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Oh controversial! It’s not a Monday rant! Well guess what? My anger is not exclusive to Mondays. So it’ll be lucky dip ranting from now on.
Today’s rant is dedicated to the people who use my office bathroom. I have a few requests for you…
* Don’t leave muddy footprints on the toilet seat. Don’t put your feet up there at all. I understand the issues of hygiene, believe me, I’m a Virgo. Just ask someone about the pleasures of hovering. This way your na-na stays clean and so does the toilet for next person who wants to use it.
* Don’t put used toilet paper in the sanitary bin. They get too full, too quickly and the poor ladies who do use those bins correctly have no where to put their… erm… more offensive rubbish.
* Don’t pour an entire bottle of water over the seat and floor. It’s gross and weird.
* Don’t leave the tap running while you do your hair, re-apply lipstick or dry your hands. We are in a drought. And please don’t stare daggers at me when I turn the tap off. Bitching about me for turning off the tap in another language while I’m standing right there is also uncool.
* Don’t talk to your friends on the phone while you do your business. It makes me feel like you are talking to me, and that gives me stage fright.
* Don’t cram McDonald’s take-away coffee cups into the sanitary bin. It makes absolutely no sense for you to do this because you have to walk past a legitimate bin to get into the toilet. You big, big weirdo.
* Don’t smear unidentifiable goop on the handles of the door. It’s virtually impossible to get out of the toilet without touching the handle and no one wants to touch toilet handle slime.
* Don’t take half an industrial sized roll of toilet paper, rip it into tiny shreds and have a toilet paper confetti party. I understand that this might be fun for you but you are clearly under stimulated and easily pleased. This is behaviour that would be typical of a two year old. Bang some pots together or eat your own snot. It will be equally as satisfying and way less intolerable.
* Don’t eat your lunch, read a book, email a friend or practice your singing in there. It’s a toilet. There is no need for you to be in there for longer than a few minutes tops. The activities that I just mentioned do not require the use of a toilet. What I need to do does. So please don’t labour in there.
Oh and while we are on the subject of toilets (aren’t we always here at Smaggle???) I was having a chat with one of my mates recently and we both have the same toilet quirk of not doing number two’s in public bathrooms. On the off chance that we absolutely HAVE to then we will, but we WILL NOT under any circumstances, send the boat out of Vegemite Valley while there is another person in the bathroom. We clench and wait for solitude.
Does anyone else do this? Is this too much of an over share? What are your pet-bathroom peeves? If you have ever been to school, a shopping centre, a pub or an office building you are bound to have a filthy public bathroom story. Share it with me on this lovely Saturday afternoon…
Love Lady Smaggle
xxx
20 Comments
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hahahaha I have some hilarious ones. In primary school the boys and girls toilets were always subjected to some fucking filthy behaviour – people would smear shit on the walls, flush apple cores down the toilet, wipe blood on the walls, push the soap dispenser until all the soap was on the floor – you get the idea.
Everytime something awful like this happened the principal would hold a meeting either for all the boys or all the girls and discuss how it was rude and gross and “would you do it at your own home?”. It was like a terrible brainwashing session – you left wondering whether maybe it *had* been you who’d made the huge mess in the toilet and you’d just forgotten about it!
Ugh I hate public toilets so.bad. but I love that you’re willing to rant about them on your blog!
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My rant is that I think the new Neutrogena Wave thing has made my skin worse, not better. I’m looking like a bit of a leper at the moment, with red blotches and skin flaking off in other places. I would have preferred the occasional zit. Back to the more expensive skin care… sigh. And slathering my face with Trilogy Everything Balm and foundation so that I don’t scare small children when I venture outside this morning.
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There you go bringing the LOL’s again. I hate when I go into a stall and there is pee all over the seat. If you are going to pee on the seat, at least wipe it off you dirty girl.
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Hahahaha that’s so grim! People really are very strange. Some of these things suggest they shouldn’t be allowed in public places – who stands on the seat?! Wrong!!!
