIKE THINGS. People who can’t even look at a book, or listen to a song, or watch a film, or admire a product, or slip on some clothing, or hear a joke, or admire a building, and go, “I love this and I want to be a part of it.” Bless them, and I wish them well, but I prefer being surrounded by dynamic, risk-taking people with hearts swollen by ambition.
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Agreed. x
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I can’t be friends with someone who lies. I don’t have the energy to be always wondering if they are telling the truth or not.
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Oh me too! Also I just get bored because I know everything they are saying is bullshit.
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Ooh. I was thinking about this just last night. I definitely have some non-negotiables.
1. A healthy self-esteem. For someone that has struggled with this and mostly come out on the other side, it’s like poison to me to get into those conversations about ‘oh i’m so fat i’m so dumb boring etcetc’ … shut it.
2. Some amount of effort. If I like you, I don’t mind calling you every so often to try to plan things. But if you’re too busy or never call me back, I’m going to stop trying. And then when you call me and go WHY HAVEN’T WE TALKED IN FOREVER it’s because I got tired of that bullshit.
3. Judgmental aholes are not allowed. My home, life, presence, they’re all ‘ism’ free zones. No racism, heterosexism, chauvinism, ablism, etc. allowed!
4. Kindness and respect. To themselves (goes along with #1), other people (#3), me (#2 lol), the environment, animals, etc. Like so many others have said already, I just don’t have time in my life for anything other than kind and respectful people.
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I love the self esteem one. I’m happy with neutral self esteem just so long as someone isn’t downing themselves all the time.
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I heard somewhere that true friends are the people that tell you about the big events in their lives, & who you tell about the big events in yours – the break ups, the new jobs, moving house, new partner etc. I had a close friend who moved to another country to pursue a music career, and he started treating me as a fan rather than a friend. Also, I found out completely by chance that he had gotten married. I no longer call him my friend.
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I really like that. It’s almost like if you give shit, then you give a shit. If not then let it go.
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No-one that tries to make me feel like a freak because I don’t want 19730873 ‘friends’ nor do I want to spend every night/weekend out in social activities that make me new ‘friends’.
Like Esz I find for every hour of ‘social’ time another 3 hours of ‘solitary’ time is needed for balance.
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