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You’re a freak! Do a poo in public – there’s nothing wrong at all with doing it (unless the toilet you’re using is like the one in trainspotting) PLUS – holding it in can cause problems.
And I think you went a bit far with telling people not to read on the toilet! Theres nothing wrong with having a little read on there – I do it all the time. PLUS! How do you know people are reading in there? Are you peeping under the stalls?
(though if you’re in there for long enough to read a few chapters or half a paper you should seek help)
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ummmm, AZZ – your weird! Lady Smaggle is talking about public toilets – reading….why do that, its gross. And maybe you don’t have a problem doing a poo in the public toilet but I sure as hell do have a problem going in after you!
I agree Lady Smaggle some peoples toilet habits leave alot to be desired and they are just pigs!
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What’s gross about reading on the toilet? I don’t get it. You’re sitting, it’s quiet, you’ve got time to fill- why not read a magazine or a book?
People are too sensitive sometimes.
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oh lady smags! i agree with you wholeheartedly. and lilacstevens – i can relate, my primary school teacher did the same thing and i always felt guilty (even though of course i was not…i am much more ladylike!)
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That’s some pretty sordid behavior!
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I already had my toilet rant (see ceiling poo in previous comments).
You do have to feel a bit sorry for people who can only find their ‘me’ time or feel the need to multi-task whilst defecating. Each to their own of course. Public toilets do seem to bring out the worst in hyper-sensitive germophobics and the faecies jugglers of the parish don’t they?
As to toilet paper confetti – it’s often the result of someone putting the wrong size industrial roll in the dispenser making it too heavy to turn – hence the random little ripped bits as some poor sod tries to pull the paper out. Or cheap and nasty paper where the roll is ripped to shreds as same poor sod tries to find the end of it to pull out. I only claim expertise on this as a result of speaking to our office cleaner – a public toilet Obi Wan Kenobi.
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i went to china and couldn’t poo for 10 days! those squatter toilets (holes in the ground) are monstrously gross. and sometime there is a rail to hold onto while squattting, bleghhhhhhh! as if i would want to touch that germ infested rail. And, AND then i was incredibly afraid of falling cuz i didnt want to hold it. even peeing was a challenge. it goes beyond public restrooms for me. i can only do a deuce in the privacy of my own home. believe me, i f i could let it go elsewhere i would, i know holding is bad (after 10 days i htought i was rotting). but i just have big time performance anxiety. i can’t even do it when i have company.
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LOL @gives u stage fright.
I can so imagine you turning the tap off too.
LOL “boat out of Vegemite Valley” – where do you come up with these?I used to not let number 2’s set sail but now I just don’t care. I drop the kids off at the pool anywhere. Everyone has to do it. I’ve smelt theirs, they can smell mine.
I just hate it when there’s some sort of stain and liquid *shudder* on the seat. Or when people don’t flush properly! Sheesh, I may have to smell it, but I don’t wanna see it…
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And I thought it was just the British who were obsessed with toilets. Well here goes.
– I personally prefer to avoid doing a poo while another person is in the area but I will if need be.
– I once worked in the same building as a hugely obese woman, who unfortunately was synchronised with my digestive system, so every day while I was in there she would come in and ludly and vigorously use the cubicle next to me. I started to walk to the under end of the building to use their bogs instead.
– The worst toilets in the world are in airports and public buildings in France. Toilets in Heathrow, Chicago, Boston, Sydney, Melbourne, etc do not reek of festering piss. There is no reason why the French ones should except they cannot be arsed to clean them properly.
– When I was in China, quite a lot of Chinese people asked to take photos of me (token bignose in the “My visit to Beijing” album) or otherwise would generally come and have a good old look at whatever I was doing. There was once a public loo I went in that had three squats separated by 1 meter high walls but no doors. There were two Chinese women when I went in there – not apparently working there, just hanging out (?) and I KNEW that if I dropped my pants, they would be right there to take in all the action. So I too got performance anxiety and had to go somewhere else.
– In another toilet in a bar in Beijing, after several cocktails, I went to the loo and found there was precisely 1 squat for the whole place, men and women. Of course the men had not been too particular about their aim and things were slippy. On attempting to rise, I put a hand to steady myself on the toilet paper dispenser. In my drunken condition, I must have leaned on it too hard, because it went flying off the wall to land I know not where and I was lucky not to fall right into the toilet. I quickly left, found my friends, and explained the importance of going somewhere else before any of us had to pee again. To anyone who was in that toilet after me, I offer my sincere apologies.
After that, and the last two weeks, I have no energy for a proper rant. Eight cities in two weeks… I’m ready to go home. Thankfully I got some proper toothpaste from Qantas so I’m not subject to that cinnamon shite any more.
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I wanna know wtf someone would take any kind of food stuff’s into a toilet in the first place.
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i don’t understand couples who share their bathroom habits with each other. i don’t want to know my boyfriend’s goings on and he (i’m sure) doesn’t want to know mine.
one of my friends used to have a too-much-information boyfriend who, every morning while she was doing her makeup in the bathroom, would come in, light a cigarette, and #2 right in front of her. ugh! the romance would be dead for me!
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OH. MY. I’m going to refrain from ranting just to say that you CRACK ME UP. Should I feel guilty that your frustration amuses me so, Lady Smaggle?
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um.. AZZ, i don’t know what public toilets you use but mine are never quiet.
They are also usually dirty and frequently used. Not being able to relax and read amongst strangers pooing and weeing doesn’t seem sensitive to me! -
Lilac – When I was in primary school we had to walk THROUGH the toilets to get in and out of the building. It was so disgusting. I love chatting about toilets. It’s just about my favourite topic.
Scribbles – I had the same thing happen! Except that I always used cheap stuff and then switched to expensive and did wonders for my skin. Which is bad for my bank balance.
Marianne – I actually work in a international school where we have heaps of Chinese students are used to squatting.
Azz – I am not a freak! We’ve been through this and it’s weird. I don’t care if you want to read on the toilet… just don’t do it while I’m waiting to use the toilet after you. It’s rude.
Jocelyne – I totally agree. We all have little slips occasionally. Just check and keep it clean. It’s not hard.
Bridie – Azz is a mate of mine and he’s just stirring shit. We have this arguement all the time. I think it’s gross. Ovbiously you can’t alwasy avoid it but I like a deserted toilet if I’m forced.
Tara – I totally thought that too! It was the whole ‘You know who you are!’ speil.
Azz – Bridie and I are fine with you reading. Just not when you’re hogging a public toilet!
WendyB – It’s a pretty nasty toilet.
E – Ah yes I remember ceiling poo! Ah of course! But still perhaps putting the ripped up shreds in the toilet might be better? Your comment was hilarious! It totally cracked me up!
YB – 10 days? Oh sweet heart that’s awful. My poo anxiety isn’t nearly as bad as that.
Ivy – I do turn the tap off! I’m a total toilet natzi! And I used to be a teacher. I know all the poo lingo there is to know.
Serpentine – Have people no shame? I just don’t get the loud ablution noises that people make. It’s weird. And wow! Thank you for reading smaggle while travelling! That’s true dedication.
Imelda Matt – That’s just the point that I was trying to make!!!!
Katie – Oh me too! Mr Smaggle and I are a VERY open couple but we are not open door bathroom goers… nuh uh!
Sal – Aw thanks! I’m just gross but thanks for the compliment!
Jaqueline – He’s a shit stirrer my love! Literally… 🙂
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Um, I have potty anxiety. When people come to my house I don’t want to go potty because I’m afraid people will hear it so sometimes I turn on the tap. Especially my boyfriend. If he comes for a couple of days I am in AGONY. Speaking of the boyfriend, he thinks that bathroom air freshener spray is the height of sophistication so he uses the bathroom thoroughly and my entire apartment reeks for hours thereafter of a combined bouquet of fake perfume and poo. Who invented that slop??
PS, Who decided that the tampons sold in public bathrooms should be roughly the diameter of a soda can?
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